Hypatia

Fic: Waiting for an answer.
Author: Hypatia
Disclaimer: Not mine, belongs to Lucas
Summary: OK. I'll bite. Jedi can't get married or be allowed love. What
happens when someone falls in love with a Jedi then?
Archive: PLease no! THis is something I wrote over Lunch break.

~*~*~*

"Good Afternoon." I heard behind me in a soft melodic voice. Given how
unexpected the voice was no matter how welcome it was to hear, I still ended
up jumping out of my skin causing me to send the datasheets in my hands
flying.

"Don't DO that!" I yelled as I tried to sort out the mess I made of the
papers I was holding. "Your master used to do that creeping silently in the
shadows thing."

I heard a warm chuckle as the owner of the voice came around from behind me
and sat down in one of my office chairs. It was a welcome sight to see him
again. Over the years I had known him, the gawky teen had grown into a
strong compact strength.

He had changed a lot. His padawanship had molded him and his knighthood had
tempered him. His muscles hardened; there was less softness around his
face. The dimpled chin was now covered by a bearded and his hair had grown
out some, but the one thing that remained unchanged was his eyes.

"You're looking fit." I said as I finished collecting the plasticene sheets.
"Anakin is keeping you in good trim?"

He chuckled, "Yes, he is. Despite his coming late into training he is
catching up to his age mates terrifically fast. How are you?"

I sat down in my office and smiled, "Good. Business is buzzing along. I
haven't seen you in a while."

That was the understatement of the century. I hadn't seen him since before
his master died four years ago. I remembered our last meeting almost
painfully well. I had confessed to him my feelings for him had grown far
beyond friendship and asked him what his heart said.

Obi-wan then carefully and as delicately as possible explained to me that
Jedi weren't allowed love. He was flattered that my heart had chosen him to
love but the rules of the Jedi didn't allow that sort of thing.

"No, I was rather busy." He said softly. He didn't need to say that he felt
that he needed to give me some time.

"I'll bet, preparing for trials, getting a padawan. I'd say you had a full
few years." I chuckled as I began to sort my desk by moving items from one
place to another and back again.

While he had physically avoided me we still kept in constant contact with a
steady stream of letters and voice calls. It was something to show he
wasn't revolted by me. I knew it would be hard to face him the first time.
I didn't really count on it being this hard. I felt like those teal eyes
could flay me alive.

"How are you?" He asked his voice and eyes going soft.

"Good. Keeping busy with work." I said

"That's not what I meant." He whispered.

I nodded, delicate and discrete as always. "I'm fine. I've had other
friendships survive worse then an excess of care on one person's part."

He nodded slowly, "Wise decision." I sighed deeply in frustration. He
looked at me curiously, "What?"

"Nothing." I waved him off.

"What is it? Tell me? Avoiding the issue won't make it go away." He
replied, ever logical

"You want the sad truth? Nothing is going to make this go away." I sighed,
"You said it would go away with time. It's been years and it hasn't faded.
What now?"

"Not a bit?" He asked, his voice had the barest hints of astonishment and
curiosity.

I felt a flash of hurt and anger stab my heart. I really hated it when he
acted like my emotions were of nothing more consequence then an intellectual
curiosity to him. Silence reined in my office.

After a painfully long time I said, "Say something."

He cocked his head to one side, "What do you wish me to say?"

I tossed my hands in the air, "Something, Anything. I don't know. I feel
like I am clinging to the top of a tall thin tree, there is a raging storm
and the wind is blowing the tree in the direction of the cliff. To make it
worse, I feel like I am shouting my problem to you in a language neither of
us speaks well."

He stared at me for a while. "So, you wish to know that I am hearing and
understanding you."

I nodded miserably as I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes to prevent
tears from leaking through.

Once again there was silence in the room. I heard the sounds of ventilation
air being circulated into the room.

"I remember when I first met you." He whispered, "My master and I had just
rescued you and those on your chain in the slave camp. You picked up the
littlest and carried him as we ran to the ship, encouraging the others to
run faster."

I smiled as I remembered that. New colony planets had a tendency to be
raided by slavers and I was one of those captured. The raiders stole
anything of value and killed anyone over fifteen and under six. Those
children left were the perfect age. Old enough to be used, young enough to
be broken. I was eleven.

I was lucky. After three months in the camp a fifteen year old Obi-wan and
his master lead a raid on the camp. It was bigger then they thought it
would be so the republic troops grabbed what slaves they could and made for
the ships in escape.

