SHOTGUN<br>January 23,1999
The WRW's Weekend Event
Shooting rumps on saturday, or something like that.
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
Sorry if this sucks, but I'm not feeling well.
My uvula has swollen up to where it's hard to breathe.
Then I've got sinus runoff filling the gaps that aren't taken up by that gigantic pendulum in the back of my throat.
I'll try to make this good, but my brain isn't working right now.
_______
WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
March 6, 1999
SHOTGUN
This program is rated "U" for Uvula, the thing that hangs down in the back of your throat.
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(Scene opens with Harlowe T. Quimby and the Dwarf in the ring, staring each other down. The opening of the show had been pre-empted by overtime of the World Bedroom Nerf Basketball championships in Dusseldorf, Germany. The match has all but begun, and the two men are waiting for the bell to ring.)
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Sorry, folks, we are hellalive from our home in Buffalo New York for the last time until March 20th. Next week, we go to the Seattle Space Needle for our third PPV event, Brainless in Seattle.
Mike Forti: Don't you think we should commentate the match?
PZ: Oh yeah. Why, they haven't done anything yet. There they go. The two men lock up, and Harlowe pushes Dwarf back into the corner. Will we have a clean break? Yes. Harlowe backs away.
MF: That man has respect for wrestling. I don't know if I like it, but you have to respect him for that.
PZ: Indeed. OH and Dwarf just hellaclipped Harlowe's knee cap. Down he goes. Dwarf is hitting a series of elbows on Mr. Quimby. He's climbing to the top!! He drops a big ass elbow!! He covers!
-----1
-----2
--Not even close
PZ: Harlowe is back, and he's not the same guy that lost to a jobber a few weeks back. This is the new Harlowe that has been training like crazy.
MF: Yeah, and he's getting his ass beat.
PZ: That may be the case, but he dropped one a few weeks ago that he never should have lost. He's back with a vengeance, and it's only a matter of time before he wins a title in this league.
MF: What about the Dwarf winning a title?
PZ: He's already had his shot at about every title. He's just hellawasted 'em that's all.
MF: I guess that's what happens when you get greedy and demand shots at every title. He hasn't gone for the Fag Team Belts yet. Maybe that's next for him.
PZ: Yeah, he'll probably lose that too.
MF: Is he in the Nation?
PZ: Not that I know of. He expressed interest, and the Nation told him only if he brought Snow White. He said OK, and that's where we are now. Whoops. Dwarf is beating ass on Harlowe Quimby. He whips him to the ropes and DWARF DROP no...Harlowe reverses it into a crucifix!! Pin...
-----1
-----2
-----No
PZ: Dwarf just snuck his little ass out of that one.
MF: I thought he had him. I was wrong. I suck.
PZ: Indeed. Harlowe is back on the offensive now. He hits a forearm to Dwarf's face. And another. The third one drops him. Dwarf is down, and a big bodysplasy by Harlowe!! A cover...
-----1
-----2
-----Kick out
PZ: Damn, I thought he had him. Snow White is calling Harlowe over!!
MF: I hope she has a drop top on. Just like my Benzo.
PZ: You don't have a Benz, you freak. Or a convertible.
MF: Yeah. Lying's fun.
PZ: Yeah. She dropped her top!!! Harlowe is sweating profusely! So am I!! Damn, just look at those. Walt Disney really appreciated a good set of titties. Harlowe is just mesmerized.
MF: He'd better watch out.
PZ: Roll up from behind by the Dwarf...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: NOOO. That was hellaclose. Harlowe is pissed off, now. He's got a DONUT!! He whips it at Snow White and connects!! She is down on the outside. Now Dwarf is flipping out. He runs at Harlowe...no...he ran and slid out of the ring. He's checking Snow White. Now he's running down the entranceway to the dressing room.
MF: All the while, the ref is counting him out.
Ref: -1
-2
-3
-4
MF: He'd better hurry up and do what he's going to do.
Ref: -5
-6
-7
-8
PZ: Here he comes. What does he have? It's a squeaky sledgehammer!! We've seen that before in Dwarf's past. He's in the ring, now. He whacks Harlowe with it!!!!
(Ding Ding)
MF: Dwarf has been disqualified, but I don't think he cares. He's wailing away on Harlowe Quimby, and he's not giving up. He's beating his ass with the sledgehammer. Harlowe is just laying in a ball covering his head.
PZ: Here comes event staff, they'll get him out of there.
MF: There goes Dwarf, under his own recognizance.
PZ: Whoa! That's a big ass word.
MF: He's going back to the dressing room with Snow White, now. Event Staff is assisting Harlowe in getting out of the ring.
PZ: I have to make a match for these two at Brainless in Seattle. This needs to be hellasettled.
MF: What's with you saying 'hella' today?
PZ: I don't know. Am I really doing that?
MF: Yeah, I swear.
PZ: Don't fuck with me, Forti.
