MACARONI SCULPTURES
Ready for another WRW PayPerView that is absolutely FREE???? Here is MACARONI SCULPTURES.
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
Are you ready???
Buffalo, New York. Are you rrrrready????
Then, for the hundred and twelve here tonight, and the zero watching around the world...
Ladies and Gentlemen.....
LET'S GET READY TO RETARD!!!!!!!!!
_______
WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
Macaroni Sculptures
April 18, 1999
==============================================================================================================================================
(The scene opens with a shot of the World Heavyweight Title belt, which has had no owner since the last PPV, where Squirts was stripped of that shit. Two doorways access the room it is in. In one doorway, aixelsyD and the Dwarf, members of the Nation of Fornication gaze at the belt. In the other, Oldberg, Crash Test Charlie, and Stubb Rock are peering in at the gold. Where are The Proctologist and Oingo Boingo??? The camera finds them in an adjoining room. They are shaking hands! Where's The Proctologist's other hand?? Where are Oingo Boingo's other two hands??? All these questions and more will be answered tonight at MACARONI SCULPTURES!!!!!)
PZ: Hello and I am your master of ceremonies for the evening, "Cerebral" Paul Z. I am here with the pimpadocious Fire Hydrant Boy, The Hoosier Daddy Mike Forti, and the incomparable Running Man, Dave Dives. Hello all!!
FHB: Hi
MF: Hey
RM: I'm Downtrodden.
PZ: I don't care if this IS a Pay Per View, that's too many people. Runner, get the hell out of here.
RM: I'm gonna burn your damn house down. Later.
PZ: See ya. Silky, you're next, but not just yet.
FHB: Thats rite, ho. Yoo kik this trik too the kerb and yoo gots nuthin but a hertin booty.
PZ: Whatever you make no sense you piece of dog shit.
FHB: Shut up. Beet his ass, ho.
MF: I ain't your ho. Who the hell are you talking to?
FHB: Hoo are yoo tocking too, fukker? Ime the wondefeetid formur looserwate champeeon of the wurld.
MF: Haha he said onedefeated.
FHB: Thats rite, and it wood still bee undefeetid if thoze bich ass coffee freeks hadent gottin all upp in my shizznit. Nextt time I see thoze beeaches, they's goin' throo sum tabels.
PZ: Damn, some harsh words from the pimped out hustla, Fire Hydrant Boy. Hey, Silk. Is it true that you have contemplated officially retiring from pugilism forever?
FHB: I dont no wut yore big wurdz meen, butt Ime aboutt to klock yore ass in frunt of evreebuddy. I dont care if yoo are my dad.
PZ: WHOA that's enough. Thank you, Silky the pimp that is no relation to myself. I'll see you some other time young man.
MF: I told you he was your kid.
PZ: He is not you son of a bitch. He thinks he's a pimp, also. Does that make him one? Hell no.
FHB: Bitch
(FHB leaves the broadcast area)
PZ: Well, and then there were two. Me and you Mike. Looks like we'll be calling the rest of the event tonight.
MF: The rest? Shit ain't even started yet.
PZ: Ahhh yes, but we also promised this wonderful WRW crowd a CELEBRITY SINGER to sing the National Anthem, so let's bring her out!!
(Thirty seconds pass)
MF: What the hell???
PZ: I don't know. She was supposed to be here.
(Thirty more seconds pass)
PZ: Well, what a wonderful April 20th this has turned out to be so far.
MF: Umm, Paul...it's the eighteenth today.
PZ: Uh oh.
MF: Uh oh what?
PZ: I may have given miss Dion the wrong date.
MF: That's good actually.
PZ: No it's not. Now I have to break my promise to all these fine people.
MF: No you don't. I have someone in the back that can take her place.
PZ: Then let's do it.
MF: Ladies and Gentlemen...I give you Mr. STEPHEN HAWKINS!!!!!
(A man in a wheelchair comes rolling out from the back. He has a keyboard in his lap and a computer attached to the wheelchair. The fans are buzzing, but seem to be cheering.)
PZ: How did you pull this off?
MF: I heard that his life's goal was to sing at a wrestling event. I made it happen.
PZ: You da man.
MF: I know.
PZ: Well, let's hear the national anthem.
(A monotone computerized voice begins to speak. It sounds like regular speech rather than singing. This computer is Stephen Hawkins' only way to communicate with the outside world. The fans go silent immediately.)
SH: Oh-say-can-you-see........
PZ: Damn this is funny.
MF: Shhhhhh he's singing the national anthem.
SH: Whose-broad-stripes-and-bright-stars....
(The crowd is beginning to make some small noises at the monotone sound coming from the special guest singer.)
MF: Damn. I know this was his dream and all, but some dreams just shouldn't come true. Like mine with the glass and everything.
PZ: I know what you mean. Glass? Nevermind. This is absolutely terrible.