Obi-wan smiled at me as his eyes grew far away as he sank into the memory.
"I remember you best in the ship after we escaped the fighters and was
flying though an Ion storm. All the other children were crying or
terrified. You were different. You knelt at a portal and watched the Ion
storm with this expression of Awe in your eyes."

I stared at the man before me; his eyes had taken on an expression I had
never seen. I have seen affection before, but never this tender.

"You were absolutely fearless." He murmured softly, "Instead of being
frightened at the prospect of immanent death you lost yourself in the beauty
of the storm."

I smiled at the memory, "You and your master put the hysterical children to
sleep and then came over and sat with me to watch the storm. I had never
seen anything so beautiful in my life." It was a remarkable sensation,
feeling an unshakable sense of peace while in the middle of violence and
chaos.

"Neither had I." He whispered softly.

There was something in his voice. Something in his eyes that caught me. I
knew then he wasn't referring to the storm. It caused a domino effect inside
of my mind.

"Obi-wan, four years ago I asked you a question. I realize now you never
gave me an answer. You told me about the sacrifices a Jedi must make but
you never answered it." I heard myself whisper.

A small smile flickered on his lips as he stood up, "No. I didn't answer
it. Not because I didn't know the answer, but that I am not allowed to."

My world suddenly snapped into focus. I looked at him "Obi-wan, in about
fifty years you'll have finished training a few more padawans, and your body
will be so flabby, disproportionate and old that you are taken off active
duty. When that day occurs I'll be waiting. I'm going to find that retired
asymmetrical sagging ass of yours and demand that answer."

Obi-wan then smiled. With every word out of my mouth his smile formed. Not
the kind he plastered on because society demands some sort of facial
expression. The really rare kind that actually reached his eyes.

Just before he left he whispered, "If you can wait that long, when that day
comes, I shall give it to you."


~*~*~*
Comments?

 

Fic: Still Waiting (1/1)
Author: Hypatia
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Lucas owns it all. Whatever.
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, why not. Just JH and JP please.
Notes: My word, this is becoming a series! This is continuing from "Waiting
for an Answer". In this section, each side explains how they are coping and
why they cope with friends.

~*~*~*~*~

There are times when I love my friends, but there are times when I wish they
weren’t so damn nosey.

Terren pointed her salad fork at me, “Let me get this straight. You turned
down a prince of Alderaan who I happen to know for a fact is a very big boy
indeed. There is a reason why I called him Bantha. Just before we’d got to
it he’d whisper ‘just say when’ for a damn good reason. The man is a
Tripod”

I patted Terren’s other hand, “There is far more to a relationship then just
sex.”

Terren glared at me, “I know. Why do you think I broke up with Bantha.
Both of his heads matched theirs, But you haven’t been with anyone in
forever. I’m worried about you.”

I chuckled, “I’m all right. I don’t need a man to complete my life.”

Terren’s face went Sympathetic, “Oh my god. You still aren’t sweet on that
Jedi, are you?”

“Terren.” I warned

“You know they can’t do anything. Hell, they aren’t allowed to even feel
love.” Terren burst as she tossed her fork into her half eaten salad. “That
is a relationship that will go nowhere.”

I shrugged, “I don’t see it that way.”

Terren rolled her eyes, “Yeah, right. When he retires! It’s a thousand to
one chance that he’ll live past the age of forty. And even if he does live
that long, and retires by the time he’s free both of you will be too old to
do anything about it. You are wasting your life.”

“I don’t see it that way.” I repeated.

Terren shook her head, “Then how do you see it?”

I smiled, “I have his friendship, respect and trust and frankly my dear that
is nothing to sneeze at. I see pieces of his personality that no one else
in the galaxy does. I’m one of the few people he doesn’t have to be a Jedi
in front of.”

Terren scowled, “But he can’t commit to anything.”

“You aren’t signing any papers with me and yet I consider us close.” I
retorted

“Friendship isn’t the same thing as love. Love involves a level of intimacy
deeper then friendship.” Terren rejoined. “You need that attachment and
love.”

I chuckled, “Who ever said I don’t get it from him?”

Terren’s eyesbrows shot to her hairline, “Now I know you didn’t mean what I
think it does.”

I shook my head, “No, not that. It’s just. I can’t explain it, but when I
am with him the physical side doesn't matter. We talk or share a joke or
idea or anything I connect with him. It’s very deeply spiritual and
incredibly strong. So strong that I find I don’t really need physical
intimacy with him.”

Terren looked at me as if I had grown horns. “You are kidding, right? He’s
a Jedi, you can’t be together, you are wasting your prime marriageable
years.”

