"Down with the Palace, you're going down with the Palace.."

On that showing, there'll be a team of bewildered and very expensive foreign imports improving their geographical knowledge of this country next season. Such romantic and delightful venues as Stockport, Huddersfield and Port Vale are already gearing themselves up to welcome Ginola, Vega, Berti, Klinsmann (?) et al.. I've seen nearly all the current Premiership sides at the Bridge this season, and Spurs are far and away the most pathetic. Their defence is pitiful, worse even than Chelsea's at their most disorganised.

Which is just as well. Chelsea were uninspired, to put it politely, and took around eighty minutes to finally pierce Spurs' woeful defence. Worryingly for England's World Cup hopes, Sol Campbell was made to look like a two-legged donkey by Tore Andre Flo, who consistently beat him all afternoon. Vega and Carr were inept, and Nielsen looked out of place at left back, which, of course, he was. The Spurs defence were making unforced errors by the bucketload, people in the crowd were actually laughing at the awfulness of it all. How we didn't score six before half time is a complete mystery to me.

If Chelsea were not inspired, at least they looked competent, and were hardly ever troubled by the Tottenham attack. As far as I could see, Spurs only had two players who were any good, and one of them, Klinsmann, was wasted in attack, as he hardly ever got hold of the ball. He had to drop back miles to get a sniff. The other, Ginola, had a good game, but he couldn't do it on his own; whenever he passed the ball to another Spurs player in a good position, that player invariably either tripped over the ball or let it go into touch. How we laughed.

On the Chelsea side it was nice to see John Harley make a spirited home debut, and his mate Jody Morris had his usual busy game, even though some of his passing was a bit off. Harley was eventually substituted by none other than Gus Poyet, back from a potentially career-ending injury, who immediately set about marking the cards of the Spurs midfielders, and provided some bite in our midfield, something we've been a bit short on when we've been without Dennis Wise or Robbie Di Matteo. I hope Poyet is fit for the Vicenza match, we need him, especially now that Di Matteo is suspended.

Both Chelsea and Spurs had chances to score during the match that should have been converted, particularly when Vialli passed straight to Saib while Chelsea were pushing up, but fortunately "young" Stevie Clark was able to pinch the ball off his foot just as he was about to shoot. Petrescu wasted a good chance at the other end by shooting into the side netting after another comedy unforced error from Vega had allowed Vialli to put him through. Vialli himself missed a sitter after Carr had allowed him to get too close when in possession, but Vialli's weak chip was easily fielded by Walker in the Spurs goal. Chelsea were lucky not to concede a late penalty when Duberry clumsily chopped Klinsmann across the thighs, but I think the ref was right to turn it down, it wasn't deliberate.

That was about the only thing Paul Durkin did get right, as it turned out. The standard of refereeing, and particularly linesmanning, was atrocious, as usual. I know they have a difficult job, etc, yawn, yawn, but surely they can do better than that. When are they going to use the million cameras around the ground to solve disputed decisions, like they do in virtually every other sport in the world ?

The game was somewhat unfortunately livened up for us by the presence in the Shed Upper of a Spurs supporter. It shouldn't have been a problem, but he turned out to be an overweight and obviously unfit nutter who thought he was a hard man for being ludicrously stupid enough to turn round and try to pick a fight whenever any of us derided Spurs for being the rubbish that they plainly are, which was about every ten seconds.

Fair enough, come to Chelsea, even sit in the Chelsea end, but don't come trying to cause a ruck because you don't like people supporting their team, in their own stand, at their own club. Even I, a world renowned pacifist, wanted to kick this oaf's head in, but I contented myself with laughing at his unrelenting, bovine stupidity; he should consider himself lucky that virtually everyone around us showed similar restraint, considering the provocation.

Most of us have had the experience of being in the home supporters end at an away match, especially if you went during the seventies and early eighties when segregation was rigidly unenforced, and we all know the rules: if you're out of order you expect to be grassed to the stewards and thrown out at the very least, plus the added bonus of getting your head stove in as well if you're unlucky. The fact that people put up with this moron shows that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even a couple of years ago this bloke would have woken up in hospital if he'd tried half the stuff he got away with on Saturday.

As luck would have it, after this bottom-feeder been trying to stare my mate Marc out for a good five minutes, just for saying that Tottenham were going down (a statement of fact), Chelsea scored their first goal through Tore Andre Flo. Needless to say, the celebrations were even more outlandish than normal, how nice it was to see an entire stand, bar one, capering with delight. We didn't hear much more from Captain Halfwit after that. When Vialli put the lid on it after another appalling botch-up in the Spurs defence a few minutes later, the humiliation was complete - 30,000 people singing "Down with the Palace, you're going down with the Palace."

All in all, Chelsea did well to overcome a team that needed to win a lot more than we did, so easily. Luckily it was Tottenham, who can be relied on to gift us six points a season. How unsporting of them to take that away from us by getting relegated. And to the halfwitted moron of a Spurs fan who sat in front of us: after a great deal of considered thought I'll resist the temptation to gloat, and will only say "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh - you're shit !!!"