Watching Dave's crasy singing sunflower.

Welcome to my page. Come back and see how things have changed.  

Tyler and his Daddy on the dragon ride at Santa Cruz.

Here's my cute nephew in his new car

See the all new Clown Band Page (Last Updated 6/7/99)

The Unofficial SCV Vanguard Cadets Hornline Page

Check out some more pictures of my cute nephew

Check out some pictures from the waterski trip.

Musical Joke Page.  Go look and laugh. (Last Updated 4/3/2001)

Links

My Dad's Web Page

My big brother Phil's Web Page

My cousin Ben's web page from alaska

Check out Randy's web page

Santa Clara Vanguard Family Web Page

Santa Clara Vanguard Web Site

Email me at KRydeen@aol.com.

Since November 22, 1998

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$10

Quoting Herb Alpert or Mangione Song

$25

Farting on bandstand

$25

Practicing legit style on swing gig

$35

Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days

$50

Beginning a sentence with "When I played for Kenton..."

$50

Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you also play Keyboards

$100

BASIC STUPIDITY:

Wearing old MF tour shirt

$15

Wearing new MF tour shirt

$25

Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece

$20

Continually asking "where are we?"

$25

Pretending to be friends with a bone player

$50

Actually being friends with a bone player

$200

Dating a bone player

$750

Loaning money to bone player

4x amount loaned

Sitting next to conductor at meals

$100

Beethoven

A tourist is going through a graveyard in Vienna and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

"No", says the expert, "DO YOU GET IT?"

"He's decomposing"

Some pretty good jokes!

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?	A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why are viola jokes so short?	So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?	A dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?	None. They can't get up that high.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?	No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and the instrument?	Violins don't have spit valves.
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?	Write "pp, espressivo.".
How long does a harp stay in tune?	About twenty minutes, or until someone opens a door.
Why was the piano invented?	So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
What is a burning oboe good for?	Setting a bassoon on fire.
Why did the chicken cross the road?	To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?	A bad oboist can kill you.
What's the definition of "nerd"?	Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "I think you'd better pull out now."	He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?	"Hi. I'm better than you."
How do french horn players traditionally greet each other?	"Hi. I played that piece last year."
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?	It's easier to improvise on a chain saw.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?	Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?	On or off.
How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?	Three. One to hold the lightbulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to twenty minutes?	So they don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?	A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?	Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door.	The knock always slows down.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?	Ask him to play 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?	To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?	It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?	Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before he figures out that they can't just be pushed in.
What do you call 5 horn players living together?	A Crack house!
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?	Vibrato, although you can minimize the difference by holding the chain saw very still

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section, "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

The first bassist pulls all his strings and says' "Our tuning is correct; all our strings are equally tight."

The first violinist turns around and says, "You idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the green room after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint:

"Write your repertoire."

Do You Like the Marching Band?  by Jay and Wendy Rees

I am Sam

I am Sam

Sam I am.

That Sam I am

That Sam I am

I do not like that Sam I am.

Do you like the marching band?

I do not like it, Sam I am

I do not like the marching band.

Would you march from here to there?

I would not march from here to there

I would not march most anywhere

I do not like the marching band

I do not like it, Sam I am.

Would you always be on time?

And never wander out of line?

Memorize your music well?

Because the audience can tell.

I never get to class on time

I don't know how to stand in line

To know my music all by heart

Is not a project I will start

I do not like the marching band

I do not like it, Sam I am.

Would you, could you roll your feet?

And keep your uniform pressed and neat?

I would not, could not roll my feet

Or keep my chin up in this heat.

Would you practice out of class

To get results out on the grass?

You may like band, you will see

The work is worth it, believe you me!

I do not like to march around

So don't tell me how to "Bear Down."

Being part of a group is not my scene

And I hear Prof. Rees is mean

I do not like the marching band

I do not like the marching band

I do not like it, Sam I am.

We do it for the love of art

It comes from deep within our heart

Listen and keep an open mind

The energy you need you'll find

When you push yourself to a personal best

Your inner strength will do the rest

You do not like it, so you say

Try it! Try it! And you may

Try it and you may, I say.

Sam, if you will let me be

I will try it, you will see

I will try the marching band

I will try it, Sam I am.

