SHOTGUN<br>February 13,1999
The WRW's Weekend Event
Shooting rumps on saturday, or something like that.
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
Wrestling league for sale.
Low Mileage.
Runs bad. 0-60 Never.
Fixer upper. Contact "Cerebral" Paul Z.
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WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
SHOTGUN SATURDAY NIGHT February 20, 1999
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(Scene opens in the broadcast booth. Running man is in tears, and Paul Z. is trying to apologize for the scam he put on last weekend. Mike "Hoosier Daddy" Forti is sitting by, just listening to the goings on with a smile on his face. They have on the ending from last week's show on one of the monitors in the booth. Celine Dion is heard singing her smash hit number one song "My Heart Will Go On." The crowd is chanting "WRW WRW WRW" in the background, as "All You Can Eat" by the Fat Boys starts to play in the arena.)
PZ: Welcome, freaks. We are live here in downtown Buffalo New York, where tonight we will see the first ever Rebel Without A Cause Golf Cart Chicky Run of Death Match. Both combatants will hurtle toward a cliff at supersonic golf cart speeds, until the men jump from their cars, letting the cars to tumble off of the cliff. The man who is closest to the edge of the cliff when they hit the ground wins.
RM: Not even gonna announce the match, huh, Paul?
PZ: Right. There's Diane Kronson. Anyway, then we have an unprecedented McDonaldLand Jungle Gym Mayor McCheese Slide to Victory Match.
RM: Robble Robble.
PZ: That's the spirit, runner. Then we have the top contenders match, as Diane Kronson takes on The Dwarf.
RM: Then, it's the Cardboard Belt on the line as Stubb Boy takes on number one contender aixelsyD.
PZ: Yes, Dave, it should be a great one. Krocokronson is already in the ring, so why don't we announce Snow White and the Dwarf.
TB: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to another great night of wrestling action here in the WRW LittleAss Arena. I'm your announcer Tourette's Boy, and I will be your guide through tonight's festivities. This match is scheduled for one fall, with a ten minute time limit. Already in the ring, from the streets of Buffalo, New York...
Crowd: Yay.
TB: "Ratgirl" Diane Kronson!!!!!!!!!!!!
RM: Why doesn't this fucker swear anymore?
PZ: He's undergoing treatment for his condition and it seems to be working.
(Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho starts to play over the loudspeakers)
TB: And now, led to the ring by the lovely Snow White, THE DWARF!!!!!!
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Kick Ass another wonderful edition of Shotgun underway. Damn, Kronson is just too big for this little guy. She's tossing him to one turnbuckle, going to get him, then tossing him back to the other one. This is just carnage.
RM: Why doesn't Dwarf just stick to the Loserweight Division? It's hard for a forty five pound competitor to succeed in the heavyweight division.
PZ: Well said, runner. Hey, Forti, why aren't you talking?
MF: You said if I ever have more entries than you on the quote board again I'd be looking for work.
PZ: It was a joke, kind of. I joked with Dave, here.
MF: OK, so The Dwarf is on the ground and Kronson is moving in for the kill. It's kind of like "When animals attack."
PZ: God dammit, just commentate the match. Kronson hits a legdrop...
-----1
-----2
-----Kick out
PZ: He just escaped that pin. She's got him right back up again. She picks him up and drops him with a gorilla press slam.
RM: And when you say gorilla...you ain't kidding.
PZ: Now she's dumped him out to the floor. She's going after him.
RM: What's that? Somebody's coming to the ring.
PZ: Right you are, and it's some goofball fan. He's got a mike!!
Goofball: He's COMING!!!
PZ: WHO???!!?
Goofball: I don't know, HE's coming.
RM: Oh, I get it.
PZ: I don't.
(Goofball fan leaves)
PZ: Oh well, that was messed up. Nobody's coming without my permission, and I run things around here. If somebody's coming, they gotta go through me first.
RM: Kronson rolls the Dwarf back into the ring. She hits a monster running splash off of the ropes. Here's the pin...
-----1
-----2
-----Sike
MF: Damn, that man will never touch Snow White again when this chick is done with him.
RM: Yeah, but he just keeps coming!
MF: Ha.
