Rating: G
Pairing: Jedi
Category: Sillyfic / Humor
Summary: The mis-adventures of Ban-Ana Republic and Coco-Nut Creme.
Disclaimer: The list of Obi_Wan_Kenobi seems to have entered the black hole of cyberspace without even lifting off. I took over the helm. Not steering too straight, but we're going somewhere! And, of course, the Jedi are George's.
Notes: Thanks to Hypatia for some great names. Thanks to theWombat for "A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your Master".
Episode 1
As the space ship took off into the lapis lazuli-colored sky scudded with puffy white clouds it left behind Brave, but still a little Green, Jedi Knight Ban-Ana Republic and her Trusty, but a little Flaky, Padawan Coco-Nut Creme. Ban-Ana pulled the hood of her yellow robe over her face to protect it from the swirling dust and leaves the ship kicked up from the deserted landing pad. Coco-Nut did the same with his fuzzy brown robe.
Coco-Nut picked up his traveling satchel, which had this been Earth would have been universally recognized as a bowling-ball bag. He followed Ban-Ana - two steps behind and one to the right. "Padawan," she told him. "Jedi do not carry their lightsabers in suitcases. If we are to become Mango Jedi Knights, I want to make a good first impression."
"Yes, master," Coco-Nut said as he put down his bag and unzipped it. He pulled out the haft of his lightsaber. Attaching the brown, round weapon to his belt, he then hurried after his still walking master. The lightsaber banged against his thigh with each stride. "Ouch, ouch, ouch."
Soon the pair approached the Ambrosia Temple, its distinctive shape silhouetted against the sky. Known galaxy-wide, tiny statues of it were encased in plastic bubbles which when you shook them snow fell. It was depicted on numerous postcards which invariable said - 'Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here.'
Yes, it was known galaxy-wide. However, Earthlings being in a completely different galaxy would have not known this and had one received a postcard with the Ambrosia Temple upon it would have said, "Who is this person and why are they visiting Carmen Miranda's hat?"
Brave, but still a little Green, Jedi Knight Ban-Ana Republic and her Trusty, but a little Flaky, Padawan Coco-Nut Creme stood before the ornately carved wooden doors in the shape of various tropical fruits. Over the door was written - May The Force Of The Fruit Be With U. Ban-Ana knocked on the door and waited.
After a reasonable amount of time giving the inhabitants enough time to grab a towel, quickly dry off from their shower and don some clothing for she was polite and had arrived unannounced, she knocked again. Again she waited but this time enough time had elapsed for the residents to fully dress, cook dinner, eat said dinner and enjoy at least the first half of their favorite TV show, she cautiously opened the door.
The door creaked open echoing ominously in the dark Temple. A swarm of fruit flies hovered in the air. "Hello," she called as she batted the small insects from her face. "Mango Jedi Knights?" She pulled her yellow and curved lightsaber from her belt. Igniting it for light, a bright yellow shaft extended. Coco-Nut fumbled with his brown, round lightsaber and when he finally managed to unhook it from his belt he held it out with two hands and triple rays of white light emerged from the holes.
"Look, master," he said as he carefully bent down to pick up the note which had apparently been slid under the door long ago. He blew off the dust, opened the yellowed paper and read: 'Where are the other two members of this group? And what's all this about Mangos?'
"They must have all gone out to lunch," Ban-Ana said.
Coco-Nut dropped the hood of his robe, revealing his short, fuzzy, brown hair cut Padawan style. He brushed off flakes of dandruff from his shoulders as he looked around the dusty and cobwebby Temple. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
Ban-Ana took off her robe and rolled up her sleeves. "If we are to become Mango Jedi Knights, we must make ourselves worthy and useful. We'll dust first and then mop."
"I don't do windows," Coco-Nut said.
***
Hours later . . .
Ban-Ana wiped her brow and admired the clean and sparkly Ambrosia Temple around her. Her padawan sullenly finished cleaning the last of the many large windows trying not to get his white tunics dirty. Ban-Ana had not been as successful and her yellow clothing was flecked with brown.
She sat down on the polished marble floor and pulled out a round, orange fruit. "Come, padawan," she invited. "While we are waiting for Master Mango to arrive and teach us his Mango Philosophy and the ways of the Force of the Fruit, let us contemplate our Navels."
