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Howdoo,
I aint got time fer much talkin on accounta I got ta
git over to tha jail house ta see my frens Loretta an
Bessie Spooner. Tha sherrif has em locked up fer whut
he sed wuz salt an battery an makin a riot. It wernt
reely all ther fault tho on accounta tha feller they
salted wuz jest a old hammer head. I'm takin em some
pork chops an biscuits. Loretta sed she is plum tired
of that fried balloney tha sherrifs wife brings to
tha jail house ever day.
Wellsir, I'll tell yall bout these two wimin.
Them's
some high steppers an they are mitey fine folks but
sometimes they do git inta some messes an git ta be
downrite problemsome. They are first cuzzins but that
there aint why they got tha same last name. Nosir,
whut they done wuz ta marry up with twin brothers,
Roy and Roi Spooner. Them boys mama named em with
names that sounded jest alike on accounta she cudn't
tell em apart an didn't want em ta know it. So she
give em names thet sounded jest alike sos when she
called one of em they wudn't know. Them two boys is
like two peas in a pod. Whut I mean is nobody can
tell em apart. Loretta an Bessie caint neither, but
Bessie sez it don't make no difference on accounta
they are both zackly alike anyhow.
Roy is tha britest one of tha two. He gits
downrite
scietifical an is a deep thankin feller. One time we
wuz at tha barber shop an I ast him how long it had
been sense he had a haircut on accounta he looked
like one of them long hairs that I seen on tha TV. He
sed it had been about two "ergels". I ast him whut in
the world is a ergel and he said it wuz a new way a
keepin track a time. He sed it wuz sumthin he
invented. So I ast him jest how long is a ergel an he
sed it is tha amount of time thet it takes fer dog
poop ta turn white. See, that there is whut I mean
about him being scientifical.
Now Roi aint no smarter than a turnip. But he's a
nice feller, an he is tha one thet got all them folks
enuff money ta live rite nice. Whut he done wuz ta
make a reel valuble discovery. One time when he wuz
diggin a pit fer a new outhouse he found some kinda
funny lookin stuff thet wuz found out later ta be
zepherite. Now zepherite is tha stuff thet them folks
that makes glue fer labels puts in it sos ya caint
git them labels off a whutever it is ya buy with a
label on it. Roi an Roy got tha onlyest zepherite
mine in this part of tha country so when they need
sum money they jest dig some up an sell it.
They all live south of town in that big house on
tha
hill on that old rocky farm. They got a whole passel
of kids, bout fourteen I reckon. All them kids calls
both Bessie and Loretta mama cause they just thank
that they got two mamas. Bessie and Loretta don't
zackly know which ones is which anymore nohow.
One day I seen em an a bunch of them kids at Pop
Webber's
Grocery and Gas Station an one of them kids wuz
messin around by tha fruit counter an I heerd Loretta
say, "Willie, put down that bananner". Tha kid sed,
"I aint Willie, Maw, I'm Josh". She sed, "Well
whoever ya are put down that bananner". An it's like
that there.
Thurs bout twelve of them kids that goes ta tha
Possum Flats Grade School. Ever year fer tha past six
years Bessie an Loretta has gone ta tha school ta git
two more of them kids rolled in that place, an ever
year it's tha same kinda argufyin thet goes on ta do
it. Tha school feller sez, "Whuts this younguns
name"? Then one of them wimin tells him. Then he sez,
"Whuts tha daddy's name", an one of em says Roi or
Roy, an tha school feller always rites down "Roy".
Then he sez, "Who's tha mama", an they say, "We are".
An he sez, "Who are". An they say, "We are". An it
goes like that fer a spell till he finally jest rites
one a ther names. So at that school they figger that
Roy has twelve kids an has two wives.
Last month they went ta nother one of them PTA
meetins. Ther has been lotsa talk round town bout tha
kids not learnin much at that school so Bessie an
Loretta figgered that maybe they orta go to tha
meetin ta see ifn they cud help fix tha problem. Tha
other folks wernt too happy bout seein them two show
up at tha meetin on accounta tha last time they wuz
ther one of em slipped a crawdad into tha punch bowl
an when one of them other wimin wuz dippin out some
punch an seen that claw a stickin up outa that bowl
she hollered reel loud an throwed punch all over four
other peeple that wuz standin ther.
But this time they didn't bring no crawdad. The
principal from tha school wuz gonna do some splainin
bout how much tha kids wuz learnin an Bessie an
Loretta wuz gonna listen. Wellsir, tha principal sed
that he had heered about how some folks thinks that
tha kids wuzn't learnin enuff but he sed that they
wuz learnin tha kids some good thangs. He sed they
wuz ministerin to tha kids as a whole an thet he wuz
makin shore thet they wuz gainin self esteem. Well
now, thet didn't set too gud with Bessie an Loretta
an Bessie stood up an sed, "Now hold on ther, you
sound like a idjit. Our younguns holes don't need no
ministerin an they don't need no more steem neither".