SH: And-the-rockets-red-glare...
PZ: (shudders) Yes, this is THE most awful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner I've ever heard. Next to the Backstreet Boys at the Super Bowl, anyway.
MF: Yep. Sounds right to me.
(Crowd begins to throw anything they have)
SH: Oh-say-does-that-star-spangled-banner-yet-wave......
(A rolled up paper cup beans his ass right in the head and the crowd goes bananas.)
(Hawkins pauses)
SH: O'er-the-land-of-the-free....
Crowd: Boooooooooo...
SH: And-the-home-of......alkvno arhtgf;oajrwhg;nvsal;fgjha;oejohgjaohf
PZ: What the fuck???
MF: Hahahahaha. It ain't Y2K yet. I don't know what the hell is going on.
SH: ngalrjoongsjndhgjsejhgjbdnsjhbjis
PZ: AAAAAAahahahahahahahhahhaaahhahaha.
Crowd: Yay.
(The theme from Star Trek as performed by a bunch of guys cracking up and trying to sound like Stephen Hawkins plays over the loudspeaker.)
PZ: Here comes Mr. Speck!!!!!!!!
MF: Hell yes and he's got the gold!!
(crowd cheers)
Mister Speck: Hello, everyone. Nice to meet you, Mr. Hawkins. I believe you've ran into some trouble.
SH: n;ioojhg;ojhdbjjhgishgi
MS: Ahhhh I see. Well, there's no one that can fix that now. I have uploaded your computer with the deadliest virus known to man. It is the WRWRetardovirus.
SH: nb;ouiertgsjdfng;kjahlgh
MS: That's right. It makes your computer turn into a retard. Now that your computer has become a drooling pile of retardation, we can all get rid of your ass!!! I'm out of here. Pic'Nose...Spam this man.
(Speck leaves with the World Loserweight Title belt. Pic'nose pulls out a phaser from his holster. A computerized voice says "Set to Spam" as he plays with some buttons on the phaser.)
SH: guogiohseigshignibush tgijlisskgjehg hgisjg.
Pic'Nose: Oh you'd better believe it.
(He blasts Hawkins, and he falls over out of his wheelchair and lays there unconscious.)
(Crowd goes bananas)
SH: Put that in your next book, mother fucker.
(Pic'Nose leaves. WRW Head of Security Navajo Shaman Chief Squatting Dog comes to the ring and takes Mr. Hawkins to the dressing room area, where Smack Daddy the Three Year Old Child Prodigy whips his unconscious ass.)
PZ: Oh that is just great. I haven't seen that little girl in a while. Good to see she could help us out.
MF: Didn't you say you had a big announcement to make?
PZ: Oh yeah, actually I have two. First*****Tonight, this is a PPV, right??? Let's go out like a Pay Per View and have the World Heavyweight Title decided TONIGHT!!!! All semifinalists will be involved. It's a SCAVENGER HUNT MATCH!!!! Each wrestler will be given a list of five items to go get and bring back. These items will be announced at the beginning of the actual MAIN EVENT match this evening. The first athlete to bring all five items back to the ring and get it into their little section of the ring will be the NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION.
MF: Excellent. What was the other announcement?
PZ: I almost forgot. Take a look around in the WRW. It is going to be rookiefest for a while. We have some good new guys. We have the Buffoon. Now we have three newcomers that will be forces here in the WRW. They are Fighting Fury the Big Fat Ass, Val Venus Flytrap, and MeanWooooo ByGodJean. These three athletes will be pushing up the rankings.
MF: I can't wait to see that fucking plant try to do an interview.
PZ: Yeah, Val Venus Flytrap is a potted plant, but don't let that fool you. Especially mutha fuckin Fly Girl. That's what he eats, baby. You may be first on the list.
MF: Let's have a match already, damn.
PZ: OK let's get to the ring.
************
Phone A Thon Match for WRW Magazine Subscriptions
Impotent Ernie vs. The Buffoon
************
PZ: Let me explain this match to our fans. There are two phones in the ring. Each man gets to sit at a phone. They are given a list of one hundred phone numbers. They have two minutes to call as many people as they can and get people to subscribe to WRW Magazine. The man who has signed up the most people at the end of the two minutes will win this match. So let's get these guys to the ring.
("Mr. Bake-o" by Adam Sandler plays)
PZ: There he is. The newest sensation in the WRW...THE BUFFOON!!
(Crowd has begun a "fucking shit" chant)
MF: I can honestly say I've never heard a fucking shit chant before in my life.
PZ: I agree.
("Come With Me" by Puff Daddy plays)
PZ: And there is the theme music for the shriveled up raisin sack known as IMPOTENT ERNIE!!!!!!
(Crowd is holding up signs which read "Got Viagra?", and some of the signs are cut out light blue diamonds to resemble viagra pills.)
