ARTICLES
-Indepth FBSFC News-

Hal Huff Sold To McDonald's (now to be known as McHal McHuff)

Hal Huff has been sold to McDonald's four days before he was to bring his new idea of "running" to FBSFC. "We had to do something, he was going crazy" John DeSantis admitted. "There is no way I can run after the ball and then be expected to kick it - I can do one or the other - not both."

Huff (now McHuff) was sold for three Big Macs and a super-size fry.

Mike Johnston's Hands to be Surgically Removed

Mike Johnston who "can't keep his hands off the ball" has solved the problem by surgically removing his hands and replacing them with feet.

The new configuration has worked well so far in training and he can do "some really spectacular cartwheels" one teammate praised.

FBSFC The Movie - "Cool Runnings 2"

The movie rights to FBSFC's last two seasons have been sold for an undisclosed amount to Paramount Pictures.

The story will be altered slightly and made into the sequel to "Cool Runnings" the story of the Jamaican bobsled team. Each member of the team has been offered a role in the picture as an extra.

"The story will be about a soccer team from a frozen Canadian town that plays against Brazil in the World Cup Finals. The players will be shipwrecked for a while on Jamaica where they will meet the bobsled team and become inspired." a producer revealed.  

FBSFC Admit They Cannot Win League - Set Sites On Grammy

FBSFC have decided to throw in the towel in their quest for the Soccer City League title. But they have redoubled their effort in the race for this years Grammy Awards.

It was Steve Sexton's idea originally to give up soccer and turn the team into one of the largest (and heaviest) boy bands in North America. "It's all the rage - all we needed was a theme - and FBSFC already has one - now we only have to have everyone cut their hair like me and get the dance steps right"Sexton added.

FBSFC the Band has already cut it's first single "We've Got Back" and are going to be the first to cover an existing top ten with a version of "The Thong Song"- and yes the whole team is in thongs for the video- MTV has stated it will only show the video after 11pm as they find it "disturbing".

Ian McLaughlin's New "Exoskeleton" To Be Unveiled Next Week

Ian Mclaughlin's new "exoskeleton" will be unveiled at next weeks FBSFC soccer game. The "exoskeleton" is a titanium based skeletal body that will be attached to his current limbs giving vastly increased dexterity and range of motion.

"I am am very excited. This is a pet project   that I have been working on for almost 10 years" McLaughlin revealed. "With the titanium additive I will be able to jump over ten feet high and run at nearly 60 miles an hour."

"The hard part is actually screwing the metal bars to my limbs - but I have purchased a nail gun that should do the trick. There are a surprising number of people volunteering to perform the procedure."Ian added.

FBSFC Will Try "Kicking" The Ball Next Time.

After 19 games FBSFC has decided to try "kicking" the soccer ball next game.

"The idea started forming in my head at around game thirteen, but I thought maybe we should take thinks slow and not try anything "radical" at that point in the season. But with next week's game being the last - I thought what the hell: let's try "kkicking" the soccer ball" explained coach Sean Rice.

"I then brought the whole concept to the players, and in a close vote the team decided that we should try this new "strategy". After a few tries they seemed to get the hang of it. It was difficult at first with the bending and motion and all - but I think they will be OK. I then sent  the players home and told them to decide which leg they may want to favor when "kicking".

"I think this might open things up a little" offered Mike Johnston who is known for using his hands during the game. "the referee doesn't blow the whistle when you "kick"".

Yes, I see it now. I always thought we would have a lot more success if we could just propel the ball towards their net in some fashion.The ball bounced off my body a couple of times this season and that seemed to move the ball a little - but it didn't seem to happen when I wanted it to or go where I wanted it to go." added Don Clendenning.

I'm not sold on the idea. I noticed that when you "kick" you are actually standing on one leg for a second or two, that can't be good for anybody. What is the point in it? I can't see how you can propel the ball in the proper direction - you may end up with the ball in your own net after "kicking" it. It's just too revolutionary." stated Justin McCarthy.