***
Episode 2
Brave, but still a little Green, Jedi Knight Ban-Ana Republic and her Trusty, but a little Flaky, Padawan Coco-Nut Creme emerged from their contemplations on their Navels. If Coco-Nut felt shortchanged or even a little miffed that he was actually given a Temple orange rather than a Navel orange proper to contemplate, he said nothing for he was a proper padawan who rarely, if ever, questioned his master's actions. At least audibly.
So while Ban-Ana was contemplating her Navel, Coco-Nut was left to muse about his Temple - Was there some significance behind the fact the he was given a Temple? What if he had been given, say, a Parson Brown? Would that have had any significance? Did it really even matter, so long as it was an orange? Did his master do this on purpose or <shudder> couldn't she identify her orange varieties? Why didn't any word rhyme with orange?
There was a disturbance in the Force of the Fruit. A dark, rotten, slimy disturbance. "I have a bad feeling about this," Coco-Nut said.
Suddenly! They heard the sound that ran a chill into the hearts of Mango Jedi Knights everywhere. In fact, it was the sound that chilled Mango Jedi Knights all through their bodies. For it was the horrible - shluck! shluck! shluck! - of their Arch Enemy, Gelatin Fruit Salad!
Jiggling around the corner came Gelatin Fruit Salad shaped like those coppery colored molds (See footnote below) your grandmother hung on the wall - not the fish one, but the one that lookked like a two-tiered scalloped fez hat. "Red is not good," Ban-Ana said.
"I don't know," Coco-Nut said. "I kinda like red. Tastes better than the green kind."
"What flavor is red gelatin?" his master asked.
"Red."
Ban-Ana whipped her yellow and curved lightsaber off her belt and ignited it. Coco-Nut pulled off his round and brown hilt and lit it as well. Triple shafts of white light rayed out of the holes as he held it out two handed in front of him.
As the terrible, horrible humungous Gelatin Fruit Salad shlucked its way towards our heros intending to engulf them inside, they could see within its transparent wiggling form. Trapped inside was another Mango Jedi Knight. "Quick, padawan," Ban-Ana said. "We've got to rescue her."
Ban-Ana Republic and Coco-Nut Creme struck at the Gelatin Fruit Salad holding captive one of their brethren within its quivering shape. But each time their lightsabers cut into Gelatin Fruit Salad, the blades sliced through and the cuts coalesced immediately leaving no trace.
"Master!" Coco-Nut cried.
"What?" Ban-Ana asked as she continued to hack at the monster.
"Nothing," he said. "I just always wanted to yell that."
"Padawan, I've got an idea," Ban-Ana said. "Hand me your lightsaber." Coco-Nut handed his lightsaber to his master as he was a good padawan, but yet with some hesitation. He silently wished it well and said his goodbyes. With the blades still lit, Ban-Ana torqued her arm back and hurled the brown, round lightsaber into the Gelatin Fruit Salad. They both watched as it imbedded into the monster with a *shploik!* and fizzled out.
Coco-Nut glared at his master. "I lose more lightsabers that way," he complained. He quickly shucked off his white tunics and dove into their Arch Enemy's body. Swimming the breast stroke and eating his way through, he reached the encapsulated Mango Jedi Knight and pushed her outside. Kicking to the surface, he gulped air and swan-dived back in the red villain. Reaching his weapon he re-ignited the lightsaber. The monster exploded sending globs of red goo splattering across the Ambrosia Temple.
Dripping with slimy goop, Coco-Nut bent over catching his breath. The Mango Knight he had just rescued laid gasping on the floor, her green robes stained red. Ban-Ana held the Knight's head in her arms. Coco-Nut was pleased that he had saved a life and that he had the wherewithal to have had removed his tunics before doing so. Extra chores were to be avoid at all costs for his master, Ban-Ana, could think of enough for him to do without any extra help on his part.
"Are you all right?" Ban-Ana asked. "Who are you? Are you here to learn from Master Mango and the ways of the Force of the Fruit?"
"Yes, I'm fine," the Knight said as she got up. "Thank you. My name is Mara-Schino Cherry." Coco-Nut furrowed his brow and frowned while staring at her green clothing. Mara-Schino laughed. "I get that quite a bit. You see, I'm the *Jade* green kind." Ban-Ana nodded her head sagely.
"What about Master Mango? Have you seen him lately? Are you one of his students? We just arrived and wish to learn his Mango philosophy."
"No," Mara-Schino said. "I came here also to learn, but I'm afraid I haven't been able to find him, either. In fact, I was waiting for a friend to join me when I was attacked. You haven't seen anyone else have you?"
