SHOTGUN<br>January 23,1999
The WRW's Weekend Event
Shooting rumps on saturday, or something like that.
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
I hope you love Scooby Doo, because I do.
I hope you love Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, because I do.
I hope you love Space Ghost's Cartoon Planet, because I do.
I hope you love hoes, cuz we don't here at...
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WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
Champion of Champions
February 27th, 1999
This event is rated "N" for Nasty. Just wait and see.
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(Show opens with a camera in the bathroom. The camera drops beneath the stall door to show two recognizable WRW figures. One of them is sitting on a toilet with pants around ankles, groaning uncontrollably. The other is kneeling in front of the toilet, making a "wwhhhaarrrrfffff" sound. The crowd cheers as they are recognized as Anna Rexia and Squirts, two of the reigning champions. Both athletes go silent as they whip out their title belts and stick them behind their respective commodes. The camera cuts to the broadcast booth.)
Paul Z: What a great place to hide those belts, and what a great day for some fucked up retard wrestling action here in the LittleAss arena in downtown shithole Buffalo, New York. Yes, this evening we will see the first ever WRW champion of champions match, where each champion will hide their belt somewhere in the arena. When your belt is found, you are out. This continues until there is one man left at the end to be declared WRW's first ever champion of champions.
Running Man: Yeah. And we'll also be witnessing the debut of the legendary 102 and 0 years old pugilist, Oldberg. He's here to make a statement tonight. One thing's for sure, if he's down, he's gonna lose. He'd better get moving.
PZ: Yes, and from there, aixelsyD takes on Stubb Rock for the Little Bus Cardboard Belt in a rematch from last week.
RM: Plus, we have a very special announcement about the late CarpetBurn, who perished in a terrible accident last weekend during his Rebel Without A Cause match. Our condolences to the family of CB, especially to those two little rug burns he has at home. He will be missed.
PZ: So why don't we go down to the ring for our opening contest.
Tourette's Boy: Our first match is scheduled for one fall, and has a fifteen minute time limit.
(Event Staff member Mark "The Skoot" Grinsell brings Brownie the Killer Koosa down the entrance way and tosses him into the ring.)
TB: Now making his way to the ring, straight out of Fire Hydrant Boy's toy box, the jobber himself, Brownie the Killer Koosa!!!!
(Two old guys come out and hold smokebombs in their hands. They stand next to the ramp as a half naked old man uses his walker to walk down the ramp. "I Said I Loved You But I Lied" by Micheal Bolton plays in the background.)
RM: Is that his music?
TB: And his opponent...
(The old man has nearly made it past the curtain now.)
TB: From Miami Florida, in a retirement home, The Undefeated, Undisputed, Old Farttt!!!......... OLDBERG!!!!!
(The smokebombs have long since fizzled out, and Oldberg is trying to walk to the ring, but his body is just not cooperating. He has to stop every ten seconds for a new breath.)
PZ: What the hell? This is going to take forever. Hey Tourette's Boy!!
TB: Yeah?
PZ: Kick Koosa out of the ring and announce the Little Bus Belt match.
TB: Will do, sir.
(Kick)
TB: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and has NO TIME LIMIT.
("I Said I Loved You But I Lied" by Micheal Bolton plays over the loud speakers)
PZ: What in God's name???
RM: What happened to "I touch myself"?
(Lee "Slicin' and Dicin'" Bates of the Event Staff comes to the broadcast location.)
TB: Now coming to the ring, led by Levar Burton, and representing the Nation of Fornication, aixelsyD!!!
Lee Bates: OK. We have a problem. It seems somebody has either stolen or misplaced the theme music collection. All we could find was this CD single of Micheal Bolton.
RM: SHIT this is awful.
("I Said I Loved You But I Lied" by Micheal Bolton plays over the loud speakers)
TB: And his opponent, from the hospital, being carried by the tenth wonder of the world, Dennis Rodman, your current Little Bus Cardboard Belt Champion...Deaf, Blind, Paralyzed, Mouth Sewn Shut, Parapalegic FUCK Man!!!!!
RM: He swore!!!! I heard him!!!!
PZ: Wow, I heard it too. Maybe his meds are wearing off. Let's get this thing underway. Your referee is Jimmy Lexia.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Well, Runner, how do you think this match'll go with Stubby out of his chair?
