GREGORY SCOTT Thoughts, Memoirs, and Writings...

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Dying to Live I was ten years old and it was a day that has haunted me since. We had two dogs on the farm that gave birth to puppies every spring like clockwork. This year they doubled their output from any other year as Mandy delivered twelve pups and Minnie gave birth to thirteen. They were your typical farm dogs with a little cross between Lab and German Shepard. The pups were anyone’s guess though. They were very protective of their young and often would steal each other’s pups. I think as we were giving them away they must have thought the other was stealing from their litter. The most pups we ever had to give away were twelve, and this year there was more than double that. We as kids fell in love with one little fur ball that was just the cutest little guy you would ever see. My mom was now working three jobs just to keep up the payments on the farm as my dad’s bar was struggling to survive. We were not allowed to keep any of the puppies because the expense was too great at the time. As they grew older and larger the chance of their adoption grew slimmer and slimmer. It was at this point that my mom took matters in her own hands. This was not an easy thing for my mother to do but the cost of feeding all these dogs was a real strain on the already tight budget not to mention the diminishing health that was taking a toll on their mothers as well. The next morning before she went to work she had told me that she had put the puppies in a milk jug and filled it to the top with water. It was my job to take them to the trash pit we had behind the chicken coup. When I went into the barn to get rid of the milk jug their was a whimper coming from inside. As I removed the lid, the puppy we had all become attached to was barely alive with his nose just above water. He was grabbing onto one of the lifeless puppies next to him to stay above water. I was scared and didn’t know what to do at the time. I really loved that puppy, and his sad eyes looking back at me were almost more than I could bear. My mom’s life was already filled with enough problems that most people in her situation would not be able to endure. I did not want to add on to her growing list of things in life to deal with, so wiping the tears from my eyes I grabbed the nearby hose and finished filling up the milk jug. I was shielding myself from those big brown eyes that were looking up at me in despair as I put the lid back on. After about ten minutes I made sure it was all over as I checked inside hoping I failed. His eyes were now closed and his body was no longer clinging to life, as I stood there still trembling from what I had done. I never told my mom what happened to keep her from feeling what I did for all these years and carried the burden myself. I can only imagine what it took to struggle for life an entire night, stepping over your brothers and sisters to hold on with so little air to breathe only to have it extinguished when hope was within reach. I brought them out to the pit in what was the hardest thing I had done to this point in my life. I was truly shaken for quite some time and still wake in the middle of the night with his eyes of desperation looking into mine. I have thought about death a lot lately and it no longer scares me. The thought of that helpless little puppy no longer clouds my mind. The thought of living on the other hand scares the hell out of me. I have noticed that my days seem to be more consumed with the tasks at hand rather than what life has to offer. Spring has arrived and as I sit outside drinking and smoking my cares away… I listen to life. The geese wrestling in the water, to the rain gently coming down the rain gutter to feed the lawn. I realize I am closer to death now than I have ever been. Soon the flowers will be blooming on the numerous crab trees that sprawl the skyline outside my window to announce that spring is finally here. I listen to Norah Jones and imagine a life much different than the one I lead. A simpler time is what I dream as my life crumbles before me like sands in an hourglass that hopelessly sucks me down with every grain. Every day brings me closer to this death I can only envision where my troubles are forgotten. I have to work eighty hours a week to afford to live off poverty. I am too proud to ask for help as my body can no longer sustain the hours and my mind seems to be following the same path at a more regular pace. It won’t be long before I completely lose all sense of sanity. What brought me to this place is a life lived I didn’t want to remember. It was a marriage of seventeen years that was lived and lost. I have but one thing that keeps me alive at this point in which I am truly grateful and that is my beautiful daughter… Megan. She’s an amazing child with all the life that I can only imagine. I live in her eyes and live for her in every breath I take. It took seventeen years to leave a relationship I never wanted to be in yet gave me the one thing in my