Rating: PG-13. Some disturbing imagery
Category: Duh...see the TITLE...ANGST ANGST ANGST
Disclaimer: The Star Wars universe and all characters therein belong to Lucasfilm. No profits have been made from this story. The only thing I got was a headache.
Thanks: To betas Jim, Libby, and Tia. Couldn't do this without you (and you thought I'd given up on this story...)
Dedication: To my jedi...who has given me love without conditions and support without questions...my love, my lover, and my ally. Thank you.
Note: I'm not sure how the formatting is going to come out here, so if there are issues with it, let me know..this is a cut and paste job into the email window, and we all know how THAT can work out...
Part 1 - Prologue
"Master!" The word came out in a breathy whisper, the older man's head heavy as Obi-Wan lifted it to his lap. He watched the lids rise on the blue eyes that had been his anchor for the past twelve years. "Too late," Qui-Gon managed.
"No!" Obi-Wan shook his head, unaware of the tears that streamed down his cheeks. Qui-Gon saw them, however, and with the same gentle hands that had always wiped them away he touched his Padawan's cheek.
"Promise me...Promise me you will train the boy." The proud face twisted in pain, but the eyes were clear.
"Yes, Master." What else could he say? He could feel the life ebbing from the big body, flowing out like water from a broken vessel, no matter how frantically he cupped his hands around it to seal the cracks.
"He is the Chosen One. He will bring balance to the Force. Train him..." Fog drifted in across the ocean-blue of his eyes, and Qui-Gon's body relaxed in his padawan's arms...
This could not happen. This would not happen. Obi-Wan raced frantically down the training bond he shared with his Master, but it was like chasing a rabbit through the underbrush. Qui-Gon was getting further and further away, gaining speed with every moment, almost to ground now, despite Obi-Wan following like a terrier...Obi-Wan couldn't let him get away, he couldn't let him go, he had to catch him, he had no choice...Qui-Gon was plunging down now, down the warren of light and shadow, and there was no help for it..
Obi-Wan went down the rabbit hole.
***
Falling...blood red doves on storm grey clouds.... the smell of strong tea and brown bread.... women clothed in ocher mist....twirling....Qui-Gon's cloak rough against his cheek when he was fourteen and ill with fever....a child's laughter...copper sweet taste of blood in his mouth....tumbling....purple falcons on the wing...tang of onions...men screaming in anger...women screaming in fear...falling and falling and falling and falling.....
And silence.
***
"You're not supposed to be here." The voice was soft, pleasant even, a silky, smoky soprano that lilted upward ever so slightly at the ends of the words. It gave ordinary speech a musical quality.
A soft hand smoothed over his forehead, then closed firmly over his shoulder and shook him. "Come on now, wake up. You're not supposed to be here, and we've got to be finding out what to do with you." Obi-Wan opened his eyes.
A face swam into focus, a pale-skinned, fine-boned face dominated by tilted eyes of a shadowed green. The little pointed chin was surprising. The well-shaped mouth smiled a little. "That's more like it. Sit up now, come on." She - that face was markedly, unashamedly female - held out a hand, and Obi-Wan was levered into a sitting position...
And everything rushed back. The crisis on Naboo, the Sith, the power generator...Qui-Gon.
"Qui-Gon!" Obi-Wan made to scramble to his feet, and was gently, but firmly, restrained.
"No. There is no time to concentrate on another. We must find out why you are here, and how to return you to where you belong."
Obi-Wan turned fierce blue eyes on her. "I know why I'm here. I came after my Master. And as far as returning me - I'm going nowhere without him."
The young woman sat back on her heels, dark brows drawn together. "You came here deliberately? You followed someone?"
"Yes. My Master. He was..."
"He was dying." The voice was calm, neutral, as if she were discussing weather patterns over Coruscant, and for a moment Obi-Wan hated her for not hurting as much as he did.
"Yes. He was dying."
"But you were not...and that is the problem." Rising to her feet, she offered Obi-Wan a hand. Slowly, he stood, and she pointed to his feet. "Do you see that?"
He did indeed. A faint silver shadow extended from his right foot, running off into the darkness that was the only thing to be seen around him. He nodded.
"That is your connection to your body. The longer you stay, the fainter and weaker it will become. Eventually, it will snap - and you will remain here."
