Funny Jokes

WE DIDN"T DO IT!! There were two boys who lived in London. They were so bad, their mother decided to take them to the minister. The oldest ran away and hid, so the mother only took his younger brother. The young boy was very scared of the minister, as were all the kids, and was trembling as the minister talked to him. "WHERE IS GOD?" The minister said. The little boy cowered in the chair. "WHERE IS GOD?" The minister said, louder. The terrified little boy said nothing. Then the minister yelled, "WHERE IS GOD?!!" The petrified boy jumped off his chair and ran home as fast as he could because he was so scared. He got home, and ran into his brother. His older brother asked, "What's wrong?" The little boy exclaimed, "God's missing- and they think we did it!"

TOP THINGS YOU DON"T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

1. "Oops."

2. "Oh no, I forgot my glasses again."

3. "Dang it, not again!"

4. "Hey bring that back! Bad dog. These bones are not for you!"

5. "Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."

6. "Shoot, I can't get my arm out of her back. We're going to have to cut it off."

7. "And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."

8. "That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch?

9. "What? The doctor isn’t coming? Oh well, I guess we'll have to try to do this surgery ourselves."

10. "What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?"

11. "Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

12. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot- the guy's got two of 'em."

13. "Could you stop that thing from thumping, it's throwing my concentration off."

14. "You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise him."

16. "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"

17. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.... thingie."

18. "Um, is this thing supposed to be moving? Cause I think it's about to choke the patient."

A Fractured Dictionary

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-eyze\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag

was full of loot

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: how to remove your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\: the kind of, like, cool boat that, like, runs underwater, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: brought litigation against a government official

BEWARE ZE VIPER

A lady was cleaning her apartment building, when she got a call. The only thing the person said was "I am ze viper. I am coming." The lady brushed it off as a prank call, until she got another one. "I am ze viper. I am coming." She was a little worried, but didn't do anything. Then the phone rang again. "I am ze viper. I am coming." So the lady called the police. A few minutes later, her doorbell rang, and she was relieved because she thought it was the police. She opened her door, and there was a man with a mop and a pail. "I am ze viper. I have come to vipe ze vindows."

LANGAUGE BARRIERS

An immigrant, who needed money, found a job in a bakery. He couldn’t speak much English, but the bakery owner just explained to him what he needed to say. “If a customer comes in, and asks ‘How much is this bread?’ tell them ‘Five, Ten, Fifteen cents.’ ” The bakery owner said. “ If they ask, ‘How fresh is it?’ tell them, ‘Fresh, fresh, very fresh!’ ”
“ If they ask, ‘Should I buy it?’ say, ‘You better do it or someone else will!’

The immigrant agreed, and the bakery owner put him on thenight shift.
Then a burglar broke into the store. “How much money do you have?” The criminal said.
“Five, Ten, Fifteen cents!” The immigrant replied.
“Are you being fresh with me?” The crook demanded.
“Fresh, fresh, very fresh!” The immigrant replied.
“Do you want me to shoot you?” The furious crook exclaimed.
“You better do it or someone else will!”

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT

A blonde in a red sports car was driving in the country one day when she spotted another blonde rowing a boat in a wheat field.
She angrily got out of her car to yell at her. "IT'S BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT MAKE BLONDES LIKE US LOOK STUPID !!!
The boater didn't say anything.
The blonde on the road yelled again. "I said, IT'S BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT MAKE BLONDES LIKE US LOOK STUPID !!!
The boater didn't say anything.
The blonde on the road yelled again. "I said, IT'S BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT MAKE BLONDES LIKE US LOOK STUPID !!!
The boater replied, "YOU WANT TO COME SAY THAT TO MY FACE?”
The blonde on the road shook her head. "I CAN'T- I CAN'T SWIM!"

HOW TO CLEAN A CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that it cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG

READY, AIM, FIRE!

Three spies were captured and brought to the enemy camp to be executed. One was smart, the other average, and the other was an idiot. So they lined the smart one up first to be shot.
The commander yelled, "Ready, Aim-"
"FLOOD!" the smart spy yelled.
Everyone turned to look, and she ran off.
Then they lined the average one up next to be shot. The commander yelled, "Ready, Aim-”
"TWISTER!" the average spy yelled.
Everyone turned to look, and she ran off.
Then they lined the idiot up to be shot. The commander yelled, "Ready, Aim-"
"FIRE!" the idiot yelled. She was shot.

PET’S PEEVES

1. Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

2. Dog: “Why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!”
3. Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy! Fish flakes!

4. Cat: Sharpen claws on one dumb curtain and it’s curtains.
5. Parrot: Tease, tease, tease—but do those greedy people ever really give me a cracker?
6. Cat: Why are there people in my house?

BOOKS THAT WON’T SELL

1. The Amish Phonebook
2. The Abridged ABC’s
3. Why Books Are Bad For You
4. How To Teach Yourself To Read
5. How To Save Trees (30 volume set)
6. 200 Ways To Cook A Pig
-by rabbi Warnic

DOWN THE RIVER

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down. The song leader then stood and announced, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’ ”

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