| The Daily Bollocks Monday 4th August 1997 | ||
By our Boxing Correspondent
In a shock communiqué released earlier today, the Inner Council of the Provisional IRA said that it had "ceased all hostilities" as of 5:45 on Sunday 3rd August. No reason was given, but sources close to the Inner Council said that the rumour was that Roy "The Butcher" Keane had threatened to "kick their fucking heads in" if they didn't pack it in. Chelsea's Steve Clarke was "unavailable for comment" last night due to a coma, but his colleague Gustavo Poyet was more forthcoming: "Porque no habla Ingles, bendejo ?", stormed the swarthy Uruguayan. "And you can quote me on that." Meanwhile at Downing Street, Prime Minister Tony Blair, darling of the far right and protegé of Mrs Thatcher, was said to be considering Keane for a Knighthood in the Queen Mother's birthday honours list. Manager Alex Ferguson was reported to be livid with Keane, and was quoted as saying that he had only made him Captain to stop him threatening people, and was therefore "considering giving Keane the elbow. The last thing United needs is a player with a Knighthood". Chelsea's Steve Clarke emerged briefly from his coma to reveal that "Keane already has an elbow, I think it's on loan to Terence "Teddy" Sheringham at the moment. And you can quote me on that". | JOY AND DESPAIR By our Show Business Reporter at Stamford Bridge Blues Roberto Di Matteo and Frank "Spencer" Sinclair were seen at midnight wandering around on the pitch, holding banjos. When questioned they said that Ruud Gullit had told them to go away and "practise hitting a cow's arse with it". "We are mystified", added Sinclair. "Continental training methods", whispered Bob Di Matteo, winking conspiratorially and tapping the side of his nose with his finger. In a shock outburst earlier today, Chelsea's charismatic chairman Ken Bates lashed out at Manchester United, saying that he was "fed up to the back teeth" with them. "I fucking hate Moan U and everything they stand for", stormed the burly Chairman from the poop deck of his newly re-fitted yacht "Britannia". "If I see that Martin Edwards in the street I'll give him a good kicking. And I know all about Alex Ferguson's mother and that sailor", the hirsute supremo raged. "And you can quote me on that". Bates, 97, was later heard singing rugby songs at the top of his voice from the crow's nest. When asked to come down by Prince Charles, Bates yelled: "Mind your own business, big ears. And you can shove the Duchy of Cornwall up your arse". |
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