Oh dear.. situation normal, all fucked up. Why oh why did we let Leicester back into the game having cruised to 2-0 at half time ? You may well ask.

Chelsea started off well, soaking up the pressure from Leicester which they obviously knew was coming. It lasted for all of ten minutes, then the boys started to move the ball around as if it was lubricated by Di Matteo's Brylcreem. Oh yes, we thought, here we go.

Sure enough, after some slick passing from the boys, the Leicester defence made the fatal error of giving Bob some room to tee himself up, and bang, in went the first goal.

Leicester appeared to have given up at that point, and were comfortably contained by Chelsea until the best move of the match, involving superb ping-pong passing from Zola and Petrescu, with brilliant off the ball running by Di Matteo, which resulted in Hughes slipping the ball past the useless Keller (my granny could've saved that).

Great, we can all go home now, blow the whistle, ref, we thought.

Until the horrible realisation that it wasn't even half time.

Be honest, who can say that they were surprised when the score ended up level ?
But we're jumping ahead of ourselves, the gruesome story must unfold in all its excruciating detail.

Half time, and we're 2-0 up. The general feeling from the fans was one of pleasant disbelief that things were going so well, but there was definitely a frisson (that's a sort of sausage) of nervousness around the place - surely we couldn't surrender a two-goal lead ?

The second half began, and everyone put their worries to the back of their minds. Soon we were wondering how we'd ever doubted that we'd keep our lead.

Suddenly, about 20 minutes from time, they got a free kick from maybe 35 yards. No worries, Beefy'll sort the defence, he's done a great job so far, offside trap sprung at least 40 times, no balls getting through to their "strikers", etc., la de da, no shit, straight up, stand on me.

Admittedly, it was a good free kick, floated in and curving away from the goal, but bloody hell, how are we ever going to win anything if we can't deal with balls into the box ? And what the hell was Hitchy waiting for ? I'll tell you: he was waiting till it was impossible to get to the ball before he ran out to punch thin air, that's what he was doing. And another thing, am I alone in thinking that an opposing team is most likely to score when Hitchy's got the ball at his feet ? Don't they give the goalies any kicking and ball skills practice at Chelsea ? No. (look at Kharine and Grodas's ball skills if you're in any doubt). Believe it or not, I rate Hitchcock as a keeper, but he was fucking woeful on Sunday.

While I'm disloyally slagging people, it's time for Minto Corner. He has to rate as the WORST player Chelsea have had on their books since Peter Nicholas, or even Graham Wilkins. What the hell does Ruud see in him ? I'm sorry, I don't like to slag off our boys, but be honest, have you ever seen anyone so useless in your life ? Only George Berry comes close. My Mother could... (etc. etc.)

Apparently, when Ruud came on 5 minutes from the end, Barry Davies, the BBC's "commentator", said that he'd come on "to steady the troops". Needless to say, Leicester immediately scored the equaliser, or should I say Chelsea served it up to them on a fucking plate. Another free kick from just outside the box - everyone knew what was going to happen, we couldn't bear to look, but it happened anyway. It's a bit like when you're in a car being driven by a maniac, you think it won't happen just as long as you keep your eyes shut.

It's not the first time Ruud has come on just in time to watch a goal scored by the opposition. The point is that he isn't Jesus Christ, (or even St Michael!). Remember, he may have lots of experience as a player, but he never managed or coached before he came to the Bridge. People expect far too much from him.

GREAT MOMENTS (1):
Franck LeBoeuf asking the ref why he'd been booked, the ref pointing at the linesman in an expressive way, and Franck going "Oh, right, it was for THAT". I think he'd said "Le Singe est dans L'Arbre" to the linesman and thought he'd got away with it. (Literal translation: "Your Mother runs a whorehouse and your father is a queen")

GREAT MOMENTS (2):
Jimmy Hill on Match of The Day, after the incident involving at least 100 people fighting right under the commentary box: "That sort of thing just didn't happen in my day, why can't things be like they were in the old days ?"
Yeah, right, we'll all go out and catch Polio and Rickets, work down the pits for ten bob a week and doff our caps to the toffs while they take the piss out of us for swallowing it. Nice one, Jimmy.

WORTHY OF MENTION:

• Franck LeBoeuf, he tried and died.
• Frank Sinclair: I've finally realised who he reminds me of - Norman Wisdom ! His weekly comedy panic routines are class, but his attitude is an example to everyone. I love the guy.
• Franco Zola, he was obviously a bit knackered, but he tried his best, you couldn't ask for more.
• Bob Di Matteo, the same, and a cracking goal.
• Hughesey, what a hard geezer he is: The Leicester defenders absolutely crucified him, and he never complained, just dug them back when he got the chance.
• Mulder, had a good game, he can really play when he feels like it.