The Washing Machine
© By Gord M. 1998
I heard a fellow say the other day that Alcoholics Anonymous had tried to brainwash him, and that he was far too intelligent to let that happen. What I couldn’t understand was how a fellow with such a dirty brain could think he was so smart.
For years I cleaned the mess in my head by soaking my brain in <Alcohol. The result was frightening.
For starters, the colours all faded. My brain became dull, no longer sharp and bright. No matter what type of Alcohol I used, there was always a fuzzy residue. The worst part was that the dirt always came back immediately, and since the Alcohol never properly cleansed my brain, the build up became out of control and unmanageable. I finally decided there had to be another way, and I asked for some help.
I was introduced to this Alcoholics Anonymous, and I’m here to tell you that it is the most powerful Brain Washing Machine I believe the world has ever seen. Here’s how it works.
It uses something called Steps to sanitize the cranium. Alone, these Steps don’t do a proper job, but when these Steps are combined with other ingredients in this Magic Machine, the result is absolutely amazing.
There are actually twelve of these Steps in total, and the First Step is Water. You simply have to put your brain into it.
The Second Step is the Detergent, which really is the magical ingredient in the whole process. Different brains use various Brand Names of Detergent, but it is commonly referred to as Higher Power. I will be referring to this Detergent a lot, for it is truly the root of the way the entire process works.
Step Three is where the Detergent begins to penetrate the brain, and take control over the dirt.
Now, I did say there was a lot of build up on my brain, and the first three Steps took quite a long time to start taking affect. There were other ingredients introduced to get at the really tough, stubborn stains (and let me tell you, there were a lot of those). One of the most effective products for my brain was Shut Up and Listen, and the new and improved Grow Up.
At first, you spend an enormous amount of time washing your brain. For the first 90 days, it’s a daily routine to place it in the water, and the occasional twice a day doesn’t hurt. Slowly but surely, your brain will begin to feel cleaner.
I should point out that you will be immediately introduced to the 12 parts and tools that keep this Machine running, known as Traditions. They make sure the Machine runs smoothly, and in correct timing with all the other parts. For instance, Tradition Three ensures that only brains that want washing go into the water, and Tradition Seven is the coin slot. Tradition Eleven is a neat one; it’s the tool that allows your brain to look out of the machine, but only lets those people who want their brains washed look in.
You soon learn that while your brain is being washed, you are helping all the other brains stay clean. In fact, this Detergent is so powerful, that helping to wash another brain actually washes your own. Most brains find another who has been in the Machine a little longer, is a bit cleaner, and can be a great source of agitation. These brains are called Sponsors.
By now you feel the effects of the Machine are paying off. Your brain is no longer fuzzy, and the colours have started to come back. Steps Four and Five are necessary to get at the dirt that has built up underneath the surface. These are the High Spin Cycle and the Flush.
The High Spin Cycle is done on your own, and what a ride it is. You will find dirt in there you never knew existed. Once you get it all in the open, you get another brain to help Flush it out, right down the drain. The Detergent is still there during the whole process.
Once that is complete, you prepare for the Detergent to remove the dirt. This preparation is known as Step Six, and Step Seven is the actual removal process. I should point out that the Machine never completely washes the brain, and there will always be an accumulation of dirt from time to time. This is why I continue to get my brain washed at least three times a week.
At this point in the process, there is still some common dirt that remains. This dirt is the residue from when you were soaking your brain in Alcohol, and caused when, while splashing around, dirt had gone flying in all different directions. Believe it or not, the dirt left around has to be washed up as well, or your brain will never be completely clean. It starts with another Spin Cycle known as Step Eight. Again, the dirt is identified, and then in Step Nine; the Detergent with you; you try to clean up all of the dirt you sent flying.
Step Ten is merely a Rinse Cycle you go through, over and over again, finding new dirt and washing it away.
During the Step Eleven process, you begin to understand more about the powerful Detergent used. The more you learn about it, the cleaner your brain becomes. Whenever you take your brain out of the Machine, the Detergent sticks, helping it stay clean. You simply have to ensure that your brain holds onto the Detergent at all times.
When you get to Step Twelve, you will have an Amazing Discovery. Your brain, thoroughly washed, has actually undergone a complete change; a very Awakening change. This change is called Spirituality, which can only be described as a dependence upon the Detergent which makes your brain more resistant to dirt. You continue to cycle through all the Steps over and over again, helping other brains get washed as well.
Some of the other ingredients and parts include the One Day At A Time, which is just a timer on the machine, limiting the amount of dirt that a brain should be exposed to at one particular time. There’s the Live and Let Live, which, when properly used, allows you to focus only on your own dirt. You can help another brain get washed, but concentrating on their dirt only adds to yours. These small portions of the Washing Process, known commonly as Slogans, really help when you first put your brain in the water, and continue to be a big part as you go through the Steps.
One of my favorite Slogan ingredients is Keep Coming Back, which is a Scheduler for brains to follow when they need to get washed.
I’ve seen a lot of brains since I’ve been using the A.A. Machine. All of them have been subjected to the Alcohol Soaking Method one way or another, and have pretty much had similar results to my own. Some brains come to the Machine through a ringer, where the Alcohol is squeezed out and the brain is dumped in the water. In this ringer, known as a Treatment Centre, the brains are introduced to the A.A. Machine and the magic Detergent.
A lot of brains just get into the water, not believing the Detergent will work. Some go back to the Alcohol Soaking Method, and tragically enough, it isn’t long before the brain is dirtier than it was before.
Even more tragic are the ones who have been using the Machine for a while, sometimes years, and then revert back to the Alcohol. What usually happens is they stop putting their brains in the water regularly, forgetting about the good old Scheduler Keep Coming Back. The dirt begins to accumulate, and then, for some baffling reason, they decide to try the Alcohol Soaking again, and the dirt begins to pile on at an alarming rate.
All in all, though, any brain I’ve ever seen who uses the Washing Instructions properly, taking advantage of all the Steps, Traditions, and other helpful ingredients explained, has always stayed clean. That powerful Detergent; the root of the cleaning process; always stays with them.
If your brain is dirty, and you’ve been trying the Alcohol Soaking Method with little success, I strongly urge you to try the greatest Brain Washing Machine in the world, Alcoholics Anonymous.
The only washing machine I know that can clean, and always keep the contents dry.