Reportedly real answers on a sixth-grade history test.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. The lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
3. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we would not have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
4. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls these people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
10. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
11. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
12. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was a very large.
13. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
14. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.