Jury Still Out On Cigarettes: FBSFC

The trainer for FBSFC has stated that "the jury is still out on the perceived ill effects of cigarettes".

"I think their is still a lot of studies to be completed before I recommend that my players quit smoking. It could be just like that "butter bad margarine good" thing. I changed to margarine and now they say that butter is better for you. What the hell are we supposed to think? "

As far as I'm concerned: "Smoke 'em if you got 'em." The trainer added.

Fact: Drinking makes Losing "Easier"

Drinking more that one pitcher after a game has seemed to dull the pain of "losing" every week it was revealed after a study was released today.

Players leaving the pub after a loss feeling no "regrets, remorse or anger" about the game, the opposing team, officials or anything else generally.

"It's a fine balance" Dr. Edward Smythe revealed. Stating that "the effect is changed if a player consumes more than three pitchers and may become dangerous and violent if a fourth is consumed."

Coach Rice Kicked Out of Soccer City Pub

FBSFC coach Sean Rice was barred from the Soccer City Pub after insisting on using the "Employees Only" bathroom instead of going downstairs to the "public" washrooms.

It's my damn leg..as a handicapped person I demand special treatment" Rice stated as he was getting into his car (it was parked in the "Handicapped" parking close to the door). "I can't believe they charge me full price for beer."

Although most people agree that Rice is "milking" it, he does bring to light the horrible conditions that patrons must deal with at Soccer City. "I cover more ground going for a pee than I do on the field" one player agreed.

Rice has stated that he will "act" like an able bodied person in the future so they don't cut him off again.

Diana Johnston Wins "FBSFC Loyal Fan Award"

Diana Johnston, wife of FBSFC player Mike Johnston (you may remember him for handling the ball in our area every game) is the winner of the 2000 "FBSFC Loyal Fan Award".

Diana has shown up for virtually every game this year and in most cases has been the ONLY fan on hand.

It was close for second place with Rocco DeSantis and Brian Warren both tied having shown up once each this year.

Team Picnic Sounds Lovely

FBSFC player Don Clendenning has invited the team over to his house at the end of the season for the first annual FBSFC alumni B.B.Q.

The day will start off with three legged races, bobbing for donuts and a round of musical chairs. Don will be serving a delicious lunch featuring:  mock chicken sandwiches, kool aid and pickled eggs.

The afternoon session will feature all you can drink vodka (you can use the kool aid as mix if you like) and more mock chicken sandwiches. When the donuts are gone we will increase the difficulty by bobbing for the remainder of the pickled eggs.

The evening will be spent trying to stay out of Don's hot tub, enjoying fine conversation and drinking vodka.

Before you leave make sure you pick up your loot bag (I'm scared) and say goodnight to our gracious host (you'll find him in the hot tub).

It sounds like a lovely time.

Jenny Craig -"I Can Help Them!"

In a press release, dietitian Jenny Craig has stated her desire to use FBSFC as a test case in a new set of T.V. commercials.

"The first step would be to get them off   that beer, chicken wings, and cigarettes diet and on to something a little more healthy" the release stated.

"FBSFC do not, I repeat, do not have a weight problem" was the tongue in cheek response from FBSFC.

Huff Uses "Modern Medicine" To Cure Ankle Injury

Hal Huff's recent painful ankle injury has led him to use a "cocktail" of drugs including codeine, anti-inflammatories and uppers mixed with vodka to try to soothe the pain.

"This is a dangerous mixture that has to stop " an insider revealed.

Most of the surprise has come from the people who know Hal best, friends and family who are shocked to find out that when the pain really came Hal abandoned his training as a naturopath Healer and went straight for the hard core pain killers. "Screw Echinacea and bay leaves pass the f*&%ing codeine!" Huff is quoted as saying during his first binge.

Huff later stated that he is feeling a lot better and that his recovery is thanks to lemon "sleepytime" tea and wheat germ.

Nolet's "Ring of Fire"Just Fine Thank You

Ron Nolet's ingenious plan of eating a mixture of jalapeno peppers, brown beans, squash and All Bran six hours prior to game time has resulted in excellent play in goal.

