CALLING ALL MAMMALS: The boobs are out!
First sightings of topless women have been reported in our fair city!
It's officially titillation time for the summer of 1998!
Hurrah!
See, Mayor Mel? Told you. Get your fuzzy-headed self on this bandwagon.
"Beautiful breasts are a man magnet," quoth a financial planner (with augmented breasts) to The Toronto Sun last Saturday, and too bad she didn't have the guts to give her real name. Tsk.
(And anyway, do man magnets catch 'n' release or mercy kill? Just wondering.)
Well, boobs are back. Silicone is gone, and saline implants have taken the fear out of enlargement for all.
Saline implants are simply salt water encased in silicone; you'd be a hit at picnics if anyone forgets the salt, but sex with a porcupine is out.
If you are planning to take your fully inflated self to spots such as Canada's Wonderland or Ontario Place for boob showing, keep in mind these important tips:
* Breasts should look well-kept and shiny. Vacuum well in all the cracks (check underneath) before leaving the house and don't forget a touch o' shine for that healthy glow. Body oil is good, but for a lasting effect, buff with Turtle Wax.
* Clear fishing line tied to your nipples and then anchored around the neck can keep the saggies at bay. No running!
* Large-breasted women are advised not to go on rides like Drop Zone while topless, lest you emerge with two black eyes. Physical self-assault aside, it's always better to wear a top, and maybe even a raincoat, on roller coasters and all other barf-inducing amusements.
* Nipples look perkier and rosier when touched up with a drop of food coloring. Try purple.
* Implants do NOT work as a flotation device. Wear your life jacket!