The WRW's Weekend Event
Shooting rumps on saturday, or something like that.
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
I hope you love Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, because I do.
I hope you love Space Ghost's Cartoon Planet, because I do.
I hope you love hoes, cuz we don't here at...
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WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
Somebody Shoot Some Rumps
March 20, 1999
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(Scene opens with Paul Z. and the Running Man Dave Dives at the broadcast booth. They are talking as they do before every show. They are interrupted by Oldberg's music, which is followed a couple minutes later by the entrance of Oldberg. He (Scene opens with Paul Z. and the Running Man Dave Dives at the broadcast booth. They are talking as they do before every show. They are interrupted by Oldberg's music, which is followed a couple minutes later by the entrance of Oldberg. He begins his stroll to the ring, aided by his walker. They know this will take a while, so they begin to speak anyway.)
PZ: Welcome to another edition of SHOTGUN SATURDAY NITE. Well, we have our first round in the World Title Tournament tonight.
RM: Yeah, one match, at least.
PZ: Oh yeah, not the whole first round. Then we have a few interviews...the return of Stubby! Finally, in our main event, we have Crash Test Charlie facing off against FHB for the World Loserweight Title. Charlie said he is 'living in aixelsyD's shadow', and now he wants to prove himself in front of everybody.
(A rap beat begins to play over the sound system, with a dub over that keeps singing "The best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup")
PZ: Oh damn. That can only mean one thing. It's time for SECS!!!
RM: Sex?!? Count me in.
PZ: No, it's the Specially Educated Coffee Squad!!! Here come Fly Girl and Oingo Boingo!!
(Oingo grabs the mike)
OB: You know it's been seven days since we were cheated out of our Fag Title shot. I can't believe that the president sat back and allowed that travesty to happen. Now we have your son in our group, and you can't deny us our shot at the belts. Somewhere where no one can interfere.
PZ: Why does everybody say Fire Hydrant Boy is my son? My son is in HomoErotic servitude in South Korea.
OB: We want a Middle Of Nowhere match, where no one can get involved and cost us the belt. Fly Girl...
FG: Yeah. I'm gonna hop in a truck and go VVAARRROOOOOOOOmm all the way out to the middle of nowhere where I can whoop dat ass. Then it's two on two and we'll win cause we out-arm you five to four.
OB: We are the only team in this league that deserves those belts. So if you want to be there, you show up and bring those...
(Star Trek theme plays, remixed by FatBoy Slim)
PZ: Here comes Mr. Speck!!!
Mr. Speck: OK you two, I've had about enough. You keep saying that you are the only team in this league, and you keep demanding title shots. You need to fight somebody to earn that right. This is ridiculous. So you should get fag title shots every week? Yeah whatever. You didn't get the job done last week, so you should have to start all over again. Me and Pic'Nose are gonna fight for those belts. You got no say. It's up to the pres, and he'll pick us.
OB: Are you done?
MS: Yes.
OB: OK. Well, the pres had better make the right decision, or he might lose a family member forever.
PZ: Dammit, why do they keep saying that!!! He's not my son!!!!! Get out of the ring RIGHT NOW.
(They leave)
PZ: Well, our first match of the evening is the first match of the World Title Tournament for the vacant belt. Let's go to Tourette's Boy for the announcements.
TB: FUCK this match Shit is set for one BONER BONER fall. Introducing first, from DAMMIT DAMMIT SUMMABITCH the seven hills of gold, THE DWARF!!!!!!
("Heigh Ho Heigh Ho" by the Insane Dwarf Posse plays. Out comes the Dwarf with Snow White.)
RM: Well I see Tourette's Boy went without his medication today.
PZ: Yeah, he told me the medication was giving him a headache.
TB: And his opponent...
("99 Ways To Die" plays over the speakers. Out comes Man With Wheelbarrow with Dead Man Not Walking inside the wheelbarrow. They whip past Oldberg who is still on his way to the ring.)
TB: From Sarasota, Florida...DEAD MAN FUCK FUCK NOT WALKING!!!!!!
(Fans are throwing shit at him all over the place. Some fan picks up his son and throws him. Everyone is littering the rampway with garbage as Man With Wheelbarrow dumps DMNW into the ring and heads for the dressing room.)
PZ: The fans are just all over DMNW. They need to realize that sometimes life doesn't always go the way you want it to. Dead Man is going through rough times right now. His career is in a slump, but there's no way he can get out of this slump without the help of the fans.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: This one has started and Dwarf is quickly picking up DMNW. He uses a HIGH vertical suplex to take the Dead Man down. He follows it up with a quick legdrop. And another. And another. Dead Man is getting rocked here.
RM: Yeah, it seems like he's not even trying. All he's doing is laying there. He needs to do something, or he can kiss that World Title goodbye.
PZ: Exactly. Now Dwarf is picking him up again, and whips him to the turnbuckle. Dead Man slides down the buckle in the corner. Bronco Buster in the corner on DMNW!!!! This is the first time at an event that the fans have been one hundred percent behind the Dwarf.
RM: Who is that back there?
