~~~ HOMESICK? - You Can Count on Dad ~~~
Dear Dad, Feb 20, 1998
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of
anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,
a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your Daughter
Chel$ea.
*************
Dear Chelsea, Feb 24, 1998
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh
to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit
of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Things have been NOticeably NOisy NOwadays, with eNOrmous
turNOut
of NOsey moNOpolists, I fear my hoNOr is up a river without a caNOe.
Love,
Your Father,
Bill
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it. The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Van Gogh Family Tree After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia..............U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white......Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois................... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .........Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .......................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst....................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin......................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking.........Wayto Gogh
The little nephew.............................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco......................Ahgo Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie B. Gogh
The following proverbs were collected by a first grade teacher over the years. She gave her classes part of an old proverb and let them fill in the rest.
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You........Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than.........Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The......... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.........How?
Don't Bite The Hand That............ Looks Dirty.
No News Is............. Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A................... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New............... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll............Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.............. Me
An Idle Mind Is.................. The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's................. Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who................. Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is............... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's................. The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What.......... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And.............You haveTo Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As.............. Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not............. Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed............. Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You.......... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind..............Get Out Of The Way.
The World's Shortest Books 25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson 24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres 23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton 22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert 21. Human Rights Advances in China 20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman 19. Al Gore: The Wild Years 18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 17. America's Most Popular Lawyers 16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors 15. Detroit - A Travel Guide 14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 12. Easy UNIX 11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance 10. Everything Men Know About Women 9. Everything Women Know About Men 8. French Hospitality 7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 3. Staple Your Way to Success 2. The Amish Phone Directory And the number one World's Shortest Book: 1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Ode to a Spell Checker ====================== I have a spelling checker I disk covered four my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot see. Eye ran this poem threw it. Your sure real glad two no. Its very polished in its weigh, My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a blessing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays comes posed up on my screen Eye trussed too bee a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore wee rote with checkers Hour spelling was inn deck line, Butt now when wee dew have a laps, Wee are not maid too wine. And now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, There are know faults in awl this peace, Of nun eye am a wear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaws are knot aloud. That's why eye brake in two averse Caws Eye dew want too please. Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye This soft wear four pea seas. --Author Unknown