“My goal in life isn’t to get married.” I said as I took a sip of my drink.

Terren tossed her hands in the air, “I don’t understand.”

I chuckled, “Neither do I. not really. All I know is that I love him and
that when he smiles at me and it’s smile I put there it’s far more moving,
rewarding and intimate then any sexual encounters I’ve had. And when he
sings…”

I trailed off as I remembered the first time he sang. The man had a voice
that would cause angels to weep. I first heard him humming when I was
cooking lunch for him and he was setting the table. He saw me listening to
him and increased his volume and threw himself into the song. If it is
possible, I think his voice played along my soul the way a lover’s hands
play on another person’s body. It wrapped around me, embraced me, filled me
and flooded me.

When he finished he bowed to me with a small smile. I knew that his song
was only for me and that he considered music to be something as intensely
personal as loving.

Terren stared at me for a long time before pronouncing the conclusion,
“Girl, you are gone.”

~*~*~*~

For a very long time, I kept hearing that my master would be on the council
if it weren’t for his one flaw. I tried my best to figure out what that one
flaw was and I couldn’t find it. Even as I am in my teen years and
questioning everything about my world including my master, I still can’t
find anything.

My master is the model of a perfect Jedi. He always says the correct thing,
lives the code and creed, embraces the force as if it were as natural as
breathing. He is everything a Jedi should be and everything I want to be.
But I keep seeing council members and friends among the Jedi who have known
him a long time occasionally look at him sadly and shake their heads.

When I was about fifteen I started to ask around. What was his flaw? Maybe
it was something I could help him with. Every time I asked, I would get the
Jedi equivalent of being told I was a good little boy and I was to run along
now.

Yet, year in, year out, when the names of those who were nominated for a
council position were posted, my master’s Name was on the list. And every
year when it came time to have the reviews by the council, my master would
walk out again without a seat.

Yet, as with all things with Obi-wan, I have found if I wait long enough,
he’ll bring me the answer himself when I least expect it.

“Anakin, could you come here please?” He called from the common room of our
shared suite.

“Yes master.” I said as I put down the project I was working on and wandered
into the common room. I found him sitting in the middle of the couch
looking at a package that had arrived from the archives.

“Mind explaining this to me?” He asked holding up the disks.

I lifted my chin, “Keeping up on current events master.”

My master then got that damn smirk on his lips that I have come to be
irritated at over the years. It usually meant I was the butt of a joke, “I
know we are often away from coruscant, my padawan. But I hardly think news
events in excess of three months in age qualify as current.”

I frowned at him, “may I ask what the problem is, master?”

Obi-wan then leaned back against the couch and said, “You still think about
her, don’t you? You only knew her for a bare few weeks and yet you are
still thinking about Amidala.”

I shrugged as nonchalantly as I could, knowing full well he’d know that
someone saying her name causes my heart to jump. “She was an intriguing
person, master. I fail to see the problem.”

“The problem is Anakin, we are not allowed to feel love. We are to be as
impassionate as the force it’s self.” My master chastised, “Love is a
passion. I suggest you mediate on that and your obsession should fade in
time.”

“And if it doesn’t?” I asked a bit more bitterly then I should have. That
tone should have caused me to be roundly punished.

Obi-wan merely sighed, “Then I have failed as a master.”

“Excuse me?” I blinked in surprise.

Obi-wan gave a flicker of a smile, “The goal of every Jedi master is to
teach so well that their student is far better then they are. You’re heart
not changing will prove I have failed in my goal of not passing on my own
flaws.”

I felt as if the force had dropped a large bell inside me and hit it with a
sledge hammer. Everything, everything came into focus then. The pitying
looks in the hall from other Jedi. The far away look in Obi-wan on
occasion.

“You’re in love.” I gasped in pure shock. The idea of my placid and serene
to the point of constipation master being in love with anyone was completely
foreign.

“So the council calls it.” He replied in full honesty. My master may
withhold the truth from me when it warrants it, but he never lied.

I blinked, “When we are on Coruscant, at night you always go to the south
balcony and look down at the city. You aren’t looking at the city. You’re
looking at the person’s home. A Window. You watch the light from her
window. It’s her, isn’t it!”

“Yes.” He answered with a nod, his eyes not flinching away. For just a
brief flickering moment I could see the depth of truth and pain in his eyes.

“You love her. And she loves you.” I said, “I can see it.”

“Her heart does mirror mine.” He replied evenly

I glared at him, “Have you two done anything?”

