Surgery Notes

Sir, As usual a lot has happened since I last brightened up your sad excuse for a web site and I feel it's again time for a test. You remember the routine: clear your mind, think of a millpond all calm and serene, remember to breathe, etc etc. Ready ? 1. Which of the following phrases best describes Peter Kenyon ? A man who knows the business of football A man on a crusade to rid football of drugs A Manc twat 2. Fulham Football club... Have a great tradition Are best remembered for their association with that cunt Chinny Hill Have the worst fans in London. 14,000 for a Carling Quarter Final ? You're having a laugh ! 3. Fergie & Arsene are... Two great characters in the British game Another pair of over-rated Johnny foreigners whose glory years are behind them A pair of cunts. Pizza and soup ?? 4. You are invited to dress up as a cartoon character to entertain small children in a cabaret-style show. Do you... Swallow your pride and do your best - after all, it's for the kids Make the most of the opportunity to act the goat in front of a large audience Get completely caned on a cocktail of grass and vodka and enter into an unseemly argument with an 8-year-old boy 5. Danny Mills is... An underrated defender who deserves to be in the England squad A mindless thug with zero talent A pair of cunts 6. Adrian Mutu... Let down his club and country with his cocaine antics Was stupid to get caught - but it was only marching powder A pawn in evil Peter Kenyon's plan for world domination 7. Whose name would you prefer to have on the back of your shirt ? Peter Kenyon Ken Bates Adrian Mutu 8. Who is our best signing in the last 2 years ? Peter Kenyon Hernan Crespo Adrian Mutu 9. Who should we get to replace Mutu ? The famous Tottenham Hotspur's Defoe Hernan Crespo Carlton "Young Lion" Cole 10. What do you think of Priesty's recent ravings about our style of play ? He's shown a great understanding of the game He's having a laugh Years of substance abuse have left his powers of rational thought in shreds How did you score ? Mostly A's: Why are you still alive ? You are wasting the planet's precious resources. Why do you bother visiting Priesty's refuge ? Is it so you can amaze your co-workers in McDonald's with your insight and wit ? Get to fuck - you are a disappointment to your parents and a disappointment to Priesty. You should immediately get a bus to Camberwell and start on a crack cocaine habit. Mostly B's: Okay, so you are not a complete muppet. But you're not far off. No one likes liberals - my advice to you is to get off the fence and get an opinion. Look at Billy Connolly, he was not afraid to make jokes at the expense of Kenneth Bigley, was he ? If I were you I'd go to the club shop and have "Peter Kenyon" ironed onto the back of your shirt, and then visit all the pubs on the North End Road. I'd bet that you would meet some new friends (well maybe not friends, but you'd meet new people for sure). Mostly C's: What can I say? You are intelligent, witty and have your finger firmly on the pulse, as per usual. My advice to you is to go out amongst the people and spread some love and understanding. In my experience a couple of verses of "We'll be running round Tottenham with our willies hanging out" always brings a smile to the faces of your fellow tube passengers. Keep up the good work. You see my point ? Les. Very much so, apart from point 4, which I have to point out is factually inaccurate - it was actually a cocktail of grass and whisky that I got completely caned on, you muppet. In my defence, the unseemly argument you refer to could have happened to anyone - the kid had called me a cunt and kicked me in the bollocks while I was handicapped by a ludicrous seagull outfit and could not see, so he was therefore asking for it. Unfortunately things deteriorated further when I was later forced to give his father a good spanking outside the venue when he dared to complain. I admit I did not exactly cover myself in glory that night, but all I can say is that's what happens sometimes. Also I hope that all my readers answered "A" to point 10, or there will be trouble. Priesty.

© 2005 Priesty's Chelsea FC Refuge.