Humpday<br>January 27,1999
The WRW's Middle of the Week Event
HUMPDAY HIJINX
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
I remember back when I was a young kid, and I wanted to be a wrestler. I
used to watch the Hulkster and Nikolai Volkoff on my TV and wish I could
be them. Now, I am suddenly wishing I was born retarded because of...
_______
WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
Humpday Hijinx
January 27th, 1999
Tourette's Boy is mad up in this card, so if you are offended by Fuck, Shit, Whore, and other such curse words, please visit www.Disney.com.
This event is rated "S" for Squirts, as well as Snow white naked
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(Scene opens with Paul Z. stomping down the runway. He looks intent on something. He looks a little pissed off, with a mission. He goes through the curtain and into the backstage area, where you see Ratgirl and Demented Fan talking against the wall. The camera catches up to the Prez.)
Paul Z: We are going to end this right now. This is ridiculous.
(Paul Z. busts the door open to Squirts' dressing room. It is empty)
PZ: You fuckers where are you. That belt cost me too damn much to deal with this. These fans don't deserve this title up in the air bullshit.
(our prez walks to The Proctologist's dressing room. He sees the two men, still joined at the wrist/anus, playing cards on a bench. This angers the prez)
PZ: You mother...sons of...god.da...Bast...fuc...get out there in the god damn ring right now. This ends tonight. I'll be damned if this hand up the ass thing doesn't resolve right now.
(He pushes the odd, four legged form down to the ring. All 38 fans are watching in horror as they watch this human oddity come to the ring.)
PZ: Alright, you have one last chance to get your hand out of his ass.
The Proctologist: I can't I've told you.
PZ: I wanna see you try.
TP: Here, watch this.
(Proctologist lays on the mat and puts both feet on Squirts' ass and pushes, trying to dislodge the impeding hand)
PZ: Is that the best you can do?
TP: What else do you want me to do?
PZ: I just wanted to know that was the best you could do. SECURITY!!!
(Out comes Navajo Shaman Chief Squatting Dog, head of WRW security. He has a chainsaw in his hand and he is laughing)
NSCSD: We get him now. Hold 'em.
TP: Nooooooooooooooooo
(Chief Squatting Dog moves the chainsaw slowly over to the hand of The Proctologist. As he moves to cut into the flesh of his forearm, out pops the hand with the belt)
(A deafening bang is heard as the backedup ass gas and what have you comes flying out of Squirts)
PZ: Well, what do you know? Look at that.
TP: Wow, it's a miracle. My hand is out of his ass!!!
PZ: I have a feeling this goes deeper than that.
Squirts: I sure don't (running around holding his ass. Blood coming from his anus)
TP: OK, you got me. I just liked having my hand up his ass. Does that make me a criminal?
PZ: Yes, it does. If you EVER pull a stunt like that again, I will suspend you so fast, my head will spin. This is a league for freaks, but that crosses the line. I bet you even liked being with Squirts so you could watch him go pee, didn't you???
TP:..........
PZ: Exactly. You have that nice looking, well the lower half anyway, manager.
TP: Yeah, Butt her face...
PZ: You kids today, let me tell you. You guys are so selfish. It's not about you...it's about these fans...
(Paul Z points to the stands, where all of the fans were before they left to go to the concession stand. One fan remains and says "Yay.")
PZ: It's about him. That one guy is the reason we are here. You need to get that into your head. Else you're outta here, you got it?
TP: Yess, massa.
PZ: You two freaks get out of here so we can clean the ring up in time for the first match. Well, you, Squirts left a while ago, I guess.
(They leave and the prez takes the belt to have it disinfected. The ring is being attended to by event staff)
===========================================
Five Minute Intermission
===========================================
PZ: Well, we're back, and we have a World Title Belt again. It may be a little dirty, but we're taking care of that right now. That belt will be nice and shiny for the February 6th card; Somewhere Under the Rainbow, Retards Fly. That's where those two freaks kill each other, and Little Pedro Astacio walks out as the respectable WRW World Heavyweight Champion. We're going to go down to our first match up pitting the newcomer CarpetBurn against The Dwarf in a squeaky sledgehammer tap-out match. Well, these gentlefreaks wanted a steel cage match, but we couldn't afford a cage. My apologies to both competitors. We couldn't even afford real sledgehammers. Hell with it. Let's go down to special guest ring announcer, Tourette's Boy!!!!
