Music in CD Player: Pete Yorn, Musicforthemorningafter
Mood: Feeling adequate
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Wednesday,
February 4, 2004 -- 8:16 pm
Music in CD Player: Pete Yorn, Musicforthemorningafter
Mood: Feeling adequate
Tons has been going on in
this past week. First of all, the play started up. We're doing
Mame. I didn't get Mame...he gave the good parts this year to the
juniors, shitting a lot of us out of good parts. Oh
well. It's not like I can do much about it. I got second
banana as usual. (Sometimes those are even the more fun parts).
Soon my life will once again be ceded over to the hands of the
directors of the musical...God help us all. 
I've started a reading list. It goes as follows:
A Clockwork Orange
by Anthony Burgess (in the process of reading; almost finished 
)
Visions of Cody by Jack Kerouac
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig
Future Shock by Alvin Toffler
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
No One Here Gets Out Alive by Jerry Hopkins and Danny
Sugarman (biography of Jim Morisson)
The Matrix and Philosophy by various authors
From the looks of this, you
can kind of get the gist of my reading habits/interests. Moving
on...
I've been working on tons
of stuff for school. They seem to give you all this stuff all
together. Research papers, projects -- the works. Luckily, it's
the start of a new semester. I did horribly last quarter, mostly
because half the time I didn't know what was going on and what
was due when and where and how and etc. Most of the stuff was
already due, so thankfully it's all over with. Right now,
however, I'm in the middle of a research paper for AP English.
I'm attempting at writing a 10-page historical criticism on Jack
Kerouac's On the Road. I'm really glad I could do this
topic. I have so much information already. I could go
lots of places with this paper in order to make it a real
successful one. Yeah, I write to impress. 
As well as lots of school
stuff, I've had added emotional/mental drainage to contribute to
my risen stress levels. Certain stuff came up yesterday
that I'd rather not discuss. In any case, I'm pretty sure I
cleared it up. I just feel bad that I was part of it...But it's
over and done with and what's done is done and I can't change any
of it...
Also, I was a
little put down yesterday because I lost a trial we had in AP at
school. I suppose I asked for it, being as I was going up against
Jimmy and Bethany. It figures. It sucks to be competitive. It's
just, I thought I had at least a slight chance against them, but
yeah...I suppose I overestimated my preparedness and abilities of
myself and my fellow defense attourney. Oh well. 
So, as you can see, I've been pretty damn busy lately. Because of this, I've lost sleep, which I think adds to my previous constant negative mood. I wanted nothing more than to get positive. Luckily, today my load was just lifted all of a sudden, and I've felt much better since. I feel like I mean something -- like a contributing member to society. I feel successful. I feel positive and upbeat. I feel like...me again. And it's good. Oh, is it good.
Winter Weekend preparations have been going on all week. Saturday is the dance. I should muster up two cans and $10 in order to get Chris and I tix. Naturally, he'll be accompanying me. From there, God knows what'll happen. We always have a good time together, whether in public or alone..."It is difficult to say just what I mean!" I just love so much how we can talk about anything at any time and just carry on a long-lasting conversation for hours on end whenever we're together. I've seriously never felt like this ever before about anyone -- ever. It's indescribable, this bliss I feel. But is it love? Some would say so. I'm more wary. I'd hate to fall in love and not have it reflected back to me. My brothers, unrequited love sucks. No buts about it. But right now I'm feeling pretty damn good about this relationship. I'm really hoping to continue it even after graduation. I shudder to think about that, though, because I'm not quite sure what will happen once September rolls around and suddenly I'm 3 1/2 hours away...Best to leave it now. I'm getting a craving for some popcorn. Adíos.
Friday,
February 6, 2004 -- 10:35 am
Music in CD Player: Nirvana, Nevermind
Mood: melancholy yet expectant
"So we drove for what seemed like days over roads and four-laned highways. We said all we had to say, and I realized in time that it didn't mean anything..."
Tomorrow's the Winter Weekend dance. Being as we have a snow day today to do sleet and freezing rain which has been plaguing us since this morning, I don't think we'll be having the Honoring of the Seniors tonight. Oh well. I'll have to get in touch with Savanna on that one...