PZ: It's the Demented Fan!!!! Here he comes!!!!! DMNW gets dumped to the outside. The Fan is helping DMNW up to the apron. Dwarf is going to suplex Dead man into the ring. He is up and FAN TRIPS DWARF!!! DMNW lands on top!!! A pin!!!
-----1
-----2
-----Sike
PZ: That was pretty close. Now the Dwarf is up and he's trying to go after Fan. Demented Fan runs up the aisle, but Dwarf is in pursuit. The ref is counting him out.
-1
-2
-3
-4
-5
PZ: Demented Fan goes behind the curtain. Who's this??? It's that dark Dwarf. He came out from the back right when Fan went behind the curtain. He's holding his hand up for Dwarf to stop, and he does. Now he's pointing at the ring, and Dwarf heads to the ring.
-6
-7
-8
PZ: He's back in the ring now. He's in hot pursuit of Dead Man Not Walking. He hits a scoop slam and he's going up top. A huge ass drop off the top, and he lands on top of DMNW. He picks him up now. Runner, you're quiet today.
RM: Yeah, I'm just thinking about things.
PZ: Oh yeah. That ain't good sometimes. You'll drive yourself crazy. What are you thinking about?
RM: My wife left me, and took the kids.
PZ: Whoa. That fat ugly bitch left you?
RM: Hey watch it. I love her.
PZ: Oh my bad. DWARF DROP!!!!!!!!!!! A Pin!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Wow what a show by the Dwarf, and he moves on to the next round. Demented Fan or the dark Dwarf are nowhere to be found. Dwarf heads back to the dressing room as Man With Wheelbarrow is on his way to the ring to get the corpse out of there.
RM: I want to kill her, you know, but I love her at the same time. It's hard to live with.
PZ: Yes, Dave, but violence is never the answer. So let's get to the next ass kicking in the ring.
RM: No, I have something else on my copy of the ring report for the night. It's not a match.
("One" by Metallica blasts in the arena. The fans go bananas.)
RM: Awwwww yeeeeaaahhhh.
PZ: You freak. Oh My God look at him!!! Stubby is back, and he's badder than ever. He is walking in some sort of Battletech contraption. He's Walking!!! This is just taking advantage of my good nature.
RM: Good nature. Hahaha.
PZ: Fuck up. This is insane. He is in some sort of mechanical suit which is allowing him to walk. He's got the mike, so let's listen in.
Stubby: Hello fans.
Crowd: Yay
S: I've been absent for a little while now. I've been putting the finishing touches on the ultimate fighting ring attire. It adheres to the strict regulations imposed by Paul Z., but it also allows me to walk and perform moves that are otherwise impossible. It feels good to be able to walk and have my mouth not sewn shut anymore. Aaaahhhh. Saddam Hussein, I'm coming for you.
(Something starts popping in the left knee of the suit. A small fire starts on his leg.)
S: Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Don't worry folks. Happens all the time. Stop drop and roll, kids, remember that.
(He falls to the ground and rolls around for a minute. Finally the fire goes out.)
S: That's better. This thing cost too much money to have stuff like that happen. As I was saying, I have spent ages working on this suit, and it is my gateway to the World Heavyweight Title.
(Something pops in the other leg, now. Then in the chest and left shoulder. Then the top of the helmet cracks, and a huge fire starts where the stomach is.)
S: Ahh dammit, stupid asian parts. I should have bought from Ford. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Why isn't the eject button working????? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
(The suit explodes, sending Stubby and parts of the suit through the roof of the LittleAss arena. He lands in an alleyway on the lap of some guy. A big thing of string lands on top of Stubby as the man looks down at him.)
S: You saved my life, mister. Thanks.
Some Guy: Hi, I don't have any friends.
S: Well, I don't really either. Wanna be my friend?
(The strange man picks up the string and weaves it through Stubby's lip holes where his mouth had been sewn shut before. He ties it off, and his mouth is sewn shut again.)
SG: I'd love to be your friend.
(The two men hug, and the new friend carries Stubby down the street into the sunset.)
PZ: I'm speechless.
Mike Forti: Yeah? What'd I miss.
PZ: Where did you come from.
MF: Runner said he had a funeral to go to, or make, or something. He said he was down. So here I am.
PZ: Kick ass. You got here just in time for our main event of the evening. It is for the World Loserweight Title.
TB: Ladies and Gentlemen Shit. The next contest is Shitty Shitty scheduled for one fall with a DAMMIT twenty minute time CRACK limit.
("Crash" by Dave Matthews Band plays)
TB: First, the Beeeotch challenger. Weighing in at 112 lbs., the HORSEASS human clone, CRASH TEST FUCK CHARLIE!!!!!!!
MF: Did you notice that he didn't even use the Nation's music? He came out to his own music.
PZ: You know, you're right. Damn. Maybe he's not in the Nation anymore.
TB: And his BUTTHOLE BUTTHOLE BUTTHOLE opponent, the reigning TURDS World Loserweight WHORE WHORE BITCH Champion, Fire Hydrant CROTCH Boy.
PZ: So what do you think about Charlie not being in the Nation anymore?
