Today is a day, it has a name, but that isn't very important to me. I have found today to be a day of frustrated contemplation. Contemplation about where I am and what road I am treading, I want nothing more to be a musician, a poet, an artist, a thinker. To mold a world of sheer imagination and find a way to live in it, a way to bring on a drug like trance in certain magic times and a place to carry out my actions of a double life almost. I want to find a pallette for my insanity I guess, a world to express my imagination, because it doesn't come out the same as I hear it in this world, no matter what I do to it, it is corrupted by the air. My mind is it's only safe haven, so I have to build a world internally to maintain the beauty I hear in my head. If people enjoy the way it comes out I am grateful for that, and I feel bad they can't see it the way I do. I guess I just don't have the talent to make it perfect...I have tried, and I have found that it is kind of useless to continue to do so, because I am perfectly content in having my own little world, and anyone who gives a fuck seems content adding my thoughts to their perception however it be. I have began to pave the road to achieving my goal I believe, I have experienced trances such as what I strive to achieve. They kind of lead as the inspiration, but I also aspire to have a certain diversity to these, so I can't use them as 100% concrete models. I just have to let instinct and spontaneity fill in the holes. I feel my little goal is being compromised though, by the real world, that which I need to find a shelter from to be able to maintain a positivity and optimism. So now I have to search for some balance, I want to be able to atleast be in a situation where my physical body doesn't have to die for me to find my world, I think it adds an interesting element, but if I lose faith in things suicide always becomes an option. I do want out of the world, and sometimes my experiments and rambleesque bullshit yield to the quick and easy way. I find that to be a weakness, atleast at this point, I don't feel like I am being truthful saying I fear death, but I don't see any reason to rush it, for I don't think I'll get more than one chance here, so I have to make the most of it, atleast for the sake of knowing what it feels like, and having that to carry with me into a realm that isn't so objectively centered. I feel like stopping.

Tonight is yet another night of contemplation for me. Contemplating the fragility and beauty of brotherhood. It's always been here today and gone tomorrow, I don't see why is must be so. It just takes a lot of effort to let the beauty and juices of it live up to their name. Brotherhood takes a lot of effort, no one is perfect and from time to time lines are crossed. Being forgiving is a very hard earned and valuable trait. We all have to live here with one another whether we enjoy doing so or not, there is no reason to make it intolerable for yourself or others. Do your best to love. Do your best to love the fuckups other people go through, and realize the beauty and instinct in them. Remind yourself that those that surround you are animals like yourself. No animal is perfect, the same applies to you. No love is unconditional, but relation and respect are quite enough to keep life pretty and smooth. I love you all...Thanks for being people

I am really happy today. Not too deep, or have anything important to say. And I don't think I've ever really posted anything on here while I was this happy. So I'll just babble and look at it later and see what I think. I'm very tired. I've got too much going on in my life. I need to prioritize somehow, but the things I want are all big projects, and involve putting a shitload of effort in. Some of the things I honestly want the most I've given up on, not completely, but my own solo devotion isn't enough to make them work, and I haven't found the people to work with yet to make them work. So I'm just keeping it in the back of my mind and hoping people pop up, I've tried my heart out for years, but it's just been really really really shaky. I think I want a 2nd family. I've found the most beautiful one in the world. One that would totally take me in. I think I should go for it. It makes it easier to deal with people, but at the same time it's kind of boring to me. That's a weird catch. Ok I'm done...Love you

Today isn't particularly signifigant at all. Just another coded and boxed collection of hours between blocks of sleep. I just thought I'd write becaues I haven't in a while, and if I get in the habit of slacking off with this site, I'll never get back to working. That's one thing about us humans, we're real habitual creatures. I didn't believe that for a while, in a sense I still don't 100%. But definately in some aspects we're very habitual. Once we're used to doing something, it just kind of happens, whether we want it to or not. And if we try to do something sick, then it just feels really wrong. Things feel out of balance. And that's what habit boils up to, balance. Equilibrium. I had to do a bunch of new shit at work today. It sucked, I knew beforehand that it was going to suck, and I didn't ask to do it. It's usually stuff they do to award people, a prelude to "promotion." I still think it sucked, and if they promote me I think I'll quit. I don't want to move up the scale, and I don't want to do something I don't want to do. If I got promoted that is exactly what would be happening, and I won't let it happen at any cost. I've got too much to lose. I said it. Ok...Other than that life is pretty good. I wanna jump and dance and play, and be a child. Be naive, those are beautiful things to be.

"A dead wasp today told me not to be afraid, but I didn't listen, couldn't force myself to." I'm kind of thick. Closedminded even you could say. It's a fair choice of words. I think it's a certain "beated instinct" to fear certain creatures. Overcoming that is quite a battle. | I am happier than I ever will be, and you can't stop me. Interest, valid instinctual interest is more beautiful than anything physical. And I'm interested in something right now, and it feels so good. It's a drug, and it makes control much easier, it makes being easy much easier. I wish I could feel this forever. I'm pleading.

Lindsay. Such a pretty name and such a strange representation in my life. Just to clear the doubt lindsay's this girl I like quite a bit. She's a very awesome figure, but I'm still getting over the flaws of a personality, something everyone has to deal with in interaction with everyone else. I'm trying to weigh it all on a scale and come to a sincere decision on how to handle the situation. But there's a magnetic attraction and an intriguing weirdness that just won't let her out of my mind. I probably would just say fuck thinking it out so much, relationships are cored in instinct anyway. But I think that mindstate has plagued my last few relationships and I'm trying to be careful and fragile this time. If I am to get in something I want it to be very deep, and serious, and very long standing. I want there to be love. And that is a word I use in that context with an uncanny hesitation anymore. I wish it was as easy as being the romantic fuck I've always been "blessed" with being. But I simply don't want it to be that easy. I get so caught up in being this character I lose track of some things, and others just go way under my line of perception and become the simple things that weren't enough. I'm babbling and not coming to a point. There's a certain naivity in all that. Sweet revelation. Talking to myself is great, because it's always right under my nose. Love you all

I'm such an ungrateful little fuck. Why can't life be happy all the time? I don't know. But I do know I shouldn't lay blame on anyone or anywhere. Is it my fault, as much as it is yours, none at all. But I just can't accept that, why keep these fingers if not to point them, even as I play guitar, and pour beauty into my life, pointing fingers all along. I love things so much, and I keep saying it. But I really have a hard time finding beauty in my life. I love you are the 3 emptiest words I have bothered to say and have seemed that way for as long as I'll bother to remember right now. I've got a portal to a world where I don't care, not where it's any better but I don't care. I've got the easy way out laid out on it's back 2 rooms down, and the temptation is overwhelming. But here I am on my computer, talking to myself. And doing it with such grace and tranquility, why can't I appreciate it? Maybe it's something in the wine, the blood of the martyr inside me. Maybe it's the way the trees blow my hair through locks and open doors. Maybe it's not something I should try and figure out. I just want to love, and be loved. But I misplace my attention deficits and it rips a hole I don't need, in a place I don't need it. I love you...Maybe it will start meaning something.

I am buddha

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