The Ugliest Home Page in the World
and the 12 golden rules how to make such a page!
by Yodel
Dodel
A Geocities/Eureka Featured Page! (believe it or not).
You have a small business, and you want to create a web
page. You don't have the money to
hire a real pro web designer? Well, didn't you know,
your nephew is real good at computers! He
can make it for you in no time!
After careful study of many small business web pages and
even more personal web pages, I have come to the conclusion
that there is a common style here, which I have tried to
document in this page so your nephew gets started more
quickly. Just let him use this page as a template - he'll get
the hang of it real quick. Have fun!
Hi, I am
Yodel Dodel,
and this is
my home page!
Rule # 1: Use a large title. The larger the better. But don't just use a
plain text header, instead,
make a GIF file, a banner! It does not present any additional
content, but you can use wicked typefaces! It takes a long time to load,
but who cares! On your banner,
tell people
that this is a home page, lest they don't notice.
Large fonts are convenient because they
help to fill the page, so
you have to think less about real content!
green text on a green background!
What a harmonic combination!
It's hard to read,
so visitors will concentrate better
on your page!
Rule # 2: A plain white background is boring. A colored
background is better, but nothing beats a wallpaper, I mean,
a background image!
Make the text color blend nicely with the background color.
Use a dark background image in combination with dark
text, use a light one with light text.
how about another great
banner, it's cute!
banners fill the
page and cost
nothing!
BX
The CIA, NASA. the Pentagon, and the FBI all deny the existence of
The Internet Exchange
This Website
SUCKS!
Rule # 3: Use many many
banners.
Not only the obvious ones, like the
courtesy banner for a great free home page service like Geocities.
No, there is browser ads, plugin ads, mail services, guestbook
services, link exchange services,
banners swaps, web rings, search engines, lots of
things. Saves you creating your own graphics! Also, takes 20
minutes to load the page!
Rule # 4: Use photographs. Lots of them. Don't worry about the file size.
Make them big. GIF files are bigger than JPGs. Color photos make bigger
files than black and white. Another great way to slow down page loading.
Email
me!
Do it
NOW!
Please
come
back
soon
and
visit
me!
Sign
my
Guestbook!
View
my
Guestbook!
Rule # 5: Use many different font colors and sizes. It shows that
you have imagination, fantasy and taste!
Rule # 6: Use GIFs for trivial functions, like
"Sign
my Guestbook", and
"View my Guestbook". The little GIF
that represents the word
"Sign" is a few
thousand bytes large, more than all the text on this page combined!
This is how you give weight to your creations! Even better, show
your mastery of HTML and turn it into an Image Map! If you know
what that is, you're on the right track!
Important Links:
Rule # 7: Create some substantial surf fodder quick!
If writing your own stuff takes too much time,
use LINKS to other people's
pages instead. Saves lots of disk space, too.
Yes, link to
others who have links to others who link to
others who have links to others who link to
others who have links to others.
So your page eventually covers three and a half
zillion information items. Can't beat that.
Use the space on your page generously.
Rule # 8: Make your page LOOOOONG!
Use the space on your page generously. There is a scroll bar on the
right of your window, let people use it! Also, long pages
have more space for graphics. If you get good at creating long
pages, you can make one that takes 12 hours to load! Get in the
Guinness book! Don't even think of subdividing your page into multiple small
pages, that would spoil all the fun.
This page has won the following great awards!
This page is officially recognized awful.
The Prime Awful award
was given to this page by
Eureka
ToDay
themselves!
•
•
This site
has won the
four points
Award!
•
•
The Prestigeous
Award of
ÉLÉGÃÑÇË
was given to
this page!
Proud Winner Of The
@}——}———
Rose Award!
Win Yodel's Flat Face Award!
You want an award? You got it! Just copy the HTML code
shown below and put it on your page! If you are a good sport,
you leave a note in my guestbook telling me you've taken the
award, but you don't have to.
<center>
<table bgcolor=lightgrey cellpadding=5 cellspacing=0 border=0 width=250>
<td> <center><small><a target="_parent"
href="http://geocities.datacellar.net/Eureka/Park/9322/index.html#award"><img
border=0 src="http://geocities.datacellar.net/Eureka/Park/9322/buddy2.jpg width=081
height=125 hspace=5 vspace=5 align=left alt="the Yodel award logo"></a>
</td><td><font color=blue size="-1"><center>
Congratulations!<p>This Site has won Yodel's Flat Face Award!
</center></font></center></td>
</table>
</center>
Congratulations!
This Site has won Yodel's Flat Face Award!
Rule # 9: Awards galore! Win awards! Post your awards! Offer an award!
Awards have several great advantages: They fill the page. They create
admiration among your visitors. So, if you haven't won any awards yet,
make up
a few and post them on your page.
Also, offering an award is a smart thing to do. It suggests you're a great
expert at something. It lures viewers to your page. Make the award winning
process simple. Don't even look at the award winner's page. Don't exchange
any email with the nominees. Make it a self-service award!
Rule # 10: Use background music! Some people
believe it should be the listeners'
choice to turn on music, but you know better: Blast some midi music
at your visitors as soon as they enter your site! They will like it! Their
office mates and family members will like it too! Why? Because what you
put on your page is GOOD and TASTEFUL music!
Since this page was created,
I had
visitors.
Rule # 11: Count how often you visit your own page!
Sometimes, the counter is a bit off through other web surfers
stumbling on your page by mistake, but this is usually just a small
percentage. How can you get your own counter to reflect a few
thousand hits quickly? Just hit the "Reload" button on your browser.
If your page takes, say, 3 minutes to load, you can get 20 hits
per hour, which can amount to over 1000 hits in just one weekend.
The final rule!
Rule # 12: Avoid any content of your own!
The way to success in web page design is not content, but style!
4 instance, greate yoor own schpelling! Fisitors loff zhat. Standard
English spelling is far too easy to read - you should fascinate
your visitors with some originality.
Instead of original content, use all the standard
ingredients for a good web page. If you don't forget any of them, you
get a large, rich page in no time!
To summarize, a good web page has the following ingredients
(and only those):
a very large headline banner
lots and lots of graphics (I mean, lots!)
real large graphics
a background image
Many different colors. Netscape offers hundreds of colors to choose from!
background music
banner swap banners
guestbooks
webrings
links to other pages
awards to give out
awards you received
a hit counter
a button to vote for this site as a starting point hot site
large areas of uninhabited background space
If you know a few more tricks on how to make crappy pages, or
if you can point to somebody else's crappy page,
sign my guestbook and tell us all!
Dodel