PZ: The fans really enjoy both of these men. This should be a great one. I hope the crowd doesn't cheer too much during the match, though, cuz I know it's hard to hear on the phone with all that going on. Both men are seated, so let's get this one underway.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Both men have picked up their phones and are dialing. Let's see who gets through first. We have attachments on the phone so we can hear what goes on during these conversations. Let's get in there right now
--
Some Old Lady: Hello?
Buffoon: I put a firecracker in a bullfrog's mouth and blew his fuckin head off.
*click*
--
PZ: What about the other phone?
MF: I don't know why don't we check that one out.
--
Some dude: Hello?
IE: Hello, sir. I would like to interest you in a subscription to the hottest magazine around, the...
*click*
IE: Dammit.
--
PZ: Haha this is going to be funnier than I thought.
MF: Buffoon's at it again.
--
Some Guy: Hello?
Buffoon: Fucking shit.
Some Guy: Hello?
Buffoon: One time I saw my grandmother in the shower...
*click*
--
MF: Well, we're almost at one minute now, and Ernie's trying again.
--
A Chick: Hello?
IE: Hello, ma'am. Would you be interested in a magazine subscription to the...
*click*
IE: GOD DAMMIT!!
--
MF: HAhahahahaha.
PZ: God this is too much.
--
Answering Machine: Hello, we're not home right now, but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you when we can. Thanks!!! *beep*
Buffoon: Fucking Shit. I had diarrhea last month. I had to shit all fuckin day.
--
PZ: That guy is an interesting character. We still have no memberships to the magazine. I don't know how the Buffoon is going to get one.
MF: I don't know either.
--
Woman: Domino's, may I help you?
IE: Yes, I'd like a large bacon double cheeseburger pizza.
Woman: Is that pick up or delivery?
IE: Delivery.
Woman: Can I have an address?
IE: The WRW LittleAss Arena downtown.
Woman: And a name...
IE: Yeah, Paul Zylinski.
Woman: Be about a half hour. Bye.
IE: Wait wait wait.
Woman: Yes?
IE: You want to buy a magazine subscription?
Woman: To what?
IE: To the hottest magazine in the US today, the World of Retard Wrestling Magazine.
Woman: What the hell is that shit?
IE: It's the official magazine of the World of Retard Wrestling.
Woman: No thanks.
IE: OK then you can shove that pizza up your ass.
*click*
--
PZ: That fucker better not be sending pizza to me unless he's buying.
MF: Hahaha. He tried to order a pizza.
PZ: The two minutes has expired, and we're just kind of hanging around to see if any of these retards gets a subscription. Buffoon's calling again. Hey, that number's not on the list what the hell?
--
Woman: Hello?
Buffoon: I got a snake, mang.
Woman: Micheal, son is that you?
Buffoon: One time I fed it some beer, mang. It was slivering this way and that. It was all fucked up.
Woman: How have you been? Have you been brushing your teeth and playing with your cock and balls for mama?
Buffoon: Fucking shit.
Woman: Would you like to talk to your brother, Jimmy? Jimmy come here and talk to your brother and while you're on the phone you can whack your cock and nuts for yourself. Where are you going? Oh boy these kids I'll tell you.
Buffoon: One time I ate my neighbor's shit.
Paul Z. Voice Over: Oh my god this is the Buffoon's Mom!!! This is an easy sale. He should win this shit right here.
Woman: I've got to go now Mr. Chaisson's in his backyard and I want him to stare at my jugs and play with that healthy wang of his. I'll talk to you later, son.
Buffoon: I'm gonna go get head from that fuckin girl.
*click*
--
PZ: Oh my god he didn't even get his own Mom to buy a subscription. This is too much.
MF: Damn that is the most messed up family I've ever seen.
PZ: Ernie's on the phone again. He'd better win this match now or I'll have to throw it out cuz this is just taking too long.
--
Woman: Oooooh you've reached the hottest phone line in America. Toll charges are only $2.99 for the first minute, 99 cents each additional minute.
IE: Kick ass.
Woman: Are you ready to speak with me, Candy, or one of my HOT friends? Hehe. We are here to satisfy EVERY fantasy you have hiding in the deepest recesses of your mind. So if you're ready to talk to us and want this call discreetly charged to your phone bill, press the pound key now.
IE: *beep*
Paul Z. Voice Over: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Woman: You've pressed the pound key that means you would like to be discreetly billed to your phone bill. Thank you Mr....PAUL ZYLINSKI.
Paul Z. Voice Over: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Woman: Press one for hot one on one action. Press two if you'd like to listen in to me and one of my girlfriends do nasty things. (changes to a dude's voice) FOR GAY MEN AND WOMEN, PRESS THREE.
IE: *beep*
Dude's voice: YOU'VE PRESSED THREE, YOU ARE READY TO GET THE HOTTEST MALE ON MALE.....
