SHOTGUN<br>February 13,1999
The WRW's Weekend Event
Shooting rumps on saturday, or something like that.
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
I was valedictorian of my senior class.
I had a full scholarship to college.
I think about the special ed kids, and I laugh.
Who's laughing now?
_______
WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
Somebody Please Get A SHOTGUN And Shoot These Rumps On SATURDAY NIGHT
February 13th, 1999
This event is rated "R" because Rumps and Retards Rock my Rectal Recesses
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(Show opens with a picture of a bathroom stall. Feet are visible under the stall. The crowd of seventy crammed into the LittleAss Arena in Buffalo, New York cheer as they recognize those feet and sounds as that of the World Heavyweight Champion of the WRW. FHB comes out of the stall next to Squirts, following a nice long pee, with the World Loserweight Title belt over his right shoulder. He walks out while saying "Sumbuddy lite a mach in heer." The camera then slowly goes to the end handicapped stall, where Deaf, Blind, Paralyzed, Mouth Sewn Shut, Parapalegic Man sits on his wheelchair. He does not know where he is or how he got there. Suspicions point to the newly estranged Dennis Rodman, who Stubby believes he does not need anymore. The new WRW Vice President is trying to push his way into the stall to get an interview with Stubby, with no luck. The camera in the arena itself then pans across the more than capacity crowd on hand for tonight's event. They go crazy. The "DMNW 3:16" sign, held up by a youngster, is the final shot of the crowd as the camera cuts to the Commish of the WRW, "Cerebral" Paul Z.)
PZ: Well folks, welcome to another fantastic edition of SHOTGUN, and let me tell you about the horrors of last week's PayPerView. Last time I saw you, I had just commentated a match that took place entirely in a boiler room filled with feces. We crowned two new champions, and we're gonna crown two more here tonight, as the World Fag Team Titles are on the line in this arena. Harlowe T. Quimby has been forced into the ring to put up his Orange Windbreaker against Billy Ray Leprous. If that wasn't enough, Grandpa Muenster is going to be the special guest referee in that one. It should be wild, considering the history between Leprous and Muenster. Let's welcome, now, my new colleague. and the NEW Vice President of the WRW, Ladies and Gentlemen Mike "Hoosier Daddy" Forti!!!
MF: Hi, Paul. It's certainly a pleasure to be here, and an honor for you to have accepted my application as the one that would fill the VP position for your company.
PZ: Yeah, right. Yours was the only application we got, except for that bum over on Skillen Ave. It was close, but you are the new VP. What are your thoughts on the event tonight?
MF: Well, Paul, I'm looking forward to the third and final battle between that ugly beast Ratgirl, and her arch nemesis and secret lover, snack food. That should be a classic.
PZ: I hope so, but now we're gonna go down to the ring for our opening contest...welcome back Tourette's Boy.
TB: Thanks Paul. Our first contest tonight is scheduled for one fall, and has a thirty minute time limit. This bout is for possession of Harlowe T. Quimby's prized orange windbreaker.
("Loser In The End" By Queen plays in the background, as Harlowe T. Quimby makes his way to the ring slowly, waving to fans. Camera closes in on a fan who has on a windbreaker of his own, with the hood pulled tight around his head like Kenny.)
TB: Now making his way to the ring, weighing in at one hundred and sixty pounds, HARLOWE T. QUIMBY!!!!!!
(The Queen song is quickly replaced by "Achy Breaky Limbs", as the most hardcore athlete in the WRW throws his arms in the air, and waves them like he just don't care.)
TB: His opponent, from Knoxville, KY, the one, the only...BILLY RAY LEPROUS!!!!!
MF: Isn't that the announcer you told me swears all the time and passed out last week?
PZ: Yeah, man, I don't know what is going on with him. I'll find out later.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: This contest is underway, and Leprous is going in for some offense right away. Grandpa Muenster is in there watching the action. Leprous is pounding on Harlowe. All of Billy Ray's appendages are still attached, and he's still winning this match! This is incredible. Here he comes with a clothesline from the ropes...and connects. Harlowe is down! Leprous pops his left arm off, and he's beating Quimby with it!!! Now Muenster steps in and takes the arm away!!!!
MF: Jesus, this is crazy.
PZ: Yes it is, and don't call me Jesus.