"No," Ban-Ana said as she scanned around the Ambrosia Temple and the red gooey mess the exploding Gelatin Fruit Salad had made. Dripping gobs covered the floors, the walls, the ceiling and . . .
Coco-Nut's eyes widened as he watched his master for he knew what she was thinking. "I don't do windows," he said hurriedly.
"Who were you waiting for?" Coco-Nut asked.
"Canta-Luke," said Mara-Schino Cherry.
***
Footnote: Black, furry fruit mold is something else entirely and which shall be given the dignity of its own episode as is befitting such a formidable foe for our heros.
***
Episode 3
Trusty, but a little Flaky, padawan Coco-Nut Creme sighed deeply as he looked down the long line of very large windows. Very dirty, very red and very sticky very large windows. The very same windows he had washed earlier in the day. He sighed again and looked over at his master, the Brave, but a little Green, Jedi Knight Ban-Ana Republic. She was washing the floor. Happily. While whistling. Cheerfully. For the second time in one day.
Coco-Nut dipped his rag in the cold, soapy water. He wished Mara-Schino Cherry, the *Jade* green kind, would return soon announcing happily that she had not only found the water heating unit, but that hot water was soon on its way having only been not available earlier due to the fact that a switch had not been turned on or a breaker had been thrown. Then he would be washing the windows with hot, soapy water instead. Oh, yeah!
The longer Mara-Schino took the more worried Coco-Nut became. He cast an apprehensive glance at his master as he pulled the bucket to the next window. He hurriedly pulled his bag holding his lightsaber close to his feet.
He dipped his rag in the cold, soapy water again while hoping Mara-Schino's delay was due to the fact she had found the water heating unit and it was merely a few quick repairs that needed to be done. Coco-Nut was looking forward to a nice, hot bath before retiring for the night. He looked at his master again as he proceeded to the next window dragging his bag along with him.
Mara-Schino returned just as Coco-Nut bent down to put his rag in the bucket again. His orange rolled out of his pocket and he scrambled after it. Mara-Schino and Ban-Ana huddled in conference while looking at him. Not good, he thought.
Being a proper padawan, he properly worried if he was proper enough. Were they talking about him? Should he have told his master that his orange was a Temple and not a Navel? Had that been some sort of test? He mentally wrestled with himself debating whether he should have told his master he knew it was a Temple or whether it would embarrass his master at having the fact brought up since she herself didn't know the difference between the two varieties.
He looked over his shoulder. Mara-Schino and Ban-Ana were looking at him. And talking. Beads of sweat broke out on his forehead. His hands trembled. He spun around impulsively. He was mentally pinned. No, he was picked up, spun around in the air and throw over the ropes. "IT'S A TEMPLE!" he yelled very loudly.
Ban-Ana stared at her distraught, yelling padawan. "Yes," she said one word at a time in the manner reserved for postal employee wielding a gun or for a person pushing all their worldly possessions in a shopping cart while mumbling about tin foil and the government implanting transmitters in his head. "Yes - padawan - it - is - a - Temple. Ambrosia - Temple. Do - you - need - a - rest?"
Coco-Nut stared wide-eyed at his master who was looking serene in a forced sort of way and then at the wide-eyed Mara-Schino Cherry who's hand had dropped to her lightsaber in a hand dropping sort of way. Coco-Nut just nodded and sat on the floor in a sitting sort of way.
Coco-Nut and Mara-Schino whispered again. "Padawan?" his master said. "We - are - going - to - look - at - the - water - heating - unit. Will - you - be - okay - if - we - are - gone - for - just - a - bit?" Coco-Nut nodded.
As soon as they had left, Coco-Nut pulled a dog-eared manual out of his tunic. He flipped pages rapidly in his copy of *A Padawan's Guide to Health, Fitness and Living with Your Master* by theWombat. As he scanned the entries, a feeling of anxiety, of dread even, came over him. He had angst!
This was terrible! He searched the other entries in hopes that maybe he had read wrong and he had some sort of other terrible affliction because angst struck him as not being the sort of proper ailment that a padawan should suffer. He saw the entry for amnesia. Now that struck him as a proper affliction and quite common too, from what he could gather from the entry.
Ban-Ana and Mara-Schino were returning in a footsteps down the hall sort of way. Coco-Nut quickly stuffed his Padawan's Guide into his tunic and stood up. "We - are - back. Are - you - better - now - padawan?" Ban-Ana asked.