Obi-wan’s eye brows shot to his hairline, “You mean copulation? No, we have
not done that. While I am innocent in my actions I remain guilty in my
heart.”

“Go to her.” I immediately said. I cared about my master a lot, and to see
him in the pain of unrequited love was something I didn't want. "Leave the
Jedi, go and be happy. Don’t worry about me. I’m sure another master will
train me.”

He shook his head with a small sad smile, “That I cannot do. I made a
promise to you and to my master to make you a knight. I cannot break that.”
I could hear the will of steel under his voice.

I frowned, I knew there was no arguing that point. “Well, after then. After
I’m a knight go. I’ll shove you out the door at saber point if I have to.”

He shook his head, “I still have my duty to the republic and the Jedi.”

“Are you saying she’s not worth leaving the Jedi for?” I accused. I felt
angry his ‘love’ would be so shallow.

He shook his head, “You misunderstand. I’m saying she’s worth staying in the
Jedi for.”

“huh?” Now I was really confused.

Obi-wan gave me that small mysterious smile again, “If I leave the Jedi, yes
I could marry her, raise a family, bring her that happiness. As her husband
I would only have influence on her personal life. But I have so much more
to give her by staying with the Jedi.”

“Like what?” I asked curious

“As a Jedi, I can ensure she never has to live in a war torn land, or suffer
from famine or plague. I can see to it she has her basic rights and isn’t
falsely accused of a crime. I can make sure all she cares about is safe as
well. She’ll never suffer the indignity of slavery again. Not on my
watch.” Obi-wan whispered softly. “All these things are far more valuable
then mere domestic joys.”

I nodded as I turned what Obi-wan said over in my head. As an ex-slave
myself, I knew how precious freedom can be. I was still fascinated by the
idea that I got a stipend and could purchase things for myself.

I was astounded by the depth of my master’s devotion, both to the Jedi and
to her. I could see the deep burning fire in him slow and as hot as a sun.
He spoke nothing less then the truth. She will be safe. He’ll see to that.

I swallowed, partly frightened by the power of my master’s convictions. It
was as unshakable as the stars. It may be touched, but it would never be
moved.

“I can see you’ve thought through this a lot.” I coughed

Obi-wan smirked, “You’re telling me? I don’t think my knees have yet
recovered from all the mediation I did when I was seventeen.”

“So this is why every year, they turn you down for a council seat.” I
whispered, “I’m surprised they let you be a Knight.”

Obi-wan then actually winked at me, “Why do you think it took my defeating a
Sith for them to give me my rank and the wish of a dying man to give me a
padawan? The council had been waffling for two years before Naboo as to
whether or not I was ready for my trials. They didn’t want to give
knighthood or a padawan to me with my rather deep set flaw.”

“And yet they still hope it will go away.” I shook my head.

Obi-wan watched me carefully, “What do you think of having me as your master
now? Are you still willing to be taught by a Jedi as flawed as I?”

I smiled and gave him a formal bow, “Willing? I would be honored to be
taught by you. You are a great Jedi, not for your perfections, but for how
you turn your flaws into strengths. I only hope when I encounter my
greatest weakness I am as wise and strong as you.”

Obi-wan inclined his head, “Thank you, my padawan.”

I stood up and cocked my head, “Master, hypothetically speaking, if the
rules among the Jedi did change tomorrow and the council suddenly allowed
marriage. What would you do?”

My master got up from the couch and pulled on his robe, “Starting from that
very hypothetical hour, you would be without a master for a month, my
padawan.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked

“Because that is how long it takes to elope to Alderaan.” He replied before
he walked out of the door to go to the balcony, once again.

~*~*~*~
-Tia

 

Fic: Waiting in the Dark (1/1)
Author: Hypatia
Rating: I donno.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Owned by that man with a beard and a
flannel shirt over at Lucasfilms. Goes by the Name of George.
Archive: JP and JH only.
Rating: PG
Summary: My lord, this waiting plot bunny just won't DIE! It keeps looking
up at me with it's one good eye. This is Obi's thoughts on waiting.

~*~*~*~*~


It’s cold up here.

Alone.

In the dark.

But I can see the light from her window.

Granted it’s nothing but a tiny square of brightness amid many squares like
it, but I know which one is hers. It shines out to me, a distant beacon in
the night. I come here to look at that light. When it goes out, I know she
is going to sleep soon.

It’s a tiny piece of her daily life; all I am allowed to share with her.
Some would say I'm not allowed even this. But I need to share something of
her daily life, else I would have been driven into madness long ago.

