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Pisces February 19 - March 20
Avoid spontaneous combustion and fizzy lager. That's all.
Biscuit of Fate : The Chocolate Hob Nob
Aries March 21 - April 19
With the moon decending in your sign from Monday, take a trip round the needles with Helen Mirren. Special sticky hats are available in the foyer. Unecessay bread makes you better at athletics.
Biscuit of Fate : The Iced Ring (ooh er!)
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Time is on your side with Jupiter ascending so dig out those old felt tips and knock up a lovely Barbara Cartland outfit. There's no sense trying to avoid eating tinfoil. No, on second thoughts, perhaps you're right
Biscuit of Fate : The Fig Roll
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Mercury the god of love enters your sign, so make sure that tapier exhibition goes out a hitch. Don't count on any blue eyed fluffy kittens turning up - not in Balham
Biscuit of Fate : The Tunnocks Teacake (OK, I know it's not strictly a biscuit)
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Don't be fooled by that leopard - he hasn't really got a Lambourgini. Tuesday brings good luck in cheese rolling events. Destiny sees a red door and a green one.
Biscuit of Fate : The All Butter Short Bread.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Pluto enters your celestial house this week closely followed by Goofy and Donald Duck (ho ho), so be prepared with at least 200 jars of mango chutney. An unwanted laundrette/flower pot incident could end in tears.
Biscuit of Fate : The Abbey Crunch
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Watch the skies. David Icke is the chosen one. Now is a good time to redecorate the cocker spaniel, but for god's sake not beige. Remember the vicar's allergy.
Biscuit of Fate : The Jammy Dodger
Libra September 23 - October 22
Beware of satsuma flavoured flea collars this Friday. The resulting calamity could just be enough to dislodge tea bags throughout Bootle. Watch out for a surprise wheel brace.
Biscuit of Fate : The Common Rich Tea
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
As a fire sign beware of talking to fish like piscean people this week. Remember that WD40 incident - it will happen again if you don't put the beetroots back. Slapped wrists for you young man.
Biscuit of Fate : The Humble Digestive
Sagitaruis November 22 - December 21
With Neptune in your sign, now is a great time for cramming baby wipes up each nostril. A venture with industrial salmon packers can only end in disaster.
Biscuit of Fate : The Garriballdi
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Ip topiary is you passion, it's time to nip it in the bud and branch out (ho ho). With the moon descending in your sector, there's never been a better time to torture asparragus. Beware of buffalo in onion gravy.
Biscuit of Fate : The Bourbon
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