RM: I don't know. It shouldn't last long, though.
PZ: Well aixelsyD is just staring at the limp carcass of Stubbs laying on the canvas. He rolls him over...The PIN!!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: No...Rodman grabbed the ref's arm before it hit three!!! He's sticking up for his man, Stubbomania is running wild.
RM: That's dumb. Rodman is the belt's protector. He goes with the champion no matter who has the belt.
PZ: Yes, unless he's developed a friendship with this young vegetable. Rodman has now pulled Stubb out of the ring and is carrying him. The ref is counting? I told him no countouts, that bastard. HEY REF!!
Ref: Yeah?
PZ: I said no countouts in this match!!
Ref: Oh don't worry, if he gets counted out, he loses the belt.
(Rodman turns around mad as hell. He chucks Stubby at the ref, knocking him down. The ref has a nosebleed. He passes out from the sight of blood)
PZ: The ref is out!! Rodman is getting into the ring!!!! He's got aixelsyD up in the air and...............chokeslam!!!!! Now Levar Burton is in the ring, and he tackles Rodman through the ropes. They are both outside the ring.
("I Said I Loved You But I Lied" by Micheal Bolton plays over the loud speakers)
PZ: Oh no, here comes Crash Test Charlie. What the hell does he have to do with this match? He's on the top rope...A Frogsplash on the VEGETABLE!!!!! Oh Good Lord!! He seems to have set his sights on Stubby's belt now...or maybe not??? He's pulling syD on top of Stubbs??!!!! The ref is still down. What action!! Charlie is running back to the dressing room!! He knocked down Oldberg who was almost to the ring!!!! This has become absolute insanity, and this crowd loves it!!
RM: You're not kidding. All hell is broken loose, and I think Charlie may be that new member of the Nation of Fornication that aixelsyD talked about. This is ridiculous.
PZ: Rodman just threw a can of something into the ring. What is that? It's PEPPER SPRAY!!! aixelsyD is up!! He's got up the human cannonball and he hits him with the REMEDIAL WRAP!!! This is it!! He rolls him over...onto the can of Pepper Spray!!!! It sprays on syD!!!!! syD is hooked on Stubby's trunks!! He rolls on his back!!!! The Ref is up!!! The count.....
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: NO!!!! Another close count, but syD rolled out!! He's holding his eyes. He is in horrible pain!! Levar Burton and Dennis Rodman have fought into the dressing room area. I sure hope Stubby wins, because I don't see Rodman and Burton getting along. aixelsyD is up to his feet. He's close to the...
RM: Oh, he stepped on the pepper spray and fell. He's knocked himself out!!!!
PZ: Yeah, but his arm is on top of Stubby!!!
RM: The ref counts!!!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Wow what a contest!!! We have a new Little Bus champion!!!
TB: Ladies and gentlemen. Here is your winner, and NEW *twitch* Little Bus Cardboard Belt Champion...aixelsyD!!!!!!!!!!
PZ: Wow, here comes Crash Test Charlie again!! He's celebrating with aixelsyD!!! This is the new member of the NOF!!!
(They leave with the cardboard belt.)
RM: What are they gonna do with the old champ? He's still in the ring, and no Rodman or anybody to help him.
PZ: I don't know, but Oldberg is finally getting into the ring. Somebody get that Koosa in there.
RM: Oldberg has his walker on Stubby. I think he's caught on his trunks like aixelsyD was.
PZ: Huh. There goes the walker, and down Oldberg goes!! Haha.
RM: Stubby has a roll up, and the ref counts!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: YES!!!!! Stubby pins OLDBERG!!!!
RM: That was not a match. I'm down and out.
PZ: Later, runner. That's OK cuz here comes the Hoosier Daddy. Hey, Mike.
MF: Hey man, what's up?
PZ: Nothing much. Stubby just pinned Oldberg.
MF: What? I didn't even know that was a match.
PZ: It isn't, it was just kind of funny, that's all. Koosa's in the ring, and now it's time to get this match started.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Well, Oldberg is up on his feet. He seems to be doing OK without his walker.
MF: ha. You spoke too soon.
PZ: Yep. Down he goes. He hit the mat hard. Koosa is up and going after Oldberg.
MF: No he's not. He's a stuffed animal, he's still just laying there.