life more valuable than life itself… the life of innocence. I am thirty-nine now and living alone with the exception of a cat as my sole means of companion. Don’t get me wrong; Ella is a great cat. I just yearn for more conversation than an occasional meow when she wants to explore the outdoors. I see my daughter at least two days a week and sometimes more depending on how many nights her mother wants to go out that week. This summer she will be staying with me full time and to this it keeps me forever living to see the next day. She has blonde hair and beautiful brown eyes with long lashes that she inherited from her father. As I look at her she reminds me of my youth. We are alike in so many ways, besides the obvious physical features, that it scares me that she may take the same direction of her father in life. I see greatness in her athletic 9-year-old body that may produce an Olympic athlete, yet it is her mind that is always dreaming of a greater place that I see more of myself in her. I dream on a nightly basis of what life is and can be for not only her but the world and myself as well. With every divorce there are two sides to every story and I wont bore you with the details, as you would only hear mine. We will leave it as irreconcilable differences. One night after drinking I was witness to another tantrum that ended with a pair of shoes thrown at my face. This was the end of the seventeen years that never existed. Four weeks later I accepted a new job that paid a modest salary in the mid thirties with a huge upside. It was managing a property where I could live on site at a pre-taxed discount. The living arrangements were much better than the couch I had occupied for the last few months before we separated. After all my bills were paid each month and she received her share; it left me with an annual take home pay of $600.00. Drastic measures were in order for this to work. I quit smoking and eliminated my six to twelve cans of Pepsi a day. Fast food was a luxury item now and was only used when I wanted to treat my daughter to a night out at an all you can eat buffet once a month. I have been out on the town once in the last six months and managed to spend forty dollars that night. Which made me feel guilty when my daughter asked for ten dollars the next day for her school lunches which I no longer had access to after spending my last dollar on beer the night before. I had successfully rid my self of all my simple pleasures and had a near empty fridge spotted with a few condiments and a half eaten brick of cheese, and some loaned furniture from a friend to show for my existence. I was now comfortable working two jobs and the prospect of trying to find someone to share the rest of my life with became a sudden priority. After posting a few online dating profiles I had a few dates within weeks that didn’t pan out for one reason or another. One wanted only sex; while the other reminded me of a place I didn’t want to return. It seemed as if I was trying to find faults with everyone I encountered so as not to fall into the same trap I fell in before. It seemed hopeless to find that perfect someone…someone that you know the minute you see is the minute you fall. It has happened before I was married which could easily be confused with lust or puppy love, and I was hoping it was going to happen in the future as well. I imagined the possibility of escaping my marriage of the past in exchange for a marriage of a lifetime. When there is no way out of a relationship is there hope? Hope to love someone that may never exist in your life? When a relationship ends does it really end? If it does end, is there any such thing as friendship after the fight? My life is one big question mark and the answers are getting harder to find every day. I know there is someone out there but where? Where do I find my soul mate when my soul mate doesn’t know I’m looking? I have never been one for fate, and at the same token don’t know how I would give fate a nudge. I have walked by my perfect someone countless times and may have even talked with her but didn’t realize she was looking for me because I was with someone else. Someone I no longer loved. I haven’t been in love for years and my heart seems to be dying from the emptiness inside. I have my friends, family, and most of all, my daughter to keep me sane. My friends tell me it’s to early to start looking again, concentrate on your work and your daughter. How do I know it’s too early if I feel as though I may be too late? My life was about to change in ways I couldn’t even imagine. I was browsing the personals and saw this gal with her tongue hanging out and a goofy smirk on her face. It was hard to tell what she really looked like but the picture itself gave the image of a goofy, quirky, and unpredictable person with a great gift of spontaneity. Her name was Viktoria; the unusual spelling of her name sparked more curiosity. The uniqueness of her name matched the picture that lied beneath. She had long brown hair with a dark complexion and her eyes were closed in