MF: I'm not, you keep saying 'hella'.
PZ: OK. I'll keep my eye out for me saying 'hella' again.
MF: Good. Hey Dave, what's up?
Running Man: What's up, guys. I'm helladown.
PZ: Haha. He said it.
MF: I laughed cuz he's down. The hella part was just plain annoying. See ya later, Dave.
PZ: God, that guy has a family to feed, too. He only shows up a couple hours a week. I hope he gets paid for running. Well, we'd better get set for our next match. It's a jousting match up and down the ramp here at the LittleAss Arena between Crash Test Charlie, and the former Little Bus champ, Stubby. Let's go to Tourette's Boy for the announcements.
TB: The following match is a wheelchair jousting match set for one fall out of the chair. This will be a no disqualification, no Nation of Fornication members in the building, match to the finish. Coming to the ring first...
("Crash" by Dave Matthews plays)
TB: CRASH TEST CHARLIE!!!!!
(He strolls to the ring first, so he can wave to the crowd. Then he walks back down the aisle to get into his chair.)
TB: His opponent...DEAF, BLIND, PARALYZED, MOUTH SEWN SHUT, PARAPALEGIC MAN!!!!!!!
Crash Test Charlie: Rodman can't be here!! What's he doing here?!?
Ref: The rules are No Nation Members. Unless Rodman is in the Nation, he can be here.
CTC: He's in the Nation.
Ref: Hey, Rodman. Are you in the Nation of Fornication?
DR: Hell no.
(Ding Ding)
Ref: Start the match.
PZ: Oh my god, look at Stubby, he's all duct taped into the chair. What the hell, I didn't think you could do that. That isn't really fair.
MF: Hey, it's no disqualification. Do what you gotta do.
PZ: I guess you're right. But now Rodman is pushing Stubby around in the chair. I thought this was all under your own power.
MF: No DQ, man.
PZ: That hellasucks.
MF: You said it again.
PZ: What?
MF: Hella.
PZ: I did not.
MF: Yeah, you did.
PZ: Enough of these childish games. We've got a match to commentate. Rodman pushes Stubby toward Charlie, who is coming from the other way. They miss each other completely, and Stubby and his chair go down off the ramp into the crowd. Rodman helps him back onto the ramp. If that didn't knock Stubby out of the chair, I don't know what will. He's all fastened in with duct tape.
MF: I don't know. Maybe a fan will start Stubby on fire or something.
PZ: There's wishful thinking. Well, they're making their second pass now, and Charlie blasts Stubbo. He's still in his chair. This is ridiculous. Charlie can't win this match. This just isn't hellafair. I should have never agreed to sign the No DQ match. Here comes the third pass. Charlie nails him again.
MF: I think that one knocked him a little loose!
PZ: No, I don't think so. There they go again, and they both miss. Christ, Stubby can barely hold that stick he's using. Charlie is getting set at the top of the ramp.
MF: There's a trap door opening under him. Is it HE?????
PZ: No. It looks like Impotent Ernie!! He's handing Charlie some scissors!!!
MF: Isn't he in the Nation???
PZ: Not any more than Dennis Rodman is. Maybe he is now.
MF: Damn.
PZ: Here they come again, and Charlie grabs hold of Stubby's chair!! He's cutting the duct tape off!!! Rodman is pulling Stubby away, but it's too late!! The tape is on the floor now. It's off of Stubbomania. Here they come again, and Chuck blasts Stubb Rock, but he's still in the chair!! I guess it's that leftover duct tape goo keeping him in the chair.
MF: Wow, this is a better match than I thought it was going to be.
PZ: Yeah. Here they come again, and Charlie hits Stubby, who is spinning out of control...He is OUT OF THE CHAIR!!!!!!!
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Charlie has won the match.
MF: Yeah, but he had some help.
PZ: Yes. I have to find out more about this relationship between Impotent Ernie and the NOF. I need to see if he has joined or not. Well, now we have an interview with the World Loserweight Champion, the man they call the Franchise of WRW, Fire Hydrant Boy.
***************
Interview with Fire Hydrant Boy
***************
Running Man: Hello, folks. I'm Dave Dives, and I'm here with someone we have come to know well in the handicapped wrestling world in the past few years. His name is Fire Hydrant Boy, and he is the World Loserweight Champion. Hello, Fire Hydrant Boy.
FHB: Pleez, Dave, call mee Silkee.
RM: Ok, Silky, we have noticed a huge change in your demeanor in the past weeks. Can you explain to the world what has happened to you.
FHB: Well, I dont reemembur changeing at awl. I just reemembur pimpin like nobuddy evvur pimpt beefore.
RM: I see. So pimping is your life, huh? What about wrestling?
FHB: Wut about ressling? Ime the Looserwate Champeeon. Anneewun that thingks they can git with thiss shit needs too stepp on up.
RM: I've noticed that you are an illiterate fuck. Can you comment on that?