PZ: Dammit you two, there's action going on in the ring. Kronson whips the Dwarf into the corner and follows with an avalanche. He's a broken man. He collapses to the canvas, and Ratgirl climbs the turnbuckle!! The Kabash is coming!! She leaps and misses!! SHE GOES THROUGH THE RING!!!! The ring is destroyed!!!! There is no movement at all from her!!
(Ding Ding)
PZ: What happened? Did she get counted out?
MF: Yeah, or counted under.
RM: What the hell? Oh wait. The time limit ran out.
PZ: FUCK that's why I hate time limits. I'm gonna abolish that shit in WRW one of these days. Now what are we gonna do? We have more matches, and the ring is wrecked.
RM: Only one of them was going to be in the ring. The others are somewhere else. We can do this.
PZ: Alright, I'll go see what I can do, and the Running Man and Mike Forti will commentate the next match. This match is from Mickey D's over on the east side of Buffalo.
RM: Word. Here is the McDonald's jungle gym, where Fly Girl and her manager, Pigeon Foot, will do battle for a PigPen collector's card from the Charlie Brown series.
MF: That is correct, and the first one that slides down the Mayor McCheese slide wins the match, and the card. They are both positioned ready in the restroom. There's the bell...
(Gong Gong Would You Like Fries With That)
MF: And they're off. It looks like Fly Girl has the upper hand as she's got a lot more speed than Pigeon Foot.
RM: Oh man, this is a travesty to the word 'running.' They need somebody to show them how to run.
MF: Certainly. Ohhhh, but a Whopper under the foot of Fly Girl will slow her down. Nice throw, Pigeon.
Cashier #1: That was a Big Mac, sir. Whoppers are at BK.
MF: I don't really give a shit, minimum wage beeeatch. Pigeon foot has caught up and passed Fly Girl now, and she's entered the Playground room. Fly Girl busts her in the head with a pickle!! Pigeon foot is down!!! Fly Girl is making a run for...THE ROCKING HORSE!!!! She's going buck wild on that horse!!
RM: I thought this was a wrestling match.
MF: It was, and now it's a trip to the jungle gym for people that weren't loved enough as children. Pigeon is climbing the stairs into the jungle gym. Fly Girl sees this and is in hot pursuit. She's taking the opposite route....The POLE!!! She's climbing up that metal pole to get into the jungle gym. Once inside, it's hard to find the Mayor McCheese slide. They're both in there, and they're looking all around. They are running through the gym.
RM: Running. Please. That's not running.
MF: Now they've run into each other at the top of a slide!! They are fighting as they roll down the slide!!!! They both rolled down at the same time!! They tumble into the ball pit!! It wasn't the Mayor McCheese slide!! Pigeon foot dunks Fly Girl in the balls.
RM: Whoa!
MF: Now she's beating her ass by whipping balls at her! Fly Girl is having problems. Pigeon leaves her for dead as she climbs the ladder back into the gym. FLy Girl just wants revenge, now. She doesn't care about the PigPen collector's card anymore. She's out for blood. Fly Girl follows Pigeon Foot all around the Jungle Gym, around the big steering wheel, and over to the bench on the side.
Fly Girl: Where'd she go?
MF: It seems that Pigeon Foot has lost Fly Girl!! Fly Girl is running trying to find Pigeon. Pigeon is running to avoid Fly Girl. CRASH They meet in the middle of the suspension bridge!!!! FLy Girl is up, but Pigeon is in bad shape. Fly Girl powerbombs Pigeon off of the suspension bridge to the floor!!!! Holy crap!! She's spotted Mayor McCheese!!!
RM: Oh Damn!!
MF: She slides down out of his mouth!!
(Ding Ding Service Please)
MF: Fly Girl has won!!!! She has the PigPen card, and she's standing over the carcass of Pigeon Foot. SHE'S TEARING UP THE CARD!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
Fly Girl: I didn't want that card anyway.
MF: Now the truth comes out!! Pigeon Girl may need medical attention. We will...
(The Hoosier Daddy gets cut off by a frantic Paul Z.)
PZ: Guys, I've fixed everything, but we've got some horrible, horrible news over at the Rebel Without A Cause match between CarpetBurn and Crash Test Charlie!!!!!
MF: What happened? That's supposed to be the last match of the night, right?
PZ: It was, but for some reason those freaks thought they were in the Atlantic time zone, so they had the match an hour earlier than they were supposed to. Let's run back the tape...