a way that showed off her mischievous side. I read on with intrigue in her description to find that she had brown eyes, which of course make me melt. A sucker for big browns is my downfall; like a kid loves chocolate she was my candy store. She was absolutely perfect in every way I imagined. We started up a conversation through numerous e-mails and decided to meet. I was scared. I hadn’t dated in over seventeen years and the thought of rejection after a beautiful e-mail relationship was frightening. Would she show up? If she did show up would she leave? I have gone out with some gorgeous women in the past but she was different. It was her personality through pen that I fell hard. First dates are always uncomfortable. Will you experience writers block in a dating sense and stare at the wall with nothing to talk about. I was like a little schoolboy trying on one outfit after another to make an impression while looking at my daughter and asking her approval. My daughter has great fashion sense and always lets me know what she thinks and what to wear and what not to wear. It was an exceptionally warm January day in Minnesota with the temps in the mid forty’s. I just didn’t know how to look the first day we met and it was getting closer and closer to the time I had to leave. I absolutely didn’t want to show up late on our first encounter and the butterflies were stirring like you wouldn’t believe. Finally, after two hours of preparation, which is an hour and a half longer than it would normally take me, I was ready. I wore shorts and a t-shirt with a casual semi pastel colored flannel shirt over the top. Considering my prep time involved, I can understand my daughter’s frustration with the final product. It was how I described myself and how I lived most of my days protesting the Minnesota winters. It was perfect! My daughter looked at me with a smile and smirk on her face while shaking her head in disapproval. “Good Luck,” she said, in a tone like I would really need it. We were meeting at Minnehaha Falls in Minneapolis and then going out for a bite to eat after that. The falls was a place I spent a lot of time with my grandma growing up and again with my daughter as a dad. In the hundred or so times I had seen the falls I had never seen it in the winter so I was kind of excited to see its beauty in frozen form. We were bold in our e-mails in that we had decided a weekend get-away as our first date. To make matters worse, we had decided that after the falls and a bite we were going to take a four-hour ride to the north shore in the middle of winter to camp and hike. This was not a typical winter though and the forecast was warm for our winter’s standards and the ground that is usually covered with snow was speckled at best with snow with more of the slumbering vegetation in brown as the landscape. The four-hour trip again scared me to death but excited me at the same time. I made it to the falls early about ten minutes before noon. I parked the blazer and proceeded to the falls with my digital camera to get some pictures before Viktoria arrived. I took a deep breath in and calmed myself to the fact that this was either the beginning or the end of what might be or could have been. I looked down over the falls to see a majestic sheet of ice with water cutting through the sculpture as if the artist wasn’t satisfied with the original production. I was in heaven! It was absolutely beautiful. I was taking one picture after another when I focused in on the bridge that went over the falls to see something that made my heart drop four feet it seemed. There she was. Viktoria. She was more beautiful than I imagined as I squeezed the button for the shot. She smiled as her shoulders dropped with her classic smirk that I imagined so many times in my mind. I took another picture as she came over to meet me. She had a confident stride with a hurried step and her hair was gently waving in the wind. It was like slow motion that seemed to take an hour. Time seemed to stand still as my heart was pounding faster the closer she got. Without a word said she put her arms around my back and I instinctively wrapped mine around hers. She looked into my eyes and I couldn’t get enough of hers. As her eyes closed, I pulled her closer to me and she reached in with a soft warm kiss. Her lips were slightly cold from the air but incredibly soft. I couldn’t stop kissing her as her body entwined with mine as we became one. It was one long, soft, gentle kiss after another. In what was only a minute felt like a lifetime for this moment to occur as we surveyed each other’s lips in the cool air that felt like a warm summers day as she warmed my heart with every press of her lips. We backed away from each other with a smile on our faces as she looked at me and said, “I knew you would wear shorts.” She was wearing shorts as well, almost telling of a past experience we never shared making snow angels in our shorts. The nervousness had left my body as we went to her car to load up her weekend supplies for our trip into my blazer. We were