Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with
the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before
returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd
never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position
and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food
up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the
box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)"
She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind
the counter... "I'll take one."
He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She
gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what
it says to do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not
appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume.
She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing.
She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions
again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the
paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints
earlier today, I'll be right over."
After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything
according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and
says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE
TIME!"
This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care.
She's busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband.
She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh CRAP!"
The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?"
He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"
She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."
He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase?"
1. That shirt looks very becoming on you...of course if I were on you I'd be coming too.
2. If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me...Please?!
3. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
4. Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.
5. Is you father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes!
6. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
7. That dress looks nice...of course, it'd look even better crumpled up in the corner.
8. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.
9. Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in your pants.
10. Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that that pops up!
11. Would you like to have breakfast tomorrow? Should I nudge or call you?
12. (Check female's shirt tag)... Just as I thought, made in heaven.
13. Were your parents Greek gods? Because it takes two gods to make a goddess.
14. Pardon me Miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours.
15. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!
16. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really, what time?
17. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
18. My face is leaving in 10 minutes...are you gonna be on it or not?
19. Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't you name Gretchen?
20. Do you have any Filipino in you? Would you like some?
21. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
22. I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?
23. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it came in?
24. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
25. If you and I were squirrels, could I but a nut in your hole?
26. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
27. That's a nice shirt...could I talk you out of it?
28. (Female at the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help?
29. That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
30. Hey baby, you wanna see something swell?
31. Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced nipples...
32. Are you religious? Cause I'm the answer to all your prayers.
33. I love every bone in your body...especially mine.
34. (With hands on shoulders) OH, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
