QUESTION: I NEED HELP... MY HUSBAND IS 29 AND I AM 20. IN THE PAST YEAR, HE HAS BECOME EXTREMELY ABUSIVE. I GUESS I MARRIED VERY YOUNG (18). I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO BE SINGLE AND HAVE ANY FUN. ONCE IN AWHILE I WILL GO OUT WITH MY FRIENDS. LAST SAT. I STAYED OUT UNTIL 1:00AM. WHEN I GOT HOME HE WAS WAITING FOR ME, HE THEN STARTED TO HIT ME AND CHOKE ME AND ASK ME WHERE THE HELL I WAS. AFTER THAT HE WENT TO BED AND IN THE MORNING WE BOTH PRETENDED THAT NOTHING HAPPENED. HIS BROTHER AND WIFE STAY WITH US, AND I WAS TOO EMBARASSED TO SAY ANYTHING. MY MOM KNOWS THAT HE HAS HIT ME ONCE OR TWICE, AND I TOLD HER HE IS DOING BETTER AND HAS NOT TOUCHED ME. HE ALWAYS MAKES SURE NEVER TO LEAVE ANY MARKS SO "NO ONE WILL NOTICE". I AM AFRAID THIS WILL KEEP HAPPENING. AS LONG AS I STAY HOME OR ONLY GO OUT FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS HE IS FINE. WHAT CAN I DO??? I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO... AM I STUPID??? PLEASE HELP SOMEONE.
ANSWER:
You are not stupid and the abuse is not your fault. You have a lot of courage to seek help for your situation. You are right in that the abuse will continue unless you take action. There are always options available, and it will not be easy. Contact your local crisis line in your community. You should be able to discuss what options and resources are available to you. If you do not have a local crisis center, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or me at mandy62657@yahoo.com, and I will assist you in finding an appropriate resource for you.
QUESTION: I have several question,the first is what makes a person abusive ? Can it be inherited ? I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. When I met him, he was married. I know that when his wife left him, he held her at gun point because she was leaving him, but he didn't hurt her. I don't thing he abused her. In fact he still speaks highly of her. I'm married. Several days after his wife left him, he started to change. He became insecure, angry,controlling & possessive, He called me a whore, and grabbed and shoke me in front of my child. Of course then he said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. Once when I stated to break up with him, we were arguing, he hit me and gave me a black eye. I said to him would you want anyone hitting your mother, then he said to me don't talk about my wife of my mother because you're nothing like them. I do know for a fact tha his father was abusive to his mother. When I told his mother, her comment was , she didn't raise her son to hit women.I also know that mental illness runs in his fathers family. By the way he has never hit me since this incident,but he was called me a whore in front of his friends and has left threatening messages when we have argued. Again this hasn't happened in 3 years. Do I still need to be concerned ? What is the likelihood of it not happening again ? I don't think I'm afraid of him.
ANSWER: Abusive behavior has to do with an individual's need for power and control. It is generally a learned behavior, and it does not have to be physical to be abusive. He has already abused his former wife, your child, and you. It is likely he still is abusing you and your family and will continue to abuse you and your family unless you terminate this relationship. You indicated that you were married with a child and you need to focus your energy on your relationship with your husband and child. You need to take action and make good choices for yourself, at least for the safety of your child. Contact your local crisis center to see what options and resources are available to you. You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for further assistance.
QUESTION: Can childhood sexual abuse lead to an early onset of menstruation in a nine year old half-Caucasian half Oriental female child? She has also been developing breasts and pubic hair for the past year. We suspect sexual abuse on the part of mother's boyfriend but have no concrete evidence or proof. If abuse has taken place, we doubt that mother has any knowledge. We do know that there is a history of violent behavior by the boyfriend towards the mother. Put another way, does the develoment of menses, breasts, and pubic hair by the child indicate a greater liklihood that sexual abuse has taken place?
ANSWER: No, sexual abuse and the onset of menses, breast development, and pubic hair are not related.
Some girls who are 9 yrs old do start their adolescent changes - if there is any concern, she should be seen by a pediatric endocrinologist. Talk with the child and see what she says. Also talk with the mother - she should at least know that there are some suspicious and worried people around.
QUESTION: My daughter was sexually molested by her 4 year old female cousin. This happened when I was away in my home, when my husband and the cousin's father were watching them. They let the 2 girls inside the home, while the two sons and the men cleaned up outside. They were in the home for 10 minutes. When the men came in my daughter had all her clothes off. I came home the following day and my daughter was red down there, she wet her bed three times that week (which she has never done, she was potty trained since 1). My daughter tells me two weeks later that her cousin touched her and punched her on her front side and back side. I was angry, crying- I told the child's parents. I asked them to get their daughter professional help or I wouldn't let them by one another. No help came. They found out she and a girl from her daycare(age 6) were doing similar things to one another. Their daughter is still at the same daycare with the same girl. At that time (this happened in the Fall) my daughter was afraid of her cousin and didn't want to see her. I told my daughter what happened was very wrong of the cousin and reassured her that she (my girl) didn't do anything wrong. And that she should ALWAYS tell when someone hurts her. My daughter talks and understands very well. Weeks later the brother of this cousin who is 7 grabs my sons crouch (although his jeans were on, not under the jeans just on top of ). Again I tell the parents they say they will get their kids conselling they don't. The kids have so many problems. Parents have been split up, they have moved around a lot, they swear, are violent towards others and do very sexual things to themselves or talk about sex. They are only 4 and 7. I want them to get help. I am afraid they could hurt others again. I have seen the children but leave my kids with my parents when I do. Months have went by and my husband's family wants us to forget what happened and start putting our children back in the same room. (although they said that counselling was best for these kids when it happened as well). I can't in my heart do this. I think my children have forgotten what happened, even though my daughter was tramitized at first. However she does not talk about it anymore, I wanted her to forget. But when she brought it up I would positively reinforce the fact that what happened was wrong and that she shouldn't ever be touched like that. And she should always tell.
How soon should/would it be OK for them to be in a room together? Should I hold my ground and demand for them to get counselled consistently first? This is what I want but I am getting blamed for tearing the family apart. Our family is very Christian oriented and I have forgiven them (it is NOT the child's fault they are only acting out) however should I chance my children's welfare so that their children aren't outcasts? This makes holidays difficult because everyone wants to get together. And yet although our children did nothing wrong we are the ones who have to make the sacrifice...Help!
ANSWER: It is likley that a cycle of sexual and even verbal abuse is happening within the home. The adults could be sexually abusing the children, and the children abusing each other.
Don't allow your children anywhere near them without you if you can help it. If you MUST be in the same house, sleep WITH your children, stay with them when they are alone. Don't ever let the other children or parents near them. DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE.
Sexual abuse leaves life long mental scars. You may forgive, but your children won't forget, Don't let them be abused any further.
You are right to encourage counselling, but you may even need to take the matter into your own hands and report it. How many other children are being abused or likley to be abused? Are the parents sexually abusing the children? You may not know, but it is o.k. to report suspected child abuse to your local police department, or call 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