"Amnesia. I think, maybe, I have amnesia. Yeah, that's it - amnesia."
"Amnesia? What makes you think you have amnesia?" Mara-Schino asked.
"I, uh," Coco-Nut stuttered as he tugged at his tunics making sure the Padawan's Guide was well hidden. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" Ban-Ana asked. "You, maybe, forgot?"
"Yeah, that's it," Coco-Nut agreed nervously. "I forgot."
"How did you get amnesia?" Mara-Schino asked suspiciously.
"I, um . . ." Coco-Nut started.
"Forgot?" Ban-Ana offered.
"Yes, that's it! I forgot."
Ban-Ana and Mara-Schino talked quietly between themselves as they eyed the padawan. They nodded their heads in agreement. Ban-Ana approached Coco-Nut. "Padawan," she said pointing to a still red and gooey spot on a window he had finished. "You missed a spot." Mara-Schino Cherry surreptitiously snuck behind Coco-Nut with her lightsaber hilt behind her back. Coco-Nut quickly looked at the spot on the window and then eyed Mara-Schino with suspicion.
"Coco-Nut!" Ban-Ana yelled. "Look! Over there!" She pointed across the Temple in the other direction. Coco-Nut looked. Mara-Schino hit him over the head with her lightsaber hilt with a *Boink!*
"Ow!" Coco-Nut said as he rubbed his head and looked accusingly at Mara-Schino. "What did you do that for?"
"Amnesia cure," Mara-Schino said. "Works every time."
"Do you remember now, padawan?" Ban-Ana asked with concern in her voice.
Trusty, but a little Flaky and Not Stupid, padawan Coco-Nut Creme answered, "Yes! It worked! Thank you!"
Mara-Schino Cherry smiled and to the relief of Coco-Nut hooked her lightsaber to her belt. "You're welcome. Anytime."
"Now, padawan," Ban-Ana stated. "We can't seem to get the water heater up and running. It's getting late and I know I want a hot bath." Coco-Nut knew where this line of reasoning by his master led. He grabbed his bag holding his lightsaber and clutched it close to his chest. "And I'm sure you want one, too. Don't you?"
Coco-Nut stared like a nerf cornered by a rancor. "Cold baths are fine! Really! We're Jedi. We can handle it. What's a little cold water? Ha!"
"But if you had a choice? Wouldn't you rather have hot water?"
"No."
"Padawan, hand me your lightsaber," Ban-Ana said using her best master's voice while frowning her best master's frown.
"No."
"No?" Ban-Ana asked incredulously.
"I mean," Coco-Nut reasoned. "Why not use your lightsaber? Or hers? You could be taking a hot bath right now, while I . . . I . . . finish washing the windows!" He started washing earnestly the window he was on with his rag while still holding his bag to prove his point.
"Padawan," Ban-Ana countered. "Your lightsaber has *three* blades. It will work much faster heating the water than ours. Besides, you can finish washing the windows without your lightsaber." She tugged at the bag. He held on to it tightly. She tugged harder. He held on tighter.
"Promise me you won't short it out?" Coco-Nut pleaded. "Please?"
"I promise." Coco-Nut relented and released the death grip he had on the bag. He said his goodbyes to it and wished it bon voyage.
"You should be finished by the time your bath water is ready," Mara-Schino said.
"Yes, you are almost done," Ban-Ana noted. "Thank the Force of the Fruit you didn't have to wash the outside of the windows all over again."
As Mara-Schino and Coco-Nut left to take their baths and prepare Coco-Nut's for him, he returned to his window washing. Yeah, soon I'll be taking a nice, hot bath, he thought as his mood brightened. He worked faster. And I am almost done, he noted. I don't have to do the outside, he thought and then silently thanked the Force of the Fruit that the outside of the windows were still clean and sparkly.
Slowly, the whine of engine heard in the distance became louder and a wind picked up loose soil and debris in a circlestorm. An X-Wing starfighter landed just outside. Coco-Nut splashed his rag into his bucket and rushed outside.
The canopy on the X-Wing opened and the pilot jumped down. Removing his helmet, he ran his hand through his hair. "Hello!" said the pilot. "I'm Pine-Apple Wedge. I'm looking for Mara-Schino Cherry. I have news about Canta-Luke." The X-Wing pilot looked at the windows of Ambrosia Temple and nodded towards them. "Sorry about that." The once clean windows were now grime encrusted from the X-Wing's landing gusts.
Coco-Nut cried.
TBC?