FHB: No. Yoo ar in a pizishun ware yoo need to bee abel too talk. Ime the Champeeon. Awl I need too no how too doo is pimp and fite. I can doo both.
RM: I see. So what are your future plans? Will you pursue the World Heavyweight Championship soon, or are you content with what you have now?
FHB: Ime nevvur happee, unless Ive got a ho on my jock. I turn out hose daley. If yoo need a ho, heers my card. Ive been dooing some ho recrooting lately, and Ive got sum fly ass hose. I git it on evree nite, now. I thingk the onley thing Ime dooing in the neer fyoocher is kickin that Ratgirl to tha curbb.
RM: Seriously? The couple that has been together since high school is going to break up?
FHB: A pimp gots ta doo wut a pimp gots ta doo. Iff shee dont make tha munny shee used too, she gots ta go. She betta hav my cash flo, too, or sheell git layd out with a boot too the hedd like all tha rest. Yoo gots ta treet ya hose like a dog, or they jump up and bite ya.
RM: Ahhh yes. Some stirring comments from one Fire Hydrant...ahh...I mean Silky. Thank you Silk.
FHB: No problim. Play on Playa.
RM: Thank you. Back to the booth.
**********************
PZ: Man, that kid has problems.
MF: Tell me about it. At least he's not my son.
PZ: Shut up, bastard. He's not mine either. I swear.
MF: Hahaha.
PZ: Let's get down to the ring for our final match of the evening.
TB: The following match is set for one fall, and is for the *twitch* World Fag Team Titles. Intoducing first, the new team of Fly Girl and Oingo Boingo!!!
PZ: What the hell? They're throwing coffee to the crowd!!! Huh. This is messed up. I had heard the rumors on the internet, but I didn't think it would really happen.
MF: What?
PZ: Nothing.
TB: And their opponents, the WORLD FAG TEAM CHAMPIONS.....Anna Rexia and the Epileptic Warrior!!!!!
MF: This should be a great match.
PZ: Yeah, if the champs ever come out. The fame must be going to their heads. Are they waiting to make a fashionable entrance? Get them the hell out here. These people want the champs, and I AM ALL ABOUT THE PEOPLE.
("The star...The star...The Starship enterprise" is followed by a semi-techno version of the Star Trek theme. Pyro goes off at the top of the ramp. Three men come out.)
PZ: OH MY GOD IT'S THE TREKKIES!!! They have Levar Burton with them!!!
MF: Holy crap.
PZ: Where are the champs?
(Ding Ding)
PZ: No, this is not the match.
Ref: It is now.
PZ: Yeah, like you aren't going to be working for me now. Somebody go find the champs.
Some guy with a plastic PlaySkool camera: I'll find 'em.
PZ: Good, do it, man.
MF: They're actually wrestling in the ring!! These two teams are kind of fighting it out for the top contender spot!
PZ: Yeah, but it's three men fighting two, and two of the three are two...ah forget it. They're not wrestlers...they're valets or vice presidents or whatever. I don't need a VP in kahoots with anybody. Burton and Pic'Nose have taken Oingo Boingo out of the ring. Now it's just Speck vs. Fly Girl in the ring. She must be exhausted from that court case the other night. She got destroyed. She's taking it out on Speck though. She's beating his ass.
MF: Now who is this coming?
PZ: It's the man with the Cardboard!! It's aixelsyD!!!!! He's not hellahappy with the antics of his manager. Now aixelsyD's beating Pic'Nose's ass. He drops him with the Remedial Wrap, and now he and Levar are walking back to the dressing room. Oingo is in the ring. Now it's two on one.
MF: aixelsyD just demanded that Levar tell him where the champs are!! Does this mean he knows!??!
PZ: I don't know, but Speck is up on Fly Girl's shoulders and Oingo is up top... TRIPLE CLOTHESLINE!!!!! He hit him with all three arms!!!
MF: Fly Girl is making a cover...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: Yes, this one is in the history books, and Fly Girl and Oingo Boingo have cemented their spot as number one contenders for the Fag belts. I will definitely grant them a title match at the Pay Per View next week.
MF: It sounds like Levar didn't know where the champs were. aixelsyD just got him to use his heat sensitive eyegear to find them. Apparently they are in the arena.
PZ: We are completely out of time here, so we'll tell you where they were later. For all of us here at the WRW, this is Paul Z. saying have a hellahappy yuletide season, and we'll see you next week.
MF: Isn't yuletide Christmas?
PZ: Shut up. Goodnight everybody.
(Scene goes to a mobile camera in the back, where apparently three figures have been found by Levar Burton through a wall. The camera goes around the camera to find the Fag Team Champions and their manager, Ben Dover, tied up in the corner of the room. They have been gagged and completely immobilized. aixelsyD and Levar begin to untie them. As the camera fades out, they gasp for breath. syD asks "Who did this?" The scene fades to black and the sound shuts off before we get an answer.)
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