Summary: The promised sequel to "Fine Art of Being a Thief". The Jedi's side of the stolen kiss.
Archive: Eh- if amber deems it worthy
Disclaimer: Lucas... for the love of God... don't SUE! I know they are yours!
One must contemplate the difference between mercy and pity before one can give aid. Pity is a crime. Pity is where you are sitting comfortably in your own life when you see the suffering of others. You feel guilty you have when others have not so you give to relieve your own guilt more than a want to end another's suffering.
Mercy is different. Mercy is where you feel for another's pain and wish to relieve it for their sake and not your own. Mercy is never given when unasked for. The asking may be more unconscious than not, but it is plea for help none the less. I have known for years that my friend loved me, but it was out of both mercy and pity I kept silent.
It was out of mercy for her. Since I couldn't offer her what she wanted I didn't want to embarrass her and cause her more pain if I revealed I knew. She would run from me, thinking I was disgusted with her. I could see her eyes filling with tears, apologies for sins she never committed falling from her lips as she backed out the door making promises that I won't ever 'be forced' to see her again.
Unrequited love is never a sin. It's what you do about it. She's been far more honorable about it than I ever would be in her place. Oh, she may occasionally slip and sit a little closer than was normal, or once in a long while a handshake might last a fraction longer than strictly necessary, but those are easily forgiven. Mostly she just stands a little off to herself, constantly trying to have me only notice her friendship but nothing beyond it.
She's a wonderful person. It pains me to see someone as radiant and caring as her be swallowed up by dark self doubts. Self hatred is the most pure form of the darkside. The darkside eats someone alive from the inside with anger. If one's anger is an external target it tends to spread like acid onto other innocent souls as well as burning the caster. Self-doubt is acid that is poured on yourself. I could almost see the tendrils of the darkside wrapping around her luminous soul, eating her alive from the inside.
In the hospital, I could feel her near me during that last day of healing trance. The love she bore radiating out on the force giving me more than the strength I needed to heal. She wished for nothing but my continued health and happiness. I also felt her deep in thought, as if she were pondering something.
Suddenly I felt her gather herself like a bird gathering it's feathers in a windstorm. She paced silently over to me. After a heartbeat I felt a soft touch on my lips. So light, that if it weren't for the maelstrom of emotions in her heart, I wouldn't have been able to swear she was kissing me.
There was a thrill at doing something so outright ‘dangerous'. The sheer joy and wonder that she was experiencing this tactile memory and would be able to keep the remembered touch in her heart for those times when she needed it most. The love and care she felt for me, how she wished she could make me happy with it. Finally the sheer despair at the idea that the only way she could have gotten this kiss was by stealing it.
It was over before I was fully aware it was started. I moaned softly, I didn't want it to end, not yet! If this was to be the only time we kissed I wanted to give her something special, a mercy kiss. But she had already pulled away, and I felt the fear of being discovered shoot through her. So I 'settled back to sleep.'
It was mercy for her that I kept still and let her plan go without a hitch. After all, one soft stolen kiss in the night is entirely forgivable in the ledgers of crime. She asks for so incredibly little from me, even as a friend. How could I deny her this moment?
But it was out of fear for her safety I don't break my silence. If I were to tell her I loved her in return she would become a target for anyone who wished to harm me. I have earned enemies who would be so unscrupulous as to kidnap or kill someone I let the galaxy know I loved. As long as they thought we were nothing more than casual friends she remained relatively safe.
So while she thought she was taking something for herself, I was allowing myself a moment of weakness, giving myself a respite from my own pain.
And that is the greatest pity of all.
***
What do you think? Really bad? Shoot all my other sappy bunnies, who are staring at me with their one good eye?
