What does it mean to be a one-woman man?

lust and pornography

The purpose of this [article] is to address Christian men and boys on some of the practical problems resulting from the pervasiveness of pornography in our culture. This pervasiveness reflects an underlying problem with lust, which must consequently be addressed first. What the Bible calls lust creates a considerable demand, and pornography is simply one of the modern market's attempts to produce something which will meet that demand. The problem is not outside of ourselves in the X-rated videos, or in the skin magazines, or with the porn on the net, or with Suzy Q sun-bathing next door. The problem is within — even within believers. This is simply another way of saying that the problem with pornography is not the pornography.

Some professing Christian men use various kinds of porn and defend it. Others oppose porn, but use it anyway, kicking themselves every time afterwards. Others oppose it, don't use it, but really wish they could. Their virtue" is really more a matter of cowardice than anything else. "What if someone at church found out?" So we should see immediately that the problem of lust, and the resultant problems, are not really that simple. One of the more important lessons for us to learn is that while the occasions for sin are external and "out there," the real problem is with our lusts within.

We must come to rethink the relationship between masculinity and being seduced. John Milton uses a striking phrase in Paradise Lost, referring to those men who were seduced by the "daughters of men." When shown the future seduction of these men, these descendents of his, Adam attempts to blame the women involved — "Man's woe holds on the same, from Woman to begin." The angel replies to the contrary:

From Man's effeminate slackness it begins.

effeminate slackness

Many men like to flatter themselves, thinking that the ease with which they might be seduced is somehow a masculine trait. In reality it is quite the reverse. At the heart of masculinity is the possession of authority and taking of initiative; by creation design a man is intended by God to be a head, a head willing to sacrifice himself. But part of our word seduction comes from the Latin word duco, which means "I lead." This original meaning carries over in our use of the word seduction. When a man is seduced he is being led, and when a woman seduces she is leading. So when a man is seduced (whether by a living woman or a pornographic woman is immaterial) he is relinquishing and abdicating his assigned role. While he may still perform the male role in intercourse, he is no longer masculine in the relationship. He remains biologically male, but he is no longer being covenantally masculine.

The Bible uses strong phrases to illustrate the point. The mother of King Lemuel warns him bluntly about it.She says, Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings (Prov. 31:3). A king might think himself quite a man because he has physical access to so many women. In reality, far from exhibiting the strength of a king, he is wasting away that strength. Within marriage, biblical sexual behavior strengthens a man in his masculinity. Promiscuity and pornography drain it away.

The end of any man who gives way to the immoral woman is that of an innervated weakling. Rather than growing in manhood, he discovers at the end of his life that he had really played the fool. He finds that he has given away his honor, his years, his wealth, his labors, and his health. Not much of a man is left —

Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man’s house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, “How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly.
| Prov. 5:8-14 |

But when a man lives under the blessing of God, he learns to exercise dominion. He begins this cultural dominion in his home, with his family. If he turns away from his Wife, and God wants to slap him down, He may do so by means of a loose woman: The mouth of strange women is a deep pit: he that is abhorred of the LORD shall fall therein (Prov. 22:14). A man who has been seduced is the antithesis of a man pursuing his God-given masculine calling. Instead of learning the meaning of headship under God, he descends to the level of a dumb animal —

At the window of my house I looked out through the lattice. I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men, a youth who lacked judgment. He was going down the street near her corner, walking along in the direction of her house at twilight, as the day was fading, as the dark of night set in.

Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent. (She is loud and defiant, her feet never stay at home; now in the street, now in the squares, at every corner she lurks.) She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: “I have fellowship offerings at home; today I fulfilled my vows. So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you! I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. Come, let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love! My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.” With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life.
| Prov. 7:6-23 |

He is described as a simple man, as one devoid of understanding. The initiative in the sexual encounter is the woman's, and she entices him contrary to the law of God. He goes with her as an ox goes to the slaughter. He may feel like quite a man, but he is really at the end of some woman's rope. Chesterton once commented that "free love is the direct enemy of freedom. It is the most obvious of all the bribes that can be offered by slavery." A man set free by Christ does not willingly enter into such slavery; he recognizes that the "freedoms" promised by immorality can be exercised in a six-by-six prison cell. Although a man in the midst of immorality mayfeel like she is "bringing out the man in him," Milton's phrase should still come back to haunt him — effeminate slackness.

Now to understand our attraction to pornography, we have to understand ourselves in the light of what the Bible teaches about us and our desires.