like two kids who hadn’t seen each other since the first grade. It was non-stop talking through lunch and the trip up I-35 to Lake Superior. We had so much to talk about and only a weekend to say everything we wanted. What had happened in our lives, jobs, and the occasional stare that had me wonder how I was the lucky one to meet someone so incredible? I sometimes found myself not hearing a word she said. I was in a haze from her voice that exuded happiness of meeting someone that you thought you would never find but somehow was always there. When we reached our destination we set up camp. We weren’t exactly roughing it, as there was a heated camping cabin to sleep in later. Nightfall had set in and I started a fire. The temperature was cooler off the lake than it was in Minneapolis. It was still around thirty degrees and the forecast had it warming throughout the night. As we sat there next to each other in our camping chairs, with a blanket at times to keep us warm when the fire died down, I thought to myself that I couldn’t be happier than I am right now. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and a million stars were shining brightly down upon us as the sparks went into the sky from the fire to meet them. We hadn’t spoken a word for nearly five minutes. I think it was the first time we stopped talking all day. It was like the two first graders were never apart as their lives were now filled with memories that they both seemed to share but never lived. It was at that moment that two deer walked right next to the fire. They stopped to look at us in approval and calmly went on their way. It was approaching dawn as the sun was starting to fill the sky over the lake that we turned to each other as our jaws dropped in unison to what we had both just experienced. I didn’t want to sleep in fears that I would miss out on something more spectacular than what we had just witnessed. Viki leaned over and kissed me again for the first time since we met earlier in the day. We both got up and headed into the cabin were it was cozy, warm and inviting. I was tired but didn’t want the day to end. We set up both beds earlier in the day with sleeping bags and pillows not to be presumptuous that we would sleep together the first night. I crawled into my sleeping bag and looked up as I laid my head down on the pillow to see Viki standing above me with a pouting look on her face. I couldn’t resist as she crawled in next to me. Her bare legs were up against mine and her foot was going up and down my leg to get warm. She came to bed wearing a large T-shirt that she borrowed from my bag that made me wonder what lied beneath. I’m sure she felt something that I was trying to hide under the covers. She smiled and smirked, as she knew I was embarrassed from my newfound excitement in my shorts. She grabbed my hand and gently raised it from her thighs over her bare behind and rested it gently on her naked breast. Her nipple was extremely erect as was something poking her from behind under the sleeping bag. Box scores from baseball games and everything else popped into my head to get my erection down but to no avail. “Goodnight,” she said in a teasing manner as I replied, “That it was.” It was one of the best days I could remember in my entire life. It ranked right up there to my daughter being born but still in a distant second. I thought I was in love and wanted to say something so bad it hurt keeping it inside. I didn’t want to ruin the perfect day with an awkward moment that could make the rest of the weekend unpleasant for both of us. “I know it was just one day but I am so in love with you,” came the words I wanted to say. “I don’t want to ruin our perfect day, but I had to say something and hopefully you wont be mad,” she continued. I was stunned as I lied there hearing what I wanted to say. “I have been looking for you all my life and I cant believe I found you. I’ve loved you since I laid my eyes on your picture in what seems so long ago but feels like yesterday,” I replied, as I felt a second wind coming on as I pulled her close to my body. With that she smiled and fell asleep in my arms as she turned over and put her head on my chest. I must have stayed up another hour watching her sleep as the smile never left my face as we lie there as one. I woke up to empty bed minutes before nine a.m. with just a few hours of sleep and Viki looking over me again. This time she had a look of being irritated. She was showered already with her hair pulled back and resting inside a baseball cap and pulled through the back in a ponytail. She was doing it to me again. I couldn’t resist a good-looking gal in a baseball cap with her hair the way she had it. “Get your lazy ass out of bed! We have a lot to do today and you are not going to sleep our weekend away,” she exclaimed. “Yes maam,” I replied as I quickly got out of bed, grabbed a towel and headed off to the shower. She slapped my ass as I was walking out the door. I smirked this time to match the smirk on her face as we both started laughing out loud. Off I