MF: But is this his own doing, feeling that he is in syD's shadow? Or is this syD has kicked him out of the Nation for good?
PZ: I don't know, but why don't we get this match going and maybe we'll find out.
(Ding Ding)
Charlie: (Grabs the mike) I am sick of being in aixelsyD's shadow, and tonight I claim the title that will push me into the spotlight in the Nation. FHB you broke ass pimp, let's get it on.
(Throws the mike down)
PZ: Well, FHB comes in flailing his arms wildly. He's bitchslapping the hell out of Charlie. Charlie goes down!! FHB on top...
-----1
-----2
----Kick out
PZ: I can't believe that was that close already. Charlie got slapped around like a little girl. He's still down, and Fire Hydrant Boy is going up top. A BIG LEG DROP!!!! Another pin...
-----1
-----2
-----OOhhhhhhhh so close
PZ: Damn, what is wrong with Charlie. He doesn't seem right. Oh, and he punches FHB right in the nad area. FHB is down.
Speaker system: Hey, you little puss, get up. You're gettin' your ass beaten by that ratty old pimp. You should be beating his ass. Get the hell up you little bitch.
(aixelsyD walks out of the back with a microphone. He is taunting Charlie.)
syD: Dammit boy, get the hell up!! What the hell is wrong with you? I saw you used your own music to come to the ring. What are you leaving the Nation? You can get to stepping as far as I'm concerned. I've already got a replacement. And I want to bang his manager so bad and make her know what it's like to be with a man that's more than four feet tall. You're on your own, bitch.
(syD leaves the ring area)
PZ: So syD didn't kick him out. It was all Charlie's idea to come out to his old music. I guess he was sick of being just another face in the Nation's crowd.
MF: Yeah, but now he's not cuz syD told him to get to steppin. Haha stupid ass.
PZ: Well both men are exchanging blows now. FHB is taking the brunt of this, and now he goes down. CTC is stomping his ass into the mat.
MF: Charlie's found a new intensity that he didn't have before.
PZ: Damn. Intensity? That's a purty big word.
MF: Yeah, I know. I learned it on Blue's Clues.
PZ: Yeah, I figured. Charlie is still on the attack. He picks up FHB and hits a big DDT, taking him down to the canvas. He drops a knee and covers...
-----1
-----Kick out
PZ: Hell yeah. You can't pin my boy that easily.
MF: Your boy? I thought you said he wasn't your kid.
PZ: Not my boy like my son, I meant like that's my boy.
MF: Like your kid.
PZ: Shut up. He isn't mine. You want some DNA to go test? I can make some right now if you want.
MF: Hell no, you nasty bastard.
PZ: See, freak. Now FHB is back up, and he's running around the ring like a big retard. He keeps kicking Charlie in the shin, and he's really hurting him. He has him in a headlock now, and FHB has recaptured the upper hand in this match. Fire Hydrant Boy whips Charlie to the ropes and a clothesline, NO Charlie ducks, he's off the ropes again, and CTC hits a cross body!!! Quick count...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: NOOOO. That was close as hell. I thought Charlie had the belt there for a minute. Now FHB's back up. He tries to flail his arms again, but gets caught in a backslide by CTC. Another pin...
-----1
-----2
-----2.99999999999999999
PZ: Just snuck out of that one. Man, that was close. FHB needs to mount some offense here for a second at least. There's a fan in the crowd holding up a steering wheel!! He throws it to Charlie. This could be Charlie's finisher. He runs at FHB with the wheel...He swings and RUNS INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!!!!! FHB bailed, and Charlie ran headfirst into that steering wheel which hit the turnbuckle. Oh man what a match.
MF: SACK KICK!!!! SACK KICK!!!!!!! FHB hits the big sack kick!!!!
PZ: A small package...
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Wow, what a match that was. FHB pulled it out in the end, but Charlie can't be to blame for that. He fought a great match. He just had a lot on his mind. We're going to have to find out what's going on with him and the Nation. Hang on, FHB is in the ring, and he's got the mike, so let's hear what he has to say.
FHB: Hay, Oldburg. I see yoo outt thare on the flore. I bin waching yoo all nite try too make it too the ringg. I see thatt yore furst mach in the Wurld Titel Turnamint is agginst mee, the troo pimp Silkee. Ile tell yoo wut. If yoo git in thiss ringg beefore I count too ten, Ile givv yoo a bie too the next round, and yoo dont eevin hav to fite mee.
One
Too
Three
Fore
Five
Five and a haff
Six
Sevvin
PZ: Who is this coming to the ring??!!!!??? IT'S RATGIRL DIANE KRONSON!!!!! She chucks Oldberg's old ass into the ring!!!!!!! Oldberg gets the bye from FHB!!!!! Fire Hydrant Boy is chasing after Ratgirl now who is in the dressing room area. Damn, this is insane, but we're out of time. For Runner and Mike Forti, I'm Cerebral Paul Z. saying goodnight, and don't eat too much or you'll look like Ratgirl. See you later.
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Copyright ©1999 PaulZAss Productions WRW No Rights Reserved