MF: Sorry. S'alright?
PZ: S'alright. Grandpa Muenster threw Leprous' arm to event security, and now he is short one limb. I don't understand that was his own body part. He should be able to use it, you know.
MF: My sentiments exactly.
PZ: Hey!! Running Man!! What's up, buddy?
RM: Nothin'.
PZ: Remember how I told you that when I got a Vice President, you were gonna get fired?
RM: Yeah?
PZ: Say hello to the new WRW Vice President, Mike "Hoosier Daddy" Forti.
RM: Ha. Who's your daddy. Ha.
PZ: This means that you've come to the end of the road, as some would say, of your WRW career, runner. See you on the other side, man. I cleaned out your locker for ya. Your stuff is sacked up in a big handkerchief like those old hobos in the movies. Peace in the middle east, bra.
RM: OK. Thanks Paul...see you later. Call me.
PZ: All right, back to the action. It seems that Leprous and Muenster are engaging in some sort of shoving match. Muenster no doubt has the advantage here, since he still has both arms.
(Running Man walks back to the broadcast location. He hands Paul Z. something.)
RM: I want you to *sob* have this, Paul. It's a dorito I took from the ring when all those Doritos *whimper* fell on Ratgirl. It's not *sob* much, but it's all I got. I owe it to you, man.
PZ: Oh, man, you don't have to do this.
RM: No, I want you to keep it.
PZ: Well thank you, Dave. If you get down to the unemployment office by eight, they'll hook you up with some funds. Later, man.
RM: Bye.
PZ: Wow. Do you think I should have told him I was only kidding?
MF: Naw, this is too funny. In the ring, Quimby has returned to his feet, and he's giving it to Leprous. No doubt thanks to some underhanded goings on by Gramps.
PZ: Of course. I knew that old coot would shake things up. Now Quimby with a bulldog out of the corner, and takes Leprous down. There's a cover...
-----1
-----Kick out.
PZ: Now Harlowe is picking Billy Ray back up, and hoists Leprous over his head!! He drives him hard into the canvas!! What a body slam. He hits the ropes, and comes back with a monster splash. He's picking him up. He waves his arms to tell the crowd he's going for his move, Family Values. Here it comes, and NO Leprous' other arm came off!!!! He squirms out of the hold, and hits a hurracarana!!! A PIN!!!
-----1
-----2
-----Kick out...
PZ: Wow, I thought he had him. Harlowe is back to his feet, and Billy Ray is just kicking him in the thighs now that he has no arms. Leprous is quick, and now armless I'm sure his weight is down to Loserweight division standards, but I don't know if he can beat a man who has arms. He goes for a dropkick, and connects, driving Harlowe back into the corner. He tries an avalanche, but Harlowe moves. With no arms to block himself, he goes head first into the buckle. Leprous stumbles backwards into THE FAMILY VALUES!!!!! This should be it. The cover...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: Yes, that's gonna be it. Wait, Grandpa Muenster is waving his arms and saying "Two Count Only!" Leprous' arm that came off earlier was in the ropes!!!!! What the hell is going on here?!? Harlowe Quimby already has the windbreaker out and he's putting it on!! Leprous is trying to get up, but he is in bad shape. He KICKS QUIMBY IN THE BALLSACK!!!! A cover!!!
-----1
-----2
-----2.9999
PZ: Holy crap how did he kick out of that move?
MF: I don't know, Paul. He kicked him right in the old family jewels.
PZ: Harlowe is hurting, and Billy Ray is climbing the ropes. He comes off with a legdrop from the top!! He covers again...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: It's over, and Billy Ray Leprous has defeated Harlowe Quimby.
(Leprous sees a mike on the ground in the ring. He lays down next to it and speaks)
BRL: I don't want this ugly ass windbreaker. You can keep it. I'm outta here. Somebody give me my arms back!
PZ: A great opening match, and up next is our Diane Kronson vs. Snack Food grudge match. So Mr. Forti, you've become an expert on this Ratgirl character, haven't you?
MF: No.
PZ: Just like I thought. Well, they're playing "All You Can Eat" by the Fat Boys, so we need to go down to Tourette's Boy for the word on this one.
