Rating: PG-13
Summary: A relationship gets very complicated
Disclaimer: George owns it all. I just visit. Thanks Ellie for the Beta! Also El, thanks for the title!
I can't go through this again, it's getting too complicated. I'm just going to stand my ground this time and not be persuaded by my rampant hormones and those sexy eyes. Why do I do this to myself? It seems as if we continually seek each other out, as if by magnetic attraction. The feeling is incredible but I can't keep lying to myself any longer; it's getting too painful when we part. The lines I had so securely drawn around my emotions have now blurred beyond recognition. This relationship has become self-destructive. At one time I could lie to myself, I could almost believe that this aspect of our friendship was mutually agreeable. Now I know better. I'm slowly being tortured by the emotional onslaught from our purely physical act. No feelings were to be involved, just the simple act itself. Pure unmitigating sex, nothing more, and nothing less.
How did I lose myself? That's an easy answer really, for I was cast adrift and lonely. The act itself was amazing, the physical rightness addictive. We could lay in bed day and night for weeks on end and I'd never tire or become bored from this creature's sweet release or that which was given to me. The times I called out in sheer ecstasy at the sensual overload now hangs heavy in my heart. For somewhere along this dangerous path, I lost my bearings. I lost my tight hold on our friendship and gained only the act of gratification. No, I'm lying to myself once again. I lost more than a dear friend this time. I lost my heart.
This was not how it was suppose to be. We had spoken of this agreement quite openly at the start. Yet how did I fall into this abyss which threatens to swallow me whole? Mutual gratification was what we both agreed; no strings attached. Our only rule was to not allow ourselves to become too involved with matters of the heart and to keep the sex purely that, sex. So why do I find myself dreading this revelation? Because I've crossed the line, I can no longer pretend to just physically use our bodies, when it's become apparent that I have traveled much further along this wayward path. My emotions for her run deep and the reality of this choice is not good. There can be no future for us, of this I'm certain.
There can be no stable home for us. There can be no children. For us there can be no joint destiny to traverse. I am a Jedi; my future regrettably does not include a happy contented home life, with a wife, kids and a menial job. My duty lies to my chosen life and it would be so unfair to believe I could ask her to give up everything she holds dear to stay at home and become lonely for my return. A return which might not happen one day if this war continues to escalate. And what gives me the right to believe she even has such feelings for me?
There she is, even more beautiful today than the day we met. She is enchanting. Everything about her screams to my body to pull her close and make mad passionate love to her, right in the middle of all these people. A fantasy yes, reality no. For to keep my sanity and heart intact, I must make my peace and beg her forgiveness at letting this ruse escalate to what it has now become. I laugh at the thought that I still wish to be friends, for I know how pathetic that sounds after such intimacies. But it's true, I don't want to lose her from my life, she makes me laugh even when the universe seems to be crashing about my feet. How do I make her see my emotions for her run deep and that this path we have chosen is wrong? Maybe its selfishness on my part to think we could still be friends yet sever the physical bonds, but I must try. If for no other reason than to save both our hearts from being ripped apart.