PZ: I know. But Oldberg is getting up!
MF: Kick Ass.
PZ: Oldberg with a SPEAR knocks Koosa into the corner!!! He's giving him the "In My Days"!!!!! Koosa isn't phased!! He is the iceman of WRW. Now Oldberg's telling Koosa about how there were no cars when he was a kid, and you couldn't call your mommy all the time cuz there were no phones. He is saying that cave drawings were the only way they had to communicate when they went to the store uphill in the snow, both ways.
MF: Wow. And none of it is phasing Koosa at all.
PZ: Yeah, these punk ass stuffed animals today, I'll tell ya. Oldberg has Koosa in his clutches, now. He's picked him up into a suplex, and he's holding him there!!!
MF: This could be the dreaded JackHammer!
PZ: Oldberg is grabbing his chest!!! He drops the Koosa to the mat!!! He collapses on top of him. It's the PaceMaker!!!!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: Yes!!! This one is in the books, and Oldberg remains undefeated here in WRW! Somebody call 911, cuz I think Oldberg just had a heart attack.
MF: Yes, the heart attack is an imperitive part of the PaceMaker maneuver. You pick up your opponent to suplex position, have a coronary, drop him, and collapse on top of him. It's a breathtaking move.
PZ: Breathtaking is right. We've got the defibrilator paddles going on Oldberg right now. That'll give us time to go to our remote announcement with Grandpa Muenster regarding the late CarpetBurn.
****************
Grandpa Muenster: Yes, it is official, last weekend the body of CarpetBurn, a truly remarkable athlete here in the WRW, was found along side of some rocks at the base of this very cliff. Hundreds of feet above where I am standing right now is where the Rebel Without A Cause Golf Cart Chicky Run Match of Death took place just one week ago. It was a sad day for fans of the World of Retard Wrestling everywhere. Yet another tragedy hits our humble league. It seems that our federation has been plagued with death recently. First, the Rold Gold Pretzels. Then, those Doritos. After that, the Funyons. Now this. It is heartbreaking for all that are involved with this to even think about this young man. He had such a bright future ahead of him. He was being sought after for commercials by a stainproof carpeting firm. He had a supporting role in a major motion picture coming up. He had recently added a second child to his family. Now this great tragedy occurs. It is a sad, sad tale. Honestly, I don't know what else to say. Paul, I've received thousands of letters this week in the mail asking "Did CarpetBurn win the match?" I actually cannot believe that anyone would care whether he won the match or not. It sickens me. So did he win?
PZ: The rules are whoever gets closest to the cliff edge. These rules, however, are not set up like shuffleboard, where if your piece goes over the edge, you lose. I am announcing that the winner of the Rebel Without A Cause Golf Cart Chicky Run of Death Match is CarpetBurn. Thank you, Grandpa Muenster, for your field report. I understand we actually have some commotion down in the gift shop, so why don't we send a camera down there to pick up the action.
(Dwarf and Snow White are in the WRW giftshop in the lobby. The Dwarf sees a WRW tag team belt for sale. He starts bitching to Snow White)
Dwarf: Snow White, I want that belt now.
SW: Come on, honey, you know we don't have that kind of money.
D: I don't care I want a belt and I want it now.
SW: Come on, let's get out of here. We've got bigger fish to fry.
D: I'm not leaving until I get that belt.
Clerk: You know, sir, how this works is if you want something, you give me money, and in return, I give you the item you want. It's funny that way.
D: Don't patronize me, butthole. You had better give me that belt, or you're gonna suffer the Dwarf Drop.
Clerk: Whatever, shorty.
D: Snow White, put me up on the counter.
SW: I'm not putting shit on the counter. Let's just get out of here.
(They leave. The cameras are now back on the broadcast booth.)
PZ: Well, the Dwarf is in the house. I wonder if he's made a response to Harlowe Quimby's challenge yet. I hope so. That would be an excellent match. But right now, we need to go to the ring for our final match of the evening...our first ever Champion of Champions match.
("I Said I Loved You But I Lied" by Micheal Bolton plays over the loud speakers)
TB: Now making their way to the ring, the Tag Team Champions of the World, Anna Rexia and The Epileptic Warrior!!!!!!
("I Said I Loved You But I Lied" by Micheal Bolton plays over the loud speakers)
TB: Now coming to the ring, the World Loserweight Champion...FIRE HYDRANT BOY!!!!!
