Sometimes I look out my window when it rains...just to watch the drops hit the ground. I do not like rainy days all that much, but I like to watch the rain anyhow. People let rainy days ruin their plans...Many do not leave their home when it rains because they consider it to be too dismal and inconvenient. I bet if God asked those people if they would rather just get rid of rain altogether, they would vote to have no rain and just nice "sunny" whether year round...

But the rain is part of Nature...part of what makes the earth grow. In the early Spring, we get a lot of rain here....but all summer long we have dry heat and a desert climate. If we did not have the rain in the Spring, we would not have the tulips in my flowerbox every May, and we would not have lush green grass in our yards for our children to play in. Clearly our lives would be less enjoyable. I thank God (or Goddess, who knows anymore) that there is some unstoppable force that controls the fate of this world, because without this force, I am certain that mankind would have gotten rid of rain and ruined the world a long time ago.
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My Beliefs (this I wrote many months before I knew You, Dear)

I believe in myself. I believe in the nurturing and healing powers that I have somehow inherited from a strong line of wonderfully gifted Women. My mother and I have such a close bond that I feel her pain when she misses me. She just has to think of me, and I somehow think of her. You and I call it a "glick", I just call it "Weird" to my mom.

I believe in the goddess I am becoming, and will someday be. I know that I have many strengths that others do not simply inherit. I am lucky. One would think that just having the knowledge that I have...the ability to communicate without speaking and the gift of intuition and foresight, I would be able to use them to create fulfillment in my life. I may be strong, and I may have unique qualities in my life, but without Someone else to believe in me, I have no balance, no fulfillment, and no peace. I want to share my gifts and my abilities with Someone who appreciates me and knows me inside and out. Someone who shows me how to move forward in life, and wants nothing more from me than to see me become....become lovely.

I know that there is One out there who knows what it is to guide me. I know that He exists because I have seen Him in a million faces, felt Him in the wind, and heard His voice in a thousand love songs. He wants only to show me how to create beauty and peace around me and to live in love and balance.
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What I want to be...and What He is.
(When I refer to He, I refer to the He I know is out there somewhere for me. It scares me to think that You bring me such happiness and fit my wants and needs so well!)

I want to spend my life bettering myself for the benefit of myself and Someone else, opening my eyes to new worlds and having new experiences. I want to face challenges, take risks, and say and do things that make me feel shy and tongue tied. Nothing makes me happier than to do a job and know I did it well. Well...one thing makes me happier- to do the same job and do it very well and know that I did it to please Someone else. Knowing that Someone is proud to know me, to watch me develop and help guide me down life's path is very comforting and beautiful to me.

I am ruled by Nature. By my spirit as well as my body. I am naturally submissive in secret, though I put up a few good walls in my life before I realized that they stood in the way of what I am. In my life, work, and hobbies (I.e. My work for CYAO etc...) I am forced to be in control, to make hard decisions and judegements, and to discipline and control the actions and abilities of others. I hate it. It is work to me. It does not come to me naturally, instead I learn how to be the strong one. I learn how to manipulate others to get what my boss, my Council, and my peers want. I have to put on a brave face and fake it through many situations. I do not like the deceit in those responsibilities. But I do them because if I didn't, no one would...and I see a need for a strong person to take charge of things. Someone has to maintain the balance so I do.

This world is so complex...there are so many burdens to be carried, so many responsibilities and choices to make. So many risks and chances to go wrong. I crave submission, for I crave simplicity. I crave submission, for I crave a sense of purpose. I crave submission, for I crave the feeling of letting go of fear and worry and just plain LIVING. The sensation of an approving touch, a proud smile from Someone who knows everything about me...That is sanity to me.

But Who governs the Governor? What would He be like, and why would I choose Him? These thoughts flood my mind and have gone unanswered for a very long time...

He makes me feel beautiful. He tells me without even saying it, whenever he watches my every move, touches me, or even just smiles or laughs at my cuteness. He claims me because He is proud of me, not because He needs a slave, (for many others would happily serve Him,) but because He wants for me to serve Him.

He teaches me to see...with the eyes of a pure soul. Nothing else matters except what we share, what pleases Him, and how we feel. He sees behind my walls, right through them in fact...and then He tears them down. Only He knows me as well as I do, sometimes even better. And although I submit myself to Him, He allows me to be me. I submit to Him not because I want to merely be anyone's slave, but because I want to serve Him. His happiness with me is my peace.

He gives me Peace. If I serve Him well and trust in Him, He shows me unimaginable happiness.  That is the simple and clear path for me. What a joyful escape it is. He shows me how to look inside myself, to analyze myself and find value. He shows me how to be proud of my accomplishments, and He shows me how proud He is of my growth. He does not want to change me, only to help me grow into what I already want to be. That is simplicity. That is natural to me. And it is not work, it brings me pleasure to serve knowing that my life will be rich and fulfilling because of it.

Now honestly, I crave submission most of all because my life seems to run away with me and I don't get to have any control over it. It is good to know that at the end of my day, which I have spent trying to keep up with the world and its demands, there is Someone who welcomes me...who helps me make it all make sense. When the world demands so much from me that I feel I am about to break from the pressure, I REFUSE to submit. I REFUSE to let this world get the best of me and give me no fulfilling rewards in return. I refuse to allow the world to limit me and punish me without compassion. I submit to Him and "the world" does not win. He does. And that is damn nice. I submit to Him and feel His compassion, His devotion, and He moves my soul to dance.

That is fulfillment, and that is my reward.
May He come out of the woodworks and fall in my lap someday...
So Be It