Dispatchers Lament
A bathroom close by, I sure could use
But my overworked kidneys I must refuse.
All day on the radio I must remain calm
while on the inside I feel like a bomb.
I hate computers and their silly requests.
They're not user friendly, they're nothing but pests.
They don't seem to work whether it's night or day
The messages they send are all in disarray.
This damned little cursor keeps blinking at me
wanting attention when I have to pee.
The damned thing's demanding, won't leave me alone.
All I want to do is just leave and go home.
The radio squawks again and again
for me today, it sure ain't no friend.
Tag checks, Driver's licenses, Record Checks by the score,
Oh, my God, another 10-44.
One of the guys calls in another demand.
It's one of those nights that I just can't stand.
One thing follows another and soon you will see
just how long I can go without getting to pee.
The phone keeps ringing off of the wall,
I just want to get out and run down the hall.
Seven troops on the road with a radio each,
Time and again they call, I just want to screech!
The printer starts yammering for attention just now,
Another lone cowboy has just lost his pet cow.
To find the damned thing I send all of my troops.
I hope they remembered to wear their hip boots.
A panic button goes off, officer in distress.
This night is really turning into a mess.
The phone rings again, this time for lost and found.
There's just not enough of me to go around.
A word to the wise from one old and weary.
Avoid ads in the newspaper reading this query,
"Can you type and do you want good pay?
Time off in the sun and places to play?"
Become a dispatcher, and soon you will find
that with this job, you will soon loose your mind !!!
Can You Enter A Cow Into NCIC?"
"
When a voice at the other end of the line says, "Oh,you're just the dispatcher. I want to talk to someone that knows something!"
I can say;
"Yes, I am just the dispatcher, but if you want to know..............
What the weather is like in Oklahoma, Colorado, or Alaska....
Whether or not we have picked up your dog....
When the Driver's License Examiner will be in.... What time he will be there, what his phone number is....
What to do in case of impending tornado....
Where 123 N Main is....
Who to call in case of a military aircraft accident....
Who to call in case of a bomb threat....
Who to call in case of a dog bite....
Who to call in case of a wounded deer....
Who to call in case of a nuclear attack (Not me !)
Who to call in case of a hazardous material spill...
What to do if your wife has fallen and can't get up....
"CAN YOU ENTER A COW INTO NCIC" was written by me and published in "The APCO Bulletin", April, 1994 issue.
What to do if you have misplaced your driver's license....
What to do if you need your vehicle inspected....
What the road conditions are from Burns to Lost Springs....
How to get a copy of an accident report....
Whether this guy that you have stopped is Joe Blow from the next town or Annie Axemurderer from New York....
Whether the Highway Department has a crew out....
Where the fire trucks are going....
Do they need traffic control....
What code the ambulance is running....
Whether school is cancelled for the day....
Whether Ima Jerk has a valid driver's license....
Why a house is abandoned in a mixing strip....
Who owns that big black bull....
Whether that stray is a poodle or a pit bull....
Where is the fire....What's on fire....Is that fire out....
Whether that gun is stolen....
Who to call if you have locked yourself out of your car....
How long you can drive on expired tags....
Is it a controlled burn....
Whether that bank alarm is for real....
Who is in jail....Who isn't....
Who is on duty....Where is he....What is he doing....
How to get an ambulance....
Who is Fire Chief in Aulne....
Who owns that damaged fence....
When was the typewriter last serviced....
When did that prisoner last take his medication....
Who ran that Record Check on Annie Axemurderer....
When did that call come in....
Who has a Rocking R brand....
What is John Smith's phone number....Can you call it for me....
Can you enter a cow into NCIC....
How many 911 calls did we get last year....
Where are the aspirins..........
How old is this coffee......
How do you spell that....
Where can I find a bondsman....
What is his bond....
What day is this....
Who's on call....
What cell is he in....
When do I come back to work....
When did I go In Service....
Does he have a record....
Will this remain anonymous....
What does CHRI mean....
Can you find someone to take this deer....
What's the number for 911....
Do I have to tear up this III Response before I read it....
Do we have a State trooper out....
Do we have 911 yet....
What does OLN mean....
Is Missouri a compact state....
I just have a last name,can you get me a driving record....
What is a SW....
What is NAWAS....
I just have a model number, can I enter it into NCIC....
Is that cleared from NCIC....
Where's my husband.....
What was that address again.....
When did he leave....Where did he go...When will he be back....
Which milemarker is that....
Is that new 56 or old 56.....
How do you baste a turkey....
Well, if you want to know any of those things....I'm JUST the one to ask !!