March 21,1997
Dear Br. McGee:
You and your wife have undergone some extraordinary problems recently. The vast majority of well-meaning people, learning of her repeated hospitalizations in the last two months, of the gangrene in her foot, of the subsequent amputation and now her rehabilitation, spend much time commiserating with her and expressing the usual and customary sympathies. But, often over looked by well meaning friends and well wishers, is the spouse or family of the sick or injured person, namely, yourself.
Your love, concern, and anxiety for her must be great. As you
watch her suffer, facing the threat, then the realization of loosing
a leg, your heart must be stirred with unfathomable desire to
ease her pain and discomfort. Her fear must be yours also. While
she may relent in tears, you cannot afford this luxury, you suppose,
but must maintain a supportive, upbeat attitude, ever directing
her mind to her Savior and eternal friend.
But where is the friend to support and comfort you, to listen
to your worries and fears, to give you the strength to be strong
for her? Who can you lean upon during this time of personal stress?
Who will comfort you, sustain you, encourage you to be strong.
Perhaps, like most men, you squelch these emotions, stuffing them
inside an already overflowing heart. Perhaps, you feel that it
is unmanly to cry, to feel emotions, to sense your vulnerability
should your wife sicken and die? Perhaps you beehive men should
not feel such things as fear, anxiety, worry, etc., but this is
not true. While we should never give way to these emotions in
an uncontrollable orgy of self-pity, feelings and emotions are
natural, and in appropriate settings, it is natural to express
them.
After all, the scriptures say that Christ was so moved by the
sight of Jerusalem, as a representation of the nation that was
about to reject him, that he gave vent to great emotion and tears
over their eventual fate. If he could cry, then we, even men,
can also express ourselves through this natural release of emotions.
He cried at the death of Lazarus, his friend, at the death of
the son of the widow of Nain, and was touched with the feelings
of the infirmities of suffering humanity he encountered every
day. He was both compassionate and sympathetic to suffering, full
of tender pity for the less fortunate, incensed at the corruption
of his ordained worship service by the religious leaders of his
day.
He rejoiced when others rejoiced, cried with them over their sorrows,
laughed with genuine amusement over the childish pranks of boys
and girls, was pleased with the gift of flowers brought by toddlers
with their mothers in tow. While it is true that he sternly rebuked
sin and unbelief, he did so with teas in his eyes. His voice was
never raised in anger, bereft of the softening influence of sadness
and compassion for the lost sinner who knew not his or her helpless
condition.
We would do well to read the scriptures with an eye to Christ’s
humanity. He was fully God and fully man, he understood grief,
yet he was ever ready with a winning smile, a genial laugh, he
knew how to sympathize with bereaving parents or at the bedside
of a sick friend. He entered into the feelings of others, and,
through this means, taught them of God’s compassion for human
suffering. He understood grief, loosing his father at an early
age. He witnessed the agony of his mother while hanging on the
cross and was so mindful of her comfort as to commit her into
the tender embrace of his beloved disciple, John.
He was mindful of Peter’s tears of confession, never humiliating
or berating him for his cowardliness in the time of temptation
for he understood the full potential of human nature.
The Bible should never be read, as some are want to read it, with
a stern manner or vocal intonation without being coupled with
love, for his voice was constantly infused with love as was his
manner of speaking at all times, even when rebuking sin or pride.
Melody filled his heart and he could often be heard in his father’s
carpenter shop or traveling the hot dusty roads in melodious song.
He had an infectious laugh and smile that set men at ease in his
presence.
Let us set aside our manly reserve and in times such as you are
experiencing, allow ourselves to be human.
A female acquaintance of mine once told me that women love to
see men cry. Not that they like to see men cry, she quickly assured
me, but when men give vent to the natural emotion, it makes them
more manly in the eyes of women for expressions of vulnerability
and sympathy come naturally to the feminine heart.
God loves you, brother and he is ever mindful of your concern
and fears for your wife. Assure her often, with tears and emotion,
if necessary, that you are concerned for her. She will not laugh
or remonstrate with you for being unmanly, but love you more.
Your properly expressed feelings may even encourage her and buoy
her own failing or faltering faith.
Strengthen yourself in the Lord. Trust your emotions to him. Make
yourself vulnerable with your wife and trusted friends, if you
have them. The rewards are great.
May the Lord bless you with strength through vulnerability, courage
through tears, tenderness through temptation, and a caring spirit
through suffering. Your brother in Christ.
Allen A. Benson