So your Daughter is a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.

My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby.

I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After having met you...
I've changed my mind.

Someday I hope to get married.
But not to you.

I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're here.

Your friends and I wanted to do something
Special for your birthday.
So we are having you put to sleep.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, UNCLEDAD
(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am...
That you are not here to ruin it for me.

When we were together, you always said
You would die for me.
Now, since we've boken up.
I think it's time you kept your promise.

I must admit,
You brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife
From my back, you'll probably need it again.

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
That we've been together, I can't
Help but wonder?
WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?