TB: Ladies and Fuck Gentlemen. This Bitch Ass Match is scheduled for whore fuck one tap out. Fuck coming to the ring at shit this time FUCK!! OWWWWWW!!!
(Another One Bites the Dust by Queen plays over the sound system as CarpetBurn comes out of the back with his big ass real sledgehammer)
TB: Carpet BUUUUURRRRRRNNNNNNNN FFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!
(He climbs into the ring. He is being admonished by referee Spanky McGillicutty for having a real sledgehammer. The hammer is taken, and he is given the little squeaky plastic hammer. He hits himself in the head with the hammer)
CarpetBurn: I should have went to a real wrestling federation. This sucks.
TB: Now Ass coming to the Slut ring, led by the whore beautiful Snow Shit White. TTTHHEEEEEEEE AAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHOOOOOOLLLLLLEEEEEE DDDDWWWWWAAAAARRRRRRFFFFFFFF!!!
(He low fives the fans on the way to the ring. Snow White puts him up on the apron of the ring, and he ducks and walks under the bottom rope. He is given the hammer, and they look ready to go.)
PZ: Is this match getting underway, yet? Would that guy get out of the ring?
TB: I am FUCK still here, because I Shit am announcing my Boner retirement from the Shit sport of wrestling as a Bitch wrestler. I am going to FUCK SHIT WHORE use all my attention to FUCK pursue my dream of SHIT COCK HOOKER becoming a ring announcer. Thank FUCK you.
PZ: Well, not really news at all, but that should be interesting. I've been looking for a new ring announcer anyway. Spanky has rung the bell, and this match has begun. Both men are swinging the hammers violently at each other, but neither has connected. There's a shot that rocks Dwarf, but he's right back in there swinging again. He hits CB twice and he's holding his head. *squeak* he connects again!! CB is down on the mat. The ref gets in his face.
Ref: You gonna give it up, Burn?
CB: Hell no. Get off me.
PZ: Oh man, this is crazy. That man is taking a beating. I haven't heard this much squeaking since I had that rodent infestation in my house, and I had Diane Kronson come over and strip to scare them away. Regardless, Dwarf is beating the ass out of CB, and it isn't looking good. CB is starting to raise to his feet. He swings and connects! He jabs Dwarf in the ribs with the butt end of the hammer. Dwarf bends over, and he gets clocked in the back of the head by the squeaking mallet. Dwarf is down, and he's getting destroyed by this large man with the hammer. WHat's this? Who is this coming down? IT's Demented Fan, or the artist formerly known as Pillowman!! He's here. Dwarf is raising his arm...he's going to tap out!! Demented Fan grabbed his arm before he could...
Demented Fan: Have you seen Dead Man Not Walking? We're best friends, you know. He's always calling me and stuff. I don't understand. He always wants to hang out and he doesn't understand I'm a busy man and I got things to do and stuff and I don't need to hang out with him all the time cuz I'm a grown up man and he's a great, great man but I need some time to myself so have you seen him cuz I gotta talk to him cuz he didn't return my phone calls.
Dwarf, CB, and Ref: NNNOOOOOO!!!!
DF: Ok bye.
PZ: What the hell?
Tourette's boy: FUCK
PZ: My sentiments exactly. Now both combatants are back to their feet and swinging again. Dwarf is busted open on the forehead. He tastes the blood as it drips down into his mouth and he becomes enraged. He takes a run at CB, but CB moves and Dwarf hits the turnbuckle. Now CB's hanging him up in the tree of woe in the corner. His feet are locked and he can't move. This is going to be the end of this one. CB backs up to the opposite turnbuckle. He takes a run and connects with a hammer shot in the stomach of Dwarf. Oh my god what a beating he has taken.
Ref: You wanna tap, Dwarf?
D: Yeah, I wanna, but I'm not gonna.
PZ: What can this guy have left to keep him in there? He's got one foot loose, now. CB is going back to do it again!!! Oh ref, get in there and stop this thing. Someone is going to get their career ended right here. CB runs and connects again. This is crazy. Please tap out, Dwarf.
Ref: Come on, just tap out man. Get this overwith.
D: Fuck that one more time let him hit me. Then I'll tap.
