Declan's Story......
When Bailey, my third child, was only
4 months old I
discovered that I was pregnant. I
was shocked at first but
delighted that we were going to have
another baby. We said
that it was fate, that Declan was
supposed to be with us and
that is why he was given to us so
quickly and unexpectedly. I
believe that everything happens for
a reason so I really hope
that one day I discover for what reason
Declan couldn't
stay,..... otherwise it just seems
too cruel that such a special
gift be taken from us. As soon as
we found out he was a boy
we named him. I have always named
the kids, taking into
account the meanings of their names.
They have all lived up
to them, even Declan.....it means
"Saint". He was a member
of our family from day one and the
kids used to kiss him
goodnight (via my tummy) and include
him in all of our
thoughts and plans for present and
future.
Declan was born asleep on the 29th
June, 1999. I stopped
feeling him move on Sunday the 27th
at 5.00p.m. That was
when my watch just stopped and looking
back, I'm sure that
is when his little heart stopped beating.
I was almost 42
weeks and was due to be induced on
the Wednesday
morning. I had been having niggly
contractions for the past
week or so. As I was having contractions
on the Monday I
didn't really notice until Monday
afternoon that I hadn't
actually felt Declan move. I was hoping
that maybe he was
just being quiet. Getting ready for
his big arrival. I was
starting to worry when I finally got
to sit down that day - (As
you can imagine I was pretty busy
with the three kids.) and
he still didn't move. I could feel
his knee and when I pushed
it, he didn't push me back. I knew
something was wrong. I
went to the hospital, by myself, Craig
had to stay to look after
the kids and besides, I really was
hoping that there wasn't
anything wrong, though deep down I
knew. When they tried
to find his heart beat there was nothing.
They did an
ultrasound and there was obviously
no heartbeat. "Sorry, your
baby has died". I called Craig, when
I finally could think of
my phone number. I was in shock. I
couldn't believe this was
happening to me. WHY?? So many questions
started going
through my head. Was it something
I did, I had had the flu,
was it that?? Should I have been induced
earlier?? Was God
punishing me?? I couldn't understand
why, I was a good
person who loved her children.
I went home that night and after crying
with my twin sister
and family for a couple of hours,
tried to sleep, knowing that
my precious Declan was going to be
born the next day and
that I would never get to hear him
cry, or see him smile. I
was in labour for 11 hours. It was
the longest and hardest day
of my life. My Mum and Craig stayed
with me for the whole
time. I could hear all the other women
in the other rooms in
the labour ward, yelling out in pain
and in victory as their
babies were born, each time I heard
a new baby cry I would
cry too.
He was beautiful and big 10 pound
3 oz, 56.5c.m. long. He
was perfect in every way. He looked
just like my other
children, lots of dark hair. It was
so hard to see Declan lying
so still. I just wanted to hear him
cry, for him to open his
eyes. I stayed in hospital over night
and for half of the next
day. Declan stayed with me. All night
I talked to him and sang
him the songs that I would have sung
had I had the chance.
The songs I sing to my other children
when they are sad or
need some comfort. It was so hard
to leave him at the
hospital. We had an autopsy done and
there was no medical
reason for why his little heart stopped.
This is very hard to
take, I have no reason for why Declan
couldn't stay with us.
The loss of Declan has left a huge
hole in my heart. The
grief I feel is so physical. I may
be in the car, at the shops...all
it takes is a song on the radio, a
smell, the sight of a baby the
age that Declan would be. It takes
me back to that moment
when I held him in my arms and longed
to have him alive, to
take a breath. I get a knot in my
stomach and it hurts.
I feel very lost without the baby
that I had longed for, planned
for and loved. I know that I can never
replace Declan but I
really want to have another baby.
We wanted more children
so I want to try again soon. I am
just terrified that I will want
it so bad that it wont happen, and
also when it does that my
pregnancy will be slow and stressful.
I know the chance of
this happening again is very unlikely
but still of course we are
all going to worry. I just cant leave
it like this though, I need a
happy ending to try to make this right.
I look forward to the
time when I am back in the hospital
holding on to another
beautiful baby....smiling this time,
maybe with tears of joy
and not sorrow. I know that Declan
is always with me and I
am sure that he will stay near me,
to give me the strength I
need. I think that he is now my "Guardian
Angel".
b