The opposing players seem content to shoot from the perimeter, as nobody wants to enter the eighteen yard box and battle the decaying smell that lies within. Hard shots have actually been seen to slow down as the ball fights it's way towards the net.

"I like the food, and it is really working for me on the pitch. There is a few drawbacks though, firstly, having to use that toilet in the change room after the game - the one with no door, and of course that "ring of fire" feeling. But the results prove that it's worth it." Nolet explained.

"How's the pain now? Just fine, thank you."

Team Weight On the Increase

FBSFC GTW (Gross Team Weight) has exceeded last years record of 3,000 Lbs. That equates to an average of 200 Lbs per player.

Last Sunday the team weighed in at that same mark of 3,000 Lbs - but one player was missing.

FBSFC Ask League to "Slow it Down Already"...

93% of FBSFC feel that the games  are played at too furious a pace.

"I'm not asking them to slow it down for us..it's the fans I'm worried about. How can they enjoy the game when people are running full tilt and you can hardly see the ball as it wizzes by. Also it can't be too enjoyable to see grown men puke at the bench." explained Ian McLaughlin

"I say slow it down already, we are supposed to be having fun - and exertion does not equal fun in my books." added John DeSantis.

"Either they (the league) slow down the pace of play or they speed up the game clock so the games are shorter." offered superstar Hal (Lyle) Huff.

McCarthy Patents "Anti-Nipple Chaffing" Balm

Justin McCarthy will be introducing his newly patented "Anti-Nipple Chaffing" Balm at Sunday's game.

"It's an old family recipe, in the olden days they called it a "salve" or "lotion" - but I call it a "balm". It was originally used for new mothers - but I find it helps to protect the nipples from excess friction." McCarthy explained.

Justin is currently in negotiation with "The Body Shop Inc" to introduce the product this summer. FBSFC has been chosen as a "test market"- ideal due to the high percentage of "nipple chaffing" related injuries reported with the team.

A Body Shop Inc. team of two (Fowler/Warren) be at next game and will help the players apply the new balm.

Hal Huff Refuses To Sign Autographs

Following his record setting goal Sunday, Hal Huff refused to sign autographs for the throng of fans outside Soccer City. One child in a wheelchair was pushed aside as Huff fled the building. He later punched a cameraman before speeding out of the parking lot.

"Hal is becoming more of a handful to coach - it's like all his success has gone to his head" coach  Rice stated.

Huff has also let it be known through his agent that if his contract is not renegotiated he will hold out next season. 

Ian Richardson Doesn't Play For Manchester United

In a shocking revelation Ian Richardson admitted at a press conference last night that he, in fact, does not play for Manchester United.

"Every article of clothing he owns has the Man. U. logo on it, so I just assumed...."mentioned one miffed observer.

Sexton Claims "Out Of Body Experience" Contributes To Injury

Steve Sexton claims that he underwent an "out of body" experience that left him dazed moments before the incident.   "First I'm chasing this guy and then all of a sudden I hear choppers and I can smell napalm. Then I hear a mine explode and all of a sudden I can't move my leg."

Sexton suffered a badly sprained ankle that will sideline him for a month.

Looking into Mr. Sexton's past we can't find any evidence that he actually was in Vietnam, but we did hear some horror stories about him hanging around drug users in his university days.

Player Profile: Don Clendenning

Don Clendenning is a modern medical marvel. Fifty Four years old and still running out there like a kid. But what keep Don (Sir Stanley Mattews) kicking?

It all starts long, long ago. Don was a young strapping corporal in World War 1, his French Canadian regiment "The Tabarnacs" had just finished a huge battle in war torn Italy and Don was given his papers to head home. Don refused with the now famous words "I don't go home until the Kaiser is toasted". He went on to lead his forces into the Kaiser's back yard.

