On April Fools Day 1999 my kidneys failed 3 months from my due date.  They had to take my daughter Cirah Payton De Heus.  Whats most hurtful is that she would have been ok....there was nothing wrong with her....I was just not strong enough to carry her into this world, she lived for an hour...only an hour.
On this page are two poems I wrote for her, one when it happened and one two years after.  I have had four pregnancies three of those ended in tragedy and the last was a long awaited success and on this page you will also find a poem I wrote for my son that I would like to share that may give some of those who have lost a child hope.

                              Feel free to email me if you have any questions.
                              Desiree Felli
                              dfboo@hotmail.com My Heart Still Breaks For Cirah Payton De Heus There was nothing I could do Though I tried to keep you safe inside And my heart still breaks for you though two years have passed us by I remember you were laid to rest And it breaks my heart each time To recall your very last breath And how I wished it was mine My life has changed so much Since that very tragic day I even fell in love But for you my heart still breaks When your brother finally came Happiness filled my heart But it broke just the same Because we were apart. No matter what happens in my life If I think of you every day as my angel, my guiding light my heart will always break      Desiree Felli - 2001 “I’ll Never” for Cirah Payton De Heus I can’t tell you how I’m feeling The words are so hard to find Thinking of all that could have been But “I’ll never” comes to mind I’ll never feel your hug I’ll never dry your tears I’ll never hear you laugh Or watch you through the years I’ll never brush your hair I’ll never touch your face I’ll never hold you tight When things don’t go your way I’ll never hold your hand I’ll never watch you sleep I’ll never have your pictures Forever mine to keep I’ll never hear you cry I’ll never watch you play I’ll never kiss your "owie" And make it go away I’ll never see you smile I’ll never have a choice I’ll never hear I love you In my daughters voice I’ll never know your smell I’ll never feel your love I’ll never stop hurting When you’re all I think of You were taken away so suddenly Although pain is nothing new I’ll always have endless “I’ll never’s” When it comes to you.   Desiree De Heus - 1999 On My Knees For Mason Thomas Felli When I found out I was with child I got down on my knees I vowed to the lord, so meek and mild That this time I would succeed Everyday I hoped and prayed On my knees once more For I could not stand for my heart to break Like it had three times before As time went on and my belly grew I was on my knees each day Telling myself, somehow Jesus knew That I would make it all the way When I found out I was having a boy And was almost near the end My eyes filled up with tears of joy And I was on my knees again On my knees one time more When all was said and done I closed my eyes to find the Lord And I thanked him for my son.                                                          D. Felli 2001