I wanted to be a preacher,
a lost soul seeker,
a kind of spiritual teacher.
A class above the rest,
a calling that carried natural respect,
to show the world God had forgiven me,
and called me blessed.

With the cloth there comes an automatic acceptance.
An attitude that would have sheltered me from a lot
of everyday, common rejections.
I've since learned that pastors,
nuns and other clergy alike,
are granted respect,
no matter who they put first in their lifes.
I'm not implying they don't deserve that respect,
just being in that club would have deprived me of
certain tests.

God had some dirty work for me to do,
sort of a private investigator,
an internal navigator.
I was to become a sin miner,
to search for the hidden pure gold,
to become a personal refiner.

Indeed, God had far different plans,
and since I had given myself into His capable hands,
He grabbed my shoulder and sent me in a different direction.
On a path that required time,
and a deeper reflection.
One that lead me to serious,
inner inspection.

I had experienced a lot in my outcast years.
He wanted me to take the time to learn the truth,
behind my own inner hidden fears.
A journey I could now bear,
Because God granted me the wisdom
to place myself totally in His care.

On that inner voyage God asked me to take,
we ventured into that secret realm of truth most people
hate.
A dark, dismal, selfish, unfriendly place.
But I know He holds the blueprints for my redecoration,
having promised to make in me,
a brand new creation.

Over time,
God unearthed stuff I didn't even know
was buried there.
Attitudes and characteristics,
I plan to overcome with prayer.
I know He will keep swinging the axe and picking away in
the dark,
until ample light shines thought.
Enough to melt my stubborn,
selfish heart.