Don moved to the entertainment industry following the war, his most notable work was that as "Shemp" (Curly's fill in during a contract dispute)  with the Three Stooges. Don also guest hosted the Jack Parr show on occasion and also subbed in for his good friend Sonny on "The Sonny and Cher Show", he was also the voice of Mini Mouse.  He spent WWII and Vietnam entertaining the troops with his soccer ball  juggling skills and once shared the stage with Bob Hope and Rita Hayward. His only regret is turning down the role of James Bond because they asked him to cut his hair.

In the seventies Don took time out to test pilot the Enterprise space shuttle and work with the military on their new "internet" project. Don made his millions selling junk bonds in the '80's and used the 90's to spend his money lavishly - being the first person to admit himself into the Betty Ford clinic three times.

So the reason Don looks so young is that he's been too busy to grow old!

Nejat Signs Deal With Jock Strap Inc.

Sean Nejat has signed a three year deal to help promote Jock Strap Inc's new "Bollocks Saver" jock. The deal was announced following last nights game. Nejat was drilled with the ball right in the groin in the second half. Everyone in the building winced as the shot caromed of his "Bollocks Saver" jock - with no damaging effect to Mr. Nejat.

"We either thought that he was wearing a Bollocks Saver or he was a eunich - those where the only two ways a person could have survived that blow" stated Sam Bertuzzi, marketing manager for Jock Strap Inc.

Mr. Nejat is reportedly so happy with the performance of the Bollocks Saver that he has decided to wear it all of the time.

Sexton's Commitment Questioned ... "High Living Must End"

Over the last three months it has become more and more apparent that Steve Sexton's commitment to FBSFC is in question. "His priorities are all out of whack" claimed one teammate. "He's more interested in scoring with the ladies than on the pitch"another added.

"Mentally and physically this 'High Living' is going to take it's toll"warned Dr. Eileen McMurdy.

I call it  "Gazza\Beckham Syndrome. Mentally Mr. Sexton is on the edge. His womanizing, drinking, smoking and late nights are pushing him towards some sort of breakdown", McMurdy added.

His latest stunt involved showing up for the game 30 minutes late. It looks like Sexton is on his way to being dropped from the starting lineup.

Player Profile: Ian McLaughlin

Ian is a newcomer to FBSFC and organized sports in general. His last kick at the can was literally that: a game of "footie" with a can of Heinz beans in 1976 .

Hailing from the Glasgow inner city, Ian has been exposed to soccer all of his life. After the heart break of being cut from the local house league team Ian turned his enthusiasm for soccer in a new direction: hooliganism.

After shaving his head, buying knee high Doc Martins and gaining a name for himself for his unique "reverse headbutt"Ian was ready to move up the ranks in the highly competitive world of Professional Soccer Hooliganism (PSH). In a short seven years he moved up to become the Manager, Logistics and Operations for the Glasgow chapter of PSH Association. He is credited with being the first to arrange hooligan activities via the internet.

Ian eventually had to flee the country after allegations of financial impropriety within the PSHA and gained a job in Canada as a bank teller.

Except for his problem with running and kicking Ian should be a great asset to FBSFC.

March 3/2000
FBSFC Players May Be Thrown Out Of Premiership Fan Clubs
Ian Richardson has already been asked to hand over his membership card by Manchester United's Fan Club President Malcolm Bell. "This team's play is an embarrassment to organized football. He is an embarrassment to what ManU stands for. We will not allow our good name to be associated with the likes of this"he explained.
Reporters had interrupted Mr. Bell as he was approving the launch of the new ManU urinal puck line - a line of urinal deodorizers featuring ManU's logo. This reporter was enthralled walking through the offices of ManU's Fan Club which featured such item as: ManU toilet paper, ManU toilet brush, and the famous ManU condom line.
Other players under warning from Premiership clubs include Mark Rattray who has been told not to wear anything with a Newcastle logo on it until his case is heard. Motherwell don't mind what Mark does as they need all the support they can get. Steve Sexton has also received a letter from the City of Liverpool asking him not to wear a Liverpool jersey, listen to the Beatles or say the word "scouser" in a sentence.
The rest of the team is apparently supposed to consider itself "under suspicion".