"I'll die."
"Yes. You will die." The misted green eyes that looked at him were steady, and he returned the gaze.
"If I do not find my Master, I will die anyway. I have no wish to live without him."
The dark auburn head nodded. "Then we must hurry." She turned, and with no other option left to him, Obi-Wan followed.
***
Qui-Gon stirred, lifted one large hand to rub blearily at his eyes. With difficulty, he sat up, and took stock of his surroundings.
He found none of them familiar.
Underneath him, a couch, firm and comfortable. Smallish room. Walls a uniform shade of soothing blue. Air temperature comfortably warm, comfortably dry. Door directly opposite his resting place.
Qui-Gon looked down at himself, and found nothing out of the ordinary. He had the nagging feeling that there was something he should remember, something - important, but it was dancing about the edges of his mind like a fairy, playing tag with his attempts to grasp it.
The door opened, and a tall man with curly blond hair stepped into the room, clothed in a simple tunic and leggings not unlike Qui-Gon's own. He smiled, showing very even, very white teeth.
"Hello." The blue eyes were friendly, and Qui-Gon nodded in greeting. "I am Rainer, and I am here to guide you in this place."
Qui-Gon cleared his throat. "Where is this place?" he asked.
Rainer smiled again. "This place is - here."
For some reason, Qui-Gon knew that THAT was all the answer he was going to receive.
***
"Where are we going?" Obi-Wan had followed Ananya for what seemed like hours, and yet there had been no change in the unrelenting darkness around them. It was broken only for a few meters around them, the light coming from no where and yet following them as they moved on.
Without looking at him, she answered. "We are going to the place of the gathering. If the person you have come to find has just arrived, he will be heading there, too. We may be able to find answers for you before it is too late."
"I don't need answers," Obi-Wan muttered. "I need my Master." Ananya said nothing.
Obi-Wan studied his guide as they walked. She was nearly as tall as he was, but almost painfully thin. Her dark auburn hair was tousled, the curls looking as though the only comb they had ever known was that of her fingers. She was dressed in a simple, short-sleeved tunic and leggings, and her only ornaments were wide silver cuffs about both wrists.
"Why are you doing this?" he asked suddenly, and this time, when she answered him, the green eyes made no effort to cover the pain that lived in their depths.
"It is part of my atonement," she answered simply.
"Atonement?"
Ananya nodded. "Atonement. We must all atone for the wrongs we have committed in our lifetimes, Obi-Wan, before we can be released to the Force completely, to live again through it. We will all commit wrongs - it is the way of sentient beings. Hopefully, we make them right while we yet live. It is always better so, for then we do not take on the additional stain of nudging another's life toward the Darkness with the hurt we caused them. If, however, we do not atone during our lives, we must spend time here expunging the stains we put on our spirits while we lived, and did nothing."
"While we liv...then you are ... dead?"
Ananya stopped, head down. She appeared to be wrestling with something internal, something long buried deep. He was about to apologize for the rudeness of his question, but she raised her head, and the look in her eyes stopped him. Eyes never leaving his, she slowly removed first one bracelet, then the other. Green gaze unblinking, she held up her bare wrists.
Each wrist was neatly gashed, the severed ends of the blood vessels visible through the lacerations.
***
"So we are all here for atonement?" Qui-Gon asked as Rainer led him through halls and down passageways. Each one seemed exactly the same, but Rainer was obviously sure of where he was headed, and so Qui-Gon followed - having no other option.
"No, not all of us. Some of us have paid our debts. Some came in with the scales balanced, and went on to join with the Force. Some of us - have other reasons for staying." The look on the young man's handsome face left no room for doubt that he belonged to the last category.
Qui-Gon was silent for long moments, his mind whirling. There was something he was supposed to remember, something vitally, terribly important. Something was missing here. He just wasn't sure what, and it was troubling. He had no choice but to speak.
"Rainer...it appears as though I am missing something, though exactly what, I do not know. I only know that something terribly important to me is not here. Would you - do you know what that something might be?"
Rainer shook his head. "No, but this kind of disorientation is not unusual for those who have been recently severed from the corporeal form."
"Will I recover that knowledge?"