IE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I pressed ONE!!!!!!!!!!! *click*
--
PZ: Everybody out of the pool!!!!!!!!!!!!! This match is a no contest!!!! And Ernie I'm gonna whoop your ass for pulling that shit!!!! It's coming out of your paycheck.
IE: What are you going to do? Not buy me a box of Trix this week? You cheap bastard.
(both men leave)
PZ: Well, that was a dumb idea for a match. I'm glad I'll never have one of those matches again.
(Phone in the ring starts ringing)
MF: What the shit?
PZ: I'll get it.
(Paul Z. climbs into the ring and answers the phone. It's Grandpa Muenster.)
PZ: Hey, Muenster, what's shaking man?
GM: A lot. I'm here with a chick that says she's CarpetBurn's wife. She might be able to shed some light on whatever happened last week where some guy looked like CB up in the rafters. I've got a camera and a freak reporter here and there's a mock wrestling ring in the living room at her house so check this out.
(some music starts playing)
(it's "Another one bites the dust")
Some Freak: Wait a minute....that's Carpetburn's music!!!! We were sure he was dead!!!
(a very hot woman walks down to the ring.)
SF: But who the hell is she!!! That sure isnt Carpetburn!!! She has a microphone.....
Woman: I bet you're all wondering who I am and why I came out to Carpetburn's music....well, I'm his WIFE!!! I knew that when Carpetburn was doing the infamous chicky run of death match, he was way in over his head, but he wouldnt listen to me. I was there on the cliff with the other fans, and I watched my own husband die...(she starts crying)....and when I went to the bottom of the cliff, all that was left of him was a big mess......but then I got a miraculous idea....I had just recently seen the movie Face Off with Nicholas Cage and John Travolta, where they take a guys face and put it on another guy....well, I figured I would give it a shot and try to do that operation, you know, to put Carpetburn's face on someone else.....,(a brain transplant was definitely out of the question, it looked like jello along with his other innards at the bottom of the cliff) so I tried to figure out a guy that i could put his face on, I mean, so I could still have a husband and someone could carry on the carpetburn name.....but no one lived up to the requirements, exept for JoJo......the circus monkey. I had seen him in the circus, and I had no problem purchasing the monkey for a million bucks because of the life insurance policy on Carpetburn. but the face thing would be a lot more complicated. I figured I would just find the guy that did the operation (like the guy on the movie), make him do the operation or Ii would kill him, then kill him after he was done and throw away the nasty monkey face (just like on the movie, except for the part about the monkey face). but, I couldnt even find a doctor that does that, so I had to settle for the next best thing.....putting Carpetburns mask on JoJo the Circus monkey....I mean really, no one even saw carpetburns face, and the mask still lives on to carry on the prestigous name of Carpetburn, so i changed JoJo's name.....ladies and gentlemen.....I give you ..........CARPETBURN TWOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
(AOBTD plays again, and here comes JoJo the circus monk....I mean, Carpetburn 2....he is wearing CB's old mask, ha ha, and....a diaper!! He is galloping towards the ring....he is trying to get in the ring.....this ought to be interesting....he climbs on top of the ring post...now he's getting back down.....The crowd back in the WRW LittleAss Arena is going bananas. Cb's wife is now helping him into the ring. he is holding her hand......)
Woman: as you can see, he wasn't trained that well, so I am going to have to work with him. (it shouldnt be any harder than teaching the cat to flush the toilet, that was a task...) dont let his cuteness fool you though....he's a killer wrestlin machine!!.....As for me, I'll be his manager and accompany him to the ring for evry match, but dont count on me flashing the crowd to get attention and become popular like that slut Snow White!!! lets go Carpetburn 2......
(he jumps into her arms and they leave)
PZ: That was kind of funny. They had their whole house set up like a small wrestling arena.
MF: Haha that's like my bedroom when I'm planning on getting lucky. I've got two words for ya.
PZ: God dammit don't tell me that shit. So Carpetburn has returned, kind of. Actually it's a monkey and a lonely ass lady.
MF: She was fine, though.
PZ: Yeah, but she's probably doing the monkey.
MF: Like I give a monkey's ass. I see that shit on the net all the time. It makes me feel funny.
PZ: I heard that. Like that dude and that chicken. You gotta feel bad for that chicken. I haven't had KFC for a while, either. Anyway, let's get to the ring for the next match.
*************
Blindfolded, Tied to an Inflatable Woman match
Harlowe T. Quimby vs. Sleazy Dwarf
*************
PZ: Here comes Mark "The Skoot" Grinsell carrying the inflated women and the blindfolds to the ring. He's telling the crowd of how he scored last night when he really didn't. He's in the ring, now so let's do this.
("Loser in the End" by Queen plays.)
PZ: And here comes the man...Harlowe T. QUIMBY!!!!!! This guy has the most potential I've seen in this league. He and Speck have been some big the influences on that Interview board lately.