("I Said I Loved You But I Lied" by Micheal Bolton plays over the loud speakers)
TB: The fourth competitor in this match, the NEW Little Bus Cardboard Belt holder, aixelsyD!!!!!!
("I Said I Loved You But I Lied" by Micheal Bolton plays over the loud speakers)
TB: The fifth and final champion in this match, the WRW Heavyweight Champion of the World...SQUIRTS!!!!!!!!
PZ: Well, everybody is in the ring now, so let's get this party started.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: This match is underway, and now everybody has left the ring in search of title belts.
MF: It looks like Squirts and Anna are headed back to the bathroom and not looking for the belts.
PZ: That's strange, and FHB has locked himself in the janitor's closet by accident.
MF: Haha. That stupid bastard.
PZ: Hey, that's somebody's kid you're talking about. Back to the action, aixelsyD and Epileptic Warrior are patroling the arena, searching for a title belt.
MF: Check this out. Squirts and Anna have both reached behind the toilet and found each others' belt!!! Anna and Squirts are gone!!!!
PZ: aixelsyD just opened the door to the janitor's closet, and FHB is free again!
MF: (singing) Let My People Go!!
PZ: Yeah. Well FHB just tore off in that direction toward the lobby. Somebody get a camera down there. aixelsyD and twitchboy are still wandering around the arena, looking for what would be good hiding spots.
MF: We have a camera in the lobby, now. FHB is in the gift shop, and he's trying to buy that tag team belt!! He doesn't have enough money!!!!!
PZ: Oh God. I thought that that might be one of the tag team belts, but I was hoping it was all just a merchandising promotion. That really is the Warrior's belt. Son of a whore.
MF: That is just smart planning on the part of the Warrior. Of course, smart is not what this league is all about.
PZ: Regardless, we have some action going on. aixelsyD and the Warrior have gotten into a tussle of sorts in front of the vending machine down there. FHB is just standing there laughing. Haha.
MF: The Warrior has ripped aixelsyD's shirt open, now. He sees something...It's the Cardboard Belt!!! He's got it taped to his chest under his clothing.
PZ: That is absolutely against the rules! He knows that. aixelsyD has been eliminated. The belt may not be on your person. That is the second rule behind The Belt must not leave the arena. So now we're down to two men left. It's the franchise, Fire Hydrant Boy, going against the Epileptic Warrior.
MF: I think I realize what he's doing.
PZ: Who?
MF: Fire Hydrant Boy. He's bought one of those little flutaphone things from the gift shop.
PZ: So?
MF: So he's going out to panhandle in the streets to earn money to buy that tag belt. That is just great work by a true champion.
PZ: Yes, great work, FHB. Now, we see the Warrior still walking around. He's found the dressing room of "Ratgirl" Diane Kronson. He's knocking on the door, but there's no answer. He smells somebody in there, though.
MF: Back to FHB, he's playing "Won't You Come Home, Bill Bailey" on the flutaphone now. He needs to earn Twenty dollars. He brought $4.50 with him today, so all he needs is $15.50. So far, he's earned $1.19 from passersby. That brings him to...
PZ: I don't know, but it's gotta be still quite a bit. The Epileptic Warrior is opening the door to Kronson's dressing room.
MF: Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick. *Waaarrrrffffffhhh*
PZ: Folks this *gag* is the most...*gag*...revolting thing *suppressed gag* I've ever seen. Diane Kronson is *gag* stretched out on a couch *throws up in mouth and swallows it* uhhh. She is wearing *gag*...dude I can't do this.
MF: And I can? She is dressed in a tiny bikini (Paul Z. throws up) briefs, and the smallest possible bra on top. Her girth just pours all over the couch in all directions. This is disgusting. This is just hideous. She's eating grapes. She is about to speak. Let's listen in.
DK: So, Mr. Warrior, is this what you're looking for?
(She rolls to the front a little bit. She reaches behind her, beneath her flabbitudinous expanse, and pulls out the World Loserweight Title Belt. She shoves it back into the cavernous depths of her folds, and looks for a response from the shaking one.)
DK: Do you want this?
Epileptic Warrior: Yes ma'am.
DK: How bad do you want this?
EW: Pretty bad.
DK: Bad enough to (whispers in his ear).
