I've just given birth to a heifer,
Of pride and milk I am full.
But it's sad to relate my late little state
Was not brought about by a bull.

I've never been naughty, I swear it,
Despite the calf that I've borne.
Like Farmer Brown's tractor I'm virgo intacta,
I've not had a bull by the horns.

How drab are the farm yards and meadows,
The paddocks seem empty and grey.
The one bit of fun in life's dreary run
Has by science been taken away.

If what I've heard is the truth,
And natural to all it must seem,
A cow's female passion is all out of fashion
And bully is naught but a dream.

I know that the farm is a business
In which we must all pull our weight.
Well I'd pull and I'd pull for a strongly built bull,
But this phoney business I hate.

No bull has ever caressed me,
I've not had the ghost of a binge.
I'd never been loved but brutally shoved
By a bloody great plastic syringe.

It must be thought that I'm jealous,
There are things a cow mustn't say,
But those female tarts that handle my parts
Still get theirs the old fashioned way.