("Heigh Ho Heigh Ho" by Marilyn Manson plays. The lights go down to a blueish haze.)
MF: Dammit this shit always creeps me out. Where is that little bugger?
PZ: Here he comes now! The crowd still is not sure whether to cheer or not.
("Here I come to Save the Day!!!" blasts over the loudspeaker)
PZ: OH MY GOD IT's PEDRO ASTACIO!!!!!!!!
MF: Damn I haven't seen his ass in months.
PZ: Maybe he's special guest referee. Pedro's in the ring.
MF: He's reaching for the mike!!
Pedro: You know what? I haven't done an interview or anything in months. You want to show everybody you rule, Paul? Is that what you like? You just have people killed to show that this is your league? Well guess what? I am the longest running non-RPer in this fed and you can try to kill me but you know what? You can't cuz I'm quick and I'm gonna be a thorn in your side until this league shuts down. What do you have to say about that?
PZ: I've got one word to say about that. LEE!!!!!!!!!!!
MF: Here comes Lee "Slicin' and Dicin'" Bates!!!!!! He's with a masked man who has a hatchet!!!!! Pedro is trying to get over the guardrail, but the crowd is just pushing his ass back into the ring area. They're chasing him around the ring! Lee and Hatchet man trip and Pedro is running back to the dressing room area.
PZ: NO IT'S FIRE HYDRANT BOY!!!!
MF: FHB blocks the exit and he wails Pedro with the BIG SACK KICK!!!! Now Lee Bates is dragging Pedro to the ring kicking and screaming. Harlowe and Sleazy have begun fighting on the floor.
( The lights have gone down again, except this time they've gone down to nothing.)
PZ: Haha there's that little screaming bitch. He won't scream much longer.
(Lights come back up)
MF: Where'd Lee and the Masked Murderer go? What the fuck we've got farm animals in the ring now?
PZ: They've learned from their mistakes. They didn't let anyone see them do anything. And look what they've left in the ring. Pedro's body parts all chopped up.
MF: What the hell is that goat doing in the ring?
PZ: Don't you see he's got a knife in his mouth? He killed Pedro.
MF: You know as much as I do that that goat did not kill Pedro.
PZ: Why not? He's standing over the dismembered corpse holding a knife. I think he did it!!!
MF: A goat cannot kill people. That is so messed up. Lee and the Masked Murderer killed Pedro, ran away, and left the goat in the ring. He didn't do it he's just a scape...OOoooohhh I get it. That's fucking terrible.
PZ: Yeah I know. I didn't think it would take you that long. That is pretty bad. It must be their trademark or something. Somebody get those bodyparts out of the ring. Harlowe and Sleazy are fighting outside of the ring. Damn that looks funny with those inflatable women tied to the front of them.
MF: God that is too far for a punchline. Lee needs to work on something else for next time.
PZ: I kind of liked it. That goat was funny as hell standing there with that knife in his mouth. Can't wait till the cops come. Sleazy and Harlowe can only slap at each other because the inflatable women won't let them get close enough to grab each other. This was yet more great planning by yours truly in coming up with match ideas.
MF: What's Harlowe doing?
PZ: Harlowe is pushing the sex doll to his backside like he's giving her a piggyback ride. Now he can work. He's got Sleazy in a headlock and he throws him back into the ring. Now Harlowe is feeling around for Sleazy.
MF: Damn, Paul. This match was hard enough with just the people being tied to the inflatable women. Then you had to blindfold them?
PZ: Only the best for my fans.
MF: That's great n' all but now they can't find each other.
PZ: They're not trying hard enough. Those love dolls squeak like Stephen Hawkins all you gotta do is listen. Harlowe hears Sleazy in the corner trying to regain his feet and avalanches his ass!! Wow that's impressive with Harlowe being blindfolded and all. Harlowe's signalling to the crowd!! This will be it! FAMILY VALUES!!! No Sleazy was able to flip and land on his love doll, he bounced back to his feet!!! DWARF DROP!!!!!!! Quimby landed on his doll, but he is still down!!! A cover....
-----1
-----2
-----Kick out
PZ: Damn. Harlowe just needed a little rest. He's back up and ready to go.
MF: What does Sleazy Dwarf have? He just held it up to the crowd.
PZ: I think it's a pin!!! He just poked a hole in Harlowe's doll!!!!! She's losing air fast!! Sleazy with a low blow to Harlowe.
MF: What are you a poet?
PZ: Shut up. He's going for the Dwarf Drop!!!! Reversal into FAMILY VALUES...Sleazy spins out of it into A DWARF DROP....Harlowe flips backwards out of that into the DOUBLE DEODORANT ARM SILENCER!!!!!! Sleazy is down!!!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Here is your winner.....HARLOWE QUIMBY!!!!!! Well that turned out to be a decent match. Harlowe is in the house though, and maybe this was an unfair test for Sleazy Dwarf for his first match.