No one comes to this terrace. It’s in a remote and rarely used corner of
the temple. To be precise, this is where mated Jedi lived when such things
were allowed, several hundred years ago.

Several hundred years ago, a lot of things about the Jedi were different, I
thought. A particularly icy gust buffeted me, its cold tentacles reaching
through my clothing. The order used to be more outwardly oriented. Our
doors used to be more open to the public. We would hold exhibitions in the
art gallery and visit the Coruscant schools.

The code was also different.

Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet Serenity.
Chaos, yet Harmony. Death, yet the force.

With the passage of time the Jedi became harder. A movement towards purity
was started. We were to be as pure and passionless as the force it’s self.
Slowly we shut our selves away from civilians to avoid their
‘contamination.’ Jedi children used to be encouraged to play in the
community parks to learn about other people. Now they are sequestered so
their world is the temple.

We Jedi trapped ourselves in our ivory towers. In the search for purity we
have become alienated from the rest of the galaxy. Some Jedi I know look
upon the outside with a combination of distaste and pity, the very people we
are to protect. To them, it’s a dirty place, the outside.

Marriage of Jedi to civilians was one of the last privileges to be taken
away. The excuse given was that it was far too dangerous to the civilian to
be married to a Jedi. It made the civilian a walking invitation for a
kidnapping. The truth was there were too many Jedi who had fallen to the
dark side because someone had harmed their beloved.

Near the same time, the Jedi code also changed.

"There is no emotion; there is peace. There is no ignorance; there is
knowledge. There is no passion; there is serenity. There is no chaos; there
is harmony. There is no death; there is the Force." I murmured into the
air. The code was as merciless as the wind.

I watch as the little square of light blinked out. With a heavy sigh I turn
from the cold and walked back inside. I pass rooms and halls long empty. I
can almost hear the echoes of laughter that used to ring in these halls. I
pause outside one door and touch the name that was etched into the door. I
often imagine some happy Jedi spouse in anticipation of their mate coming,
carved it in there.

I dust off the letters to the name of the long dead couple and continue on
to the lift. On the ride back to the floor for my quarters, it pauses to
pick up Mace Windu. He looks at me as he enters.

“Still going there, I see.” He intones. I am always fascinated how a man
with such a soft spoken voice can cause it to echo and reverberate in the
room.

“Yes, Councilor,” I reply evenly.

He shakes his head, “I don’t understand you. Your choice is simple.
Release this madness to the force or leave the Jedi. Why do you insist upon
the hard route? Why hold on to this pain?”

It is a question he always asks me, and one I have yet to give him an answer
which he understands. “I cannot change.”

“You were born five hundred years too late for this nonsense.”

“We both were.” I reply softly.

“She’s just another female civilian. Surely there are thousands like her.
Nothing remarkable about her.” Mace Windu trying a new tack.

I cock my head at him, “Are you saying souls are interchangeable?”

Mace pauses before answering. “No, they are not. But explain to me, what is
her attraction. She doesn’t have any remarkable beauty. I could understand
your fascination if she were an artist or intellectual. What is it about
her that has captivated you so?”

I smile as I watch the floor indicator roll the floor numbers past. “When we
brought her to the rehabilitation center with the other slaves, she was the
only one not permanently scared. There was something inside her that no
matter what the slave trainers did, they couldn’t touch. She can’t be
broken.”

Mace Windu watches me for a long time before saying, “You love her for the
strength of her soul. I think now I am beginning to understand.”

I give him a small smile as my floor is reached. I step off and walk down
the halls to the rooms my padawan and I share. I key open the door and
sense the young man asleep in his bed. I wander the halls of my own
apartment to my apprentice’s darkened door and look in on the sleeping young
man, just entering adolescence.

I see now I will fail as a master. He was in love with Padme long before he
was ever my apprentice and will be in love long after he leaves my tutelage.
I can only hope I can prepare him for the long and enduring hardship that
comes from being separated from the one thing that can make your soul sing.

I walk to my own rooms and begin preparing for bed. I remember when I first
realized the name of the emotions I felt for her. I was twenty. I went to
my master and slowly confessed my deep care for a girl barely sixteen. He
listened to my confession with a small smile on his face. I remember his
words of advice.

Love makes us vulnerable. Our beloved’s soul is contained in a very fragile
vessel where any one of a million things can go wrong, and that doesn’t
include how easy it is for harm to be inflicted. But as much as love can be
an ache, it can also be a very stable and calming force in us. While it may
bring chaos, disorder, passion and confusion, but it leaves balance, peace,
and serenity in its wake.