First, the biblical standard of sexual morality is not difficult to understand. The Lord Jesus makes it plain that married men are to be absolutely faithful, mentally and physically, and single men are to be absolutely chaste, mentally and physically. His words on the subject are wellknown:

You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
| Matt. 5:28 |

As mentioned earlier, the problem we have in meeting this standard is not outside ourselves in pornography; the problem is in our lusts. The Bible says nothing about Penthouse, but quite a bit about our concupiscence, without which the bookkeeper down at Penthouse would have trouble making payroll. When Paul tells us to mortify our members which are on the earth, he goes on to define them. These members, still present in the believer, include a desire to do sexual wrong:

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
| Col. 3:5 |

The desire which we as Christians must battle is not just a "plain vanilla," morally neutral, biological desire for sex. We are fallen creatures, and even as Christians our redemption is not yet completed. We must still deal with the fact that we will confront desires, comingfrom within ourselves, which are attractive to us by virtue of the fact that they are prohibited by God. Paul does not tell us to restrain our sexual desires because, if we don't watch it, they could be put to a wrong use. These members of ours on the earth are not morally neutral; they must be mortified‑put to death. Paul here uses the aorist imperative which indicates a completed action. We are to kill these things, and walk away from the corpses. But even when this is done, it does not mean that all our problems with lust will then vanish away. Paul also tells us in Romans that the duty of mortification of lust remains an ongoing one —

For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live...
| Romans 8:13 |

This requirement is stated in the present tense; it remains a duty for any who have an unredeemed body. Christians are capable of giving way to sin and temporarily allowing that sin to do in them and with them what it ought not to do. If sin has permanent dominion in a man, then the man is unregenerate. As John teaches us, a man born of God does not sin habitually in such a way (1 John 3:9).

Before regeneration, a man was dominated by the desires of the flesh. This dominion of the flesh we may call the "old man." When this old man is crucified with Christ, it is no longer a factor (Rom. 6:1-6). But while reigning sin is dead and gone, this does not mean that the corruptions of the flesh are gone. Christians sometimes find themselves doing corrupt things with their earthly bodies‑so Paul says to knock it off and to mortify such practices. Put them to death, and walk away.

But he also teaches that we must defend our walk with God daily from this enemy within:

Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.
| Rom. 6:12 |

Christians, whose old man has died with Christ, are told not to let sin reign. How would it be possible for a true Christian to let sin reign in his mortal body? When Paul says we should not obey it in its lusts, the Greek requires that the pronoun refer back to the phrase "mortal body." Sin reigns in a Christian when that Christian does what his mortal body tells him to. "Hey, would you take a look at her!" Resistance must continue as long as the body has desires which are contrary to the law of God, which is to say, until we die. We must set our selves against these things constantly.

These lusts are not raging in someone elses members. As Christians, we must abstain from our own lusts. Before we were converted, we would conform to our former lusts in ignorance. Peter says,

Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance: but as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation.
|1 Pet. 1:13-15 |

Peter is telling Christians to avoid conforming themselves to a pattern of lust. This is what they used to do, but they are to do so no longer. Now remember that his prohibition is delivered to Christians. Christians are told to refrain from doing something they are obviously capable of doing. The New Testament is filled with such warnings to Christians.

A few verses later, he tells Christians to abstain from their lusts:

Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.
| 1 Pet. 2:11 |

These lusts (our lusts) are at war with the soul (our souls). They are not a raging fire in somebody else's head. If that were the case, obedience to this command would be a piece of cake.

Scripture delivers these sorts of warnings to Christians again and again. When a believer finds himself allured by the world or the things in it, he is sinning. But he is not sinning in some bizarre, unheard of fashion. These lusts are a standard-issue problem. If someone gives way to these lusts, loving them, the love of the Father is not in him. But if someone claims that he does not have these lusts at all, then he is an unvarnished liar or a block of wood (1 Jn. 1:8-10) —

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world — the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does — comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
| 1 John 2:15-17 |

One of the solutions presented to us in Scripture is the practice of thinking about our lusts in their proper context. In Colossians, Paul tells us to set our minds on things above — this would enable us to put to death our earthly members. We may put fornication to death because we have already died and our life is hidden with Christ in God. In this passage, John reminds us that the world is passing away, and all its lusts. We are to meditate on this. Lust is an evanescent, temporal thing. One hundred years ago, many thousands of men were just as lustful as they are today. At the time it was experienced, the lust seemed powerful and all-consuming. But where is that lust now? For that matter, where are they now? The peculiar clarity of mind, and resulting change of attitude, which comes after lust is satisfied provides no relief, only harshness. The reaction that follows the fulfillment of the lust is unlikely to be balanced —

But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her. Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”
| 2 Sam. 13:14-15 |

Christian men must seek another kind of clarity, and learn to see their lusts and desires in the light of eternal things. To meditate on our position in Christ is one preventative measure, and to consider the fleeting nature of sexual immorality is another. Yet another is remembering the fact that Godjudges:

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
| Heb. 13:4-5 |