went feeling like we were a couple that had been with each other for years just getting away from the real world for a weekend get-away with no cares in the world. A new bounce in my step was clearly visible as I had the look of, “yah, she’s with me,” and feeling like everyone wanted to be in my shoes whenever they saw her. My gait suddenly slowed and my smile disappeared as I remembered that she was leaving for Australia in June. I had six months to decide and probably more like a long warm shower to see where I wanted this to go. I was so happy that I never wanted this time to end but at the same time I couldn’t be selfish and see her dreams that made her giddy come to an end to suit my happiness. The next six months were going to be incredible or utterly miserable. If that meant that the person I was destined to meet and change my life forever was only to be just a person that I loved for a weekend, she would always remain in my heart forever. She was my new best friend and I was going to treat every day with her as the last day of my life. It was at this point that I realized the trip home tomorrow was going to be our last together. We both knew in our hearts that this wouldn’t last. Our second day together was more quiet and surreal. Time disappeared faster than it happened. Soon the day turned to night and the night turned into the morning sun waking the world for a new day. I felt as if I was preparing for a funeral and not loading my blazer with the memories we just shared. I tried to keep my tears inside while we listened to Norah Jones and reflected on our magical encounter. Hardly a word was said but our thoughts were enough to make the ride as bearable as possible. We loaded her stuff into her vehicle when we got back and I opened my mouth to tell her how wonderful she was. I wanted to tell her that I wanted her to be a part of my life forever and didn’t want her to leave when she put her fingers over my mouth and slowly replaced them with her lips. My body melted from her touch as she moved in close and we embraced one last time. My body was weak and I thought I was going to pass out as she pulled back and smiled. “Thank you,” is all she said as she gracefully lowered herself into her car and started the engine. A tear had formed on my cheek as it froze from the cooling temperatures outside. I have seen Victoria every day since but only in my thoughts. Months had passed and we were getting closer to my present existence and the spring that only meant a new beginning. I wondered how any new beginning could match the beginning that I never wanted to end. I really didn’t want to fall in love with the first person I met after being married for so long. One thing I didn’t realize is that sometimes it just smacks you over the head and there is nothing you can do about it. I just didn’t expect it to happen twice. I was at Borders one night on a semi blind date with someone I had chatted with online. I didn’t dress nice again; had a bandana over my head, with jeans and a t-shirt with a sweatshirt over that. Not your typical first date attire but we decided we would dress casual. My daughter wasn’t around this time to mark her disapproval in my wardrobe choices. I set myself up to be let down before she arrived, and I didn’t want to get too excited and least of all have a good time. I was still separated and didn’t think I deserved to be happy and not after only eight months. It had been years since I had been in love but still only eight months removed from my former life. I was running late and when I arrived I did not see her immediately so I ordered a coke and started to do a little browsing when she brushed up behind me. It wasn’t fair. She didn’t play fair and I had no chance of survival. Have you ever met anyone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with in just the first few seconds of meeting? She lit up the room with her smile and her gorgeous big blue eyes that had me mesmerized made me weak in the knees. When we chatted she told me what her best physical feature was but for the life of me I couldn’t remember. I couldn’t think of what wasn’t perfect. She said she was outgoing but that may have been an understatement. I felt so comfortable and at the same time was wondering what her husband was thinking? He must be clinically insane after talking with her for the first hour as she made me uncomfortable with how she was exactly what I had been looking for my entire life it seemed. She was separated as well and for about the same time frame as I. Kathy was her name and her voice with a smile at the end of every sentence drew me closer to her by every breath. Was this fate? Was it too good to be true? What have I done to deserve someone like this? As we sat and talked for hours I felt my eyes drift away from hers, as I didn’t want to see myself in a relationship so early. As my eyes drifted away though they always came back and focused on hers. At times I didn’t even hear a word she was saying as I went into daydreams it seemed of what our lives would be like in the