He said, "Madam, what I am saying is that we are
making them feel good about their own selves". Then
Loretta sed, "Why wud anybody feel gud bout therself
ifn they don't know nuthin? These here younguns need
ta learn readin and ritin an how ta do cyperin. They
can feel gud bout therselves when they catch a fish
or fly a kite". Well, tha principal didn't like that
but he didn't say no more bout it.
Then two days later Homer, one of ther younguns
wuz
sent home from school with a note thet sed he wuz
dispelled on accounta he had brot a dangerus
substanse ta school. Well whut it wuz, tha boy had
fell down a couple days before an had skint his arm
so one a his mamas had docterd his arm with a poltice
made from stump water an mashed up sassyfrass root.
Then she give his sum in a little can ta put on when
thet wore off. That ther principal sed it wuz not
allowed in school. Bessie an Loretta sed they wuz
gonna go see tha idjit. They wuz purty rankeld bout
it.
When they got ta tha school they jest went rite inta
that fellers office. He wuz settin behind his desk in
a big chair. I peeped thru tha winder sos I cud see
whut they wuz gonna do. An I slipped tha winder open
jest a tad sos I cud heer whut they wuz gonna say.
They stood in front of his desk an Bessie sed that he
orta learn whut is dangerus an what aint. Then
Loretta sed, "That's rite. That ther poltice aint tha
least bit dangerus but we mite be, you beady eyed
little twerp". Then she reached across tha desk an
sticked her fanger rite up that fellers nose an
lifted him rite up outa thet chair. He cum up rite
quick too an wuz standin on his tippytoes in no time
whut with her fanger rite up betwix his eyeballs.
Then Bessie reached inta her pocketbook an took out a
little squirrel and grabbed a holt a that fellers
belt an an pulled it outwards an stuffed that
squirrel rite down inta his britches.
Wellsir, it got plum excitin then. That squirrel
musta been rite scart on accounta he commenced ta
clawin an scratchin an bitin an that probly wuz tha
hollerinest dancinest jumpinest school principal in
tha whole country rite then. He run out from behind
that big desk an undid his britches rite quick an
pushed em down ta his ankels. Thet squirrel like ta
run over me comin outa that winder an didn't stop
runnin till he wuz at tha top of tha oak tree across
tha road. Two of tha schools teachers wuz walkin past
tha principal's office when they heered all that
commotion inside. So one of em opened tha door an
seen him with his britches down around his ankels.
Bessie sed ta one of em, "Look here at this letcherus
old fool, an us bein here ta talk serious bout our
youngun". Loretta sed, "Yall orta lock this yahoo up
befoe somebody kills him". Then they went on home.
Wellsir, one a them teachers called tha law an
told
tha sherrif that tha principal wuz bein indecent an
tha sherrif come out an took him ta jail. Tha
principal called tha lawyers, Steele and Plunder and
they come down an after awhile tha sherrif got tha
story told to him strait. Now tha sherrif he is
downrite legal minded. He sed he looked inta all his
lawbooks an cudn't find whur ther is a law agin
stickin yer fanger up somebodys nose. But he come out
ta tha Spooner place an give Bessie and Loretta a
ticket fer cruelty ta animals. And Homer, wellsir he
went on back ta school tha next day an ther wernt no
more sed about it. Judge Smudkin fined Bessie and
Loretta ten dollers an they sed it wuz werth it.
Now I reckon yer a wantin ta know whut them two is
in
jail fer an I'm bout ta tell ya rite now. Ya see it
all started when one a ther younguns, named Seth,
seen a yeller chicken suit in a catalog thet wuz in
ther outhouse. Thet boy wanted that chicken suit reel
bad, an he got his self a job at Sudders dairy a
feedin cows an saved up his money an sent off fer it.
Oh, he wuz rite proud a that suit an took ta wearin
it ta tha ball games an such an made all tha little
younuns laff at his carryin on, a prancin around an
fallin down an such as thet.
Then it wuz time fer tha Old Settlers Parade an big
doins in town. Seth sed he wuz gonna wear his chicken
suit an be in tha parade an he wuz rite happy bout
it. Wellsir, when Bessie an Loretta went on ta town
ta watch the parade Seth come up ta em an he wuz plum
slowder faced an sorryful. He sed that old man
Wooster, tha mayor, had done told him that this is a
parade bout old settlers an thur wernt no place fer
enybody a wearin a chicken suit. Wellsir, that ther
wuz a bad mistake. He shudn't a did that. Them two
wimim didn't like that old man anyhow. The onlyest
reason thet he is tha mayor is on accounta he owns
tha buildin wher tha town office is an so he has
called his self tha mayor fer thurty years.