PZ: And CB is happy to oblige. He's backing up again. He's getting ready...Snow White is up on the apron...she's opening the front of her little frock thing...OOOOOOHHHHHHH MMMMMYYYYY GGGGGGGOOOOOOOODDDDDD!!! I've wanted to see those since I was six years old!!!! There they are. Snow White's cannons, holy crap!!!! Look at those nipples. CB is frozen just staring at Snow White's jugs. Who can blame the man. He shakes his head and runs at Dwarf a third time. Dwarf unhooks his foot and rolls out of the way. CarpetBurn goes hard to the buckle. He's rocked, and Dwarf whacks him on the head. *Squeak* The mallet has broken!! Dwarf broke his mallet. He takes CB's hammer and he's beating him with his own hammer!!! He goes down!!!! He's in a bad way.
Ref: You want to tap, Burn? Come on man tap.
CB: No way. AAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
PZ: Now Dwarf is laying the hammers down in the ring. He whips CB into the ropes...Dwarf Drop!!! He's layed out and Dwarf is picking him up. Another Dwarf Drop!!!! He's got him up again, whips him in, goes for it, but CB ducks behind and he's Going FOr THE EARYANKY!!! IT's reversed into the DWARF DROP again!!!!!! He tapped out he tapped out!!!!!!!
Ring Announcer Tourette's Boy: Here is your Bitch winner Fuck, The Shit Dwarf!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PZ: What an unbelievable opening match. They are helping both men back to the dressing room area, but the event staff seems more concerned with the health of Snow White, who is still hanging out of her shirt. Well, we might as well go down to the ring for our next contest, the three way match pitting Deep Throat against both Dead Man Not Walking and Demented Fan. One can't help but think that this one will turn into a full blown handicap match. So the stipulation on this one is only two people in the ring at a time. When one person wants out, they tag to the person outside on the apron. If that person comes into the ring when they are not legal, they lose the match. It's that simple. The first person to score a pinfall wins. Let's go to the ring...
TB: Our second Son Of A Bitch Match is a three way Fuck match, where the Bitch participant that scores FUck Fuck Fuck the first fall wins the Whore match. First, coming Cumming to the Fuck ring the man known as SLUT SLUT SLUT Demented Fan *Twitch*.
(DF Grabs the mike)
DF: I want everybody to listen to me. Dead Man Not Walking is a great man. He is a championship caliber wrestler, and he should be removed from the WRW list of Blow Jobbers. I will not rest until he moves up into the ranks of the regular wrestlers.
PZ: Hey, freak, listen.
DF: Yeah.
PZ: I'll make you a deal. If Dead Man Not Walking wins this match, I will move his carcass from the Blow Jobber roster to the WRW roster. How about that?
DF: That's a deal. I Love that man.
PZ: Then let's get this thing going. TB, back down to you.
TB: Bastard Now here comes Mother Fucker *Twitch* the newcomer, to the tune of "Cameltosis" by Korn Shit, *Convulsion* DEEP THROAT !!!
(She climbs into the ring and just stares at DF's crotch)
TB: Now, the Fuck third man in My ASS, coming to the Beeotch ring, led by Man With Big Dick Wheelbarrow, *Twitch* Dead Man Not Fuck Walking!!!!!
PZ: Man With Wheelbarrow dumps DMNW up onto the apron of the ring and takes off. He's giving the DORITO sign to the crowd. They're going absolutely crazy!!! The referee for this contest is Jimmy Lexia. He's calling for the bell.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: It's gonna be Deep Throat and Demented Fan starting this one off. Wait!! Tourette's boy tried to leave, but Deep Throat has him!! Put him down, you beast. She's trying to fondle him.
TB: SHit FUCk *Twitch*
PZ: She's dropped him, but Demented Fan with a roll up from behind...
-----1
-----2
-----Ohhhhh kick out
PZ: Wow, that one was almost over quickly. Deep Throat is up and she goes for a running clothesline. Demented Fan ducks and kicks her in the gut. Stone Cold Stunner!!!! He looks into the crowd, then at the camera...
DF: That was for you, Steve, buddy. Wherever you are, return my calls please.
PZ: Ok, whatever. He drops the big leg and goes for the pin...
-----1
-----2
-----Nope
PZ: Wow, that was closer than the last one. Demented Fan is putting in a good showing in this contest. That's what he needed was to get that Pillow off of his head. He's standing on one leg with arms in the air like the Karate Kid, and kicks!! The whiff, he missed, and now he's holding his hamstring. He hurt his leg. He is down and hurt bad.