TB: This match is scheduled for one fall, with a twenty minute television time limit. This is the longest running grudge in WRW today. Introducing first, from Buffalo, New York
Crowd: Yay
TB: The one, the only, "Ratgirl" Diane Kronson!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Ratgirl grabs the mike)
DK: Tonight, I make my final example to the rest of you freaks here in WRW. Snack Food must pay.
MF: Damn.
PZ: Yeah, I know.
TB: And now being led to the ring by WRW event staff, MYSTERY SNACK FOOD IN A DORITOS BAG!!!!!
(Mark "The Skoot" Grinsell brings the snack food to the ring and tosses it in. Krocokronson gives it the look of love as she plans her attack.)
(Ding Ding)
MF: Here we go with this match. I can't see this match lasting that long, seeing as how one of the competitors is a fat hungry bitch, and the other is food.
PZ: My point exactly, but there is someone coming down the isle.
MF: I can't tell who it is. Can you see who it is, Paul?
PZ: No, but from the crowd's reaction, it must be Anna Rexia!
MF: How can you tell?
PZ: They're throwing grapes and shit at her.
MF: Oh, OK.
PZ: She's got the mike, let's listen in...
AR: Listen, Diane, sister in fathood. We have to stop this assault on Frito Lay products. You keep this up, and you will be as big as me. You need to stop eating like this.
DK: (just yelling, no mike) You're not fat!!!! I've shit bigger'n you!!
AR: (Look of horror crosses her face) You don't think I'm fat?! Just look at these hips, you skinny freak.
DK: You have no hips!! Turn sideways for a second. Just what I though. You disappeared. I don't understand what you're complaining about.
AR: You just wait. I'll show you who's fat.
DK: You ain't fat, you ain't nothin'!! You AIN'T NOTHIN'!!!!!!
(Anna Rexia notices that while she was talking, she may have inhaled and swallowed some bacteria from the air. She has to go throw up so she runs to the back.)
PZ: Well, Kronson has her back to the snack food, and it hits her with the sunset flip!!! The pin......
MF: Come on, man, you did that last week lying to the viewers.
PZ: They can't see what's going on. Just having a little fun. It's like the old baseball radio announcers. They used to bang two sticks together when a guy would get a hit so the viewers felt like they were there.
MF: Oh all right (bangs to sticks together) Wow, what a smack by snack food.
PZ: You've got a lot to learn, man. Kronson picks up the snack food. She tears open the top of the bag and holds it high over her head like the Sandman holding up a beer. She's pouring the chips into her mouth. I can't even watch this. I've already seen this twice, and it gets more horrifying every time.
MF: This young lady shows no remorse for eating fellow WRW competitors.
PZ: Yes, sir, and here goes another. She's pouring the chips down into her mouth and chowing down. This is too much for me to handle. I'm going to be sick. Mike, take over.
MF: Alright. Well, Paul has gone to the back, and Kronson has stopped eating the chips. She's got an odd look on her face. Is she choking? No, she just burped. What the hell is going on. She is wobbly, and SHE IS DOWN!!!!! The bag lands on her. The Pin???
-----1
-----2
-----3
MF: Yes!!!!! Diane Kronson's reign as queen of the snack food is over!!! I need to know what happened.
(He goes down to the ring area, where event staff is tending to the beached whale Diane Kronson. He looks in to the ring, where some of the snack food remnants in the bottom of the bag have snuck out onto the canvas.)
MF: OH MY GOD IT'S FUNYONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Paul Z. comes back)
PZ: OH MY GOD IT'S FUNYONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Killer has been defeated by some cleverly disguised Funyons!!! Take her away, boys. What a sacrifice taken by that bag of Funyons. It sacrificed his own life for the good of the nation. You go, Funyons.
MF: It's almost time for our big Fag Team Title match. Why don't I go to the back and get some words from some of the competitors while they're rolling the carnage from the ring.
(He walks to the back and looks for someone to talk to. He spots his first victim laying in a wheelbarrow.)
MF: Well, we are here with none other than WRW icon Dead Man Not Walking. So DM, how does it feel to be going for the WRW Fag Titles tonight? You could make history tonight.
DMNW: (just laying there limp)
MF: Sometimes silence speaks volumes. I hear ya, DM. Here's the franchise and World Loserweight Champion, Fire Hydrant Boy! Let's have a word with him. FHB, may we speak with you.