And that she does. I smile as I turn down the sheets and slip into bed.
She always has a smile hanging on the edges of her lips, as if the force is
perpetually whispering jokes to her. When she was a child, she’d run up to
me and wrap her arms around me in a hug. Physical affection is rare when
you are a Jedi and she freely gave it to me. She always has something to
say to make me laugh. She can crack my vaunted Jedi serenity with a well
timed wink.

While I run the gambit of emotions when I am with her, I also feel centered,
calm and at peace.

I am not the rebel some self labeled traditional Jedi call me. I say I am
just very old fashioned. I find there to be more truth in the old code then
the new. It seems more realistic and balanced somehow. It acknowledges
there is another side to the story, even if it is the darkside and the path
of destruction.

It is a hard lesson to learn for those who worship the light. As long as
there is Light, there will be Darkness, for one cannot exist without the
other.

Or as she tells me with that knowing smile, what is destruction but creation
with an agenda?

I sigh as I feel my eyelids start to droop.

We kissed once.

Oh I know that it might not seem like much, but it is worth the galaxy to
me.

As we grew up I had to stand on the sidelines and play the part of the
friend while she fell in and out of love. I don’t know how she survives
giving her whole heart, having it broken or betrayed, then putting it back
together to give it away again. I’ve only fallen in love once and it’s
completely ruined me for others.

I would watch as these suitors touched and kissed her in ways I didn’t dare
think about for fear the council would catch me. I felt trapped. The woman
I loved wasn’t paying the least bit of attention to me romantically, but
even if she did I couldn’t say or do a thing about it.

I half hoped and half dreaded the time she would approach me, eyes shining
with love and happiness, and tell me she was getting married. I hoped for
it because that would mean she had found someone to bring her the happiness
I was forbidden to give.

I dreaded it because so far none of her so called suitors were worthy to
lace her boots, in my opinion. Unfortunately, her forgiving nature and
sympathetic heart has rendered her taste in men absolutely disastrous.

Present company included.

Then, one day when she was twenty, we were having our usual dinner
engagement at her apartment where she would do her duty to the republic and
feed a hungry Jedi. She looked into my eyes and told me she loved me.

My heart soared as high as it sank. Happiness my love was returned, sadness
at how I could never tell her and she was now in the same horrible situation
I was.

I don’t wish my predicament on anyone, much less her.

I then explained to her in all the truthfulness how love is forbidden to
Jedi. I was honest when I said I was supremely flattered her heart would
choose me. However, her wishes simply could not be.

I thought she would run from me with tears in her eyes. Or perhaps grow
tearful and turn away while she gathered herself. She did neither.

Instead she placed one hand on my shoulder, the other on the back of my
head, reached up and kissed me.

Her lips are warm and soft. I could taste a faint hint of the chocolate we
had for desert still on them. I felt as if every cell in my body was trying
to reach for her. My lips tingled with pure sensation. I think I had a
little taste of what it would be like when I rejoined the force. I thought
I was dying and couldn’t have brought myself to care.

I could not respond to her kiss. I wanted to. Very badly. The list of
things I wouldn’t have given to be able to respond to that kiss is
pathetically short. But duty and the council dictated I couldn’t even so
much as wrap my arms around her.

But I closed my eyes, and let her stay there as long as she wanted. I may
obey the rules, but I am also very human.

When she pulled away, her eyes were dry as they looked up at me. She gave
me a quick smile, a nod and turned on her heel, leaving me to show myself
out of her apartment. It was only when I heard the door to her bedroom shut
that I felt her grief start pouring out. My soul ached to comfort her. But
this was the one thing I couldn’t counsel her through without betraying
myself.

In this fight, we are each very much alone.

I touch my lightsaber resting in it’s cradle on my night stand. Encircling
hilt near the pommel and sandwiched between the metal and a curved plate of
plexiglass is a string bracelet.

Little girls from her planet often made jewelry from knots of brightly
colored string. Before we left the refugee camp, she came up to me with
this one made of sapphire blue septasilk threads. It had to have taken her
days to complete. I wore it for years until the ties wore out, then I
placed it on my lightsaber.

I touch my fingers to my lips then place those fingers over the blue band.
I then reach over and turn out my light.

Once again I am alone in the dark with only half formed dreams and distant
maybes for company.

But at least, the dream is alive.

~*~*~*~*~*

 

Fic: Please Repeat the Question.

