By Beaker
Feeble, Scandalous, disgraceful, woeful are all words that will come to mind when I recall this match in the future and it will be the benchmark for bad performances for years to come ("it was almost as bad as the Arsenal match" we'll be saying)Trying to look for something positive from Saturday and the only thing we came up with was that at least we were able to leave early and beat the rush (the first time we have left a match early in about 6 years).
It was a terrible day. Hugely hung over and very pissed off at having to get up so early on a saturday, we really didn't want to be there (and neither did the team judging by the performance) but there we were to watch the most comprehensive home defeats since Liverpool thrashed us 5-2 in the late '80s.
There are times when the team is flashed up and you know it's is going to be a good match and probably a home victory. This wasn't one of them. The youth team with a couple of ringers was how we described it and I'm afraid I accurately predicted the result and scoreline before the kick off.
To be fair we started quite brightly but that was about as good as it got. Jody Morris was handed the responsibility of running the midfield in the absence of Newton, Wise and Di Matteo and he failed so miserably that one was left questioning his ability to play at the Highest level. Andy Morley describes Morris as the future of the club. If this is the case, I'm afraid the future is not looking too good. His passing was inaccurate, his control poor and his commitment in the tackle non existent. I don't like to single people out but Morris was the main reason we conceded the game, almost before it got underway. We totally conceded the midfield battle allowing Arsenal as much possession as they wanted.
It was so easy for Arsenal they really turned it into an exhibition, with Ian Wright entertaining both home and away fans with his ability to enjoy a laugh, thank god because it was the only interesting part of the game. On the action side, the only talking points were the missed opportunities by the visiting team who could and should have scored 7 or 8 by the end. The first two goals were the sole responsibility of Morris who conceded possession in crucial areas to allow first Wright and then Platt to score easily.
In the second half Chelsea didn't have a chance on or off target until Vialli, crap and utterly anonymous until this point, missed a sitter. It was awful stuff, really abjectly bad, no room even for gallows humour until the point when, after Burley gaffed for the third goal, a member of the crowd suggested that he ought to take an Arsenal free kick as he appeared to be playing for the opposition.
I really don't want to dwell on the match apart from to point out that if we play like this on Sunday our season is over. Gayle, Earle and Ekoku will make mince meat of this side if they play like they did on Saturday. The papers have quoted Gullit as being ashamed, we should all feel the same as this was a performance worthy of the Leeds side that we saw give up last season at the Bridge. I hope that the full team is available against Coventry as they need a chance to redeem themselves. They can't play as badly again.
Sorry for the lack of humour in this one but really this was a depressing experience. The following scores reflect an emotional reaction so bear with them:
- Grodas (8) Did nothing wrong and kept the score down
- Clarke (7) Steady game and blameless for the goals
- Minto (7) Good game, surprised he was substituted
- Johnsen (6) Didn't make an impression
- Burley (0) Proved once again he isn't a defender
- Parker (5) Made zero impresssion
- Petrescu (6) At least seemed to care that we were losing. Found Acres of space out on the right but as we had no-one in the side capable of passing to him accurately he didn't get a chance in that position
- Morris (3) Utterly appalling, one for turning up, one for being properly dressed and another point as an act of charity!
- P.Hughes (5) Looked short on experience and wasn't the player we know he can be
- Vialli (0) Looked so bad we lost all sympathy for him, didn't win anything and appeared to give no effort whatsoever. Goodbye!
- Zola (4) Poor, obviously tired but should have offered more As far as the subs are concerned, congratulations to Granville who didn't make any mistakes and the rest don't bear a mention.
PRIESTY'S VERSION:
Fair enough, I hold my hands up. That was the worst display this season, even shading the Wimbledon defeat. I thought it was just me at first - turning up at the Bridge at 11:15 on a Saturday morning, without having had the benefit of even one beer, was a shocking enough experience; watching Chelsea fall over without a whimper against another London side - especially the Arse - just about finished me off.
It's true to say that Chelsea were fielding an under-strength team, but as my idiot mate Marc kept yelling every time I mentioned it: "That's bollocks, we've got a squad system here now, it doesn't matter if a few of the players are out." When I asked him 10 minutes from the end how the squad system was going, he said some very hurtful things about my parentage, and swore he was "giving up bleeding football". I told him Rugby League was a nice sport, he's now looking for a nice semi in Wigan.
Things didn't look too bad at first, apart from the fact that when you're stone cold sober, you tend to notice things that otherwise get lost in a rosy alcoholic haze. For example, I noticed for the first time on Saturday that the MH stand appears to be made of breeze blocks. They haven't even plastered over them, you can easily scrape the skin off your head while shuffling past the people blocking the vital passageway to the seating area. What are these people doing ? They're watching TV ! Yes, there are TV's scattered around the place. When were those put in ? On the plus side, I didn't miss half the match queueing up for the bogs. I shall have to try this no beer caper again, maybe in 20 or so years' time.
Unfortunately, I can remember the match in minute detail. Perhaps it would have been better had I been completely plastered, judging by the performance the boys put on. The only let-up was the virtuoso Luca Vialli, who showed consummate mastery of the comedy pratfall every time the ball came near him, and sometimes when it didn't. To be fair to the crowd, they eventually saw the funny side that I alone appeared to have seen in the earlier stages of the match, and were soon collapsing with mirth every time Luca did his "Norman Wisdom on ice without any skates" routine. All this culminated in a rousing finale, where Vialli and Keown performed a stunning pas-de-deux, where they managed to trip each other up while they had their backs to each other. Absolutely priceless. Certainly Ģ40,000 a week's worth, anyway. Poor old Luca, he came to be a legend, and ended up as a clown.
I won't depress you too much with the details of how and why we got such a hammering, it's common knowldege by now. After the first goal, where Ian Wright latched onto a superb ball that split our defence wide open, the writing was most definitely on the wall, and it said: "We're going to get fucked over here". I spent the rest of the match trying to find something to laugh about, which was easy when Vialli was involved, but pretty difficult otherwise. I had to rely on my mates and the crowd for light relief. Here are a couple of samples:
- "We're going to wreck your ground, next weekend, next weekend", sung tunelessly to the delighted Arse fans by Marc.
- "At this rate, we'll be lucky to hold them to 2 goals", a bloke in front of me, who appeared to be related to Nostradamus, 10 seconds before that bastard Bergkamp evaded Grodas' leg-breaking charge and slotted the ball home for their third goal. (We all started crossing ourselves and shuffling away from the bloke, got a belter)
No doubt the boys will have a stormer against Wimbledon, warming up with a crushing defeat by Coventry. See you at Wigan next year, Rugby League really is a cracking game ;-)
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