I woke up this morning at
6:50 am expecting to go to school, but then I was told that we
didn't have school. I hate it when that happens, because then I
can't get back to bed. I tried to sleep for another hour
before giving up, going downstairs and making waffles for the
fam. Then I took a shower and got out my dress for Winter
Weekend. It's blue with little diamond sequins going around the
top. I wore it exactly two years ago when I went with Skylar to
Winter Weekend. Ah, the good old days...
Well, this year
I'll be going with Chris, which should be just as good, if not
better. Still...you can't replace those crazy, dynamic, unique
friends who grew up and got a new taste of life and changed, some
would say, for the worse. But I won't get started on that. It'll
only make me feel even more melancholy.
I've added Frankenstein
by Mary Shelley to my list of books on my reading list. I
finished A Clockwork Orange and The Matrix and
Philosophy yesterday. I'm still waiting for my copy of The
Great Gatsby to arrive, namely because we're reading it in AP
English and I didn't take a copy when they gave them out, since I
knew I'd have one soon anyway. I did, however, take a copy of Frankenstein,
first of all because Louis had gotten out a copy for me since he
had already read The Great Gatsby and, since the other
choice had been Frankenstein, decided to take a copy of
each work and review Gatsby while reading Frankenstein
for the first time. He probably thought I had already read Gatsby
myself, but I'd wanted to read Frankenstein anyway, having
shown an interest in it, so I've decided to read both at the same
time, that is, as soon as my copy of Gatsby arrives.
Hopefully that'll happen today...(Man, I wrote The Great
Gatsby five (well, now six) times and Frankenstein
also five (now six) times in this whole paragraph! 
)
It's strange how things
change and leave you behind. People would tell me not to, but I
still can't help but look at two or three years ago and smile at
the people I know so well now whom I was just getting to know
back then. I look at all we've done, all that's happened to
either strengthen or weaken our relationships. I look back, and
realize how much potential was present, how much was possible. If
I had done things differently, how would it all have turned out?
Would it be any different than it is now? Would I feel the same
way? Would they? Still, some things are inevitable. Time
and change, for instance. There's really nothing I can do to stop
someone from changing. People change. Things change. Feelings
change...
The Herkimer/Mohawk Boys'
Varsity b-ball game was last night. Herkimer won in overtime. It
was such a close, crazy game. Of course, Chris didn't play. 
Oh well, though.
Woody played quite a bit, actually. Well, that is to say, the
coach put him in a lot, only to take him out about two minutes
later. That kid's a fiend on the court! Well, you know what they
say: "Can't knock on this wood!" 
Well, Dawson's Creek'll be on soon. I can't help it -- that show's got me. After that, it's probably on to some reading, then some annotated bibliography! Fun, eh? Maybe then I'll slide (literally, what with all this sleet!) over to the DMV to get the lowdown on signing up for my road test, which I shall take soon. What a snow day!
Tuesday,
February 9, 2004 -- 5:26 pm
Music in CD Player: Third Eye Blind, Out of the Vein
Mood: simply happy 
I've made an interesting
discovery: for the first time in my life, I'm in love...
Just in time for
Valentine's Day, right? Haha. 
Well, my intention here is to write a quick slice before heading off to do some community service at the consignment shop. This time, I'm not obligated to do it; I'm just doing it because I honestly don't have anything else to do on a Tuesday night, and I figured, "why not?" Well, why not?!
The good ol' Mohawk boys played ODY last night. I watched. I saw Mrs. Long, who fit in with the kids quite well. I didn't recognize her at first. She student-taught at Herkimer when I was in 10th grade, and I liked her a lot. We talked a bit. I told Nikki about my discovery -- she's happy for me. I really don't know what to think...
I was a bit dishaeartened
to discover that I'm not too well-liked by some of the girls over
there. They didn't even have anything to do with what I am now
taking most of the blame for...mostly it wasn't even my fault.
I've paid for what I did for more than four months now -- I don't
need to pay even more now. Yes, it happened and I'm sorry --
mistakes don't mean a thing if you don't regret them. Yes, it was
a mistake; yes, I regret it and I'm sorry -- what more do you
want from me? I can't erase what is past. If only people would
realize that. I'm happy now; I have someone; I'm in love for the
first time. I don't need anything else right now. What's past is
past -- I've moved on. I just wish other people could...
Well, I'm (go-go-gadget 
!) outta here. Have a good one. 
