Archive: If Amber deems it worthy
Disclaimer: Lucas We mean no harm, we know they are yours. If you sue all you will get is a truck load of books, a computer so old you won't give it to the family pet to use, and a big ball of twine.
Warning: No beta, Jim, pack up your red pen of Death and be gentle.
Summary: Next part of my "Non specific Jedi" series. Follows "Fine Art of being a Thief" and "On the difference between Pity and Mercy".
Notes: C sharp, D flat and E natural.
I have to admit, it wasn't exactly how I imagined it happening. Hell, I never imagined it happening at all. I learned alot about myself in the space of about fifteen minutes.
Like when I am desperate, I turn suicidal and insane. I also become very very precise.
It started out like any other day. He was home from lord only know where in the Galaxy and we decided to go to one of the lesser known parks. There were two types of parks on Coruscant, the day and the night. The day parks were a riot of colour from blossoms in the sunshine, as night fell the blossoms folded up and the night parks reined. The Night parks were full of bio-luminesent blossoms and leaves that glowed all the colours of the rainbow.
We were in a day park in the evening, so we were pretty much alone. We liked the calm of seeing the silent trees and listening to the breese. Soft white globes of light turned on over the walk ways we threaded through. We talked as we liked, were quiet as we prefered. I didn't care if he spoke or was silent, I was just grateful for his presence.
We went to say good-night and give each other a hug. Who knew that a hug could betray so much. I rested my head on his shoulder and just enjoyed the moment of being given the gift of holding what I loved most in this life. Even if it was for a short while. Then I went to pull away and walk home...
But my body betrayed me. Instead of letting go, my arms simply wound tighter, instead of walking away, my feet stepped closer. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to EVER let go. A hug, just one hug was what my body and heart begged for. My lips got a taste with my earlier stolen kiss, the rest of me wanted a similar memory.
He simply continued to let me hold him, as if he understood. With that act all of my carefully wrought control evaporated and I cried, right on his shoulder. I didn't have a chance for his heart, but damn it I could seek his comfort as a friend. Friends let each other cry over broken hearts right?
To his credit, he didn't ask a single question. He just made murmuring nonsense words of comfort. At that point I had no idea what he was thinking. I guessed that he surmised I was crying over a matter of love I never spoke to him about.
When I was strong enough and my tears had mellowed out I pulled away wiping my eyes on my sleeve. I knew what I looked like when I cried... awful. snotty nose, puffy red eyes. To top it all off, crying usually gave me one hell of a headache.
He wiped away the last of my tears with his thumb, that is when I caught his eyes and saw...
He knew.
He knew EXACTLY why I was crying and over whom.
At that moment, I knew the meaning of fear. I felt as if a bell had been dropped inside me and the sonic boom of it's ring had leveled everything I held dear. A piece of dark matter was placed where my heart was, weighing me down with it's infinate mass and making me hallow by sucking everything into it's infinate gravitational pull.
I lowered my eyes. I couldn't cry, I hadn't any tears left. I was defeated, everything I fought so hard to preserve was gone. I couldn't hear the appologies tumbling from my lips since my ears mysteriously went deaf.
His hand on my shoulder pulled me back to reality a little. "No, no, don't do this to yourself. I don't hate you, far from it."
"No pity." I replied, my own voice sounding as if coming from a long distace holo connection. "Please no pity. How can we be friends now you know how I feel?"
He said softly. "I'll keep your secret, if you will keep mine."
Once again, the knell sounded, this time it resurrected me. My head jerked up and I looked into his eyes once more. I had wondered why the expression in his eyes always seemed so familiar. It was the exact same expression that I saw in the mirror, every day. The longing kept in careful check.
My brain kicked from inactive into overdrive. The joy at being truely loved in return passed back into confusion and despair. If he loved me, and knew I loved him, WHY did he keep us apart?
"Why?" I begged, I was ashamed of myself but I didn't care. I was not going to let the one dream I ever cherished completely slip from my grasp without knowing why.
He sighed and grew extremely sad, "If we... you would become a target for anyone who wished me ill."
"Did you ever think I might accept that, just for the chance to have you?" I asked, the fat tears starting to roll down again. When he made up his mind he never changed it. He made up his mind not to give us a chance. I was lost already but I couldn't help but kick and flail a little, like someone who has fallen off a cliff waves thier arms in a desperate and futile attempt.
He grabbed my shoulders and shook me a bit, his voice harder than I ever heard before, "You don't understand. If you take up with me I will wind up destroying you."
I sniffled, "That's OK. I wasn't planning on doing much with the rest of my life anyhow." The last came out as a small shaky wail.
He dropped his hands and turned his back on me. he was starting to walk away.
The bell resounded a third time, this time the realization carried a word in it's wake that made the black hole in my body suddenly explode into a supernova. That word reached my lips and was out before I knew what was happening.
"COWARD!" I cried out at the top of my lungs.
It was one hell of a thing to call a Jedi who faced down death more than I visited a shopping center. One better have a good reason.
