The Trucker and the Blonde
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde Wisconsin woman catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again,the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Wisconsin, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas Tree
Two blondes were up in the far north woods, out looking for a Christmas tree. They were all bundled up from head to toe, carrying their hatchets and a coil of rope to tie on and drag it back. They had thought of everything. They were all set, but they couldn't find the right tree.
They searched for hours, slogging through knee-deep snow. The wind was blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. They had to get that Christmas tree. Finally, as the sun was beginning to head downward, one turned to the other and said, "That's it! I've had enough! The next tree we come to, we're going to cut it down, whether it's decorated or not!
Dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
In a Wheat Field
This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.
"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "If I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt."
Line Painter
A blonde who has been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average.
"Great," he told her, "you're really going to work out."
The next day, he was disappointed to find she only completed 2 miles. He thought, "Well, she's still average, and I don't want to discourage her. I'll just keep quiet."
On the third day, she only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." He pulled in his new employee and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day-2 miles, but yesterday you only did 1 mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
Pain
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible" says the doctor. "Show me"
She takes her finger and pushes on her knee and screams, she pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes on her ankle and screams, she pushes on the shoulder and screams in agony again. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?'
She says no, "I'm really a blonde."
I thought so, he says. "You have a broken finger!"
Horse Play
A blond bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly,from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino,and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REVENGE OF THE BLONDES
Why do brunettes like their dark hair color? It doesn't show the dirt.
Who makes all the bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price.
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
Why are most brunettes flat-chested? It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.
Why is the color brunette considered evil? When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?
How can you tell a brunette is lonely? Check her for a pulse.
What is the most frustrated animal in the world? A brunette rabbit.
Why do brunettes wear training bras? It's cheaper than changing their bandaids every day.
Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls? Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious.
How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair? With a rake.
What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween? They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.
Why don't brunettes get breast implants? They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants.
What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover? "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"
Why did God create brunettes? So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.
What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.
Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant? From their underarms.
Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job? Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.
How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night? Startled.
What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? A hostage.
How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color? By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.
What's the difference between a brunette and the trash? At least the trash gets taken out once a week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest."
Judi very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know."
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?"
Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells "I Won! I Won ! I Won a motorhome ! I Won a Motorhome !"
The waitress runs over and says "That's impossible, the biggest prize given away was a minivan !"
The blonde replies...." No I Won a Motorhome !"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says "You couldn't possibly have won a motorhome, because we didn't have that as a prize !"
Again the blonde says "No, No mistake. I Won a Motorhome."
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads....
" Win A Bagel !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Blonde went down to the riverbank. She saw another blonde standing on the opposite bank.
She yelled,"How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other Blonde looked up and down the river, then yelled backed, "You are on the other side!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Blonde's apartment caught fire. She dialed 911.
"Fire dept."
"Come quick, my apartment is on fire!"
"OK, Ma'am. How do we get there?"
"In a fire truck , DUH!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are 2 women running late for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Yes."
"Are they close?"
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
"Well, are their lights on?"
"Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde began to gain a few extra pounds, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from skipping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
What do smart Blondes and UFO's have in common? Always hear about them but you never see them.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Baby doughnut seeds!!"
Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the eleven on the phone!
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird."
The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Exam
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde with burns on both ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The stupid guy called back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Horseback Riding
A blonde decides to try horseback, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her good fortune....
the Wal-Mart Manager sees her and shuts off the horse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blind man walks into a biker bar
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds is way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."