I'm in the sky tonight. There I can keep by your side, watching the wide world riot and hiding out... - Foo Fighters
Thursday,
February 12, 2004 -- 8:08 pm
Music in CD Player: Liz's MP3 CD #42
Mood: a mix of frustrated and excited
The reason I'm frustrated? The internet's being flaky...I say kill it.
The reason I'm content? I've gotten so much work done lately -- I finally deserve a nice, calm evening. Besides, tomorrow's the deal at HCCC, where I'll be competing with Louis against several other schools in the area of poetry. Some of my other buds are going for other subjects like broadcast journalism, newspaper (which I also could have done), short stories, a variety of maths and sciences, and sports trivia. It's kind of like quiz team, only better, since it's poetry. Maybe I'll bring my T.S. Eliot anthology...
Play practices are slowly gaining in frequency. Sometimes I think to myself, "One more month and a half, then it'll be over with!" but then I also think, "This is a lot of fun -- me and my buds having good times together." And so it goes back and forth. Still, my life's being taken over slowly as well (as if that hasn't already been going on!), along with schoolwork and all that cal. There's this huge English research paper, stuff for Econ., which just started up; Calc stuff, Health stuff...and, of course, my road test next Friday! On top of that, I'm making and selling cookies at church, which also requires quite a bit of time out of my Saturdays, and then there's always the much-desired time I spend with Chris...mmm. That's always a must. Mohawk's having its last home game on Valentine's Day. Whether Chris and I will end up doing something that night? Hmmm...it remains yet a mystery. In any case, I'll be attending the game.
All next week is vacation! It might be filled, sadly, with play practices. It's already a definite that we're going to Buffalo from Wed. to Thurs. to visit Nana. She and Dad haven't been getting along lately, so it was a surprise when she finally wrote us an e-mail, inviting us over. As usual, I'd rather stay home and be with my friends and watch Dawson's Creek every morning, haha. I can't help it; I'm a sucker for that damn show. In all honesty, I'd love to spend the majority of the week with Chris. Though that won't happen, I'm hoping for at least three days' worth with him. That weekend I'll have my license at last...!
Ugh -- it's such an inconvenience when the Internet's down. Well, by the time you read this it probably won't matter, because the Internet will be up again, in order for me to post this.
Friday,
February 20, 2004 -- 11:39 pm
Music in CD Player: none
Mood: quite frustrated, but overall content
Staying up late...writing.
That's basically what my nights have become...
"Every
one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and
here is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever
known." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
That's a damn awesome quote -- it's so true.
I got my
license today!!! 
Tonight was
going to suck, but then it got a whole lot better. It's amazing
what can happen to your night when Louis is around. Funny shit is bound
to happen. Anyway, I went to the Mohawk sectional game against
Little Falls, which they won. I dropped my brother off at karate,
chugged over to Mohawk to pick up Brant, then went to the game. I
wish these damn games would be over with -- I enjoy seeing Chris not
play (and sometimes, when I get lucky, I enjoy seeing him play
too...) but (and I know it's selfish) I'd like him to have more
time to deal with. Not that I myself have plenty of time. Play
practice took up basically all of my vacation this past week, and
I had to miss two days because we went to Buffalo to visit Nana
from Wednesday morning into Thursday afternoon. I got a little
Thruway practice in and finished my research paper (10
pages!!).
So Savanna, Dee Dee, Pete, and Louis showed up at the game. I wore Chris' jersey. I felt special, I guess. The gym was packed. We all sat in the back; there was barely room for Savanna & Co. when they came in. They told us the story about how Louis "sneaked" them all in. That kid's freaking hilarious -- I love him to death. I can't help but get a kick out of him. I asked them what they were doing after the game and they didn't know. My plans were to go to Brant's house and chill with Mo and him. So I invited them to stop over as well, which they did. Before that, I zipped over with Brant, Woody, and Lisa to Lisa's house in East Herk.
Louis went nuts when he saw
Chris' house. It was great. We all sat around playing guitar -- I
even taught Savanna and Dee Dee a few chords. Overall it turned
out to be a great night with them all. We made some loose plans
for the UW concert next Friday at Saratoga Winners. Should be a
great show. It's hard to believe I was once a part of that band,
and now look where they've gotten...probably because of the very
reason that I'm not with them anymore!
