In the beginning when God was creating the world, He was sitting up in Heaven with his friend, the Archangel Gabriel. God started to tell Gabriel what he planned for Scotland.

"Gabe," says He, "I'm going to make this place something special...I'll give it high majestic mountains, purple glens, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky-like nectar can be made, coal in the ground, oil under the sea, and the best-looking men and women in the world..."

"Hold on, hold on!" interjected the bold Gabriel, "Why is it that you are being so kind to these Scots? You are giving them everything and being so nice..."
God, the Almighty, replied, "Not really, just wait till you see the neighbors I give them!"

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymph standing over him.

She asks, "Would you like some food? "The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.

When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymph leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"

"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"

An englishman, an Auzzie and a Scot were drinking beer in a bar, three flies flew in and landed in there respective beers, the englishman pushed his beer away , said "ogh, yuk" and ordered a new drink, the Aussie stuck his finger in, threw the fly on the bar and carried on drinking, the Scot pulled the fly out by its wings, held it over the glass and said "c'mon, spit it oot, ye wee thief!!"

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