Bill Clinton gets off of Air Force One, which has just arrived back in the Washington area after a visit to Little Rock. As he walks down the steps, he's carrying two baby pigs.

At the bottom, he says to the Marine guard, "How about these little ol' razorbacks? I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea!"

The guard replies, "Boy, sir, you really know how to cut a deal!"

This came through the net; as best we can tell it started with Robin Hanson hanson@econ.berkeley.edu.

Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

What's Wrong with my Current Friends?

If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friendsmay not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.

How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?

Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.

What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?

You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

What is a Friendship Emergency?

The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.

What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:

• - Agreeing with you
• - Appearing sympathetic
• - Chewing the fat
• - Dropping by
• - Feeling your pain
• - Gossiping
• - Hanging out
• - Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
• - Joshing
• - Kidding around
• - Listening to you whine
• - Partying
• - Passing the time
• - Patting your back
• - Ribbing
• - Sharing a meal
• - Shooting the breeze
• - Slinging the bull
• - Teasing

*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan

What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):

• - Bar hopping
• - Bending over backwards
• - Drinking to excess
• - Giving a hoot
• - Going the extra mile
• - Lending money
• - Real empathy
• - Sexual favors
• - Truly caring
• - Using illicit drugs

How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?

We do. Isn't that what friends are for?

The LAPD, FBI, BATF, and the CIA were all trying to prove they were the best at apprehending criminals. The president decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each agency has to try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant & mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The BATF goes in. They register all the animals in the forest, thereby creating so many piles of paperwork that the rabbit simply eludes the agents by hiding amidst the forms. After a year of registration, and no rabbit, they decide that something has to be done to justify their continued existence. Prepared for just such an emergency, they pull out their 'throw down' rabbit and tie it to a tree in the middle of a clearing. The next morning at 4AM, fourteen black-clad machine gunning agents storm the clearing, complete w/ flash-bang grenades & tear gas. The rabbit is shot while 'trying to escape'.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later w/ a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay!, Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'.

Credit where due: from 12/97 Precision Shooting, courtesy of Texas High-power Shooters

You might remember the poor lady who got in trouble with the law when she tried to give Hillary Clinton a special Native American religious symbol called a "Dream Catcher." It had been made with a hawk feather she had found on a trail somewhere; no birds were harmed in the making of this doodad.

Problem is, the government says you can't do that. After all, how can they tell a found feather from a poached one?

I don't remember what happened to her. That's not the point of this story. The real tragedy was that Hillary was terribly disappointed not to be able to implement the plan she had already made for the dream catcher -- a very patriotic gesture sure to garner media attention and public acclaim.

She was going to hang it at the Tomb of the Unknown Contributor.

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