Just Jokes!
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went
horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out
of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when
things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When
this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce
harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope
and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank
goodness for heroes.
Little
Benjamin sat down at the desk to write a letter to God asking for a little
sister. He started the letter like this: Dear God, I've been a very good
boy....He stopped in the middle of the line, again thinking. God won't be moved
by this. So he wadded up the letter and into the trash it went. Benjamin then
went into the bathroom and grabbed a big terry cloth towel off the rack. He
carried itinto the living room and carefully laid it on the couch. He smoothed
out all the wrinkles. Then he went over to the fireplace mantle, reached up and
very carefully lifted down a statue of the Madonna. He had often seen his mother
carefully dust the statue and he had eyed it many times. On several occasions,
his parents had told him that he could not touch the statue. Now, with all the
care he could muster, he had it in his possession. Benjamin gently placed the
statue in the middle of the towel, carefully folding over the edges. He then
placed a rubber band around the whole thing. He brought it to the desk, took out
another piece of paper and began to write his third letter to God. It went like
this: Dear God, If you ever want to see your Mother again.....
There
was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88,
88...." until a blonde came up to and and said, "That looks like fun,
can I try?" The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88,
88..." "Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is
even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street." So the blonde
said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88,
88" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. along the side of
the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89......"
Two
guys go hunting, Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.
When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a
sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile
away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream! He rushes back to Jerry and yells,
"I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried, I
really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that
bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two
chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat
them here?' I couldn't keep quiet anymore!!!"
A
golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the
eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round the $200. As he
was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set
down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest and began to wait
for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and
returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most
touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly
loosing your concentration to pay your respects." The golfer says,
"Well we were married for 25 years."
Bubba
and Earl are driving down the road one day drinking a beer. bubba notices that
the sheriff has set up a road block up ahead and tells Earl to pull over. Earl
says, "So bubba, what do we do?" Bubba says, "just chug that beer
Earl." So Earl and Bubba chug their beer. "Now what?" says Earl.
Bubba says, "Peel that label off the bottle and throw the bottle out the
window!" Earl responds and throws the bottle out the window. "Now
what, Bubba?" asks Earl. "Now take that label and stick it on your
forehead." "Do what???" asks Earl. "Just do it!: says Bubba.
OK, so Earl and Bubba stick the labels on their foreheads, now they drive down
the road and sure enough the sheriff stops them. "Hi Earl, Bubba. You guys
been drinking beer today?" With a straight face Bubba replies, "No
sir, sheriff, we're on the patch."
There
were two brother, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever
went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their
parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest
nearby who worked with delinquent boys the mother suggested to the father that
they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father agreed. The mother went to
the priest and made her request. He agree, but said he wanted to see the younger
boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the
boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes
they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his
forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under
the desk, in the corners of the room, all around but said nothing. Again,
louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?".
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder,
firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger
almost to the boy's nose and asked, "Where is God?". The boy panicked
and ran out of the church and all the way home. Finding his older brother, he
dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually
plotted their mischief. When he quit trembling, he said, "We are in BIG
trouble!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think WE did it!!"
It's
graduation day and everybody's going to get their diploma but John. At the assembly,
the entire senior class stands up and shouts, "Let John graduate, Let John
graduate!" The principal agrees to give John one last chance. "If I
have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, John, how many
apples do I have?" he asked. John thought long and hard and then said,
"Ten." And the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give
John another chance, give John another chance!!"
After
spending 3 1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane
regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to
pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection...a baseball bat...to the cash
register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" I
snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained. "I've spent the
afternoon at the motor vehicle bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the
bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
Man
to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God to Man:
"So you would love her." "But God," Man says, "why did
you make her so dumb?" God replies: "So she would love you."
Wieners
come in packs of 10, buns in packs of 8, beer in packs of 6, condoms in packs of
3. Why can't they get it straight? Men need a calculator just to have a weekend.
Some
evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine: Sign in a gas station:
Coke---49 cents. Two for a dollar.
A
very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" To
which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his
table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean, $200?"
Why
did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Most
computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and keyboard.
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