Bessie an Loretta had a little set to with tha
mayors
wife, old lady Wooster bout a year ago. Tha sherrif
come out an thet old lady wuz with him, standin rite
behind. She wears one of them big haired wigs
everwher she goes an aint got but one tooth an it's
rite in front. Bessie ast tha sherrif what he wanted
an that old lady spoke up an sed thet some of tha
Spooner boys wuz stealin her watermelons. Loretta
told tha sherrif, "This here old horsefaced biddy is
lyin thru her tooth". That there wuz tha end of it.
So Bessie an Loretta figgered thet they wud go see
tha mayor an tell him whut a dumm thang he had did a
tellin tha boy thet he cudn't be in tha parade.
They found old Wooster by tha post office an
Bessie sed,
"You weasel faced old coot, aint you never heered of
pioneers a havin chickens"? Then she grabbed a holt
of both of his ears and shook him rite hard an bout
than time Loretta jumped on his back and locked her
laigs around his middle an they went tumblin ta tha
ground. Wellsir, then with Loretta a holdin him rite
tight Bessie shucked his brithches off jest rite now.
An with Loretta still a holdin him Bessie went ta tha
flag pole in front of tha post office an hauled down
tha flag then tied them britches rite under it and
hoisted em up tha pole rite to tha top. Then she run
over an pulled off one of old Woosters shoes an tied
it ta tha end of tha rope an throwed it onto tha roof
of tha post office sos nobody cud git them britches
down from tha pole.
Loretta let old Wooster up then an he went ta
runnin
around an hollerin fer help an he shor looked funny
in them pokey dot drawers. Old lady Wooster seen it
all from cross tha street but had ta wait till tha
Ladies Decency Societee wuz finished marchin by then
she come runnin over ther a hollerin that Bessie and
Loretta wuz unkooth an sech as that. Loretta snatched
that big haired wig rite offn her head an throwed it
an it landed rite on tha point of a speer that Hunky
Spivins wuz carrin in tha parade, him bein dressed
like a wild injun. Hunky thot that wuz funny an he
held tha speer up rite high sos everbody cud see that
he wuz a mean injun on accounta he had him a scalp.
Old lady Wooster wus clutchin her head an hollerin an
watchin her wig on thet speer a goin on down tha
street.
Bout thet time tha Possum Flats High School Band
come
a marchin down tha street a playin an a prancin. Tha
Wooster's boy, Blister, seen whut wuz a happenin an
stopped a blowin on his trombone an come a runnin ta
help his maw an paw. Wellsir, Loretta grabbed a holt
a thet trombone an bent that slidin part of it into a
U shape. Thet boy wuz jest mumyfied then an didn't do
nuthin. Tha band stopped playin an wuzn't marchin no
more on accounta them kids wuz all wantin ta watch
tha citement an Percy Whitter tha band leader wuz all
flusterated an kept on a tootin on his whistle an
flappin his arms tryin ta lead a band thet wuzn't
playin nuthin.
Then tha Possum Flats Womens Garden Club come marchin
inta tha band on accounta tha band wernt marchin no
more. Purty soon ther wuz jest a big crowd a peeple
ther that wuzn't ther before. After that tha Possum
Flats Volunteer Fire Department come marchin inta tha
Ladies Garden Club an it got ta be downrite confusin
round there. In a little while Percy got that band
back ta playin an marchin an tha garden ladies got ta
goin on too.
Wellsir, Bessie an Loretta seen tha sherrif a comin an figgered that he wud be rite rankled up at all tha carryin on. When he got ta wher the fire department wuz marchin he told tha chief. Lester Dowkin that he needed ta git some of his fellers ta git tha mayors britches down offn thet pole. Lester told him it wernt no emergency an thet his fellers had been waitin all yeer ta show off ther new fire engine an that tha mayors britches wud haff ta wait till tha parade wuz over. Then tha sherrif took in after Bessie an Loretta an they run an jumped up on that fire engine. An when that sherrif tried ta reach up ther an pull em off both of them wimin got one of them foam fire extinguisers an foamed him down reel good. He looked like a snowman an walkin along ther. Tha crowd thot that wuz rite funny but tha sherrif didn't laff none atall. He finally got em down an took em ta jail. So I gotta go see them two wimin now. I reckon tha sherrif will let em outa ther tomorra. That there is tha news from down home taday. Yer fren. Dugan Lunker |
© 1998 alien_ru12