DF: (In immense pain) I Love Ralph Macchio!!!!!!
PZ: Now Deep Throat is on the attack. She's got him up for a gorilla press slam. Down hard to the canvas. She's putting on the figure four leglock!!! Oh God, no. Demented Fan is screaming in pain. He is reaching for the ropes. He's not going to make it. But DMNW's hand is laying just inches from Fan's hand. He stretches...stretches...he got the tag to DMNW!!!! Deep Throat is arguing with the ref, now. Fan is leaving the ring, and he backdrops DMNW into the ring just as Deep Throat is turning around, SUNSET FLIP!!??!!?
-----1
-----2
PZ: Kick out easily by Deep Throat on the corpse. She gets up with anger in her eyes. She goes right after DMNW, and hits him with a power bomb!! Now he's in the Boston Crab!!! I think he's going to tap out!! Fan reaches in and bitchslaps Deep Throat, and she breaks the hold. She is over in the corner slapping him right back. She is slapping the hell out of him. Now the ref says that last slap was a tag. He's making Fan get in the ring!! Deep Throat steps through the ropes, and Fan gets into the ring. Dave!! Where've you been, man?
Running Man: Burying my Mom. I'm down.
PZ: Burying your mom? What happened?
RM: Killed the Bitch. Bye bye.
PZ: Later, man. Jesus, this place gets more messed up every time I turn around. Now Fan is in there and he's picking up DMNW for a suplex, who reverses it into a DDT!!!!!??????!!!!! He's got the pin...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: What the hell???!!!?? Dead Man Not Walking has won the match??? Great God Almighty. Wait!! Fan is getting up!! He's fine!! He Jobbed to Dead Man so that he would be removed from the Jobber list!! Demented Fan is hugging the corpse. Deep Throat is not happy. Here she comes after the Fan, but he scoops the corpse over his shoulder and takes off to the dressing room. Deep Throat is in hot pursuit, but Man With Wheelbarrow meets her in the runway and runs full speed with the wheelbarrow into her knee, and she is down. Man runs back to the dressing room. I don't think we've heard the last of this feud. Well right now we're going to show you a video tape of Dave Dives' interview with the reigning Little Bus Cardboard Belt holder, Deaf, Blind, Paralyzed, Mouth Sewn Shut, Parapalegic Man. Conspicuous by his absence...Dennis Rodman. Here's the footage:
========================
Interview with Stubby conducted by the Running Man
-------------------
RM: We are here with the reigning Little Bus Champ, Stubby. Stubby, may I call you stubby?
Stubby:
RM: OK I think I will call you stubby. So, champ, how does it feel to be wearing the gold, er, cardboard?
St:
RM: Yeah. I heard that. Now, I see that Dennis Rodman is not here with you. Would you like to shed a little light on that?
St:
(Running Man positions his hand to look like a mouth, and he leans over and puts his hand in front of stubby's face. He starts talking with it)
Running Man as Stubby: He's not here right now. He's at the store.
RM: Thanks, Stubs. Talk GOD DAMMIT!!! (Slap) Say something!!!!
St:
RM: You know, I've got an entire entertainment center at home that needs to be put together. I'm down like you've never seen before, and you're pulling this shit.
(Knocks him out of his chair)
RM: I'm out of here. That concludes this interview. I'm down.
-----------------
PZ: Yet another peek into the trials and tribulations of one Stubby. How in the hell does that vegetable have a belt? We'll have to take care of that at the next PPV. Let's get down to the ring for our final match of the evening. It pits "Ratgirl" Diane Kronson against Harlowe T. Quimby. The winner gets a fifty dollar gift certificate to Wal Mart! Ratgirl has already expressed interest in the gift certificate, and you know Harlowe's ass needs a new coat. I hear "All You Can Eat" by the Fat Boys in the background, so let's get this party started.
TB: For the Shit 38 in attendance tonight Ass, and the tens watching at Bastard home on TV, Ladies and Cock Gentlemen...Let's get ready to Fuck rumbllllleeeeee!!! *Twitch* Coming to the ring, the princess of incest, Bitch The Chief of Roast Beef, Monkey Dick The Salami Mommy, *Falls Down* Ratgirl, Diane Kronson!!!
(She gets up into the ring. She flips off the crowd)
PZ: This crowd seems to hate this woman after she has killed two major Jobbers in the WRW.