Say, I like the marching band

I do, I like it, Sam I am

And I'll do it for the love of art

And I will learn my part

And you will see me march around

While I play that old "Bear Down"

Practicing outside of class

Will get results out on the grass

And I will roll from heel to toe

To be part of this group will make me grow

With 250 members together

Our memories will last forever

So, I will march from here to there

Say, I will march most anywhere

I do so like the marching band

I do so like it, Sam I am

I do so like it, Sam I am

I do so like the marching band

Thank you

Thank you

Sam I am.

Not a Musical Joke, but pretty funny anyway.

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another.

On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?

GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes

AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle

BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.

CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't

CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"

CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes

CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs

CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa

CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or

CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster

CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.

DUCTIA: A lot of mallards

EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn

ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec

GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums

HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett

INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: A long time Minor Interval: A few bars Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again

INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages

ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half

MINNESINGER: A boy soprano

MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking

NEUMS: Renaissance midgets

NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets

ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"

PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education

ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts

TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge

LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

SANCTA: Clausula's husband

LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale

DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys

LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows

VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai

CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister

MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded

ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one

PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire

DUCTIA: Vire's organum

MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line

BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short

TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all

TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early

LONGA: The time between visits with Vire

PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai

CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used

DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet

RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet

SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet

ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town

ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper

HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum

QUAVER: Beginning viol class

RACKETT: Capped reeds class

RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi

SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church

SUPERTONIC: Schweppes

TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

TROPE: A malevolent Neum

TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts

STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ

AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer

METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city

ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer

RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had

ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras

Trombone Jokes

Lead trombone players

• Must warm up on the higest possible note.
• Blame wrong notes on their slide.
• Never wash their horn.
• Wears "luckey" underwear to gigs.
• Are in constant competetion with the lead trumpet.
• Eat the most food at gigs.
• Hates saxophone players.

Second trombone

• Can play REALLY fast but not very high.
• Gets all of the jazz solos.
• Overblows horn.
• Never gets Tux cleaned.
• Prays every gig that the lead player will be sick
• Has newest horn.
• Dosent mind saxophones.

Third trombone player

• Is always on time.
• Has been in the band since dirt was invented.
• Watches the rise and fall of lead players.
• Must be in by midnight or wife will be mad.
• Sets up band.
• Drives bus or pulls equipment trailer.
• Drinks gin and tonics.
• Second tenor sax player is best friend.

Bass Bone.

• Consider their chair a "solo" position.
• Takes everything down an octave or two or three.
• Passes gas from both ends,,,, during gigs.
• Loves bean burritos.
• Brings every mute they have ever owned to gigs.
• Drinks hugh quantities of odd beer like "Grolschenviner"
• Dosnt know or care that the sax section exists.

Oldies But Goodies

Q: What is the definition of a minor second?	A: 2 flutists playing in unison.
Q: What do you call a house occupied by 5 horn players?	A: A crack house.
Q: How do you know if a singer is at the front door?	A: She can't find her key?
Q: Why is a conductor like a condom?	A: It's safer with one, but more fun without one.
Q: How do musicians traditionally greet each other?	A: 1. Hi. I played that last year.
	2. Hi. I played this in high school.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?	A: They've had little use.
Q: Why do musician's have to be awake by six o'clock?	A: Most shops close at 6:30.
Q: Why are viola jokes so short?	A: So violinists can understand them.
Q: What is the only thing worse than having a piccolo in a band?	A: Having 2.
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?	A: Anyone who owns their own alto clarinet.
Q: What is perfect pitch?	A: When you can lob a clarinet into the toilet without hitting the rim.
Q: If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off of a tall building at the same time, which will hit the ground first?	A: Who cares?
Q: What happened to Bach after he had 20 children?	A: His organ baroque.
Q: What's the difference between a band director and God?	A: God knows he's not a band director.
Q: Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?	A: They kept saying, "BACH BACH BACH!"
Q: How can you tell if a viola section is at your door?	A: No one knows when to come in.
Jimmy: "Mommy, I want to be a trombone player when I grow up."	Mother: "But, Jimmy, you can't do both."
There is nothing better than the sound of an oboe, except maybe the sound of a cat caught in a vaccuum cleaner.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet player and a gov't bond?	A: Eventually, the bond will mature and earn money.
Q: What is better than roses on your piano?	A: Tulips on your organ.
Q:What is burning an oboe good for?	A: Catching the bassoon on fire.
Q: How do you know that a percussionist is at your door?	A: The knocking slows down.

Schubert's Unmanaged Symphony

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.