future. Was I nuts? Thinking that far ahead in just the first hour of meeting? It was at this point that I started looking for flaws… anything that could put me back in control. She stood up and we started to walk around the store. I reached for her hand and our pinkies grabbed each other as we had chatted about online before. I smiled and looked at her with pure amazement. We were like two adults sneaking to get away from our children so we could be with each other. What was wrong with me? She mentioned she was slender and I thought I would get a quick peek at her butt when she moved in front of me to find something wrong and it was this perfectly formed, slightly hidden by her leather jacket, thing of beauty that I was hoping wasn’t there. She turned around and I focused back to her eyes so she wouldn’t catch me in full stare. My arm brushed up against one of her small but firm breasts. I could have died at that moment as something began to arise in my pants. I told her of my condition before we met that it really didn’t take much to get a rise out of me and in public I tend to wear shirts that are a little longer to hide this apparent problem of mine. I moved in close for a kiss and her soft lips were something I longed for in what seemed like an eternity already. Wow! There was no looking back now. Cool had left me and I was utterly alone. There were no faults to be had and she even had a great personality. Damn it, I thought! This wasn’t supposed to happen. I don’t know how long we were in the bookstore and at this point didn’t want the night to end anytime soon. I was hooked. The rest of the night was a blur, as seven hours seemed to escape us in a blink of an eye. Odd that we set our date for St. Patrick’s day, which would have marked my eighteenth anniversary of my meeting my first and only wife. More odd was the fact that over two inches of rain had fallen in an unpredictable Minnesota winter. As we left to go to our vehicles the rain had turned to snow with over two inches now on the ground. I went to warm my vehicle up as she invited me for a nightcap into her Navigator. Not your typical nightcap, and as two law abiding adults, no drinking was involved. I stepped into her domain and wanted nothing more than to get as close to her as possible. I went for her soft lips as I gently kissed her. The next few minutes turned into almost a half an hour as I lost all concept of time. I don’t remember much over that time except that her breath on my neck and ears almost made me faint. It was at this point in the night that I realized if I didn’t get out of her grip my blazer would soon run out of gas. The low fuel light was on for the last five miles before I got there and soon I would be running on fumes. Her visor came down with her reaching for a cd and her only flaw I could find soon surfaced. This really wasn’t a flaw but I was nowhere even close to country as Tim McGraw was soon blaring from her speakers. Somehow though I believed she could turn me country with her smile. I would never admit it as a life long subscriber to rock and roll. Her only flaw was now endearing and I couldn’t take anymore of perfection unless it required removing clothes. We kissed one last time and I left with a rise in my pants that was a reminder of another thing missing in my life. I looked at my blazer and wondered if I would make it to gas station before I would have to walk to get more fuel. I headed for the nearest gas station with the needle now buried on E. It was an absolutely perfect evening with a nightmarish ending in sight that really wouldn’t be as bad had the previous hours not been so heavenly. My luck had changed soon as the one station that I knew of near was closed. It was about seven miles to the next stop and I started my journy through the slush, which coupled with being in four-wheel drive, was reducing my gas mileage. The smile on my face could not be erased as the needle was no longer moving toward fumes but stopped all together letting me know that the light was going to change from “low fuel” to “prepare to walk.” I couldn’t get Kathy out of my head and soon I missed the exit for the twenty-four hour station. It was another four miles home now and my feet were already feeling wet from the impending walk in the slush. Within minutes I was raising the garage door to my town home and the perfect evening turned into something graced by a higher being. The biggest chance I took on the evening was running on empty. Something I didn’t want to happen did and for once in my life I was hoping the biggest chance someone else would take would be on me. Like most Minnesota winters and springs it is reliable to the fact that it’s as unpredictable as a weatherman’s forecast. In the next two days all the snow that had fallen had melted into the near April sunshine. The lake was now in spring thaw and my life seemed to be a little more bearable with the thought of someone to share my experiences with. As unpredictable as the weather was my life was getting more predictable by the hour. It was a few weeks