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(10) A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks,
"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere."
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(11)A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while
St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy
is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books
several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You
know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your
life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what,
if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in
your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this
one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a
giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor
girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and
sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing
this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire
iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader
of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and
a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up
to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle
around me.
So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over
the head with the tire Iron. Then I turn around and yell to
the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone!
You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before
I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
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(12) The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors hadcome to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.
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(13)Collections
A catholic priest, a protestant minister and a rabbi were discussing how to handle the contributions to the church.
The priest says; I take a piece of chalk, draw a circle, throw the money up and whatever land in the circle is God's, and the rest is mine.
The minister says: I draw a line, throw up the money and whatever lands on the far side is God's, and what lands on my side is mine.
The rabbi says: I throw up the money and whatever God wants he takes- and what comes back down is mine.
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(14)Two guys were walking through the jungle. all of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.
One of the guys takes out a pair of 'Nikes' from his bag and starts to put them on.The other guy with a surprised look on his face exclaims, 'Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?
His friend replies:
I don't have to outrun the tiger, I just have to run faster than you!
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(15)A Lesson in Political Science
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else.
Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk down the drain.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Anarchy: You steal neighbour's bull, and shoot the government.
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