Rainer shrugged. "It's hard to tell. Some do, before they become one with the Force. Some do not. Some - for some, recovering those memories is part of their atonement." Rainer stopped, and Qui-Gon saw that they stood at an intersection, another joining of yet more identical corridors. He looked at Rainer expectantly.
"We are about to pass into an area where you will see those who are paying their spirit's debts. It - can be disturbing." With that, Rainer took the left passageway, and Qui-Gon followed.
Within a few meters, the passageway widened, and a spacious hallway flanked with open-faced rooms became visible. Rainer's pace remained steady, and Qui-Gon found himself wishing he could do something to speed his young guide up. They had not yet reached the first room, but the Force here quaked with pain, misery, and hopelessness.
At the first room to the right, Rainer stopped, and gestured for Qui-Gon to look inside.
There, seated on a plain wooden chair, was a man - almost as tall as himself, Qui-Gon decided, bearded, but more heavily built. He was close to Qui-Gon's age, as well, and he sat, motionless, staring at what appeared to be a mirror in front of him. Brows pulled together in puzzlement, Qui-Gon turned to Rainer. He wasn't at all sure he liked the look of pity in the young man's blue eyes.
"What - what is his debt - and what is his allotted atonement?" Qui-Gon asked.
Rainer sighed. "His debt? Self-delusion and deception. While this one lived, he believed himself to be full of an honor and integrity that he did not possess. He allowed others to believe it as well, and his deceptions caused others great pain. Then, instead of acknowledging his share of responsibility in the matter, he allowed others, and more importantly himself, to believe that he had no culpability in another's pain. He either denied events all together, or allowed himself to believe that the other had chosen to hurt, that his actions had had nothing to do with the situations that arose. He could have stopped the pain, and the deceptions, at any time, but chose to remain silent, so that others would believe he was indeed the kind of person he wanted so desperately to be. He craved their adoration like a drug. If he had only spoken out, had only taken a way of true honor as opposed to cowardice and silence, perhaps he would not be sitting here." Rainer shook his head sadly. "I am not sure which was the worst: deceiving others, or deceiving himself."
"I still don't see what his atonement consists of," Qui-Gon said.
Rainer nodded toward that mirror. "Reflected in that glass for him to see is every dark and cloudy nook of his soul, every truth he ever tried to deny or twist or rationalize so that he could live with himself. Reflected in that glass are the results of every hurt he ever inflicted on another without eventually making it right. Each pain he sees another feel, he feels, too, in his own soul. And he cannot look away." As they watched, a tear trickled out of the man's blue eyes, trailing down his cheek to become lost in his beard. "It is a just act of atonement."
***
Part 2
The darkness was unrelenting as Obi-Wan and Ananya trekked onward, his discomfort at being in this place, so far from not only his body but his reason for living, growing rapidly into pain. "Qui-Gon - please, Qui-Gon, please be here..." he chanted fervently to himself. It helped him to keep going. To distract himself, he thought about his guide.
She should have been lovely, and he supposed that her features were indeed beautiful. There was, however, such a sadness about her, that it almost hurt to look at her. It was, however, a pain removed from his own, and therefore safer, so he concentrated on it for a moment. As if she felt his stare, Ananya turned. "You wish to know what my debt is."
Obi-Wan arched an eyebrow. "Yes, I do. How..."
She shrugged. "It's a natural enough question." She sighed, eyes never leaving the darkness before them. "My debt, ultimately, was that I didn't fight back." At his look, she sighed again, and began to explain. "I made the mistake of loving someone I should not have. When it ended, I simply allowed myself to drown in the pain. Wait," she said sharply, holding up her hand when the young Jedi would have argued. "There is more. You see, when I did not fight back, there were those who saw opportunity. Nature abhors a vacuum, you see, and so they rushed to fill the gap that I left open. My own refusal to defend myself gave others, less scrupulous, the opportunity to do evil deeds knowing that those, too, would be blamed on me."
The jade green eyes misted over. "Before it was over, people were milling about with only the tainted, biased information that was allowed to filter from one camp to the next. In reality, the only people who KNEW the truth were my lover and I. He did not speak truthfully, and I simply did not speak. I left that vacuum, Obi-Wan. I, and my inability to bear up under the pain." She held up a wrist. "This was my answer. It was not the right one."