now since I had seen Kathy and her profile was no longer online. I tried to reach her by e-mail and online chatting but her mails came back undeliverable and her existence online was no longer. I had her phone number but it was disconnected. I was starting to wonder if she ever existed and if our night at Borders was real or if my sanity was in fact in question. My days went by like months and maybe my friends were right and I should not think of trying to get into a relationship but worry about the tasks at hand… my job, my daughter, and a divorce I needed to get done. Over the next two weeks I concentrated on my life and what I needed to accomplish to make my life better. Our divorce was finalized and I was no longer paying the $600.00 a month that my ex had wanted me to continue paying but a more reasonable amount in my pocketbook that I could afford of $350.00 per month. I had a six-month review at work and a $6000.00 per year raise with a job offer at a larger complex to boot. I was back to working eighty hours a week as I took on that second job landscaping nights and weekends. I cleared up a few things on my credit report and was now able to get a better rate on a mortgage. I started to look for a house to buy and my daughter was excited if for no other reason than to get a puppy. I was excited in the fact that in the two weeks I accomplished more than in the last six months it seemed. Maybe my friends were right after all. Then it happened. She walked into my office looking for a place to live when I knew. She was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Her name was Laura, and she was returning to Minnesota after ending her marriage. She had a son, Andrew, who was two and full of more energy than she could handle. She had an incredible smile and eyes that made me forget every sentence that she uttered. She could have had the most incredible body you have ever seen or maybe she was so incredibly fat that Jared from Subway may lose his spokesman status to her. I couldn’t get past her eyes and smile to discover any other part of this amazing woman. Michelle, who was my leasing agent, just entered the office from her lunch break and not a minute too late. I must have sounded like a complete idiot as I had her take over the interview and showing process as I went to the pool area to regain some kind of resemblance of a man who was in charge of the property and not some mental escapee from the local Looney bin. She ended up putting a deposit down on an apartment and was approved within days. She moved in shortly after on a weekend that I wasn’t working. A few more days had passed when she came into the office again. This time I was a little more in control of my blubbering self and spent the next half hour chatting with her and walking up and down the paved walkways of our property with her son. We chased ducks and geese and talked about a variety of things that really didn’t matter. It was a lot of small talk but I was interested in knowing anything and everything about her. I did notice that she did in fact have an incredible body and Jared’s job with Subway was safe for the time being. I was in love…there was no mistaking it this time. This was the third time now after my marriage that I met someone that I truly thought I would spend the rest of my life with. This was the one. As magical as it was with Viktoria and Kathy this was different. I have never had a tough time asking someone out and over the next few weeks and about six more encounters with Laura I couldn’t muster up the strength to ask her out. I wanted to. I tried. I just couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. I now found myself going to sleep with her on my mind and waking with her smile in my dreams. It was getting unbearable as the thought of her was starting to consume my every thought. Michelle had to remind me that I could lose my job if anyone found out I was dating someone on the complex. I told her I didn’t care and my happiness was worth losing my job. She at least reassured me that her lips were sealed and she wished me luck but at the same time told me it was a mistake. A mistake perhaps, but a chance at something I wanted more than my house and more than my job was something I wanted so desperately in my life right now. A new job I could find and new houses are on the market everyday. The love of a lifetime comes but once. Someone I could give my entire heart to other than my daughter. That night I sat at the computer and started to e-mail her knowing I would never have the courage to ask her in person with the thought of rejection or better yet…a “yes” at stake. After writing and rewriting and editing and reediting I sat there for ten minutes looking at the final draft. My finger almost shaking as it sat upon the send button for minutes as I finally depressed the key. I watched as the hourglass tipped back and forth as it was trying to send in what seemed like an eternity. It must be an omen I thought as I was going to push the stop button when it suddenly went through. There was