Author: Hypatia

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Having some fun

Summary: A while back I wrote a series of one off shorts based on the idea Jedi were not allowed to fall in love.  It was about a girl who had told him she loved him and then asked him if he loved her back.  He had explained the code's stance on Jedi and love but he never answered her question.  Another couple stories revealed that Obi-wan did love her back, but code and creed dictated he wasn't allowed to admit it.

 

I'll dig them out sometime, but this should hold its own knowing this much.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

I sat in my apartment at Coruscant.  The lights were out.  I was just sitting in a chair, by the balcony, starting out into the nighttime city lights from behind the protection of the glass.

 

I shivered all over.  The Jedi were being killed left and right, Palpatine kept staying in power.  He seemed to keep pulling reasons why he was needed to stay like rabbits out of a magician's hat. 

 

A part of me knew I should be crying.  But I couldn't.  I still felt numb with the shock.  The sounds of the war happening in the industrial district of Coruscant shocked us all.  All communications had been cut off; citizens were told to go home where it was safe.

 

Why were we being invaded?  Many speculated had a traitor in our midst that was causing us to lose battles.  

 

Everyone I saw had the same look of shock and disbelief in our eyes.  No one had attacked Coruscant in a thousand generations.  This couldn't be happening.  But the sounds of cannon fire and large war ships shooting in the sky or landing with an army was proof this was no fiction.

 

I was numb because I heard on the holonet news before all communication was cut off, the division that was fighting in the battle and suffered devastating losses was Kenobi's. 

 

I haven't heard from him in months.  I took heart that he was alive when I saw him on the holonet news, talking to his troops, or conferring with others.  But this was making me one very unhappy citizen.

 

A shadow passed over my window and I jumped.  The shape was remarkably human.  My heart stopped momentarily, and then started again at five times the speed.  Could the invasion have reached here, within sight of the Jedi Spires?

 

I nearly shrieked in terror when I saw that dark shadow return, this time looking a lot more solid.  It swung up onto my balcony and stood outside of the doors, seeming to peer in.  I hugged my knees to my chest as I trembled in terror.  My mind tried to plot out exactly how many steps it was to my kitchen where I kept my knives and if he smashed the window, if I could make it.  He might kill me but I was determined to at least make the bastard work for it.

 

Then, to my intense shock, the figure politely knocked on the door.

 

Rather odd behavior for a clearly heavily armed humanoid dressed completely in dark camouflage and wearing a mask.

 

I took a quick glace around and noticed that one of my desk lamps had a heavy base.  I took the shade off and clutched the lamp like it was a bat.  I carefully crept to the doors and peered through the darkness to see if I could identify him.  While he could easily break my door down, it was clear he was looking to remain stealthy, and breaking glass would not be in keeping with that goal.  Letting an enemy in would be just plain stupid.

 

The man seemed to divine my hesitation and lifted the mask.  My eyes went round at the sight but I immediately opened my door, he slipped inside and I shut it behind him.  What in bloody hell was Mace Windu, head of the Jedi council doing here?! 

 

Seeing him arrive on my doorstep is shocking enough, but to see him asking entry at the door that is two hundred levels above the nearest street in the middle of the night with a war on was entirely too much.

 

He quickly motioned for me to keep quiet.  He pulled out a data pad and wrote something down.  When he handed it over I saw it was a rather odd question.

 

"Where is the Refresher?"

 

My mouth twitched in laughter at the idea that this man snuck out of the temple all the way over here using Jedi stealth simply to use my toilet.  So I pointed down the hall and flicked my wrist to the left, then held up two fingers to signify second door on the left.

 

He motioned for me to go with him.  So I followed obediently, when we got into the refresher he turned on the shower sonic with a nod of his head.  He leaned back against the shower door.  I could just make out his features in the light from the window.

 

"It is safe to talk now." He murmured, "But do so quietly."

 

"What are you doing here?" I asked him, completely at a loss as to what was going on.

 

"How much do you love him?" Mace Windu asked softly

 

I nearly jumped from the shock of that statement. "E...Excuse me? Wh...Who?"

 

"Obi-wan Kenobi." Mace breathed his name. "How much do you love him?"

 

I lowered my eyes, knowing damn well that lying to a Jedi is pointless. So I spoke the absolute truth. "Enough to crawl three kilometers through broken glass just to hear someone who knows him say his name."

 

I looked up to see that something in Mace Windu's face had softened a bit. "Do you love him enough to risk your own life for a cause he's fighting for but not be with him?"