EW: (Violently shaking, with a horrible grimace on his face) I don't know.
DK: You know you want to get with this. This is the finest body in show bizzniss. They say, once you go Yak you can never go Back.
(The Warrior starts to cry, curled up in a ball in the corner of the room. Kronson shuts the door)
DK: Don't worry, baby, it'll be nice.
(.....Meanwhile.....)
MF: Wow, look at FHB play that thing. He only needs eight more dollars!! Go kid, go!!!
PZ: What's he playing now?
MF: Sounds like "Mary Had A Little Lamb."
PZ: Cool. And there's another dollar! He needs seven now!!
(Camera zooms in on the door of DK's dressing room. A sign reads "Do not disturb")
PZ: (gags again) Jesus, just thinking about that. I hope that young man isn't doing what I have a feeling he may be doing.
MF: Shut up, man. Don't even bring that up. FHB is up to fourteen dollars, now. He just needs six more!! Go man!! There's Dennis Rodman!!! He just dropped a fin!!! Now he only needs one more dollar!! And there it is!!! He's bundling up the money and taking it to the gift shop!!
PZ: Wow, this is great. What a show. That may be a new line of work for that young man.
MF: Let's take a camera inside that shop with FHB.
FHB: Heer it is, surr. Twentee dollers. Gimme the belt, now.
Clerk: You want this belt, very well. That'll be twenty one fifty nine.
FHB: What?
Clerk: Sales tax, young man. You've got a lot to learn. Catch ya later, kid.
PZ: Haha. He's packing his stuff up again. He's heading back to the street. Any word from KrocoKronson yet?
MF: Not yet, I'm listening, I mean, watching the door real close.
PZ: Excellent. FHB is playing something from Titanic. He needs to stop and play something else. This song isn't working.
MF: He can't hear us. He doesn't know. Damn. OK, now he's playing the GooGoo Dolls.
PZ: Aaaaahh. The hometown boys. That should bring in some money.
MF: It doesn't look good. Damn. Wait, there's some trendy little ten year olds. They're giving some money out of their thirty dollar a week allowance!!! He's got it!!
PZ: Now, Fire Hydrant Boy is racing to the gift shop! He turns the corner! He runs into the door! THE SIGN SAYS "CLOSED"!!!!!!!
MF: OH NOOOOOOO!!!!! Wait, something's going on in the dressing room area!
PZ: Oh no, the door to the dressing room is opening! It's the Warrior!! He's leaving Kronson's dressing room.....he's GOT THE BELT!!!!!!
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Oh man, he collapsed like Oldberg. Look in that room. Uuuuhhhhggggg.
MF: Oh man, she's puffing on a cigarette. That is so nasty. Or is that a ham?
PZ: Look at her feet...is that a strobe light? Man, she came prepared today. But this match is over, and the Epileptic Warrior is the first ever Champion of Champions. Wow, what a match. Congratulations to the Warrior, I think.
MF: Man, some things come with a price.
PZ: And some things are expensive enough where you turn around and run. Fast.
MF: I think congratulations are also in order for that crazy aixelsyD, the new owner of not only Dennis Rodman, but also of the Little Bus Cardboard Belt.
PZ: This was a great event to close out February. Join us this Wednesday for the second ever installment of Humpday Hijinx. Dead Man Not Walking will return to action after a brief layoff period. Mr. Speck will take on Impotent Ernie. Oldberg will face Grandpa Muenster in a Bucket of Prunes Rectal Warfare Match. Then, it's the Trial of the Century. Fly Girl sues the WRW for control of the league. She says she was wronged when I took the Loserweight Title from her cuz she weighed too damn much. Fat hog. I don't see it happening, but should we lose this case, the WRW may undergo some changes. It will probably become the Fly Girl Wrestling Federation or something. I don't believe it'll happen, but in case it does, please prepare yourselves. I'm Paul Zylinski, for Mike Forti and Dave Dives, saying good night, and we'll see you on Wednesday.
(Scene fades out to a live shot of the hallway outside of Diane Kronson's dressing room. Her door is closed, and smoke is leaking out under the door. The Warrior is laying unconscious on his back, while the medics are attending to him. He has an oxygen mask on, and he is breathing on his own. Two men are seen coming down the hall with a stretcher as the scene fades to black.)
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