no turning back now. I couldn’t sleep at all that night and woke up the next morning as if I didn’t sleep a wink. All day long I imagined getting a call from corporate asking what I was doing sending e-mails out to residents to ask them out on a date. Every time the phone rang I was a little nervous. Every time someone came through the door I got butterflies in my stomach wondering if it was going to be her with a big fat “what are you doing e-mailing me?” My cell phone rang and it was my realtor. Closing was in just a few hours and I eagerly answered the call. She informed me that a tax lien was just placed the day before from taxes I may have owed from my company I owned six years back. I wasn’t going to close on the house and the homeowners had pulled my offer from the table. My life was getting back to normality I guess and the predictability was starting to resurface again. I sat there in utter silence and Michelle asked what was wrong. I told her my closing was canceled. I no longer needed to leave work early but at the same time wanted nothing more than a beer right now to chase down my dreams of homeownership. I went home and checked my e-mail and there it was - A reply from Laura. A million things ran through my head except for the one that appeared on the reply. NO was all I saw and that she was in a relationship for two months and wanted to see where it was going or something in that affect which I just didn’t want to hear. My day was complete and one I would just as soon forget. I went out and bought a case of beer and a pack of smokes and thought I might as well end the day with a little self-indulgence that I hadn’t had in months. So here we are in the present. Watching life begin, as mine seemed to end once again. Depression had never taken such a huge grip on me like it had that night. Norah Jones never sounded truer. Music always seemed to define moments in my life and I thought it was appropriate that the last song I remember was from the 4 Non Blondes entitled “Pleasantly Blue.” I woke up late and still feeling drunk from the night before, I was awaken to the voice of Megan’s mother’s voice piercing between my ears over the phone as a reminder why I didn’t drink and why I was divorced. She riddled my head with an instant migraine listening to her ever-constant hatred for me. I was on my way to pick up my daughter for the weekend and give her the news that we wouldn’t be getting that puppy after all. As I exited the on ramp onto the highway I reached for the radio dial to turn up Pleasantly Blue ironically since it is never played on the radio and I just played their CD the night before. In the time it took to raise the volume and look back up, there was a little, what looked like a gold and black, fuzz filled German Shepard puppy. It couldn’t have been more than 6 months old. It looked as if he was looking at me straight in the eyes. The same look as the puppy in the milk jug so many years ago. This time I couldn’t put a lid on the puppy’s life as I swerved off the on ramp. I looked in the rear view mirror to see the puppy chasing after my blazer. A smile came across my face as the puppy looked at me again this time with a look of, “I knew you couldn’t do it to me again.” My vehicle rested squarely on the beginning of a guardrail that sent my blazer from fifty to dead stop. I was confused and very dazed from the accident. My thoughts were now clear and my headache was no longer present. They say before you die your life flashes in front of your eyes. How would anyone know this if they in fact had died? The one thing they don’t tell you though is in that second before you die your life flashes forward in the next second. A thought that drifts into your mind throughout life is how your funeral would be and how many people would be there. Its almost the first thing you see in the forward life that blends right in with the people grieving right after you die. Its hard to distinguish the before and during and to some extent the immediate time there after. The lives you really touched even though you thought your life may have been insignificant. Its at this point that you are allowed to see what your life would have become if you had been paying just a little more attention to the road. I had led a full and rich life even if it seemed to be empty, and missing that something that makes you want to wake up the next day. For every Laura there is always a Megan to make your life have more meaning even if it’s to bring more meaning to their life than yours. My life could be summed up much like my golf game. In the beginning it was great and tailed off from there. Even at its worst it was always one shot that made you come back for more. At this point in my life or death as it were, I was seeing my daughter graduate from college, getting married, and then holding my grandchildren for the first time made me realize one thing. I wanted one more shot, one more round, one more hug, one more smile, and most of all one more chance. I wasn’t ready to die. I was dying to live! Return to Top