He paused in his travel, his strong spine still facing me but his head was turned to the side. I could see his Jaw clenching and a small vein in his temple flexing.
I had his attention, I was going to inform him of his cowardice. "You aren't afraid of what will happen to me! You are frighten to death of how it will make you feel if anything did. Look, any kind of love carries it's chances. When you love another mortal there is a danger of losing them, from the stupid hurts we deal one another to the random shuttle crash. We are just fragile bones in weak flesh. I never spoke because I thought it would ruin our freindship. You never spoke out of sheer cowardice. Let me ask you this, even if we don't do anything what makes you think my getting hurt will be any easier on you..hmm?"
He lowered his head, his gaze fixed solidly on a shadowy bush near him but his focus was inward. he didn't reply.
I tossed my hands in the air, "I give up. If you ever change your mind look me up, but pray that I haven't changed mine by then."
With that I stalked off, leaving him to ponder the dark within while surrounded by the dark without. I wasn't angry, strangely. I felt as if a catharsis had happened. granted everything I loved and cherished was revealed to be kept deliberately out of my reach. The man I loved was revealed rather sharply to be very mortal with a mortal's weaknesses.
Courage of the heart was extremely rare and we are all falible to terror there, even the unflappable Jedi.
For the first time in years I wasn't afraid of anything. The worst had happened and the world didn't end as I thought it would. I felt stronger for it. More equal and deserving of the person I loved. he wasn't a holy shrine anymore. He was a person and I loved him the more for it.
As my mother often said, there is NOTHING like the feeling of being completely and totally screwed. When you are flat on your back, there is no place to go but up. I went through my night routine, crawled into bed and was asleep almost before my head hit the pillow.
***
I woke up to the sound of knocking on my door. I got up sighing truely wondering who wanted to talk to me this early in the morning. I was seriously considering dismembering whoever it was that interrupted the first restufl night's sleep I have gotten in years. When I opened the door I was greeted by a sight I thought I would never see.
There he was. Normally he was neat and clean to a precision that left most people gaping, nothing but the normal Jedi mask on his face. Here at my door he looked completely different.
He looked like a man in agony. Brows knit, eyes wide, mouth half open trying to form words that weren't leaving his throat. He clutched the door frame as if it were the only thing holding him up.
"Please come in." I said and waved him inside. He walked in slowly as if not sure of his welcome. I turned my back on him to shut the door, "So what did you.."
When I turned back around I watched the normally proud, rebellious and strong man I knew sink to his knees in front of me and bow his head.
"I have hurt you deeply for a long time." He whispered softly. "I was afraid and used deception to keep myself from facing my fear, as a result I have done you a grave injustice. I am responsible for your low sense of self worth and for the pain you bore. I know I haven't the right to it, but I beg for your forgiveness and the chance to spend the rest of my life and any other life times I may have fixing my past actions."
I blinked. Of all the things I expected, a formal Jedi appology was not it. Apparently this was a night for surprises. I found I could have courage. I found he could feel fear. I knelt down infront of him, mirroring his pose, and looked at his bent head.
"Are you still afraid?" I asked softly.
He shuddered, "Yes. I... I... I feel as if I am in hell. This ripping tearing sensation is too much. All I know right now is that it gets infinately worse at the idea of you not being in my life at all."
I smiled slightly, "You've never truly felt fear have you?"
He shook his head. "Normally I can root out the cause and... but this I can't. I... please I'm in agony."
I couldn't resist, "Well, that's love for you."
Then both of us barked in short laughter at the joke. He stayed put on his knees and made no move to get up. Apparently he wasn't going to move until he got an answer. I was idly impressed. My floor is polished concrete. Strange the things you notice and remember in the big moments isn't it?
I placed my hands on his shoulders, "I refuse to answer until you look at me. I don't have the force to tell me things about other people. I need your eyes."
He slowly raised his head to meet his eyes. Eyes are said to be the windows to the soul and at this moment, his were faithful servants. His eyes were clear and bright with unshed tears. The guilt, pain and fear shown out.
I smiled slightly, "Everyone balks when asked to enter thier own personal hell. Fear is not bad in and of it's self. It's simply a warning to us." I pulled him into a hug, "It's OK. I give you my forgiveness as freely as I give you my heart."
His arms slowly wound around me, one threaded around my waist, the other up my spine and neck into my hair. Once I was close enough he buried his nose into my neck and he simply held me there, as carefully as if he were holding a day old chick. I felt him shudder several times against me and pull in a shakey breath. This was as close to wracking sobs as as a Jedi gets.
As I said before. Of all the fantasies I toyed with on how I discovered or earned his love, this was one I never had.
We learned a lot about each other.
I learned I was his equal and posessed courage therefore our relationship, which ever direction it may take us, will be healthier for it. He will truely be able to love me in return. One cannot love someone who worships them, it just doesn't work.
He learned he can feel fear and act as irrational as any normal mortal. He learned the lesson we all do, which is not what we fear that's the enemy. It's the fear itself.
And a hug can mean so much.
***
What do you think? Continue this or no?
-Tia