TB: Her Fuck opponent, coming to the Whore Whore ring with this Shit man with a whole bunch of donuts SLUT SLUT SLUT, Harlowe T. Quimby!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Twitch*
Ref: I wanna see a clean match, you guys.
DK: Cum on, refff, yoo wanna git with thiss? I amm fly as cann bee.
Ref: (Runs to the ropes and leans over the middle rope)
PZ: Well, the ref's mouth is full, and he's gesturing for something. (Grabs Bucket used for trash) this what you want, ref?
Ref: (Nods)
(paul Z. throws him the bucket and he fills it immediately. He gets back in the ring and calls for the bell)
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Harlowe wants a collar and elbow tie up with this big behemoth. Look out. She just tosses Harlowe back into the corner and follows in with a splash. That's gonna be it. Here's the pin...
-----1
-----2
-----2½
PZ: Big kick out. I thought he was done, but he's got some left. Here comes that fat bitch again. Flying forearm!! Harlowe's down again. Big hamhock legdrop!!! She covers..
-----1
PZ: Kick out easily. Wow, I thought for sure he was done, there. He's back to his feet. She runs full speed at the ropes and hits them. The ring just shifted about five feet!!! She knocked Harlowe down with it. She goes for a splash and misses!!! Harlowe is up, but so is DK. He runs at her full speed and she sideslithers. He goes flying into the first row!!! Now Kronson follows him to the floor, but she's concerned with the guy with the donuts. He's throwing the donuts at her, and she's catching them like popcorn. He's all out of donuts now. He's running back to the dressing room and KrocoKronson is wiping the powder from her chins. Harlowe comes up behind her, and hits FAMILY VALUES on the Cement!!! That is his finisher. All he's gotta do is get her in the ring and it's over. He can't pick her up!!! He's waving to the dressing room for help. Here comes Man With Wheelbarrow with DMNW!!!?! How is a corpse going to help? They are using his stiff ass corpse as a lever!!! They're doing the old See Saw trick on DK, and up she goes!!! They roll her off of DMNW and into the ring. He climbs into the ring and rolls the jello mold over. The pin
-----1
-----2
-----2¾
PZ: Oh my god she kicked out!!! I think that may have been her last meal trying to escape that pushed Harlowe off, but nevertheless this match is still going on. They are both up and Kronson is wobbly. What else is new. She is in the corner, and she whips Harlowe to the opposite corner. She follows in with a big ass splash. Harlowe moves!!! He goes for FAMILY VALUES!! She reverses it into the Cookie Cutter!!!!!! There's another pin!!!
-----1
-----2
-----2.99999999999999999999999999999
PZ: Holy shit, what a match!!!! What is going on? Running Man is in the ring, and he's polishing one of the top turnbuckles??? Oh well, whatever. He's gone again. He must be down. Diane Kronson just hit Harlowe with a power bomb and followed up with a knee drop to the head. She's climbing to the top rope!!! This could be the Kabash!!! Yes!! She connects!!!! The whole arena shook like crazy!!! Count him out, ref!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: Yes, that's it. Here is your winner, Ratgirl Diane Kronson. That boy needs medical attention. That was one of the most horrifying moves I have ever seen. She's posing like the obese freak that she is in the ring, once again flipping off the crowd. God, her middle finger looks like a drumstick from KFC. There's some commotion up in the rafters...is it Dead Man Not Walking????
(Something falls from the ceiling of the arena. It appears to be a Dorito. Diane Kronson holds it high and eats it)
PZ: Oh, this is horrible. Why does she continue to do this? This is just terrible. There's more noise in the ceiling now. It's getting louder. Oh my god!! It's a deluge of Doritos!!! It's like Niagara Falls, except with Doritos!!!!!! Fatgirl is covered in them, and there's more pouring down. Now the fans are throwing Doritos into the ring. This is the revenge that snack food needed to give to that woman. Payback is a bitch, Kronson. You just got paid in full. This is insane........I'm told by the producers that we're out of time. I'm "Cerebral" Paul Z. for the rest of the WRW chimpanzees, saying see you on Saturday!!!
(Scene ends with the mountain of Doritos on top of the unseen body of Diane Kronson. The fans are going bonkers inside the arena. That fades out to the WRW logo, which then fades to a picture of Diane Kronson's back hump with "Humpday Hijinx" written over it. That fades out to black.)
==================================
Copyright ©1999 PaulZAss productions. No Rights Reserved.
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