(Lee "Slicin' and Dicin'" Bates comes down to the ring covered in blood carrying a ladder. The crowd goes crazy.)
PZ: Oh man, that's awful how that goat tried to frame poor Mr. Bates.
MF: ?????
PZ: Oh come on you could see that that goat was not able to control itself. It would have killed us all given half the chance. Let's get our next match kicked off here.
**************
Sarah Michelle Gellar Ladder Match
Squirts vs. Dead Man Not Walking
**************
("Don't Drink the Water" by Dave Matthews Band plays over the loudspeakers.)
PZ: Here comes the former Heavyweight Champion of the World, SQUIRTS!!!!!!
MF: Wow he looks better than ever. I'd give him the belt right now if I were you.
PZ: What? God dammit.
("99 Ways to Die" by Megadeth plays)
PZ: And here comes the Dead Man.
(Crowd boos loudly)
MF: They are being pretty hard on him. How could you hate a dead guy? He's the ultimate underdog.
PZ: Man With Wheelbarrow just dumped DMNW into the ring, so let's drop the vixen from the cieling. OK down she comes, and up goes the ladder. We're ready to go with this one.
(Ding Ding)
MF: Ohhhhhhh boy. Look at her just dangling there. I'm about to go get her.
PZ: No tampering with match outcomes. People will say you were gambling on the match and then you'll become the Pete Rose of the WRW.
MF: WHO SAID I WAS GAMBLING?????? Was it fucking Runner I'll beat his ass I told him not to say anything that little pecker.
PZ: No I just made it up damn calm down. Squirts is going up the ladder, and this one is going to be over. He's almost to the top, and DMNW isn't doing anything to stop him!! He's on the top rung, and he's reaching up. Whoops, he flies down those stairs and to the dressing room.
MF: Dammit so close. Look at Sarah Michelle Gellar dangling there kicking. Hang on, honey I'm coming.
PZ: You have to stay right here or you can get in serious trouble. I'm serious. Here comes Squirts again. He's back on the ladder and he's climbing. He's on the top rung again...He's got her!!!!!!!
(DIng Ding)
PZ: Squirts is your winner, and he's running back to the dressing room again. Hahaha.
MF: Can I go in the ring now I want to meet her real bad.
PZ: Sure go ahead the match is over.
MF: Miss Gellar I've always wanted to...what the hell???
SMG: Hay, wut did yoo ekspekt?
PZ: Oh shit Sarah Michelle Gellar just took off her wig and it's Fire Hydrant Boy!!!!!
MF: I'm out of here. You're a homo, FHB.
FHB: Bich. Ile tern yoo intoo one of my hose.
PZ: Jesus Christ this event has turned into more shit than I need to see. Mike Forti just kicked the ladder over he was so pissed. He left the ring as well, and the ladder landed on DMNW. The Dead Man is holding his arm???? What the hell. That's not Rigor Mortis. That's a reaction from a living person. I'll be right back.
MF: OK Go get em Paul.
(Paul gets in the ring with a microphone. He moves the ladder and he messes with DMNW.)
PZ: Excuse me, mr. Dead Man Not Walking, I noticed that you may have an arm injury. Can you elaborate on the severity of your condition. OK I see, so what if I kick you in the leg real hard.
(Paul kicks the corpse)
PZ: Oh that didn't work, huh? What if I drop this damn ladder on your head?
(Paul drops the ladder toward DMNW's head, but he puts his hands up and catches the ladder. The crowd is booing like crazy and throwing tons of shit into the ring.)
PZ: Why, Dead Man, Why? Why have you deceived your fans in this way? These people loved you.
(Dead Man Not Walking sits up and begins to tell his story.)
DMNW: I am not Dead Man Not Walking. My name is Jerry, and I'm his brother. Actually, they call me Big Dork Not Working At The Moment. When Dave died, I went a little crazy, and I lost my job. I had been unemployed for a long ass time. I watched the WRW show one day, and....
PZ: Somebody watched the show!!!! ROCK!!!! Proceed, sir.
BDNWATM: ...I saw how much influence my dead brother was having. I was jealous, and I wanted to run his career into the ground. I tied him up in my basement and I've been taking his place ever since. I've been having fun, but things like ladders dropping on me and stuff hurts a lot, and I've gained a lot of respect for my brother and his profession. And I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my brother, wherever you are, Dave...whoops...I mean Dead Man Not Walking, I'm sorry for what I've done and I hope you can forgive me.
(Lights go down, and a large figure's shadow strolls from the dressing room area.)
Figure: Forgiveness is a thing we ask for when we have done wrong. The words in this day and age of lawyers and bribes have lost all meaning. All forgiveness means is that the forgiven has another chance to fuck up at the expense of the victim. Not anymore. Wrongdoing ends here. And Dominick, honey, I haven't forgiven you yet.