"And - your atonement?"
"I wander here, in this darkness, seeking those I can help, but never connecting with anyone for longer than a few moments at most. I am - alone. Always and utterly alone." With that, she turned away, and they continued on.
***
As Rainer led Qui-Gon ever onward, the older man fought to recall what was so vitally important, the thing that was gnawing at him with each step he took. He almost didn't notice when Rainer stopped in front of yet another room. The young man's face, when Qui-Gon looked at him, was uncharacteristically hard. Qui-Gon turned to the room.
There, packed into a labyrinth of Minoan proportions were - hundreds of people. They milled about, little groups of them wandering this way, then that, dead end after dead end, jostling into walls, falling and being trampled underfoot by the companions who didn't seem to notice that their friend was no longer among them. Many bore bleeding wounds and bruises from the constant collisions with the walls.
"What is this?" Qui-Gon asked quietly.
"This is the room of those who would not see. In life, they refused to seek truth for themselves, instead choosing to rely on the words of others, never admitting that those others, too, could have chosen to believe what was neither true nor just. No matter the cost, they chose not to quest for what was true, but chose instead to believe what required nothing from them." The blue eyes were icy. "Innocent people were hurt by their unwillingness to believe that something other than what they had been told might be true, by their refusal to look for things outside of their own comfort zone."
Qui-Gon was about to ask a question, when the answer suddenly appeared before him.
No one in the labyrinth had eyes.
When he looked at his guide, Rainer nodded. "Now, they must rely on the words of those as blind as they are to guide them. As you can see, those words are as reliable now as they were in life."
Guide and Jedi walked on.
***
It was becoming harder and harder for Obi-Wan to continue on. The silver thread that bound him to his body was getting fainter and fainter, at times flickering away entirely. Each time that happened, a jolt of panic would shoot through him. Am I that afraid to die? he wondered to himself. Even for my master?
"Of course you're afraid," his guide answered simply. "Death is a territory you have not walked. It's unfamiliar to you." She looked at him out of those ancient jade eyes. "That's why I am here."
Obi-Wan drew in a shuddering breath. "I - I'm not used to walking new paths without my Master at my side," he admitted quietly. "We are - more than student and teacher. We are friends, brothers, we are..."
"You are allies." At Obi-Wan's expression, Ananya laughed quietly, a sound like smoky silver. "Don't be so surprised at my choice of words. Allies is a very powerful word, when you think of it. It means that, no matter what, when one of you calls, the other will answer." She looked at him again. "No matter what."
Obi-Wan nodded. "No matter what," he agreed.
It was a fitting word after all.
***
"How long until we have passed from this place?" Qui-Gon asked quietly. The constant quaking in the Force, all those souls crying out their pain and hopelessness, had gone from irritating to downright painful, and the Jedi was eager to be away from this place.
"One more room, and then we are at the place of judgement," Rainer replied.
Qui-Gon wasn't ready for the room.
Two wooden posts stood side by side in the center of the room. Chained to each post was a person, clad only in a short tunic. The color of the tunics was impossible to fathom...
Each one was soaked with blood.
As Qui-Gon watched, the person nearest to him, a man with a long, narrow braid over his shoulder, jerked, his mouth opening in a silent moan. From nowhere, a shallow gash appeared on his cheek. Blood ran down his neck to mingle with the blood from the hundreds of similar cuts that covered every available inch of surface skin. Qui-Gon turned his eyes to the other figure, a small, thin woman whose long, dark hair was soaked with blood. Her dark eyes met Qui-Gon's for a moment, then closed as a narrow cut appeared across her brow, the blood momentarily blinding her.
"Wha...what..." The Jedi was unable to look away from the gruesome scene in front of him. Rainer, however, looked on with eyes gone ice cold.
"Cruelty," the young man replied simply. When Qui-Gon looked to him for an explanation, he continued. "Each of these people set out to deliberately hurt another person. They said it was 'justified', that the other 'deserved' the pain they dispensed."
Qui-Gon turned. "Sometimes the truth is cruel, Rainer, but it must be spoken nonetheless."