FHB: If thiss is aboutt the offair with Chellseee Clintin, I dont no wat yore tawking aboutt.
MF: No, I just want your thoughts on tonights Fag Match. Will the jobbers outside the ring get involved do you think?
FHB: Theyd bettur not. If thay no wats good fore them.
MF: I see you've upgraded your wardrobe since winning the loserweight strap. Any comments on that?
FHB: The man with the golde gits hookt up. I gott more munny then I no wat too doo with. Its Mickee Dees all week, babey.
MF: I hear your music, man. You'd better get going.
FHB: Ime on my wway.
(The Hoosier Daddy goes back to the broadcast location)
PZ: That was good work, man. You should do that all the time.
MF: Thanks.
PZ: All the athletes are coming down to the ring, so I'll run down the vitals for this one. FHB and Oingo Boingo vs. Dead Man Not Walking and Brownie The Killer Koosa vs. Anna Rexia and The Epileptic Warrior vs. aixelsyD and Levar Burton. I can't believe Levar Burton is here in our ring tonight. I don't even know if that's legal. Oh well, we need the star power. Levar Burton is helping everybody up the stairs into the ring! He must have a soft spot for retards like these.
(Ding Ding)
MF: Spanky McGillicutty has gotten this match underway, and we are off and running in the first Fag Team Title match in WRW history. There's four people in the ring, one from each team. aixelsyD has FHB backed up in the corner, and Anna Rexia hits the Bulimic Return on Koosa!!!!!!!! She has a cover!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: Yes, mere seconds into this contest we have our first member eliminated. Koosa is gone, bring in DMNW!!! Anna tags out to the Epileptic Warrior so she can wipe her mouth with her 100% cellulose napkins. Completely undigestible napkins mean if you get a little bit of it in your mouth somehow, it'll just come out the other end. Available at the WRW gift shop. The Warrior is awestruck at DMNW. He is one of the Warrior's heroes. The Warrior shakes DMNW's hand, but DMNW goes through Rigor Mortis again, and he stiffens up. He sends Warrior into the buckle. He's not happy. He turns with a legdrop on DMNW and slides his carcass under the bottom rope out of the ring. The Jobbers are beating DMNW's ass. That Jobber traitor! There's three people in the ring, it's Warrior, FHB and aixelsyD. FHB dropkicks Levar Burton on the ring apron, and he falls to the floor. Warrior locks up with aixelsyD. Burton is back up, and he's trying to grab FHB, but he can't reach him. aixelsyD backs Warrior into the corner and puts him on the top turnbuckle. The Ref is ringing the bell? For what? Oh, I didn't even notice. They've counted DMNW out of the ring!!! We've got three teams left in this match. aixelsyD tags in Levar Burton, and he steps through the ropes. He sits down in the corner, refusing to beat up these mentally challenged athletes. Warrior and FHB tie it up in the middle of the ring. FHB hits a knee to the stomach, and a kick to the head!! Wow.
MF: Dude, can I talk?
PZ: Yeah, man, go ahead.
MF: Warrior is down, and FHB is taking advantage of it.
PZ: OH!! Levar Burton just about took FHB's head off with a clothesline!! Now we've got a match. Warrior is reaching for the tag. He can't quite get it yet. Levar Burton hits a power bomb on FHB!! He's got a pin!
-----1
-----2
-----Nope
PZ: It's gonna take more than that to hold down the World Loserweight Champion. Burton picks up FHB, while the tag is made from Warrior to Rexia!! Anna's a house of fire as she comes in with a kick to Burton's kneecap. He drops to a knee in pain as she pushes him down on his back. FHB tags in Oingo Boingo the Three Armed Boy!!! He hits Anna with a triple clothesline!!! Unprecedented!!!
MF: Damn.
PZ: This is WRW action at its best. The crowd loves it. Now he's posing like Hulk Hogan with all three arms. Look at that freak!!! OH MY GOD Levar Burton just kicked him right in the nards from behind. Hope he doesn't have three nuts! He's tagged out to FHB, and Levar is immediately on top of him. Anna tags out to the Warrior. Dr. Ben Dover is now ringside with that strobe light, and he's pointing it at the ring!!! Warrior is flipping out. He tumbles out to the floor. He's swinging at fans and everybody. He hits Dr. Dover!! He's whacking Jobbers left and right!! He's spazzing out, and Levar Burton goes to see if the young man is alright. There are no conscious Jobbers left. He grabs him in a bear hug to stop his flailing, but to no avail. Burton is just about killed by a blow to the head. Warrior is absolutely going crazy!!