PZ: Oh shit, it's RATGIRL!!!
Ratgirl: And I won't forgive you. You have done me wrong and I can't take it. You will come back to me or you will pay dearly. Quoth the Ratgirl, NEVERMORE!!!!
(The beastly form of Ratgirl disappears behind the curtain. Some commotion is heard in the rafters. The crowd begins to buzz with excitement. The lights come back up.)
PZ: So is that all you have to say, Jerry?
Jerry: Yes, I guess. All I want is to be forgiven. That is all.
(A man drops from the rafters by a noose around his neck. It's DEAD MAN NOT WALKING!!!!!!! He lands on the ground kind of dangling just barely touching the mat. The crowd goes absolutely bonkers.)
Jerry: Brother, can you forgive me for what I've done? Take my hand.
(Jerry takes DMNW by the hand and shakes it. The crowd gives a mixed response.)
PZ: Well there you have it, brothers once again.
Jerry: AAAAAahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
PZ: RIGOR MORTIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Dead Man slapped on RIGOR MORTIS on the hand of his own brother, and Jerry is down and out!!!!!!!!!!!!! The crowd here is going insane!!!!!!!!! There goes DMNW with his brother by the arm up into the rafters once again. What a great night. We have Dead Man Not Walking back tonight and the crowd is still going crazy.
MF: Wow this is something else.
PZ: Let's get started with that Scavenger Hunt match for the World Heavyweight Title. Our competitors please come down here as I call your name.
aixelsyD...
The Proctologist...
The Dwarf...
Deaf, Blind, Paralyzed, Mouth Sewn Shut, Parapalegic Man..
Crash Test Charlie...
Oingo Boingo...
Oldberg...Aww fuck him.
PZ: We have seven, well six great athletes in the ring to begin this battle for the Heavyweight Title. Here are your lists. You must wait until the bell rings to begin. As you see, I have taken "Old person" off of the list and made it a list of four items, since you can all claim Oldberg. Now let's go.......
(Ding Ding)
PZ: They've scattered in all directions. The first thing on the list is a Rapper. They have to find a rapper.
MF: I've got one in my pocket. HEY STUBBY over here!!!!
PZ: No not a candy wrapper, a rapper like Dr. Dre or Ice Cube.
MF: Or DMX?
PZ: I guess so. It's up to the ref. He has to be able to kicks tha flavor. Whatever that means. Here comes The Dwarf with one of his brothers, Dopey. I thought he couldn't talk. Happy said "His name's Dopey. He don't talk none" in the movie.
MF: He doesn't talk. He just busts rhymes and caps.
PZ: Oh one of those gangsta dwarves. Let's hear him.
Dopey: Comin' atcha like a mutha fuckin' nitemare. Got thirsty so I bought me a milkshake.
Ref: Stop right there. That was hardcore. Dwarf has his first item.
PZ: Yes, Dwarf is on to his second item, which is a Good CD. No Micheal Bolton. aixelsyD has a black guy and they're getting into the ring. Let's hear what he has to say about the subject.
Black guy: I own this country from west to east, cold stompin mutha fuckas like a savage beast...
Ref: Yes. That is good. syD has a rapper as well.
PZ: Excellent. Here comes the Dwarf with his second item. It's a CD. WHo is it? Let's go to the ref.
Ref: Dwarf, go shove this up your bunghole and bring me another CD.
Dwarf: What? The Titanic soundtrack rules!!!!!!
PZ: Here comes syD with a CD.
Ref: Metallica, The Black Album, ROCK syD has moved on.
PZ: The third item on the list is Your Own Underwear!!! There goes syD to the back to get them drawers off. Where is everybody else?
MF: Proctologist and Oingo Boingo went off together, but haven't come back yet. Stubby's still parked in the ring. Crash test Charlie is running around somewhere.
PZ: Here comes CTC. He's got VANILLA ICE!!!!!!
Ref: Come on, chuck. You know he's not a rapper.
Vanilla Ice: Come on, G. You know I shot somebody once.
Ref: Get his lying ass out of here please.
PZ: Here comes the Dwarf back down the aisle.
Ref: Guns and Roses: Use Your Illusion I. Good record. Dwarf has his second item.
PZ: Wow this is turning into syD vs. the Dwarf now. The Nation can't lose!!!! Here come Oingo Boingo and the Proctologist carrying a white guy. Uh oh this can't bode well.
Ref: Lets hear it...what did you say your name was?
White Guy: Cauco the killer cracker.
Ref: That's it, Proctologist and Oingo Boingo, you guys are disqualified for this shit. Get the hell out of my sight I don't want to see you freaks for at least a week.
PZ: Hahahahaha. Oh my god that is funny as hell.
MF: Cauco the killer caucasian that's funny.