Rainer nodded. "Truth is a harsh mistress, yes. But - these two cared little for the truth, and took satisfaction instead in the pain they caused. There is a difference between cruel truth and cruelty, my friend." Rainer's expression turned grimly satisfied. "Cruelty is never justified, and these people were in no position to sit in judgement. Now, every word that they ever uttered to hurt another, every verbal barb that left them has become a knife." The blond head nodded at the hundreds of cuts, at the pool of blood beneath each person. "As you can see, there were many. And they must take them all back until the debt is paid."
Qui-Gon nodded. "Let's go. Please."
There was something there, in that room, something that tugged at him, that played with his mind and tried to worm it's way into his thoughts, something that he should recognize....
His mind snapped back to the room, to the man tied to the post.
The braid.
Obi-Wan.
Gods.
***
"Almost there, Obi-Wan. Come on. You can make it." Ananya's voice was harsh, and Obi-Wan gritted his teeth as he leaned on her shoulder. The pain emanating from the strained connection to his body was almost overwhelming, and he stumbled again, this time almost taking his guide to the ground. She grunted under the strain, but managed to pull him to his feet. "You've got to make it."
Each step was like walking on broken glass, but the young jedi struggled on, holding on to the thought of his Master like an anchor, drawing strength from the fact that, somewhere up ahead, Qui-Gon was waiting.
Maybe even waiting for him.
He held onto Ananya, and kept moving.
***Part 3
The farther away from the atonement rooms they walked, the more secure in his connection to the Force Qui-Gon became. With that renewed contact, his memories came flooding back to him.
Had his last words truly been of Anakin? The boy was important, he was the Chosen One, Qui-Gon had no doubt, but... had he truly left Obi-Wan with nothing for himself? Had he truly seen his padawan for the last time without telling how much he loved him, how proud he was of him, how much...
How much he didn't want to be without him.
All the times he'd basically punished Obi-Wan for simply being his padawan, all the times he'd made *him* pay for Xanatos. All the times he'd withheld praise in an attempt to maintain his stoic nature, afraid to let himself love, afraid to let himself open to this other person who had become such an important part of his life…and now he could see how much that deprivation had cost Obi-Wan.
And still, Obi-Wan had stayed. And Qui-Gon had taken that for granted.
"Rainer, this is wrong. I can't be here." His voice was steady, but Rainer would have had to have been a fool to have missed the hint of panic in the deep tones.
"There is no choice, Qui-Gon. You are here now. The Force will tell us what is to become of your essence." Rainer smiled. "Please don't be afraid. Your signature is light, my friend. There will be peace for you here."
Qui-Gon shook his head. "I - I left someone behind, someone... there are things he needs to know, things he must know..." His words trailed off as Rainer clasped his shoulder.
"We're here, Qui-Gon. It's time."
***
The darkness was pervasive, the pain was almost unbearable, but...
The bond was there. Obi-Wan could *feel* his master. Qui-Gon was close.
"He's - near. I can feel him again, he's here..."
"Shh. I know. We're almost there, just a few more meters." The silvery voice was showing the strain of supporting the young jedi, but Ananya's steps were firm. Half-carrying, half-dragging the young man, she forced the last bit of distance, and...
"We're here." Carefully, she laid him down on the ground. "When I step away, the darkness will go with me. You'll see what you wish to see." Surprisingly, she bent down and kissed Obi-Wan's forehead. "May the Force be with you, Obi-Wan."
The darkness receded...
***
...and Obi-Wan stared up into the beloved face of his master.
"Qui-Gon," was all he managed to get out before the long arm were around him and he was held to a broad chest.
"Padawan...gods, Obi-Wan, how...why..." One large hand pressed Obi-Wan's head to a waiting shoulder, and for a moment the pain seemed insignificant.
"Allies, Master," Obi-Wan whispered, and succumbed to unconsciousness.
Qui-Gon looked desperately at Rainer. "What happens now?"
Rainer, blond brows drawn together, turned his face upwards. His eyes closed, and from the taut lines of his body, Qui-Gon could tell that a communication of great intensity was taking place, but even with Qui-Gon's deep sensitivity to the Force, it was beyond him as to who, or what, was talking with the young guide. Finally, however, the blue eyes opened, and Rainer looked at the two Jedi, blue eyes wide.
"You will be returned to your bodies," he announced, as though he didn't quite believe it himself.
TBC