So where was Chris this whole time? Joel's...figures. The ridiculous story goes as such: I found out from Woody that Joel was having a party, and asked him what the deal was when I was talking to Chris while he was at his house one night, since his modem was busted. Joel said I wasn't invited. I was shocked. Why? Because Twis was going to be there. I'm sorry, but that is the most ridiculous reason I'd ever heard in my entire life. Just because he'd been catching "shit" from people at school, I wasn't invited because he might get more if I were to be there. Bullshit. First of all, all of the supposed shit he'd been getting from people, he fully deserves. Secondly, I'm an adult and can control myself -- I don't want to so much as look at him, so of course I wouldn't, had I been there. Of course, I wasn't there, but no one who was invited (with the exception of Woody) supported my opinion. When I told Joel my opinion on the issue, he dismissed it with, "I don't need to justify shit." I'm a reasonable person -- if I get a reasonable answer to my question, then I'll dismiss it. Since I didn't get a reasonable explanation for the decision, there's a problem. That's just how I operate. "The decision has been made; I'm not going to change it." Their loss, I suppose.
Sunday,
February 22, 2004 -- 5:30 pm
Music in CD Player: none (random KaZaA Lite stuff)
Mood: damn fine 
Hah! I love those "I-told-you-so!" kinds of moments! In other words, Twis didn't show up at Joel's on Friday, which pissed some people, including myself, off...I'm glad things turned out for the better on my end -- well, sort of. Justice always prevails!
I really wanna make this a
short one, since I'll be eating dinner soon. I really should be
doing a reading log for English, but I so don't feel like it. I
did a pretty good job on the last one (so I think), and I don't
think I can upstage it with this week's contribution. Oh, well!
In any case, let's see how short I can make this,
without writing a novel or anything...
I'm coming down with
something again. I seriously think I got it from Chris, since
he's been a little sniffly lately. Damn him! 
In any
case, it's a good thing I've got my Zyrtec, hehe.
Tomorrow it's back to
school after a week of merrymaking midwinter vacation. Back to
play practice -- my schedule's tightening up. Luckily, I've got a
license now, which might make things easier on my parents...then
again, their worries won't be lifted, but I guess those'll come
when your progeny receives new responsibilities and priveleges.
For me, it's all good.
Well, that wasn't too long, was it?
Wednesday,
February 25, 2004 -- 9:00 pm
Music in CD Player: none (KaZaA: Stand Inside Your Love
by Smashing Pumpkins)
Mood: anxious
It seems as if I got in trouble with more than one person for the last couple of entries. I'll try to refrain from honesty and momentary feelings from now on...
It also seems that every song Chris recommends to me turns out to be totally awesome. Just look at where Shiver and Letting the Cables Sleep stand on my list. Now there's Stand Inside Your Love...who knew that the Smashing Pumpkins could say so much with so little? I love the lyrics. Be on the lookout for it in an upcoming song of the week:
You and me, meant to be -- immutable, impossible -- it's destiny...But for the last time, you're everything that I want and ask for; you're all that I'd dreamed. Who wouldn't be the one you love? Who wouldn't stand inside your love?...And for the first time, I feel as though I am reborn in my mind...And for the first time, I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for your every move and waking sound. In my time, I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind. You're mine forever now. Who wouldn't be the one you love and live for? Who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for? Who wouldn't be the one you love? -- Ah, wonderful words. Who knew Billy Corgan could be so...squishy?
I'm still working on a new original I've entitled Dead End. I've been working on it for about two months now -- I can never seem to get the voice part right. I finally got a piano recording that pleases me -- the guitar background part is still a little iffy. Look for it soon on my soundclick site.
Mohawk Boys' Varsity Basketball is over at last! They lost to Oriskany, as I'd secretly hoped. It's kind of a selfish thing, but I'm glad that Chris will have more time now, not necessarily for me, but just in general. As for me, I'm retreating back into the recesses of the school musical, which leaves me now as the one who won't have any time on her hands for the rest of this month and the next! It never ends, does it?
Friday I'm hoping to head over with Savanna & Co. to Latham to see our buds Underwater Wheelchair. They'll be playing at Saratoga Winners -- where famous names such as the Smashing Pumpkins and Radiohead have played in the past. If we can all get situated with car plans (i.e. who's driving, who's riding with whom, etc.) by then, it should prove to be an awesome show.