1. When commencing this simulation, remember to lock all friends and family outside, communicating only with letters that your neighbor will hold for a month before delivering, losing one of every five.

2. Surround yourself with 5500 people you would no choose to be with, people who chain smoke, fart loudly and often, snore like a steam locomotive on an uphill grade, and people who use expletives in speech like children use sugar in cereal are good candidates for this.

3. Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from the outside world, but have a neighbor bring you last months issue of Time, Newsweek, and Playboy (with all the pictures cut out).

4. Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording vital parameters (plugged in, light comes on when door opens, etc.). If not in use, log as "secured". Make line drawings of all electrical and piping circuits.

5. Do not flush toilets for the first three days to simulate the smell of forty people using it. After that, flush and overflow once daily. At least once every five days post a sign stating "THE SEWAGE SYSTEM IS SECURED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE". It is okay to forget to remove this sign. When taking a shower, turn temperature handle from "COLD" to "HOT" at irregular intervals. Rub Vaseline all over your body and then try to wash it off using regular soap. After soaping hair, turn water off completely, wait ten minutes and then turn water back on to simulate switching water tanks.

6. Wear only proper uniform attire of approved coveralls in designated areas. No special T-shirts or other clothing should be worn. Once a month, weather not withstanding, clean and press one uniform and stand around for thirty minutes, after which you may change back into your normal uniform. Soak uniform in a grease/kerosene mixture. Then wash with half the recommended amount of soap. Bundle the wet clothing into a tight bundle and dry half way. Take out and stow.

7. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you are bald or look as though you have tangled with a demented sheep sheerer.

8. Work in 12-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to assure your body doesn’t know or care if it is daytime or nighttime. At random intervals announce that you will either add or subtract an hour from the present time.

9. Listen to your favorite cassette or CD six times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes nausea until you are glad to get back to your "favorite" cassette/CD.

10. Cut a single bed in half lengthwise and widthwise and enclose three sides with metal. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position (18 inches is a good height). Replace the mattress with a steel plate and cover it with three inches of foam to duplicate a shipboard bunk. Place a dead animal under your bed to simulate the smell of your "cubemate’s" sheet. Take sheets, cut five inches off from both ends and hem rough edge. Attempt to cover foam mattress from head to toe with a sheet that is too short.

11. Set your alarm clock to go off at the "snooze" setting interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate to various alarms of aircrew going off at odd times. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you’re tossed from side to side for the remaining three hours.

12. Have your neighbors go up on your roof and drop heavy objects while you are trying to sleep. This will simulate the sounds encountered when aircraft take off or land just above you.

13. Prepare all food while blindfolded, using all the spices that you can grope for, to simulate shipboard food. Add salt, remove the blindfold and eat as fast as possible. Add more salt. If the food does not stick to an inverted plate when served cold, add more salt. Beat your plate enthusiastically against the side of the trash can when disposing of your leftovers.

14. Periodically shut off power at the main breaker and run around screaming "Fire in the Engine Room!" until you sweat profusely or lose your voice, then restore power.

15. Buy a gas mask and scrub the faceplate with steel wool until you can’t see out of it. Wear it for two hours every fourth day. Turn off air conditioning. Wear long sleeved shirts, gloves, and a hood over your head to simulate battle dress.

16. Study the owner’s manual for all appliances in the dwelling at regular intervals. Take each one apart and put back together. Then test and operate them at the extreme limits of their tolerances.

17. Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint all furnishings with Navaho white, royal blue, or hospital green. Stencil everything with numbers.

18. To ensure a clean happy environment, clean everyday from top to bottom. Whenever possible, repeat your efforts. When finished, inspect your work, criticizing your work as much as possible. Never be satisfied with a good effort.

19. Once a day plug in your television and watch a movie that you walked out on two years ago or that you have already seen twenty times. After that watch repeats of an awful 70’s TV show.

20. Stock up on as many antacids, aspirin, Band-Aid’s, Robitussin, and suppositories as possible. These will cure any disease know to man.

21. Prepare yourself for an emergency that will force you to leave the dwelling, knowing that if you leave, the biker gang you hired will simulate sharks and bite your arms and legs. Study first aid for bleeding and the fire extinguisher until you can quote the manuals verbatim.

22. Every five weeks or so, go outside directly to the city slums, wearing your best clothes. Enter the raunchiest bar you can find and order their most expensive beer. Drink as much as you can pour down your throat in four hours. Then hire a cab to return you home by the longest route he can find. Tip the driver even though he doubled your fare. Lock yourself back in your dwelling for five more weeks.

23. This simulation must be run for at least six months to be effective. The exact date of the end of the simulation will be changed no fewer than seven times with you knowing about it. This is done to keep you guessing as to when you can hope to resume a normal life, and in hopes that it will screw up any plans you might like to make.

This guide was designed to assist those who would like to, but haven’t had the opportunity or privilege to enjoy an extended period of time on a US Navy aircraft carrier!