 

"Yes." I said my mind already made up.  Though I had no idea what it was I could do, it was plain as day Mace already had something in mind.

 

Mace Windu nodded, "There is darkness over this war.  The Dark side is clouding everything, but there is one thing we do see clearly.  Death.  The Jedi are being targeted in battle and will soon be assassinated outside of it.  We are looking for a safe route out of Coruscant that we can send our people through."

 

"And you were testing it." I said, my mind quick on the uptake, "And you need someplace near where I am as a stop or safe house.  You don't want to risk using a stranger, so you are going to use me shamelessly."

 

He nodded, "I am glad to see your reputation for intellect and quickness is not exaggerated."

 

"I should feel violated you want to use my emotions for your own personal gain but I can understand why you are doing it." I said softly, "I'll do it, but on two conditions."

 

"What?" He asked suspiciously

 

"Firstly, I want the Jedi to pass through here to bring something with them so I know they are not spies posing as Jedi to weed me out.  I need more proof other then that of 'trust me'" I said flatly

 

He nodded, "Agreed, We will do everything we can to prevent you from being found out. And the second?"

 

"Don't tell Obi-wan I am doing this." I said firmly.

 

Mace Windu's left eyebrow twitched upward. "Out of mild curiosity, why not?  I would think you'd want him to know you are doing this."

 

I blushed, "I just don't want him to worry about me, that's all."  It's true, Obi-wan hasn't said or done anything to make me think he returns my feelings.  But he hasn't come out and denied having them either.  But because of strict Jedi Creed, we had adopted a 'don't ask, don't tell' philosophy about the issue.

 

But still, I knew I had his friendship, as close as he was allowed to give me.  And as his friend, I knew he'd worry about me if he knew I was a link in an underground escape route for Jedi. He needed to concentrate on this war and not be distracted.

 

That earned me a nod from Mace Windu in my direction.  I think that nod was the Jedi equivalent of conceding a point.

 

I bit my lip, "What will you need me to do, other then let random strangers into my living room from a two hundredth story balcony?"

 

"A bed for the night and Medical care if they need it." He rumbled, "Other then that, they should have everything they need.  They will leave the same way they came in.  Oh, and take up gardening on your balcony."

 

I smirked, "You are going to sneak Jedi out of Coruscant by way of a plant care service vehicle?"

 

"Can you think of a better way?" He asked cocking his head to one side.

 

"Not really no, but plant care vehicles?" I asked again with a full out grin on my face.  Something in me was just tickled by the idea the Jedi were going to be smuggled out of the city on glorified fertilizer distributors.  I knew I'd be giggling about it every time someone arrived.

 

Mace Windu just watched me for a few moments before muttering softly, "Now...I understand."

 

I blinked in confusion, "What?"

 

Mace Windu bowed deeply to me.  Something in it told me that he was bowing more out of respect then gratitude. "Now miss, if you will excuse me, I must return to the temple.  You will be receiving the first in a few days."

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

Sure enough, as I was watching a Holo, the first knock on my balcony came exactly three days from Mace Windu's visit, almost down to the minute.  I walked over to the balcony, carrying my trusty table lamp in my hands.  The dark figure on the other side saw me and pressed something against the glass.

 

At first I thought I was going to cry.  I thought it was the very same string bracelet that I gave Obi-wan all those years ago.  At first, my heart soared, thinking it was him.  But then sense kicked in.  Unless Obi-wan had shrunk a half a foot and had a species change, it wasn't him.  My heart sank as low as it flew.  Did this mean Obi-wan was dead and Mace was using things he found in his room?  Did it mean Obi-wan didn't want the bracelet anymore?

 

I opened the door and the small female Twilik darted inside.  She pressed the bracelet into the palm of my hand before moving silent as a mouse into my spare bedroom.

 

I walked back to my chair, numb and examined the bracelet in the light.  I was able to determine it wasn't the one I gave so long ago.  This was made of different material, linen, not silk.  It was also recently made by someone who had just learned the skill since the quality of the knots increased from one end of the bracelet to the other.

 

I was still in the habit of making them, so a new one in the pile, should anyone search the place, won't seem odd.  In the abstract, bringing me a string bracelet was like bringing seashells to Mon Calamari.  But it was the same pattern and colors as the one I had given to Obi-wan.

 

I felt my mouth lift into a smile at the corner.  Thinking that I should thank Mace Windu for this touch and took it in the spirit for which it was meant.

 

It wasn't someone who knew him saying his name, but it was pretty damn close.

 

~*~*~*~*

-Tia