*********************
Flashback to "Rebel Without A Cause Golf Cart Chicky Run of Death Match"
*********************
Grandpa Muenster: Hello, and I'm your guest broadcaster for this strange match which is the most dangerous match of the millenium. I'm here with Mentally Challenged Wrestling's own announcer...Franken Boner. Hey, Frank.
Franken Boner: Hey, man. I've never seen a match like this in my life. This should be wild.
GM: Well, they're revving up those engines, and we're ready to get underway. Smack Daddy, who recently turned three years old, is dressed up in full Rebel Without A Cause regalia, including poodle skirt and ribbon in the hair. She's holding up her handkerchief.
Franken Boner: When that hits the ground, it's on.
GM: And it's up...up...up...
Franken Boner: Drop that shit dammit
GM: It's up...up...
Franken Boner: Dammit
GM: It's up...up....DOWN!!!
Franken Boner: And they're off!! They must be moving at about forty miles an hour toward that cliff. Charlie's a little ahead.
GM: CB better catch up, or the race gets stopped and he gets beaten like Rodney King for five minutes.
Franken Boner: Why's that?
GM: This is a chicky run. You're supposed to go fast as hell. If you don't keep up with your opponent, the race is suspended for five minutes while you get your ass beat. Them's the rules.
Franken Boner: Ah, I see. I'm not hip with your Hep-cat lingo, Daddy-o.
GM: Shut up. I was in my fifties in the fifties.
Franken Boner: Damn, you're an old coot. Cheese keeps ya strong, I guess.
GM: Well, CB has caught up, and he's running the same pace as Charlie. They're over halfway to the cliff edge, now. Damn, my palms are a little sweaty. This is nerveracking.
Franken Boner: It's nothing like having your own cereal named after you.
GM: Isn't that Franken Berry?
Franken Boner: Yeah, that fucker. I like to lie sometimes and say I'm him. It's funny.
GM: I think we'll never see you again, Franken Boner. You are severely disturbed.
Franken Boner: Well, your heavyweight champion shits a lot.
GM: And I care. Anyway, they are starting to close in on the edge of the cliff. They are kicking up dust and it's hard to see all that's going on down there.
Franken Boner: They're barrelling towards the edge. Now's about the time when they jump out. We have a commentator down there...who is it?
Mario: It's me...Mario. They've a jumped out of the cars. The cars are a going over the cliff. It looks like Carpet Burn is closer!!! Wait!! CarpetBurn is a caught on the car somehow!!! He's a going over the edge!!! A-NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Franken Boner: HE"S GONE OVER THE CLIFF!!!!!!!! OH NO. OH GOD NO.
GM: This is absolutely terrible.
(The body of CarpetBurn disappears into the blackness below, following right behind his car. A loud bang is heard as the golf carts hit some rocks. A small explosion lights up the night hundreds of feet below.)
GM: God, this is awful. CarpetBurn is gone. Did he win?
Franken Boner: Is that all you can think about? I'm going down there to see if he's OK.
GM: Yeah, good luck. We're gonna send this back to Paul at the arena. This is a horrible.
*********************
End of Flashback
*********************
PZ: I just heard the end of that a while ago. What a tragedy here in WRW.
MF: What are you talking about? He sucked.
PZ: Yes, but he brought us such events as the first ever Shit Match, and...well the shit match. I hated that anyway. Fuck him.
MF: Yessssss.
("Reading Rainbow" plays over the speakers. The fans start waving their arms back and forth in the air, almost as if they just don't care.)
PZ: This is going to be a match of the fan favorites, as aixelsyD faces Deaf, Blind, Paralyzed, Mouth Sewn Shut, Parapalegic Man. Here comes aixelsyD now, led to the ring by Levar Burton and Man With Wheelbarrow with Dead Man Not Walking. This is just one big crew of fan favorites.
MF: I have to agree.
("One" by Metallica bangs through the arena, as the crowd goes bananas for the man with the cardboard.)
PZ: Wow, the WRW fans have really taken to this freak. I guess you gotta pull for the underdog, and who's a bigger underdog than a vegetable with no arms or legs?
MF: Exactly. But this is no ordinary vegetable. He's always found a way to win. That's why he's got the cardboard.
(Event staff begins wheeling Stubbs down to the ring. He puts him up into the ring, and the crowd goes insane.)
PZ: What a main event this week. Look at Stubb Rock!!
