December 28,1997
Dear Brother Dan:
In our church, we call each other brother or sister, thus reminding ourselves that God is our father and Christ is our older brother, that’s why I used this title.
But you may ask, why is Allen sending me a letter when he lives
next door? I would answer, why not?
It is often true that people who live in apartments seldom become
acquainted, it is also difficult for a brotherly relationship
to develop between landlord and tannate. But with Christ, all
things are possible.
I’m certain you have met or heard about people with strange,
peculiar, or quirky character or behavior traits. People do odd
things all the time: we shake our heads in amused bewilderment
wondering whatever possessed them to act that way.
An incident just occurred, while I was writing these lines, that
illustrates my point. I needed a ride to church, a gentleman was
contacted who agreed to pick me up but he failed to arrive at
the customary time, so I assumed he had forgotten. Five minutes
AFTER the service began, he arrived, without an apology, but then
it occurred to me that he is always late. Behind this apparent
nonchalance must lay a reasonable explanation.
Several months ago, a woman acquaintance confessed to us that
she was surprised to learn that everyone didn’t think the
same way she does. When attempting to explain to Sevilla how to
find instant potatoes, her daughter, who lives in Michigan, said
it was on the third isle past the check out counter right next
to the rice. She assumed all grocery stores were similar to hers.
These incidents are amusing for they illustrate a common problem
with humanity, egocentrism, the belief that the essence of all
experience is contained in my perceptions, or I am the center
of the universe. With cultures, societies, or nations, this is
called ethnocentrism, but the same principal applies. This concept
is easily shattered with education or travel, but it is particularly
strong with the illiterate or untraveled.
But what I wanted to talk about was behavior not attitudes. While
attending an over eaters anonymous group, I meat a highly emotional
woman. She seemed always to be on the verge of tears, laughter,
sadness, exuberance, or some other wild emotional swing. Because
I enjoy studying human behavior and psychology, I quickly understood
the cause of her wild mood swings as a hysterical personality
arising out of a traumatic childhood experience. With this realization
came genuine affection, which was, of course, held in proper restraint.
An elderly man, whom I changed to meet, was angry with the church
and had dropped his membership. Hostility, resentment, and bitterness
characterized his demeanor whenever church affairs were discussed.
He and his wife were visiting when he changed to mention that
he had donated $10.000 to build the church. Joy turned to chagrin
when a bunch of young people took over the church, ousting him
from the prominence he thought his gift should have conferred
upon him. When I pointed out his error, urging him to repent of
his bitter attitude, his face reddened, he leaped to his feet,
and flounced out of the house. (The word flounce is usually a
feminine character trait but this word aptly described his reaction.)
He is a good man except for this flaw, which I fear remains unconfessed
and may shut him out of heaven. Pride is a most insidious weed.
I could go on with many more examples like these, but the point
is clear, once a character trait is understood, our attitudes
ought to soften toward the individual. With comprehension comes
genuine love or mercy.
However, such is usually not the reaction. When a quirk of behavior
is explained or understood, many people, because of egocentrism,
cannot fathom it, for it lies outside of their comprehension,
or they don’t believe it (certainly he’s lying or making
excuses, nobody in their right mind would act that way,) or we
obstinately refuse to believe it for to credit the explanation
as true means our attitudes must change.
For several years, a woman acquaintance acted, toward me, as if
I were a freak from the circus. I asked her husband an explanation
of this behavior. His answer was unsettling, although significant.
She tends to hang unto an initial impression even when she is
proven wrong, was his answer. Given this extraordinary degree
of pride, reality has no effect. I’m right, even if I’m
wrong. You ought to conform to my perception of existence.
When criticizing someone for a foolish or strange behavior, I
remind myself, lacking the understanding, what seems odd is coherent
and perfectly rational to the individual.
What is the old Indian saying, “I will not judge a man until
I have walked a mile in his moccasins.” This idea probably
originated with a Irishman, but the source of all wisdom and intelligence
resides with Native Americans, Chinese sages, or Buddha, but then
I’m being unkind.
Would that all of us took people at face value, never questioning
motives or mental capacity. Which reminds me of a man (I shall
call him Bob) whose mental acumen was, to all appearances, underdeveloped.
Bob was the butt of many unkind jokes. However, I had the opportunity
of getting acquainted with him and learned that he had been sexually
molested as a child and spurned by his father. I met the father
and now pity Bob. Anyone growing up under his tender mercies deserves
pity. While Bob continues to manifest strange behavior, I understand
them. With cognizance came friendship.
When I criticize weird behavior, I set myself up as judge with
a holier-then-thou attitude, but am I free of weird behaviors,
I think not for my actions may be weirder to others then theirs
are to me.
The sum of the matter, to quote Solomon, is generosity toward
all quirks of whom I am the chief.
May the Lord bless you, your brother in Christ.
Allen A. Benson