From the Internet!
More fun things to do when Lon Schroeder gets in the elevator with you!
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to him
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Offer a name tags to him. Wear yours upside down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Sing "Mary had a Little Lamb" while continually pushing buttons
Ask him if you can push the button for him
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Start a sing-along
Shadow Box.
Loudly say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say, "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a screwdriver
Draw a little square on the floor with soapstone and announce to him that this is your "personal space."
Take a bite of your sandwich and ask him "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Make explosion noises when he presses a button
Blow spit bubbles.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
If he brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" v
Facts about B.C. that you probably didn't know
PPWC Leaflet
1. Population of BC in 1871: 36,247; in 1995: 3,766,045.
2. Percentage of the population of Chinese origin 1871: 9; in 1995: 9.
3. Number of public servants (provincial, federal, and municipal) in 1881: 96; in 1995: 98,600.
4. Number of BC Tel phone lines in 1950: 246,500; in 1997: 2.4 million.
5. Kilometers of paved alleys in Vancouver: 542; unpaved alleys: 156.
6. Number of highway bridges in BC: 2,720.
7. Favorite sport in BC: skiing (nine per cent of adults participate).
8. Percentage of BC adults who play an organized sport: 53; Of Canadians of all ages: 45.
9. Number of people in BC with cellular phones in 1987: 100,000; in 1997: 500,000.
10. Size of the average farm: 124 hectares.
11. Percentage of BC households that were mobile homes in 1995: 3.8; of Prince Ed. Island households: 6.
12. Percentage of BC households that used paper recycling programs in 1994: 88.2; of Ontario households: 92.9.
13. Number of marriages in BC in 1891: 655; in 1996: 22.833.
14. Annual rainfall along BC's coast: 155 to 440 centimeters; average annual rainfall in Toronto: 63.72 centimeters.
15. Number of live births in BC in 1891: 922; in 1996: 46,143.
16. Number of divorces in BC in 1978: 8,265; in the Yukon: 65.
17. Average age of a first-time bride in BC in 1977: 22.5 years; in 1995: 26.9 years.
18. Average age of a first-time groom in 1977: 25.2; in 1995: 28.9 years.
19. Kilometers of paved highways: 23,300; unpaved highways: 19,300.
20. Number of people in BC in 1991 whose first language was Cree: 215; in Manitoba: 16,385.
21. Percentage of women over the age of 15 in Vancouver who work: 61; in Toronto: 58.
22. Average number of inmates in BC provincial prisons in 1973-74: 1,819; in 1996-97: 2,600.
23. Total area of BC's lakes and rivers: 1.8 million hectares
24. Number of secondary school graduates in BC in 1981: 30,918; in 1993: 29,528.
25. Life expectancy at birth for a Canadian woman born in 1920: 60.6 years; in 1992: 80.9 years.
26. Life expectancy at birth for a Canadian man born in 1920: 58.8 years; in 1992: 74.6.
27. Percentage of BC adults who smoke: 24; of Quebec adults: 36.
28. Average number of people per BC household in 1995: 2.49; per Newfoundland household: 2.95.
29. Age of Canada's oldest university (Laval University in Quebec City): 334 years.
30. Age of Canada's youngest university (University of Northern BC in Prince George): 3 years.
31. Number of Starbucks coffeehouses in BC in 1997: 91; in 1987: 1.
32. Average annual amount of wine and beer consumed per person in BC: 31 litres of wine, 92 litres of beer; in Ontario: 9 litres of wine, 86 litres of beer.
33. Number of McDonald's restaurants in the Lower Mainland: 71; in Russia: 12.
If we had it so good
Stolen from a union web site
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' x 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers. v
Ace's Top Ten
Stolen from a union newsletter
10. If you ever drop your keys into river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
9. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
8. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
7. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
6. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
5. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression", so what, can't we all be brothers?
4. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
3. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
2. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody. First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, liked a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
1. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Source: Saturday Night Live
How smart are you really????
From the Internet
Take this quiz, if you dare, and see! Scoring is as follows: Correct Answers Rating:
12 - Genius
10-11 - Above Normal
7-9 - Normal
4-6 - Slow
1-3 - Idiot
0 - Brain dead
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes or No
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Yes or No
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half-hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?
DON'T READ ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU'VE ANSWERED ALL THE ABOVE QUESTIONS!
THE DENSA TEST: YOUR EVALUATION
1. Is there a fourth of July in England? Yes, it comes after the third of July!
2. How many birthdays does the average man have? Just one!
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 12 - all of them!
4. How many outs are there in an inning? 6 - three per side!
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? No-because he is dead!
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 70. (30 divided by 2 equals 15, but 30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 2 you took them, remember?
8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half-hour. How many minutes would the pills last? 60. Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 9. If 8 out of 17 die, all but 9 die, eh?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? 0 - Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10'' tall. What does he weigh? Meat. A butcher weighs meat!
12. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen? 12 - There are12 2 cent stamps in a dozen!
Add Your Score!
Silly sayings
OPSEU 415 Local Lines/CALM
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
He's not dead, he's electro-encephalographically challenged.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.