MF: Yeah, he's all covered in red, white, and blue body paint. He's a patriotic little bastard, huh?
PZ: Yeah, he is. We've put a piece of plywood over the big KronsonHole in the ring. Hope it doesn't have any bearing on this match. Stubbo even has some kind of new contraption on the back of his wheelchair. What is that?
MF: I don't know.
(Ding Ding)
MF: Oh my god it's a giant bell on the back of his chair!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PZ: No, that was the ring bell. Dickhead.
MF: My fault. aixelsyD is ready. Look at him.
PZ: Yeah, he wants that belt.
MF: Damn, Almond Joys are good as fuck.
PZ: What?
MF: I'm just sitting here eating Almond Joys, and they're good as hell.
PZ: I know, but this is neither the time nor the place.
MF: OK whatever college boy.
PZ: Where'd Running Man go?
MF: Oh, he thought we were on Atlantic time just like those people at the golf cart thing. He was really an hour down. He took out of here like a bat out of hades.
PZ: Ha. That's funny. What the hell?
MF: In the ring, Stubby has sparks coming from the back of his chair? What the hell? WHOA!!!!
PZ: They're rocket engines on the back of his chair!!! The brake is released and he speeds toward aixelsyD!!!! He hits the plywood in the ring, and the FALL OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR SPLASH!!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: This is wrong. I can't allow people to use such things in a match.
(Paul Z. goes to the ring)
PZ: Hey, Stubby.
Stubbs: ............
PZ: You can't use shit like this in your matches. Else, we'd have people bringing blowtorches and shit to the ring and burning their opponents. The WRW has no choice but to disqualify you, and raise the hand of aixelsyD. Yes, you keep your precious belt....
aixelsyD: ?tahW
PZ: One more week. You'll face aixelsyD in a rematch. I make the stipulations. If you get DQ'd again, you lose the cardboard belt. I will make a match the likes of which no one has ever seen before. This will be where your belt is at stake. If you come to the ring and pull this crap again, with these engines or what have you, you're gonna be suspended. Maybe you should kiss Rodman's ass so you have a chance. Not only will you have to fight aixelsyD, but you will have to take part in the Champion of Champions Pinfall Battle Royal where all champions fight in the match. Should you get by aixelsyD, you will also fight the Champion of Champions match with no wheelchair. I presume you won't make it that far.
Stubby: .................
PZ: I give you the benefit of the doubt; I let you use your wheelchair to fight in, and you walk all over me like you got legs or something. I'll tell you what...the match next week, no wheelchair for you. I am gonna find a way to get you out of that contraption and make you fight on your own. You got a week to prepare. You'd better get in tip top condition. I don't know if you'll be hanging from a rope or what, but you'll be out of that chair.
MF: WOW! Blockbuster announcement here on Shotgun. Next week...aixelsyD vs. Stubbymania rematch for the Little Bus belt. Stubbs will not be in his chair!! Hey Paul, that was incredible.
PZ: Yeah, somebody's got to get off their ass around here.
MF: Well, another deceased WRW athlete here today. The numbers keep increasing. We are quickly becoming the most extreme fed on the internet.
PZ: Jesus, cuz a couple tards die. Actually, no tards, one freak, and three bags of chips. That's not exactly extreme.
MF: Shut up, man. You gotta learn to hype shit up. FOUR WRW ATHLETES DEAD!!! Oh The HUMANITY!!
PZ: Hey, that's my line. Anyway, this is Paul Z., for Running Man and The Hoosier Daddy, Grandpa Muenster, Franken Boner, ...am I forgetting somebody?...
Mario: It's me.....Mario!
PZ: Oh yeah, Mario. Somebody please buy my league. We'll see you next week, hopefully under new management.
(Scene fades into a commercial. It's Paul Z. dressed up real nice, trying to pander his league to potential buyers on the phone. He speaks of the great qualities of the league)
PZ: This league has had four casualties already. Now that's extreme. We also have a couple guys missing in action, presumed dead. We have a whole lot of pudding left over from our first ever event, too. Hello? Hello?
(Looks at camera)
PZ: We have a good league. I'm bankrupt because I've spent so much money making this league what it is. A quality product. Now I'm broke. Please buy my league. Please....buy....my ......league. Thank you.
(He puts his head down as the scene fades to black.)
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