PZ: No it's cracker.
MF: Whatever. Here comes aixelsyD with his drawers.
Ref: GOOD!!! Final item...One Donut...Go get it.
PZ: Oh damn. Now here comes the Dwarf. syD just hopped in his car to go hit Dunkin' Donuts. Dwarf has his drawers out in his hand.
Ref: OK continue. You need a donut.
PZ: Dwarf just looked like he had an idea. Can somebody follow him when he leaves.
MF: It doesn't look like he's leaving.
PZ: What?
MF: He's going back to the dressing room area. He's knocking on Harlowe Quimby's door!!! He knows Harlowe is the donut man of the WRW. Harlowe opens the door and he's got a whole big ass box of donuts!!!! Dwarf is begging for one! Let's listen in...
--
Dwarf: Please, Harlowe. This is the World Heavyweight Title we're talking about. You give me a donut and I become the World Champion.
Harlowe: Isn't that funny. You back out of a match with me. Now you want me to help you. Oh what a tangled web we weave, Mr. Dwarf.
Dwarf: I swear I will make it up to you.
Harlowe: How?
Dwarf: I will give you the first shot at the Heavyweight Title. How about that?
Harlowe: Not enough.
Dwarf: I will buy you mad donuts.
Harlowe: Don't care. Harlowe's Donuts makes good donuts and I get them for free.
Dwarf: You can have Snow White for a night.
Harlowe: One Night? Get out of here, Mr. Dwarf.
Dwarf: OK a week. Now please give me a donut.
Harlowe: OK I'll tell you what. Here, take this and show it to the ref, and win that belt. I'll see you soon, you little pecker.
--
PZ: Wow some collusion there between The Dwarf and Harlowe Quimby. A partnership if you will, to get The Dwarf the World Title. Here he comes to the ring now!!!! He's in the ring.
Ref: What the hell? I said donut, and you bring me an apple fritter. They may be good, but it's still more of a pastry than a donut.
Dwarf: FUCK!!!!!!
PZ: He's back in the dressing room area pounding on Harlowe's door again, but there's no answer this time. The Dwarf collapses on the door with the apple fritter in his hand. AIXELSYD IS BACK!!!!! He's throwing donuts to the crowd!!!! He brought some for everyone!!!!! He is in the ring now with the box of donuts!! The box is empty!! Hahaha whoops it looks like he threw one too many to the crowd. He's calling to the crowd for someone to throw a donut back to him.
MF: Fuck that I'm keeping mine. This shit is powdered goodness.
PZ: He's looking around in desperation. There's a kid in the front row with a donut and he wants syD to have it, but he can't throw it that far. syD leaves the ring and goes to get it from the kid. All he has to do is get back in the ring. He's in the ring...
Ref: It's a donut.....
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Yesssssss Here is your winner AND NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION..........AIXELSYD!!!!!!!!!! Damn, now he's got two belts.
MF: Just unify those fuckers.
PZ: Unify the Cardboard Belt and the World title? I thought about it, but now with the flood of new talent, I don't think I can.
MF: Have another tournament, except this time for the Cardboard Belt.
PZ: Fuck that shit. This one took too long. Listen up!!!!!! ANOTHER SCAVENGER HUNT RIGHT NOW. ONE ITEM. ANYONE THAT WANTS TO BE IN IT IS IN. FIRST PERSON TO BRING ME AN APPLE FRITTER WINS THE LITTLE BUS CARDBOARD BELT!!!!
Buffoon: Fuckin shit
MF: Wow. Harlowe's door just burst open.
PZ: Harlowe kicked the fritter out of Dwarf's hand and it went into a heating duct. Damn. Harlowe's got one from his box of donuts. He is running for the ring. Dwarf is chasing after, but too far behind. Wait!!!! Event Staff just stuck a foot out and tripped Harlowe Quimby!!!! They are pulling their jacket off and IT'S SNOW WHITE!!!! Harlowe dropped the fritter!!! Dwarf has it and he's in the ring!!!!!!!!!
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Here is your winner, and NEW LITTLE BUS CARDBOARD BELT HOLDER, THE DWARF!!!!!!!!!!!!
MF: He finally won a belt!!
PZ: Dwarf and Snow White are in the ring going crazy!!! The Cardboard is high in the air!! This has been one of the greatest WRW events ever. What a night for the Nation of Fornication. What a night for everybody involved with the World of Retard Wrestling. For Mike Forti, Fire Hydrant Boy who is NOT MY SON, and everybody else, I'm the Cerebral one, saying goodnight from Buffalo.
(Scene fades out, and comes back to Dwarf and syD celebrating with Snow White in the back dressing room area. Champagne is flying everywhere, but mostly on Snow White's white cotton shirt. The belts are sitting side by side on a bench in the dressing room. Champagne goes all over the camera lens and the scene fades to black.)
===================================================
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