(Ding Ding)
MF: Damn, it looks like the ref has counted out both Levar Burton and The Epileptic Warrior!!!
PZ: And now it's FHB and Oingo Boingo against Anna Rexia, and aixelsyD is also left. FHB is in the ring along with Anna and aixelsyD. Anna and aixelsyD are teaming up on FHB now. They corner him and attack. They are beating his ass. Both people make the cover...
-----1
-----only a one count.
PZ: FHB snuck out of that one. FHB tags to Oingo, and it's a whole new ball game now. He kicks aixelsyD out to the floor. Now Anna comes at him, and he ducks her headbutt attempt. He puts her in the More Than Full Nelson!! He's gonna break her in half!! aixelsyD gets back in and rolls up both of them. A pin...
-----1
-----2
-----Shoulder up.
PZ: Wow, both Anna and Oingo got a shoulder up just before the three count.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: What the hell? What now?
Ref: Oingo got a shoulder up, but he still had two down. He's out.
MF: A strange turn of events, and we have three retards left.
PZ: Anna goes right after FHB as he comes into the ring. BULIMIC RETURN!!! FHB ducked, and it hit aixelsyD!!! Anna with a cover!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: He's gone!!
MF: And then there were two. One person will walk away with the Fag belts for his or her team. This is what it's all about.
PZ: Now you're getting the hang of this, Mike. Talk about the action like it's serious, even though it isn't. Anna turns around and faces the Loserweight Champion and Franchise of WRW. She charges, but is met with a boot to the face. She is staggered and FHB shoves her to the floor. The referee is counting. Grandpa Muenster is messing her up pretty bad.
Ref: 6
7
8
9
PZ: This could be it if he gets to ten. FHB breaks the count. He knows that the match shouldn't end like this.
FHB: Get in here you fat hog!
PZ: Wow, that did the trick. She just about killed all those Jobbers out there. She's back in, and she's pissed. She scoop slams FHB and climbs to the top rope. Big Splash!!! Pin!!
-----1
-----2
-----S
ike.
PZ: FHB kicks out at two. She's lining him up and BULIMIC RETURN!!! He ducked out of the way, and Grandpa Muenster tripped her up from the outside!!! She's getting up slowly. FHB measures her...BIG SACK KICK!!!!! FHB is down, and Anna is still standing!!! BULIMIC RETURN!!!! SHE HIT IT!!!!! A PIN!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: It's over!! Here are your winners, and NEW FAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!!! ANNA REXIA AND THE EPILEPTIC WARRIOR!!!!!!!
MF: Wow, that was awesome. Before you go for the Sack Kick, you have to make sure you're fighting a dude.
PZ: Yeah, or at least a chick with some meat on her. That sound of his shin hitting her pelvis just sounded nasty. I would wage that his leg is gonna be severely damaged. The crowd and the new champs are going stark raving crazy. What an event.
MF: Haha. Anna just tried to put the belt on and it just dropped to the ground.
PZ: Yep. We'll see you at Shotgun next week. That's the last time I'm ever going to have a lumberjack match. There were more countouts in that match than I've ever seen before.
MF: I can't wait till SHOTGUN next week, now. This was a lot of fun. Thanks Paul.
PZ: For Tourette's Boy, Running Man, and the Hoosier Daddy, this is the Cerebral One, saying have a good weekend. See you next week.
(Scene fades from them to a slow motion locker room sequence from earlier in the night. Slowly rolling into the background is Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On". The Running Man is cleaning out what's left in his locker. His pictures of Paul Z. all taped up on the locker door. · Every night in my dreams...I see you...I feel you · His autographed microphone from Tourette's Boy. The first shirt Spanky McGillicutty ever wore in a WRW ring. He bundles it up in a big handkerchief tied to a big stick and slings it over his shoulder. · Near...Far....Wherever you are · He takes one look back into the arena as he steps out the door. The song plays as he walks down the road away from the arena. · You're here...There's NOTHING I fear...You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on and on · He disappears in the distance as the song ends and the scene fades to black.)
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